I messed up

[connect]

Am so angry with myself this morning. I didnt use my wise mind and ****ed up.

Last night I really needed some support from my bf. He was starting to disregulate yesterday and was over tired. Next week is a trigger week for him as we have time off together around his sons birthday. I was expecting him to get like this and was prepared. Unfortunately I also needed to have some support from him. I asked for it (I figured - well I have put my needs second so many times, now its your turn for once) This didnt go well - hardly a surprise. What was I doing here - sabotaging the r/s myself?

I wanted a cuddle and to briefly tell him I was feeling emotionally delicate that day. He wanted to "talk". The talk was long and twisted including many reasons from him as to why I am difficult. There were some positives and some self awareess on his part of his trust issues and that he is emotional and also black and white about the world. He says he knows this is not healthy and is trying to see the grey parts like other people do. I tried to stop the talk many times, I tried to get us to bed early. I mucked this up as he kept saying it was good for us to talk. Some of it WAS good but lots of it was disregulation/projection/black and white/blame stuff. He veered between "this r/s too hard" for him (as I am so closed and dont talk to him   and ended up saying he has been thinking about asking me to move in with him for a week when we are off as a "test run" for living together. Different ends of the spectrum. Jaded by accident a few times as I wasnt on top form - didnt validate well.

Didnt get my needs met particuarly last night (knew I wouldnt) it was all about HIS feelings. He says he wants this r/s to work and that he is trying to make it work (after having a nice time together recently I thought we were doing well and getting somewhere ANYWAY) He asked me to be straight with him and like a fool I was (sorry Arabella - I was an idiot) He said he would feel better if I opened up and was straight with him about my r/s needs. I said I wanted him to go back on his medication, I said I wanted him to meet my friends, I said I want more text contact when we are apart, I said I want to know when we are seeing each other next after each date. ( why did I say this stuff?) I even told him that its hard to talk straight to him as often in the morning he remembers our conversations incorrectly as bad and wakes up in a terrible mood. I explained that I try to avoid this and was worried it would happen this time. We went to bed and cuddled and he did look after me at this point. He said he was pleased we had talked and it was positive that I was opening up to him.

Of course this morning it did go t*ts up. He spent about 45 mins this morning telling me that I had made him tired, I was selfish for not leaving him alone last night and keeping him up late and he has to now protect himself and think about his needs as he cant go on like this being tired all the time. (of course he is tired because he was away camping and drinking with his friends this weekend, although admitedly I didnt help) He is very angry with me now. Judging by his patterns he will dissapear for a while at the least or even try to end things at worst.

What was I thinking? I KNOW this stuff. I knew not to go and see him to ask for my needs to be met when he's like this. I KNEW not to engage in any sort of deep conversation with him however much he said he wanted it. Felt a bit duped here as whenever I tried to stop the conversation he said that was his problem with me, that I am closed and wont talk. I want to turn back time and NOT have gone round there last night. I dont know why I was such an idiot. I have given him the best excuse he needs to ditch me off next week (birthday pressures with his child which I KNEW would freak him out) This one I have done to myself. Maybe I am not up to this if I make a schoolboy error like this. Maybe I am not strong enough to deal with this BPD after all. I've done so well for ages and then I do something like this... .

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[Scout99]

 

I am so sorry for what you have been through... . And I am sorry to hear how much you beat yourself up for in all honesty just being human, a person who also have needs. Needs that you deserve to have met when you need it, and not just when bf is in a state to be able to give it to you... .

I admire you for all your efforts in understanding and using all the best coping methods and communication skills and in that making your relationship so much better for the both of you. But it is hard work, and if you keep adding pressure on yourself to have to always excel and be perfect at it, you will eventually exhaust yourself.

As you know, I myself struggle with a similar situation, and am as of saturday now in an involuntary NC with my bf... . For similar reasons... . I told him my needs at a time when he couldn't handle it... . So yes, I too know how easily the ramifications of being human can be disastrous... . And I to have been banging myself up for the past few days for being so stupid... .

But this is why we need each other... . Because when I read about your experience, it becomes all the more clear to me that we can't give up our humanity and our needs and our imperfect selves in order to save every situation with our SO's... . We just can't. Because where will that ever take us... . Then we will just loose ourselves completely. And what good can we then be for our BPD partners... .

I believe your r/s is in a more stable place than mine, so I believe you will get through this too. But it is also important to ask yourself the very question you do here now too, now and then. And that is at the end of the day, with all skills and tools learned, and with all the best intentions... . Am I really up for a lifetime of this... . ?

I think holding on to that question and honestly answer is every time and be truthful to ourselves is the most important tool... . So that we one day, if it becomes too overwhelming are connected enough to ourselves to be able to bail, if needed... .

Bottom line here - you were and are entitled to your bad days, your needy days, your days of seeking comfort in your loved one. He needs to work on learning to step aside from himself at least at times to give that to you... . And not give you a hard time completely irrationally afterwards... .

And you need to forgive yourself for not managing being perfect at all times... . Actually part of perfecting ourselves is daring to be imperfect... .

Many supportive hugs to you from a far away friend sitting in a similar boat on a very unsteady sea... .  

scout99

[123Phoebe]

He said he would feel better if I opened up and was straight with him about my r/s needs. I said I wanted him to go back on his medication, I said I wanted him to meet my friends, I said I want more text contact when we are apart, I said I want to know when we are seeing each other next after each date. ( why did I say this stuff?) I even told him that its hard to talk straight to him as often in the morning he remembers our conversations incorrectly as bad and wakes up in a terrible mood. I explained that I try to avoid this and was worried it would happen this time. We went to bed and cuddled and he did look after me at this point. He said he was pleased we had talked and it was positive that I was opening up to him.

Of course this morning it did go t*ts up.

Connect

You got your truth out there.  Are any of the things you mentioned deal breakers if he can't meet you here?

It's not all about tip-toeing around his issues.  Sure there are ways to maybe say something a little differently so that he's better able to hear you.  He's going to hear what he wants to though, no matter how it's said.  You can't change him.  There's a lot of peace in accepting that.  This way, you can get busy focusing on yourself and meeting your own needs... .

Once he knows that you're taking yourself and what's important to you seriously, he might just start believing you

Try not to beat yourself up!

   

[MaybeSo]

Agree with above... . stop walking on eggshells with this guy.

You finally spoke about your needs, good! So the timing wasn't perfect, he asked you to share and you did! Don't let his double binds twist you up. His serotonin is probably low in the morning... . dont personalize his stuff. Be calm and firm and move along.

I think the stronger you are the better on all counts.

Have you read Stop Caretaking the BPD or NPD yet? Its a very good book, you should definitely read it! Really.

He is lucky to have you.