How do they feel when WE leave them?

[Iamdizzy]

How do they feel when we leave them? I've been out for a month and two weeks and she's already going on vacation getting drunk with her girlfriends and hooking up with guys over there AND she has a new guy ALREADY! Meanwhile I have mini- panic attacks every time I see a picture of her on any social platforms! Not to mention the ruminating, emotional pain, and the goodie bag that accompany these break ups. I have my issues to work out.  How could she have moved on so fast?

I hate ruminating but I can't get this specific night in which we made  crazy passionate love. She even ended up hugging me vigorously and even had tears of joy and said "iamdizzy, I'm so lucky to have you I really am I love you"  I'm so confused, wouldn't I be on her mind at least? .  I'm under the impression that this is all to just forget. Yet another failed relationship because of their actions, yet another person who loved them pushed away because of their own self fulfilling actions. Is this just forget and avoid dealing with the pain?

[SWLSR]

They hate us.  They feel for us it is hate.  As for us we feel awful and it doent matter if we broke it off or they do. 

[crystalclear]

  Iamdizzy,

pwBPD has abandonment as well as attachment fears. When you leave them, just like us nons it hurts them deeply and the pain of being deprived of their ultimate need causes the anger and hate towards the person responsible i.e; 'you'. However their survivor instincts and techniques allow them to either play on your vulnerabilities to pull you back in to keep you for a while or move on looking for the next fill-in. In their heads you are the 'bad guy' and they will continue to manipulate you by making contact or ignore you completely as this makes them 'powerfull', like they have 'won' the game after all.

CC

[Trick1004]

I tend to think that either if we leave them or they leave us, the BPD is able to quickly move on. You might of beat yours to the punch by leaving but the thing is I the BPD has been preparing for this to happen throughout the relationship. It is what they expect to happen and proves to them they were right all along.

In the 3+ years with my exBPD, there were numerous occasions when I came close to ending it because of her actions. I never did pull the trigger because I loved her and wanted to work through the issues with her. Nothing ever changed though and towards the end I was so exhausted trying to make her happy that I started withdrawing. I was willing to keep trying but I think she sensed that I wouldn't put up with how things were going anymore, so she bailed out on me.

I am convinced (but don't know for sure) that she had been preparing for the break-up a couple months in advance and was building relationships with new men to fill the void. Even if you are able to be the one that initiates the breakup they are so hypersensitive to being alone and abandoned that I feel they are well-prepared to deal with it by moving on to the next energy source.

I don't mean to minimize it, but the BPD really is like a kid playing with toys. Eventually the one they are playing with looses its luster or doesn't captivate them enough and they can quickly move on to the next shiny new toy. We are left with the loss and heartbreak thinking that we had something that was going to last. Ya, the shiny luster of the r/s might have worn off, but there is something so much deeper to know how your partner, you, and the r/s develops over time. A BPD can't handle this deeper emotional attachment. We can and that is why it hurts so much with the things they did in the r/s and when we watch them move on to the next shiny new toy.

The thing is though this is their pattern, my ex was pretty miserable when we met each other and I fully expect her to repeat this pattern. For me it has been a great (though absolutely painful and humbling) learning experience that I don't care to repeat in the future but has forced me to do some deep thinking about myself and I am convinced will make me a better person in the long run.

[Iamdizzy]

  kinda hurts to know that they did probably have someone lined up already or were quick to seduce someone right after we beak up. I think a huge reason why so many of us on here are so heart broken is because they were able to move on and portray this life of pure bliss now that we, as the "bad & abusive person", has left. While we are here posting on a forum and dealing with immense pain each and Every hour, they are having sex and telling their new partners the same lines and games they told us. 

Even if we had a ph.d in BPD, it's only natural to react to this smoke and mirror effect BPD put up after we leave them and they find someone else, in a very irrational and somewhat rash way. We panic, at least I did, hearing her tell me how GREAT her life is and then hearing from family members how she has pictures of new guys up and she's dating already while I'm here and cannot even entertain the idea of even going on one date with a girl.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I left mine and she HATES me for it.

[causticdork]

Same here.  I left and once she realized I was serious I immediately went from the love of her life and the best person she'd ever known, to an insensitive, mean, manipulative b**ch.  She started seeing some guy within a month of me ending things, and was "in love" with him three weeks later, but was still constantly trying to get me back and begging for another chance.  Sometimes she would go straight from my house, where she was swearing she could change and be better and that she would never give up hope for us, directly to go pick him up and tell him he was the love of her life.  At least I knew she was triangulating (read definition) though.  The poor dude she started seeing had no clue. 

[laelle]

My ex use to keep a lot of women around him as "friends"... . they may have actually been friends, but they were being primed for the next abandonment.

It was for survival... . He could NOT be alone.  It wasn't personal, it was his need.  It had nothing to do with me.  People always abandon him and he does not trust anyone.

It is not possible for anyone to EVER earn his trust regardless of how trust worthy the person is.  Its a self fulfilling prophecy.

I use to ask myself the same question... . Is he feeling even an ounce of the pain that I am feeling?  Then I realized

that the much sadder issue is that they do not have the ability to feel the pain that you feel... . and they also do not have the ability to change, to grow or love in the way

that we can.  :)o not be envious of their ability to erase you... .  You are not completely erased... . you are thrown in with the rest of the emotional garbage that they are not able to process.  It spews and oozes out of them corrupting and confusing them and everyone around them.

You can free yourself from it, pursue personal growth, and go on to have a healthy relationship with yourself and one day, you will love, trust, and respect someone who can give you the same in return.

 Laelle

[Wishful thinking]

My BPDH told me himself that he needs to have a backup plan. And a back up person. He promsed to le go of his emotional affairs and i discovered that again he lied to me.

My h is oblivious to the fact that his need for a woman is so big he convinces himself its love. He always has a girl somewhere. And he justifies this by saying that he plays mindgames with them in order to minimize my reactions to it.

Hes convinced that he loves me. He met an online girl and paid her telph account. She is 20yrs younger to him.

Hes really sick literally. And as we in the process of divorce,i have no doubt that hes rekindling old flames again.

[seeking balance]

relieved, victimized, angry - any and all of the above.

Iamdizzy - how can we help you focus on your own pain rather than focusing so much on what she might be feeling or doing?  We have all been here, at some point the healing for you will start when you can see that her behavior has very very little to do with you.

You do matter - just because she moved on abruptly does not accurately indicate the depth of her version of love for you - she is disordered in emotions... . that is the nature of BPD.

[Iamdizzy]

Seeking balance, I am trying to focus on my own issues. I guess the cord is still attached to the her it's still so real and recent for me. I'd like to think I meant something and that I still am on her mind but I must let be what must be. I'm slowly getting it, I hope,

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance, I am trying to focus on my own issues. I guess the cord is still attached to the her it's still so real and recent for me. I'd like to think I meant something and that I still am on her mind but I must let be what must be. I'm slowly getting it, I hope,

You DID matter - it is the very fact that she did leave that shows us this... . if she didn't have a fear (real or perceived), you wouldn't see this behavior.  This disorder shows itself in the most intimate relationships... . casual friends will rarely see this extreme.

YOU are important and you did matter - keep telling this to yourself.  I would repeat "it's not about me" until I believed it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

You DID matter - it is the very fact that she did leave that shows us this... . if she didn't have a fear (real or perceived), you wouldn't see this behavior.  This disorder shows itself in the most intimate relationships... . casual friends will rarely see this extreme.

YOU are important and you did matter - keep telling this to yourself.  I would repeat "it's not about me" until I believed it. 

Yup.  All the rages, the abuse, the blame, the complete lack of logic, were all because I DID matter.  I mattered so much that I had the ability, without doing anything perceptible to me, to trigger her in a big way.  The thing that helped me detach was focusing on whether or not I would ever get my needs met by her.  Hell no.  But I mattered to her in a big way for a while.

[emotionaholic]

I like what seeking balance had to say.  Thank you I needed that.  You are so right.

[danley]

A year before the breakup I had attempted to leave. I was tired and felt taken for granted. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. His reaction was FINE! WELL THEN I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE TOO! It was the first time I'd ever spoke of giving up on us as my patience was wearing thin. I think he was shocked and angry and scared... . all the things that a normal person might feel. His reaction was along the lines of grade schoolers when one says they don't want to be their friend and so they say the same back with bitterness. As tho it had to be HIS decision.

I think since that incident my ex felt scared I would actually leave and probably had swirling thoughts on needing to find a potential new person to take my place. When he broke up with me I was hurt. He was angry and acted between indifferent and loving. If we leave them, they probably feel anger and bitterness over sadness and loneliness.

[eternity75]

I still cannot wrap my mind around this. I try, I really try. I just don't get how you can be the best thing that's ever happened to them, and then they start finding a replacement(s) for you while still decalring their deep and neverending love for you, and then as soon as it's over they just move on like it's nothing? It's shocking... . it's sad... . it makes me sad and angry at the same time. And then they spend all this effort either hating you or trying to get you back... . it's just mind boggling!  :'(

[iluminati]

I still cannot wrap my mind around this. I try, I really try. I just don't get how you can be the best thing that's ever happened to them, and then they start finding a replacement(s) for you while still decalring their deep and neverending love for you, and then as soon as it's over they just move on like it's nothing? It's shocking... . it's sad... . it makes me sad and angry at the same time. And then they spend all this effort either hating you or trying to get you back... . it's just mind boggling!  :'(

For what it's worth, I don't think they love us, the full, complete, complex humans we are, as much as the idea of us.  They want that "someone" that they can show to the world as theirs who will take care of them and will be devoted to them, but aren't comfortable with the actual person behind it.  I don't think they don't like us, as that clearly varies from person to person, situation to situation.  Still, the idea of someone just loving them and being there without disappearing or running is more important than the person... . if only because they understand on some level that they can't offer the same thing to us.  I made the mistake of trying to have deep convos with my stbxBPDw, and the immaturity and the lack of a "there" there was scary.

[LivingTheNightmare]

Do they ever look back in 10, 20 years and have the ability to pick out which relationships meant more to them? Do they ever regret giving someone up? Even after a string of partners since? Or is it all 'in the moment'?

[seeking balance]

Do they ever look back in 10, 20 years and have the ability to pick out which relationships meant more to them? Do they ever regret giving someone up? Even after a string of partners since? Or is it all 'in the moment'?

Sure - but it looks different than it looks for you.

Since pwBPD attach quickly, they attach to not so nice folks too.  They can tell when a partner was good or bad once looking back.  BUT, they also may have been disassociating or projecting a lot of the time, so THEIR perception may be different than reality.

Think about the stories you hear that a pwBPD pops back into a nons life years later... . most nons mistakenly think this is random or about them.  In fact, it may be the pwBPD has an intense emotion and remembers non was a good person during a similar emotion.  Completely blocking out any negative, thus calls non seemingly out of the blue. 

But it is not out of the blue - it is with a clear goal for a pwBPD of soothing some emotion.

[Iamdizzy]

Laelle & seeking balance,

I actually teared a bit reading your posts. It's a shame but your words are actually helpful, so helpful. I did matter and she acted that way because she loved me in her own ""special"" way but its not personal and no matter what I would've done to show her I'm trustworthy and loving she would run the relationship to the ground in her own self fulfilling prophecy.

[Iamdizzy]

Seeking balance, I also forgot to mention you're 100% right with respect to casual friends. She's the life of the party, everyone gets along with her. It's the people are closest to her who really know the person behind the mask!

[LivingTheNightmare]

Do they ever look back in 10, 20 years and have the ability to pick out which relationships meant more to them? Do they ever regret giving someone up? Even after a string of partners since? Or is it all 'in the moment'?

Sure - but it looks different than it looks for you.

Since pwBPD attach quickly, they attach to not so nice folks too.  They can tell when a partner was good or bad once looking back.  BUT, they also may have been disassociating or projecting a lot of the time, so THEIR perception may be different than reality.

Think about the stories you hear that a pwBPD pops back into a nons life years later... . most nons mistakenly think this is random or about them.  In fact, it may be the pwBPD has an intense emotion and remembers non was a good person during a similar emotion.  Completely blocking out any negative, thus calls non seemingly out of the blue. 

But it is not out of the blue - it is with a clear goal for a pwBPD of soothing some emotion.

I just wonder if I will always hold that special place in her heart, being her first relationship and with all the strong feelings we had for eachother... . she suspected BPD and fought with the jealousy for over a year, but kept pushing on because she said her love for me was too strong to give up, despite the pain of her jealousy... . it makes me wonder if we hit breaking point, but that I will still mean something to her for a long time despite who she may be with at the time... . but I guess that if she is BPD then that is too much to ask

[seeking balance]

I just wonder if I will always hold that special place in her heart, being her first relationship and with all the strong feelings we had for eachother... . she suspected BPD and fought with the jealousy for over a year, but kept pushing on because she said her love for me was too strong to give up, despite the pain of her jealousy... . it makes me wonder if we hit breaking point, but that I will still mean something to her for a long time despite who she may be with at the time... . but I guess that if she is BPD then that is too much to ask

We all want to feel special to people we love - my questions to you that may help you in figuring out how you ended up on a BPD support group is this:

Why do you NEED to feel special to Her?

Have you ever felt this NEED before her?

[LivingTheNightmare]

Because my proudest achievement for the last 3 years was being as good a boyfriend as I could be to her, to think that meant nothing is a serious knock to my confidence :/

She was my first gf, so I can't compare, but I have always felt better about myself when I know that I am important to other people... . is that narcism? Or a hero complex? :s

[seeking balance]

Because my proudest achievement for the last 3 years was being as good a boyfriend as I could be to her, to think that meant nothing is a serious knock to my confidence :/

She was my first gf, so I can't compare, but I have always felt better about myself when I know that I am important to other people... . is that narcism? Or a hero complex? :s

sounds like a great topic for a new thread 

[fromheeltoheal]

She was my first gf, so I can't compare, but I have always felt better about myself when I know that I am important to other people... . is that narcism? Or a hero complex? :s

We feel better when we know we're important to other people because it's validating.  Humans are social animals, born to connect, and we literately will not survive otherwise; no man is an island.  And sometimes that connection comes too fast and easy, seems too good to be true, turns out it was, which landed us here, the next stop on our growth path.

[Iamdizzy]

It is validating. No doubt about it. I'm not asking for a medal or a godly praise for what I did for her. I would of liked to know that I mattered and that regardless of BPD, I mattered and that I had a special place in her heart but how could I think that about an individual who is so fearful of abandonment.

[fromheeltoheal]

It is validating. No doubt about it. I'm not asking for a medal or a godly praise for what I did for her. I would of liked to know that I mattered and that regardless of BPD, I mattered and that I had a special place in her heart but how could I think that about an individual who is so fearful of abandonment.

To follow standard BPD, you were the most awesome man in the universe to her for a while, and then you were the scum of the earth; we get to be both in BPD land.  But a BPD is incapable of giving you a "special place in her heart" in the way that you and I mean it, they aren't yet developed enough.  Take care of you.

[LivingTheNightmare]

Yeah that's what I found today... .

Monday night I spoke to uBPDex and must've caught her off guard, because she seemed a lot more receptive and said I could wait till she got home to pick up my stuff from her (rather than from her dad while she's out of the country)

Spoke to her today and one of the first things she asked was 'did you pick up your stuff yet?' any hint of affection that was present Monday night was gone today... . she was being deflective, defensive, and acting like I was talking about stuff that I wasn't... . trying to pre-empt what I was going to say.

Monday she said I sounded more mature, today she was calling me a child again... . and today she got angry with ME because of some of the nasty things I said in texts the day she told me she was sleeping with someone else :s but that's a different story for a different thread I think

[Iamdizzy]

Fromhealtoheel btw clever name!

It's such a shame. At times I find myself hating her and perhaps a bit jealous at her quick change of view point regarding us, we're good bad the best the worst, "iamdizzy, I love you like no ome else!, I HATE YOU, and off they go never to be heard from again.  To further examine this, it's just sad and shows a lack of emotional maturity, I would never want that.