The injustice is killing me

[Octoberfest]

I posted here recently about how while I was in town for a weekend (meaning the same town as my BPDex) she told people that she new would carry the news back to me that she was engaged (6 days prior she told me she wasn't).  Combined with other factors, it is pretty obvious it is a lie (both my friends and my therapist think so).  Today when I took a nap I had a dream that she got married.  I was at a church for another dude I knew who was getting married and a bunch of people told me hey so you know <BPDex> is getting married today right? It was to a guy she had known for 3 months, just like she has with this guy in real life (the guy she was cheating on me with most recently).  I woke up sad and furious, believing the dream to be real. I wanted to contact her and scream.

She has been the only thing on my mind today since. The injustice of it all is killing me.  That here was someone who I bared my soul to, who I completely opened up to and trusted... . and instead of recognizing that as a gift, as a sign of trust and love, she took advantage of it and abused it.  She took advantage of how much I loved her and how much I wanted our relationship to work and lied out her ass about her cheating because she knew I would believe it.  It makes me sick that someone could knowingly take advantage of someones trust like that and be OK with it. I hate that she is off working at the bar with all these new friends who think she is awesome, when in reality it is ALL fake and she is a cheating, lying whore. I hate myself for having subjected myself to her behavior for as long as I did... . ME, someone who values honor, integrity, and loyalty above all else, and who stayed with and put up with the abuse from someone who is capable of NONE of that.


I wish with every fiber of my being that she leaves on her trip to Ireland on Sept 10th and after she gets back that she moves towns like she said she was planning on.  I don't want to ever see or hear from that bhit again.  She has left a path of destruction wide and long enough already.  I don't know whether I want to scream or cry.  I have major reservations that I will ever open up to someone like I did her again.  I don't know that I can believe I could ever do it and have it be real, have it be genuine.

I am sick of feeling so low and down while she is off doing her thing.  I have always struggled to find someone I could really level with and connect with... . I couldn't REALLY with her either, but she did a damn good job at making it look like I could, and I did, and I got burned for it. I feel lonely as can be.

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry Octoberfest.  The pain these people cause is incalculable.  Thinking of you.

[whatathing]

Hi, I've read other posts of yours, and identify with what you're going through. It's been a month since I had no contact with her, and it seems that each day it makes even less sense why she left. I also have a hard time finding someone I can level with, and she was the first in many years. The sharing we had, of so deep ways of feeling the world, was so great, that I have this metafor of life being like an ocean with boats very far away from each other, and where we had been able to meet somehow, only to her set her boat in another direction again, and I'm looking at her drifting away, incredulous. How can't she see that we meeting each other was such a one in a million event? How could she mess with another guy who is so far away from all that and means nothing to her? It's like throwing gold to the garbage. She's so familiar to me, her expressions, her way of being, that I feel that everyone else is miles away from that. It's faith that keeps me going, faith that somehow I'll continue to meet other people and eventually I'll find something like this, and eventually I'll see accept our r/s as something that simply didn't work out. The only clue I have right now, is to just keep doing things I like, and talking with other people although I don't feel like it.

It's a bit of a depression, I think! Time will help, they say. Sorry for not helping!

[seeking balance]

Octoberfest,

Do you really feel like it is your job to be the moral authority of others or are you just pissed, venting and resisting the inevitable cry-a-thon that most of us succumb to that helped move through the rage?

Best,

SB

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest,

Do you really feel like it is your job to be the moral authority of others or are you just pissed, venting and resisting the inevitable cry-a-thon that most of us succumb to that helped move through the rage?

Best,

SB

SB,

It is possible that I don't fully understand your question.  When I mentioned loyalty, honor, and integrity, those are MY PERSONAL values that I strive to live by... . They are also the values that I expect from those few people that I hold close in my life.  I was commenting that I am upset with myself that I so wholly denied the obvious fact that my BPDex does NOT have any of those things and that I continued to have her in my life, whereas I have removed others from my life for not living up to those standards.

and when I say injustice, it is the personal injustice I am upset about... . it IS a personal hurt.  I don't have a batman complex where I get upset and want to hold a stranger accountable when they litter, it is a very personal feeling of being wronged by someone.

I don't know if I have hit on what you were saying.  Maybe you could clarify?

[seeking balance]

Reading this post and a couple of your other recent ones, seems like a lot of judgement ... . I know it comes from hurt and I know anger serves a purpose.

There comes a time where we have to accept we are not them, but we are also not in a place to judge others... . this is a slippery slope to arrogance and victim hood ... . neither of which are qualities you or me want to be associated with is my guess.

Be hurt, be angry ... . however, calling her a lying whore or judging her life... . is this the person you want to be?

[Jhensohn]

Dear Octoberfest,

I so understand what you are going through. One of the things that is so hard for me is that I feel I sacrificed many things that are so dear in my life for her in so many ways and now she is not even communicating with me. I have no proof that mine cheated, though I know she was writing many sweet and loving emails a day to a colleague of hers while complaining about me non-stop. I feel that I gave her the most special things I could give anyone, and now she just spits in my face and seems to go on with her life as of nothing ever happened.

I also don't think I can ever open up like that again.

[Octoberfest]

Reading this post and a couple of your other recent ones, seems like a lot of judgement ... . I know it comes from hurt and I know anger serves a purpose.

There comes a time where we have to accept we are not them, but we are also not in a place to judge others... . this is a slippery slope to arrogance and victim hood ... . neither of which are qualities you or me want to be associated with is my guess.

Be hurt, be angry ... . however, calling her a lying whore or judging her life... . is this the person you want to be?

I called her a lying whore because she was dating three guys in three cities at once. And two of us at the same time in a separate instance. And she had sex with one of my close friends. And made out with my best friend. And cheated on me several other times on top of all of that. She was cheating on me, start to finish, the entire nine months we dated. She miscarried another man's child while she was with me that she wasn't aware she was pregnant with. And she self admittedly has slept with 25+ guys at the age of 22. You can bet the real number is much higher. All the while I forgave her and tried to help her in the hope of providing a 'normal' stable life for her. And she lied about everything. So sorry if I sound bitter when I call her a lying whore.

[Octoberfest]

I made excuses for all of tthe things that I listed in my previous post. I had to; I stayed in that relationship through liberal application of Minimalization, rationalization, and denial. I excused all of those awful things she did. I am tired of it. There comes a point where it boils down to her being a hitty person. I tried for nine months to work with her through her BPD. I went to therapy with her. I forgave things I never should have. And she took advantage of my kindness all the way through the end. I have felt sorry for her. I have been deeply depressed just from thinking about the life she has lived and the one that she is slated to live. Part of me making my life about me instead of about her or us is drawing lines about what is acceptable. If any other girl had done all that I described to a friend I would hate her for what she was doing to him. Yet when it was done to me, I made excuses for her. No more.

[seeking balance]

Reading this post and a couple of your other recent ones, seems like a lot of judgement ... . I know it comes from hurt and I know anger serves a purpose.

There comes a time where we have to accept we are not them, but we are also not in a place to judge others... . this is a slippery slope to arrogance and victim hood ... . neither of which are qualities you or me want to be associated with is my guess.

Be hurt, be angry ... . however, calling her a lying whore or judging her life... . is this the person you want to be?

I called her a lying whore because she was dating three guys in three cities at once. And two of us at the same time in a separate instance. And she had sex with one of my close friends. And made out with my best friend. And cheated on me several other times on top of all of that. She was cheating on me, start to finish, the entire nine months we dated. She miscarried another man's child while she was with me that she wasn't aware she was pregnant with. And she self admittedly has slept with 25+ guys at the age of 22. You can bet the real number is much higher. All the while I forgave her and tried to help her in the hope of providing a 'normal' stable life for her. And she lied about everything. So sorry if I sound bitter when I call her a lying whore.

Does judging her make you feel better? 

I have read your story... . as such, you have a huge opportunity right now... . be pissed, that is fantastic... . channeling anger appropriately is emotional maturity... .

I paid alimony while my wife lived with another lying to the court about it, I am not calling her a whore... . this forum is about BPD as a mental illness... . focusing on your ex's maladaptive coping versus your own pain after 200 posts... . come on now, let go and cry it out... . you are sad, and that is justified... . focus on your emotions, not her behavior. 

Feeling this way sucks, right?

[ScotisGone74]

Sometimes being honest and truthful here may not sound 'socially acceptable' to everyone, but I believe it does help us detach when we can say what it actually was.  Octoberfest sorry to hear that really.  At some point we do have to get over being victims of this nonsense and realize that we are really lucky to have the rest of our lives to be involved with healthy people that know/can accept true love.  We loved the exBPDs, but we all have to come to accept the fact that they are someone else's problem now.  The next go around we Know exactly all the warning signs of what watch out for.  

[Trick1004]

Here's the thing, we let this happen. My ex pulled plenty of stuff that I've cut people in my life out of for doing before. Over time though the anger has shifted from her to myself and I ask myself "how the hell did I allow this to happen?"

In one way or another most of us here have compromised ourselves, our values, and our boundaries in these r/s. At the end of the day the injustice lies with us in how we allowed ourselves to become so enmeshed in their world.

You getting angry at your ex and lashing out at her isn't going to do any good. You know who she is and your anger towards her isn't going to change a thing about her, but it will keep you from moving on. Let it go and look inside how you allowed this to happen.

[Octoberfest]

Here's the thing, we let this happen. My ex pulled plenty of stuff that I've cut people in my life out of for doing before. Over time though the anger has shifted from her to myself and I ask myself "how the hell did I allow this to happen?"

In one way or another most of us here have compromised ourselves, our values, and our boundaries in these r/s. At the end of the day the injustice lies with us in how we allowed ourselves to become so enmeshed in their world.

You getting angry at your ex and lashing out at her isn't going to do any good. You know who she is and your anger towards her isn't going to change a thing about her, but it will keep you from moving on. Let it go and look inside how you allowed this to happen.

I haven't always felt the way that I do right now... . It has been just over 2 months since we split for good. I've gone through all range of emotions, but this is the first time I have really gotten angry.  You are right of course; there is massive examination I need to do of myself to figure out why I tolerated all that I did.  My T has identified me as having an anxious attachment type and I am doing some research into that... . I am afraid you are right that my anger towards her is going to keep me from moving on.  A wide array of things has kept me from really moving on thus far.  I am hoping that once school gets back in session in less than a month now I will be able to appropriately distract myself and forget about her.

Reading this post and a couple of your other recent ones, seems like a lot of judgement ... . I know it comes from hurt and I know anger serves a purpose.

There comes a time where we have to accept we are not them, but we are also not in a place to judge others... . this is a slippery slope to arrogance and victim hood ... . neither of which are qualities you or me want to be associated with is my guess.

Be hurt, be angry ... . however, calling her a lying whore or judging her life... . is this the person you want to be?

I called her a lying whore because she was dating three guys in three cities at once. And two of us at the same time in a separate instance. And she had sex with one of my close friends. And made out with my best friend. And cheated on me several other times on top of all of that. She was cheating on me, start to finish, the entire nine months we dated. She miscarried another man's child while she was with me that she wasn't aware she was pregnant with. And she self admittedly has slept with 25+ guys at the age of 22. You can bet the real number is much higher. All the while I forgave her and tried to help her in the hope of providing a 'normal' stable life for her. And she lied about everything. So sorry if I sound bitter when I call her a lying whore.

Does judging her make you feel better? 

I have read your story... . as such, you have a huge opportunity right now... . be pissed, that is fantastic... . channeling anger appropriately is emotional maturity... .

I paid alimony while my wife lived with another lying to the court about it, I am not calling her a whore... . this forum is about BPD as a mental illness... . focusing on your ex's maladaptive coping versus your own pain after 200 posts... . come on now, let go and cry it out... . you are sad, and that is justified... . focus on your emotions, not her behavior. 

Feeling this way sucks, right?

Feeling this way sucks more than anything I have ever endured in my entire life. Ever. I have cried before... . but I am still not convinced that I have truly let go and grieved. I have done that once before, over the death of a friend... . the pain I have felt from my BPDex far exceeds that and I have yet to just lose it like I did over his death. Funnily enough, it was me losing it and grieving over his passing that really connected my BPDex and I.  I showed up on her doorstep the second night I knew her balling my eyes out and she cared for me and let me cry to her.  Talk about an emotionally connecting situation. I do feel as though I have been harboring a great sadness... . I only wish I were able to and knew how to let it out. I am tired of feeling this way.

[ron7127]

Reading this post and a couple of your other recent ones, seems like a lot of judgement ... . I know it comes from hurt and I know anger serves a purpose.

There comes a time where we have to accept we are not them, but we are also not in a place to judge others... . this is a slippery slope to arrogance and victim hood ... . neither of which are qualities you or me want to be associated with is my guess.

Be hurt, be angry ... . however, calling her a lying whore or judging her life... . is this the person you want to be?

I could not disagree more. It is perfectly appropriate to judge the behavior of others. Would you hire a man like Ted Bundy to babysit your kids?

[ron7127]

Reading this post and a couple of your other recent ones, seems like a lot of judgement ... . I know it comes from hurt and I know anger serves a purpose.

There comes a time where we have to accept we are not them, but we are also not in a place to judge others... . this is a slippery slope to arrogance and victim hood ... . neither of which are qualities you or me want to be associated with is my guess.

Be hurt, be angry ... . however, calling her a lying whore or judging her life... . is this the person you want to be?

I called her a lying whore because she was dating three guys in three cities at once. And two of us at the same time in a separate instance. And she had sex with one of my close friends. And made out with my best friend. And cheated on me several other times on top of all of that. She was cheating on me, start to finish, the entire nine months we dated. She miscarried another man's child while she was with me that she wasn't aware she was pregnant with. And she self admittedly has slept with 25+ guys at the age of 22. You can bet the real number is much higher. All the while I forgave her and tried to help her in the hope of providing a 'normal' stable life for her. And she lied about everything. So sorry if I sound bitter when I call her a lying whore.

An entirely accurate and appropriate assessment.

[ron7127]

Here's the thing, we let this happen. My ex pulled plenty of stuff that I've cut people in my life out of for doing before. Over time though the anger has shifted from her to myself and I ask myself "how the hell did I allow this to happen?"

In one way or another most of us here have compromised ourselves, our values, and our boundaries in these r/s. At the end of the day the injustice lies with us in how we allowed ourselves to become so enmeshed in their world.

You getting angry at your ex and lashing out at her isn't going to do any good. You know who she is and your anger towards her isn't going to change a thing about her, but it will keep you from moving on. Let it go and look inside how you allowed this to happen.

This is excellent advice re looking within. But , it does not hurt to express the disgust these folks evoke in us.

It is not mutually exclusive to call a spade a spade and still heal and look within.

[seeking balance]

Feeling this way sucks more than anything I have ever endured in my entire life. Ever. I have cried before... . but I am still not convinced that I have truly let go and grieved. I have done that once before, over the death of a friend... . the pain I have felt from my BPDex far exceeds that and I have yet to just lose it like I did over his death. Funnily enough, it was me losing it and grieving over his passing that really connected my BPDex and I.  I showed up on her doorstep the second night I knew her balling my eyes out and she cared for me and let me cry to her.  Talk about an emotionally connecting situation. I do feel as though I have been harboring a great sadness... . I only wish I were able to and knew how to let it out. I am tired of feeling this way.

This is a great way to look at this - it is a death, of a relationship and more importantly of the dream of your future... . it hurts.

Anger is a mask for pain, and anger is necessary - it serves a purpose in staying away and shows us when a boundary was crossed.

It's ok to cry more than once over this - emotionally healthy or mature people cry when hurt.  Being vulnerable is the greatest strength.

Lashing out is a sign of emotional immaturity - theirs and ours.  OctoberFest, you really do have the opportunity to put into practice your values as you navigate your own emotions in this breakup.  It is easy to judge others, it is much harder to sit in our own pain and work through it - but this is more rewarding and it does lead to an emotional maturity.

You will be ok and you will get through this.

Peace,

SB

[WalrusGumboot]

Oktoberfest,

The anger you are feeling... . I know it is part of the healing, and this part sucks because you might not think you will get over it. You can look at some of my old posts when I vented, and vented. I lost 23 years and felt I was robbed of the normal joys of raising a family. And the prime years of my life. Six months after our divorce she was remarried and living in another country to a career military man, taking most of our assets with her.

What I have is the here and now, and the rest of my life without her. It is all about me now, and seriously I can think of her and what she is doing and say "who cares!" Your pride, ego, and integrity has been battered, but you still have it and will recover.

I have thought of my ex every bad thing in the book. Wish I would have pushed her off a cliff. You name it. I turned my anger into a call to action to improve myself. I went to the gym almost daily and worked out like I never have before. I redirected my anger towards something constructive.

Give it some time and you won't feel the sting anymore.

WG

[Octoberfest]

Feeling this way sucks more than anything I have ever endured in my entire life. Ever. I have cried before... . but I am still not convinced that I have truly let go and grieved. I have done that once before, over the death of a friend... . the pain I have felt from my BPDex far exceeds that and I have yet to just lose it like I did over his death. Funnily enough, it was me losing it and grieving over his passing that really connected my BPDex and I.  I showed up on her doorstep the second night I knew her balling my eyes out and she cared for me and let me cry to her.  Talk about an emotionally connecting situation. I do feel as though I have been harboring a great sadness... . I only wish I were able to and knew how to let it out. I am tired of feeling this way.

This is a great way to look at this - it is a death, of a relationship and more importantly of the dream of your future... . it hurts.

Anger is a mask for pain, and anger is necessary - it serves a purpose in staying away and shows us when a boundary was crossed.

It's ok to cry more than once over this - emotionally healthy or mature people cry when hurt.  Being vulnerable is the greatest strength.

Lashing out is a sign of emotional immaturity - theirs and ours.  OctoberFest, you really do have the opportunity to put into practice your values as you navigate your own emotions in this breakup.  It is easy to judge others, it is much harder to sit in our own pain and work through it - but this is more rewarding and it does lead to an emotional maturity.

You will be ok and you will get through this.

Peace,

SB

SB... . I think the appropriate path is maybe somewhere in the middle.  As Ron mentioned, "judging" serves a healthy purpose in making decisions about people.  In this case, it is judging that her character is not one that I want around me or associated with me any longer.  I do however completely see your point and agree with you; sitting here and judging her, or running around sharing my judgement with others is not healthy and not conducive to moving on. I don't enjoy "judging" her or feeling angry.  In many ways it just hurts so damn bad that someone I cared for so deeply (the first time I have EVER cared for someone really) treated me the way she did and has the character that she does.  It is a crying shame. I don't want to hate her... . not because I would rather like her, but because hating her necessitates thinking about her at all. It honestly just hurts so damn badly still that I get angry. I have reverted back to trying to make sense out of something/someone who never will. I can't fathom living the way my BPDex does.  How she can live with herself with what she has done and continues to do.

[seeking balance]

I have reverted back to trying to make sense out of something/someone who never will. I can't fathom living the way my BPDex does.  How she can live with herself with what she has done and continues to do.

This is all NORMAL - it is the grief process... . this part is bargaining.

Grief is not linear, it is loopy and it is tiring... . I am 3 years out of it and honestly I have felt exactly the way you do now... . It is ok to FEEL like you do, be mindful about name calling and judging for the purpose to make yourself feel better is all.

Have you done any reading on DBT or Radical Acceptance?

Applying RA to my grief process helped me a lot - when I got in the pissy angry mood, I worked out hard.  I accepted this feeling is part of the process.

Venting has a time and place, but has a way of keeping us stuck actually ... . you have been pretty regular on the boards, what besides venting can you DO when you feel this way to help alleviate some of this anger?