I´m feeling depressed, missing her, torn apart

[Depression = 72% of members]

Now after almost two month since I met her face to face. And NC has been now for a 4-5 weeks It´s been ups and down. I won´t go into past incidents but just talk about what i´m going through now.

I started to feel relief after she stopped texting me and trying to make contact 4-5 weeks ago. Yes there are moments of doubts and I´m just not getting out of this. Sometimes I have a few good days and then a few bad ones. I´m seeing my T. but i´m so sick and tired of talking about her I can´t even user her name.

But now:

-I took a look at her facebook page... . seemed happy and I saw she is now friends with her ex and travelling around his hometown. He just broke up with his gf.

-I´m feeling lonely-depressed and my self confidence is shattered. I even can´t go out and enjoy simple things like reading a book, watching a movie etc.

-I´m drinking more than I used too... . It´s not the right thing to do I know.

-I´m constantly having nightmares

-Everyting reminds me of our good times, I´ve been trying to think about the bad times too soothe this thinking but it´s getting harder

-I´m not excericising, gaining weight and always tired.

-I sometimes doubt that my T. about her being BPD, since she is undiagnosed even thought on paper she has so many symptoms.

-I even have suicidal thoughts some times.

I just had this vision when I met her 20 months ago that she was the girl of my dreams, my future, but I feel so stupid to have made all those mistakes.

Is this really normal, this backlash, memories and me looking at her FB now after being so strong not doing that really tore me apart. Seeing her so happy and looking so good.

I´m just now home, crying, my stomach aches and I´ve had enough of this.

Help!

[tomjon78]

Now after almost two month since I met her face to face. And NC has been now for a 4-5 weeks It´s been ups and down. I won´t go into past incidents but just talk about what i´m going through now.

I started to feel relief after she stopped texting me and trying to make contact 4-5 weeks ago. Yes there are moments of doubts and I´m just not getting out of this. Sometimes I have a few good days and then a few bad ones. I´m seeing my T. but i´m so sick and tired of talking about her I can´t even user her name.

But now:

-I took a look at her facebook page... . seemed happy and I saw she is now friends with her ex and travelling around his hometown. He just broke up with his gf.

-I´m feeling lonely-depressed and my self confidence is shattered. I even can´t go out and enjoy simple things like reading a book, watching a movie etc.

-I´m drinking more than I used too... . It´s not the right thing to do I know.

-I´m constantly having nightmares

-Everyting reminds me of our good times, I´ve been trying to think about the bad times too soothe this thinking but it´s getting harder

-I´m not excericising, gaining weight and always tired.

-I sometimes doubt that my T. about her being BPD, since she is undiagnosed even thought on paper she has so many symptoms.

-I even have suicidal thoughts some times.

I just had this vision when I met her 20 months ago that she was the girl of my dreams, my future, but I feel so stupid to have made all those mistakes.

Is this really normal, this backlash, memories and me looking at her FB now after being so strong not doing that really tore me apart. Seeing her so happy and looking so good.

I´m just now home, crying, my stomach aches and I´ve had enough of this.

Help!

[causticdork]

There's no real "Normal" when your heart is broken.  Sometimes you grieve a lot at first and then the grief slowly fades until it's gone, but I think those little spurts of intense grieving that hit out of nowhere are way more common than people think.  My first big heart-break (not a BPDex, just a regular girl who broke my heart) took me almost two years to get over.  And there were times where I felt like I was totally fine and completely over it for months, and then one day I'd wake up and I'd miss her so bad that it was like she'd left yesterday.  Don't expect it to fade with any sort of consistency.  There will be days when you cave and look her up online (NEVER a good idea) and there will be days where you feel just like your old self again. 

You're talking to a T, so that's already a huge step in the right direction.  You said you haven't been able to enjoy any of the simple things, and you haven't been exercising or getting out.  I know exactly how that feels, but you have to break through it.  Force yourself to at least go for a jog a few times a week.  Stagnation is a terrible feeling, and tossing it on top of heartache and loneliness is just adding fuel to the fire.

You're going to be okay. 

[willtimeheal]

tomjon78,

What you are feeling is normal.  I hit stalker status one day and drove by the house and checked her FB and the constant thinking about her all the time scared me to the point where I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  I ended up going to the doctors and getting medication... . I needed to sleep and to be able to eat and have my mind slow down.  I have good days and bad days.  I too don't feel like doing anything but that is when you have to push yourself to get out.  You have to force that smile on your face and go meet your friends.  Therapy helps.  Therapy day is now my favorite day of the week.  My relationship ended 3 months ago but there has been contact.  She had a new person move in with her but while this was going on she kept telling me I was the love of her life and she wanted me.  3 days ago she told me she wants me not him and what she she do.  I told her to tell him the truth.  I haven't heard from her since but I saw them together the other day.  I realize that it is over and as hard as it is for my own sanity I have to let her go.  I have to move on with my life.  That I deserve more and better.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I have days that I slide backwards but I cut myself some slack on those days.  In therapy I have shifted the focus from her to me.  What you are feeling is normal and it the most difficult thing and most painful thing I have ever experienced but you can get through it.  Yell, scream, cry, and throw things if you have to.  It is normal.   

[tomjon78]

I managed to get out of the house today and visited my brother. We had a talk and felt a little bit better. But I´m home now hoping I will feel better tomorrow. Could this be PTSD?

[Newton]

tomjon78 ... . I'm truly sorry to hear how rough things are for you right now.

I was in a very dark place when I arrived here... . the pain was almost unbearable at times.

I am concerned about your feelings spiralling downwards... . depression, PTSD etc is a challenging hole to crawl out of.

I see from another post here you have a therapist... . , thats great news,... . can you contact them when things become really bleak?... . Have you spoken to a medical practitioner about how difficult things have become for you?... .

[cska]

Hey Tom! I'm sorry to hear about your pain. A couple of weeks ago, I could have written your post myself. What you're feeling is normal, you had an emotional connection with your ex, and now the loss of that emotional connection causes you great pain.

When I started dating my ex, I also though that she was the one, my future. When things started to go bad, I was devastated. I thought my life was over. I wanted to die b/c life without her was bleak. I'm feeling better now, but I have my fair share of dark days when I have to hide my face so that people wouldn't see my tears.

What you're feeling is normal. It means you have the capability to make an emotional connection with someone. There is a name for those who don't experience the pain that is caused by a broken relationship - psychopaths. We have the capability to Love, and yes, it causes us great pain at times. But that pain will pass. It might take some time, but it will pass. Hang in there Tom 

[tomjon78]

I had terrible nightmares tonight. Dreaming I met up with her. I´m so tired and I think I need some help. My T. is on holiday and I´m having a real slump right now. I think I will stay home today

I did the terrible thing of looking at her facebook. I just saw her there having a good time. I did a terrible mistake doing that.

It also hurts me alot she is seeing her ex again. She told me too much about how he "sexually liberated her", she talked in the phhone with him for an hour infront of our house explaining she couldn´t be friends with him on facebook. And in one of our recycles she started contacting him. She told me that nothing would ever happen between them and they were only friends. But a mutual friend told me she had sad that she wanted to see him again. Just like right after our break up.

It hurts. I know too much about their previous history and I just feel so bad. And it actually hit me like a thunderstorm. Last week I was travelling and felt ok. But I guess coming home did something to me.

[Nearlybroken]

I know exactly how you feel.I have not been able to pull myself out of the depression I suffered following my break up.My ex initially " got friendly" (as he put it) with his ex wife and then took up with a new woman after his ex wife went back to her second husband.I still miss my ex and have some days when I cry and cry.BUT... . I never though that I would go a full day without crying and sometimes now I do.I thought my ex was my future and sidnt cope at all when his behaviour took that away from me.My T told me that the feelings following break ups with BPD partners ( my ex was diagnosed) are akin to PTSD and my T is treating me as such.It does not help me that my ex moved on so easily after everything that I did for him.Whenever I tried to expalin the hurt he caused he would just look at me with cold eyes... . no feelings there whatsoever.I am still at the stage where I do not like to be at home as there are just too many memories.It sucks!But if I can get a little better every day then so can you... . I promise.I still have nightmares and disturbed sleep but they are not as frequent as before.Hang in there 

[cska]

John,

Don't be fooled by the front that someone can put up on a social networking site. When me and my ex would break up she would appear to be the happiest person alive on facebook and twitter. (She would tweet things like "So good to be single again" or "Finally a nice guy is hitting on me" or, when I would try to contact her, she would tweet "My ex is on my nuts again, I'm so tired of him".) One time, when we got together after being being separated for a while, I confronted her and asked her how she could be so happy without me, when all I did was cry my eyes out everyday. She told me that she was, in fact,miserable, and she is always in a state of misery, so she tries to pump up her social networking profiles to appear happy, to attempt to trick herself into being happier.

So anyone can make it appear like they are happy on facebook. You don't know what's really going on inside her mind. BPD is a serious psychiatric condition, pwBPD are constantly in a state of turmoil bc they expect abandonment at every step. They are constantly on a roller coaster ride that they cant get off of. We non's have a gift. We can get off of that roller coaster ride. But to do that we have to focus on ourselves and attempt to heal. And checking an ex's facebook is a painful thing, and it hinders the healing process.

Do your best to not check your ex's facebook. Its easier said than done I know. It took me months to stop checking my ex's twitter. And oh gosh, it caused me so much pain and grief. Eventually, I realized that by checking it, I was just torturing myself, so I stopped. And that was one of the best decisions I've made in my entire life. Really, it spared me SO much pain.

[goodguy]

yeah dude, stay AWAY from her Facebook. Block her if you have to. Nothing on there will ever make you feel better, only worse.

[Newton]

hey tom ... . how are things with you today?... .

[tomjon78]

feeling a little bit better. decided to get out of town for one night and go to a summerhouse with my family. I am just accepting my feelings at the moment and taking the pain i´m feeling in.

[Surnia]

I really feel for you, tomjon. 

good you are going to spend some time out of town with your family!

How long will be your T in vacation?

[tomjon78]

I really feel for you, tomjon.  

good you are going to spend some time out of town with your family!

How long will be your T in vacation?

My next appointment is on 13 of august.

I got the fyrst text message from her today in a long time: "im sorry for all the things I did to you and the words I said."

This did not at all make me feel good. Do you think this is mind games?

[Surnia]

13 of August is not that fast. 

About her message: Difficult to say. I don't know her. It could be the beginning of a recycle attempt or it could be true, she had a moment of insight. Given the best case, it is true, its good to keep in mind that it will perhaps not last.

Perhaps you can look at it with a bit more distance: It is just a text message.

What do you think will be your nest step? To answer or not?

[tomjon78]

Now I just got an sms. It was very hostile telling me how bad I was to her and she wants forgivness and how I have accused her of being mean to me. Just earlier I just got an sms telling me how she regreated how she treated me. I feel really bad now.

[Surnia]

 

thats her mental problem showing up. It was probably a attempt to gain control about you again and she gets hostile bc she doesn't got what she wants.

Its her craziness. It has nothing to do with you as a person.

Is there any possibility to block her number?

[tomjon78]

yes I am a bit surprised that she is contacting me now. Especially I know she is seeing another guy. But I guess this is typical mindgames... . First the forgiveness text about she treated me, and then a hostile sms asking með for forgiveness and how bad I treated her 8 hours later.

I didn´t reply. I had a good day but I´m feeling nervous about this. Unfortunately I can not block her number according to the phone company´s in my country. I have already changed number one, blocked her on FB, shut down my email.

It really hits me hard now, because I´m going through mixed emotions. I miss her and I have to say I was really close texting her back last night.

I hope this will not continue, even though my gut says otherwise.  

[Surnia]

Good to hear you had a good day! This is in my eye the best "number blocker" we can have.   

Missing someone is hard. Do you have a plan for the next days?

We are here for you! 

[tomjon78]

I´m getting my kids for vacation time for 10 days. It will be good for me to concentrate my energy on them and have a good time.

Well today was okay anyway... . had a great time on a boat on a lake which ran out of gas and we drifted to shore in over on hour... . quite funny.

But let´s see if I will get some peace tonight. I decided to turn off my mobile for tonight.

[cska]

In my experience family vacations are a powerful healing tool. Especially if you can leave your phone behind and just disconnect from the world.

[cska]

Have fun on your vacation Tom  Hope you feel better!

[flynavy]

tomjon... . keep this is mind as you grieve your loss... . you are thinking and feeling rational, human emotions after a breakup with someone you loved.  I know its hard... . it was extremely hard for me even after massive research on this insidious disorder... . but remember she is not like you/us!  She is sick!  What you see is not what is real... . its what she wants the world to see.

When I first went through this I wrote a short story of what happened.  I used it as a constant reminder of the real wolf in sheeps clothing I was in love with.  This is an excerpt from my short story of who I was with for 2 years.  If your ex is anything like mine... . and I'm sure she is because almost every post on this site is like reading a Betty Crocker Cookbook on how to make a BPD/NPD disorder... . she is not happy and who she is with will soon not be happy!

Read this excerpt from my story and this is just some highlights of her life since she was 13 (now 55) and tell me if this person is happy... . would you want to be this person... . moreover would you really want this in your life?  Believe me it does get better.  I lost two loves of my life... . the real deal, my wife of 32 years to Ovarian Cancer (not my choice) and then the facade (my exBPD/NPD fiance) by my choice.  Both were not easy... . both required me going through the grieving process (I followed Hospice guidelines for both) both were necessary in order for me to live life to the fullest like I promised my wife I would before she died (she made me promise).  Look inside and get to know who you are... . what attracted you to this disorder(not what she did, said, looked like, the sex etc.).  What in your life made you susceptible to this type of person and moreover why you chose to stay even when all the red flags were being raised continuously! Here is the excerpt and tell me this person is Happy?


WHO SHE REALLY IS and the types of behavior she exhibited and perhaps why she is what she is:

•   May have had inappropriate contact at young age with male family member….she actually divulged this to me early on but wouldn’t say who because she said….”she did not want me to hate this person”.  This too may have been one of her lies to get me to be her “the knight in shining armor” to come to her rescue and feel so sorry for the victim.

•   In a sexual relationship with an 18 year old boy/man when she was 13 and stayed with him all through high school…making him 22 when she graduated…true.

•   When family went on vacation, she stayed home and was with her sister’s boyfriend the whole week…she actually told her sister that when they returned from vacation…more than likely was sexual.  She was 19…sister 18.

•   Married early to an abusive alcoholic for a short time... . he beat her because he caught her cheating

•   Married again because she was pregnant.  Stayed with him 10 years because he had $.  As soon as his business fell apart she divorced him, 4 kids unfortunately for them, later.  She was caught cheating several times... . so did he.

•   Began quite a promiscuous (sorry…just a lot of different guys) lifestyle after her divorce and then met a guy in her development and actually got engaged to him and then called it off for what reason no one really knows.  Was with one guy who actually committed suicide while with her.  She said he kidnapped her!

•   Moved by her sister and started dating her now boyfriend (8 years now)

•   Would still see her first ex husband…even go on vacation with him.

•   Tried on line dating and getting fixed up by friends and seeing guys who are reps from work on occasion while she is in a so called committed relationship with her current boyfriend.

•   All the time keeping her personal life very private from her family and probably only one real friend…who let’s just say has the same moral fabric

•   She has fling with guy she met in a home improvement big box store because he is a “snappy dresser”…her words.  Cops/bounty hunters come to her house because he is wanted for identity fraud and goes to jail.  She may still see him/talk on occasion.  He was a married man.

•   Went out with a much older man who lost his wife …almost got married till the children intervened and stopped it.  I hear he was probably 15 years older maybe more.  He had a lot of money….see a pattern.  Her current 8 year boyfriend has a lot of money.

•   She meets me while committed to her current boyfriend

•   Accepts my marriage proposal

•   Accepts her current boyfriends proposal for marriage 2 weeks after accepting mine and dumps me…it was done very “coldly”

•   Starts seeing me for sex 2 months later while engaged – unbeknownst to me!

•   We start seeing each other regularly (4-5 times a week…mainly sexual) while she is engaged

•   I ask her to marry me again after seeing her for 8 months again…she says yes…again.  Still not sure if she is still engaged to the other guy

•   We come home one day and find a big penis drawn on her car and stuff thrown off of the deck and broken…could it be her disgruntled boyfriend who sees me there at her house everyday.

•   I start full investigation because something comes over me (compelled to do so)

•   When I find out the whole story, I call off wedding 1 month before

•   She is outraged, will not leave, becomes physically and verbally abusive

•   Finally leaves the next day

•   She is back with her current boyfriend but still rendezvous with me for sex on a routine basis

•   Her boyfriend find out one night and shows up at my house…I have to call the police because they would not leave my front yard

•   She still sees me for sex in hotels etc. while she got back with her current boyfriend again…God knows what she told him to make that happen?

•   She continues to text/call (and me too so I am no angel I guess) until I finally say enough is enough on April 24, 2013….Know why…she is in Florida text flirting with me…I meet her at airport to surprise her when she gets in ….guess who also is there.  I do not confront…but it is affirmation just how sick she really is…they were holding hands/smiling/ like an engaged couple should I guess!  When she knew I saw her with her boyfriend she actually said…”you should have seen my face when I saw him there…guess what…I did…and she looked pretty damn happy walking to the baggage claim swinging hands held like two 16 years olds. Oh My God!... . did I look that ridiculous when I was with her doing the same thing….Ahhhhhhh!

•   Just sold her house…I painted it and spent a lot of $s on rugs, the listing on line, her first husband did landscaping for her at this house and her current boyfriend put in driveway and double decker deck…that’s just all I know about.  God knows how many other guys money is tied up in that house!

[tomjon78]

Thank you flynavy for your insight... . I have some time ago started to put the puzzles together about my ex. She had so many things in her background that screamed BPD, here is a short list 


-In the beginning of our relationship she still was contacting her former narcissistic boyfriend

-talked very openly about him and he abused her (she said) had affairs but still she took him back and even sold her house to move in with him. Later I learned there was a flipside of that story.

-accepted a lot of money from him and somehow jusitifies that in a way I don´t understand

-talked extremely openly about her former relationships and extreme sex life. Bondage and all sort of  things I didn´t want to know about

-constantly comparing me to former exes

-kept diaries and love letters in our home even though I asked her to take it away, actually the only thing I asked her to do before I moved in

-was in contact with former exes while our relationship including the narcisstic one

-accused of flirting when I totally wasn´t

-lied to my about her financial situation and I spent a lot of money and borrowed her

-had mood swings

-said I wasn´t man enough

-wanted me to be different to who I am... .    not enough like this or that!

-very jealous

-physically provocative

-contantly calling me crazy

-had a child 17 years old and stayed in an alcaholic rs.

-has broken relationship and with a few douchebags

-some former bfriends are still in contact with her

-had outrages

-when I broke up with her she couldn´t face it and has been constantly harrassing

-I feel under her control

-lost her mother 7 years old

-alcaholic upbringing

-over dramatic

-one day I´m the best, the next I´m not

-manipulative

-sexually very open

-9 years in therapy without any progress really

-belittles her threats and doesn´t see them serious

-started doing martial arts in my gym (so I quit)

-says she is adhd

-lives in the turbulent live of her friends, one is manic depressive, one is a pathalogical liar and she really is there for them and I think it is strange why she does´t hang around "healthy" people

-making me jealous

-pushing my buttons

-still has a problem of letting go of former relationships

-one day wanting space and the next wanting affection

-never content and a "dreamer"

-broke up with me but then wanted me back

What would you say... .    BPD ?

[flynavy]

tomjon... . my 2 cents... . whether or not she is BPD... . I believe she is from your list of behaviors... . it is not a healthy relationship for you.  I suspect if you investigated like I did, I uncovered so many untruths/lies and deceit... . particularly with other men at the same time as me, you will discover she is capable of continuing relationships with her exs simultaneously.

Bottom line is you have to take care of YOU!  What do you/did you like to do but haven't in awhile? Get back to doing it!  For me I got back into music... . flyfishing... . working out (nothing like endorphins to make you feel good naturally!). 

Remember she is disordered and her behavior will not make sense to you... . it is not YOU... . you cannot change her... . but you can and must get away from this toxic relationship before it affects you physically like it did to me!  It will take time to detach... . I was where you are at so believe me when I say it does get better!

[tomjon78]

Just got the third sms in 4 days. Now she is asking if I wanted things from her apartment. A shelf and a lamp. I guess she is trying to make contact. I wont

answer her.

[flynavy]

Be strong!... . You got anyone you can get out of the house and do something with?... . belong to a gym to work out hard?

[tomjon78]

I am with my kids now and it helps me a lot. But this is not helping me at the moment. But I know she´s on holiday and it seems she is in "attack mode". I don´t know what to expect. But I´ve got to be strong and not reply to her... .

[Surnia]

It can be difficult some time.   

A    each time you didnt answer.

Keep going! Enjoy your time with your kids as much as you can.

[tomjon78]

It can be difficult some time.   

A    each time you didnt answer.

Keep going! Enjoy your time with your kids as much as you can.

Thanks Surnia ... . these really helps Had a good day with my kids... . still of course she pops in my mind like every hour, but i´m still a little bit better.

Got some anxiety pills today to help me calm down when i´m really anxious and they are helping. Have taken them before so I guess a few step backwards with my panic attacks is understandable in this situation.

Well I´m still sure she will text me again, but lets hope she won´t

Sometimes I wish I could just erase my time with her