Why did I answer the phone?

[mommies dearest]

I have been completely NC with mother since before Mothers Day.  Long story short-- she blew up at me because I told her no.  I had the nerve to set a boundary.

She was leaving the state to have a breast augmentation? (don't ask) and asked me to take care of her rosebushes while she was gone.  This request was already in addition to me agreeing to check her mail, write out all her bills for her, and generally keep up with her affairs while she was gone (for 6 plus weeks).  I was already feeling stressed at having agreed to do as much as I did.  I have small children (ages 6 and 22 months) and I work part time. I was already wondering when during the day I would find the time to drive 10 miles (one way) to do these things.  When I factored in my son's nap schedule, my daughter's summer activities, and my basic household responsibilities, I just felt like I couldn't do one more thing for her.  Plus, she specifically stated-- "AND, I want YOU to clip the rosebushes yourself. Don't pass it on to your husband, he won't do it right."  I could sense she was looking for someone to blame and rage at if the rosebushes died. The warning lights were going off in my head-- I could sense that no matter what, my trimming of the rosebushes was not going to be "the correct" way. Not to mention that historically speaking, no matter how much I do for her it's never enough, never good enough, and always forgotten.  My gut reaction was a physical one (clenched jaws, stiffened neck, heart racing anxiety), so I ended up telling her no, I wasn't comfortable doing that, that I didn't think I was physically able to do it (I have had some strange physical ailments in the last 6 months) and I offered to hire a gardner for her.  I told her I felt like I wouldn't be able to do it correctly.  Naturally, she BLEW up at me and started raging, ranting, screaming etc about how she never asks me to do anything (NOT true), about how I can't do even one little thing for her etc etc. Told me that I was ridiculous-- I could just sit in a chair for God's sake to trim the rosebushes (it should be noted that she wanted them trimmed daily-- or at least as soon as I noticed even one dead flower).  Then went on to rage some more and told me that I act like she's SUCH A B!  Then she hung up on me.  Because I'm only child (and my mom literally has no one in her life except me and my kids) I still continue to struggle a lot with the FOG.  The logical part of my brain knows I don't have anything to be guilty for, but after 37 years of constant guilt its still a hard habit to break.  Anyway, because of the FOG, I attempted to call her after a few days of cooling off and she didn't answer the phone.  I told my husband that was it-- I was never going to call her again.  None of my friends have mothers that act like this.  I was done.

Fast forward to last night.  Mother makes contact.  Calls on my phone and in formal telemarketer style asks, "May I please speak to L?" (L is my 6 year old daughter). In hindsight, I shouldn't have answered the phone, but I was caught off guard.  L wanted to speak to her (so far, L has not "disappointed" my mother and has enjoyed her limited relationship with her), so I allowed it. I was eavesdropping and the conversation was seemingly as loving and normal as any conversation between grandparent and grandchild should be.  So L asks mother if she can have a sleepover at mother's house.  Mother gets on the phone with me and asks if L can sleepover at her house in two weeks, can my son come too and what types of things should she prepare for etc.  All calmly and as normal as can be.  Then all of a sudden attacks me.  Brings up the last conversation we had on the phone and wants to rehash the same fight!  I blocked a lot of it out but basically ranted about how I act like she is dead, I'm the worlds rottenest daughter and that I'm nothing but a spoiled selfish brat, who cares nothing about anyone but myself... . Told me she had been waiting on a phone call from me with a BIG apology for the things I said to her in our last conversation.  Said she couldn't believe I would have the NERVE to tell her that I wasn't physically able to trim her rose bushes after all the things in her life that she wasn't physically able to do, but did anyway (again with the guilt trips). I interrupted her and told her I wasn't responsible for her life's hardships and to stop trying to make me feel guilty for them.  Then she ran me down some more telling me how she's not the only person who agrees with her that I'm terrible horrible no good daughter (although she has managed to ruin every relationship she has ever had so I have no idea who she may be referring to).  Starts crying and screaming simultaneously.  Told me that if I can't treat her any better than I do that she doesn't want to come and get the kids.  Just tell them she is dead.  As long as I was unwilling to apologize and change myself, that she didn't want to be around any of us.  She said more stuff I blocked out and then she made a statement about not calling her unless I have "a change or heart, or if you just want to drop by my house and have a knock down drag out fight."  I interrupted her at this point and told her I wasn't interested in that AT ALL and that I was tired of fighting with her and wasn't going to do it anymore.  Last thing she said was ":)o you know who you've become?  You've become B (my MIL).  You are just like B.  Congratulations, you've turned into your MIL."  Total crazy town.  Now I'm beating myself up for answering the phone, listening to her raging and letting her talk to me like that.  I am just so sad.  Not because of my mom per se, just because I feel like I grieve for the mother that I never had.  The only good that has come out of this is that I have decided to seek a therapist TODAY to get myself some help in dealing with all of this.  I'm just afraid they won't believe me or any stories of my childhood as they are just all so damn crazy.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this story.

[Sasha026]

I don't even know what to say to you except, "OMG, my mother's evil spirit is back from the dead and has possessed the body of this other woman!"

Your story could have been mine - word for word - from the unnecessary breast surgery, to the ~business call~ for the kids, to the screaming, to the comparing and "army gathering". You could be me... . 25/30 years ago. How did I handle this while it was going on? I didn't. I sat there and got more and more miserable. You see, there was no one who would believe me either. I used to have a saying, "Sasha, you're only as good as your last sale". The bar rose steadily, and while I tried so hard to please her, it only got more impossible. Your nerves are frayed, your health is declining and you probably don't enjoy anything anymore. You just wait for "good mommy" to return and apologize or savor the peace even if it's just for a few weeks.

My aunt (mother's older sister by 11 years) used to say that all my mother was was a spoiled brat who always got her way. She was much, much more than that but my aunt only saw the really sick part of her when she visited. I was stuck with a malignant narcissist, borderline personality disordered, psychopath who just loved sadism. Looks like you're in the same position I was in 25/30 years ago. You have a sadistic bully on your hands.

My mother didn't have anyone other than me either (not that she wanted me - I was there to serve a financial/societal purpose). I totally understand your frustration, heartbreak and misery. It is so hard. :'(  It's like being in the center of a tornado.

What to do?

Well, looking back on it all I can say is 'cut her off'. She won't get any better, she'll only get worse - she really will, she will get worse. DO NOT let her spend any time with your kids! I know, I know - you want a family. A peaceful, happy family all getting along (except all you get is misery if you don't hop to and make her life the wonderful thing it should be by her standards) but she will turn your kids against you. There will be little innuendos dropped or she will ask the kids for little bits of information on you so that she can twist it and use it against you when you won't do what she wants. Then when your kids are older - she will turn on your children.

You say, "I can't cut her off! She's all alone! I need helpful hints to manipulate her into being a better person!" I say, "never gonna happen - she only will get worse and more devious." Getting a therapist is a great thing - good! But, get the right one. Someone who totally understands BPD/NPD/ASPD symptoms and their effects on the children of these parents. Right now, you're already so manipulated that you are getting sick. You need someone who can give you helpful hints to getting you back to mental health.

This woman has you wound around her little finger (just like me). She says jump and you jump. How long can you do that without having a mental breakdown? When do you have a day when you can get up in the morning and smile - without an undercurrent of guilt? You will spend your whole life with her duties. A good therapist will help you separate and if he doesn't do that, get another therapist who will. Your mother has to understand that you are not her slave. You have a life with children and a husband and you cannot drop your life at her whim and tend to her wants and needs. Let her put an ad in the paper for a slave... . see who will answer. NO ONE! So why do you do this? You getting paid that much? Probably not.

What happens next?

After you separate (or try to), it only gets more dramatic (steel yourself). It will not be easy for her but if you get a great therapist (and with your husband's help) it can be done. You have to get to the point where you just don't care what she does because you completely understand that she could care less if you melted down under the weight of her bullying. Could you behave like her to your kids? Could you bully your daughter or son? That's what she'd doing, you know. Bullying you. She will do anything to get her way, like a kid throwing a tantrum in the grocery store.

How does it end?

Well, for me, my mother pulled her "schtick" at my husband's funeral. Wanting me to entertain her the day after his burial because she was bored. When she couldn't get her way (my son told her to get a grip), she feigned yet another sickness and had me call the same paramedics at 3:00 am. The paramedics showed up for my husband only three days prior and I had to experience this all over again. The same people who carried his dead body out the door. After she did that, she left - waving her arms and saying that she was going to leave all her money to my cousin. She never even gave me a hug... . not one hug. But, two weeks later, she was back on the phone asking for money like nothing happened - and what was even more sick was I GAVE IT TO HER! Five thousand dollars - gone. The only thing I got from her was a veggie dicer. Uh huh... . a veggie dicer.

Where do you go from here?

My mother ended up giving herself a stroke (she was always playing with her health) but was too mean to die. She lingered for four years until she died this year in a nursing home. I didn't go to the funeral and I don't feel bad about it - not one bit. What will happen for you? I don't know but you have to start fixing this now before anymore damage can be done. She's damaging you, your marriage, your children and your life. Do you want to wake up one morning when you're in your 60's and your life is over? The only thing you have is the memories of the misery she put you through? I don't think so.

Let me say one more thing. If I was 30 years younger and I had the knowledge I have today, I would have taken that woman by the scruff of her neck and the seat of her pants and pitched her to the curb. I would have changed my phone number and moved. I would get so far away from that woman that she could never find me... . and not looked back. I know this is a cold, hardhearted thing to say, but that's exactly what I would have done because I know how the story ends now. She had a lot of time to poison minds and make people see me through her eyes... . and it wasn't a pretty picture. I am all alone. These women could care less. They just don't care what happens to you. You think they do and the problem is all your fault - but it's not. All they care about is themselves... . so let her hire a slave. See if anyone answers that ad.

You go get yourself a happy life. Start today.    My heart goes out to you.

[P.F.Change]

She does not sound like a safe person to leave kids alone with. She would rather use them to manipulate  you than consider their innocent little hearts.  :'(

Wishing you peace,

PF

[P.F.Change]

I didn't have loads of time when I made my first reply, so I came back to add that I think T is a great way to look after you. I think Ts are used to hearing stories like ours and will believe and validate you. How is your search going?

A lot of us have beaten ourselves up a bit for answering the phone or other things. It doesn't really help though, I don't think. Everyone makes mistakes, and we can all learn something from our experiences, whether they be positive or negative. It seems to me your mother does enough bashing for both of you, you could use someone who will talk you up instead... . and you are the ideal candidate for that. No need to treat yourself the way she does. What would it feel lile if you were patient with yourself? What do you want to do differently next time you are faced with a similar situation--what do you want to learn from this experience?

PF

[nevermore]

When I was NC I avoided my mother's calls for a long time. Each time I saw her name on the caller ID I felt my stomach churn. I think it is only natural to hope that one day they will call and it will all end. Maybe she would call and be sweet or apologize. We know in our head that won't happen but we are still the little girls that wanted a real mama, not the monster we grew up with.  We always seem to keep that tiny flicker of hope alive.  That is probably why you picked up the phone. Maybe it is a good thing that you stayed on and heard her spewing her poison.  This will redouble your resolve to keep her out of your life and most importantly out of your children's lives.

My mother went nutz on me several times but the worst one was when she screamed that I was "lazy" and a lot of other things I have blocked. The thing is I had been taking care of her night and day for six weeks after she fell and broke her neck. She arrived in an ambulance and slept in a hospital bed and by the time I sent her away she was walking faster than me.  Lazy?  Where do they gets these insults?  When you go to a therapist be sure it is a good fit. I went to one after my brother's suicide and she was a waste of time but a lot of them are a big help.