Hello Suspected Borderline mother - not wanting to see whilst carrying a baby

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Firstly hi! I'm new to the 'family'!  

I have a problem I've been thinking about for the last month or so and can't resolve it. I really hope you can help.

I think my moms a borderline, displays everything I have read about the condition over the last 3 years although not the promiscuity, drug or drink problem-Is that possible?

I am planning to have my first child but worried that the anxiety the relationships creates inside me will affect the unborn child & would much rather I don't see her over this time.

The best idea I have come up with is, too announce the birth 6 mths in to everyone.

That would look weird to them maybe; but they would understand why if I explained however it's puts my brother at risk for interrogation by mom & even worse if I told everyone else at 3 months and mom at 6 months.

Is it feasible to keep the baby news quiet then, say when moms wants to visit... . I'd rather have you come after it's born without kicking up world war 3?

I'm pretty good at resolving stuff but this one has got me stumped.

With regards to mom relationship we have minimal contact, with emails sent.

It was a shock and also a relief when I worked this out (about the borderline bit!) by help of web and was absolutely gutting. I have been chasing my tail for years trying to make the best of myself ever since the second divorce which was right over the last years of school.

Sorry to waffle on, giving you all the info that might help paint picture.

Lots of love to you, I feel for you all having to go through this, it's an awful experience but amazing when you think you have a reason for all the weirdness. It almost blew me away.

Any ideas will be welcome & I mean ANY!

[StarStruck]

Firstly hi! I'm new to the 'family'!  

I have a problem I've been thinking about for the last month or so and can't resolve it. I really hope you can help.

I think my moms a borderline, displays everything I have read about the condition over the last 3 years although not the promiscuity, drug or drink problem-Is that possible?

I am planning to have my first child but worried that the anxiety the relationships creates inside me will affect the unborn child & would much rather I don't see her over this time.

The best idea I have come up with is, too announce the birth 6 mths in to everyone.

That would look weird to them maybe; but they would understand why if I explained however it's puts my brother at risk for interrogation by mom & even worse if I told everyone else at 3 months and mom at 6 months.

Is it feasible to keep the baby news quiet then, say when moms wants to visit... . I'd rather have you come after it's born without kicking up world war 3?

I'm pretty good at resolving stuff but this one has got me stumped.

With regards to mom relationship we have minimal contact, with emails sent.

It was a shock and also a relief when I worked this out (about the borderline bit!) by help of web and was absolutely gutting. I have been chasing my tail for years trying to make the best of myself ever since the second divorce which was right over the last years of school.

Sorry to waffle on, giving you all the info that might help paint picture.

Lots of love to you, I feel for you all having to go through this, it's an awful experience but amazing when you think you have a reason for all the weirdness. It almost blew me away.

Any ideas will be welcome & I mean ANY!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi missful! Welcome to our family!



I'm so sorry things are so hard for you with your mother, especially now that you're planning on having a child on you own (congratulations, by the way!)

Yes, it's possible that she displays some of the traits, but not all of them. There are many combinations possible, form low to high functioning, which can make it difficult to spot at first.

It was a shock and also a relief when I worked this out (about the borderline bit!) by help of web and was absolutely gutting. I have been chasing my tail for years trying to make the best of myself ever since the second divorce which was right over the last years of school.

I know, it's a strange mix of relief and terror finding out, I think. But all in all it's good to have a name on things, that means we can take action - for ourselves, to have happier, healthier relationships.

Your father, step-father and brother sounds great!

I guess you haven't talked to them about this yet?

Even in a more roundabout way that you are planning on having a child and don't know what to do when the day comes to tell everyone you're pregnant?

Don't worry, we'll figure it out together. The people here on the board are a great support, and there are so many who can relate to your story and who are going through the same thing.

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!

[StarStruck]

Hi Scarlet,

Thank you it's been a bit of a journey as life experience all derived from 'her' put me off having a family until now.

Thanks for replying so soon.

That's really interesting about the low to high functioning I will look into this further!

& that's great I could def mention my concerns in a roundabout way to my bro, which is the relationship that is key to this problem, what with him still having contact with her. It's taken him years to see the light but recently has been left in bewilderment with some of her actions. his conclusion is 'it's weird' but it does give me something to work with.

Then rethink about what to do from there, least theres a first step. What a thing to negotiate. so determined to stop the rot though.

Thank again for the warm welcome, byeeee 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I see someone strong and caring when I'm reading your posts, both wonderful qualities for a future mom.

So now you have a first step in your plan 

There is a lot of very helpful information on this site, from leading experts in the field. One thing that I, and many others here, have found helpful is knowing how to communicate what we want and need. A way to do that, is to use TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth It may seem a little tedious remembering the steps of it, but remember that the goal is to get your message through for your sake.

[StarStruck]

Thanks so much Scarlet, just great... . really feel a lot more positive about it, all of it.

& the Tools SET link sounds exactly where I need to start... . blimey I could have done with this knowledge a long time ago... .

however very excited to practice this new language with 'you know who' rather than letting her comments eat me up in the times I do see her. So it's about time I start. Baby or not this needs sorting for good.

I think I'm starting to realise... . this is the start of really coming to terms with the full recovery!... . I am definitely ready for it! Ahhhh!

I am so happy, I cannot tell you how relieved I am.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

the Tools SET link sounds exactly where I need to start... . blimey I could have done with this knowledge a long time ago... .

Lord yes, I know the feeling 

I think I'm starting to realise... . this is the start of really coming to terms with the full recovery!... . I am definitely ready for it! Ahhhh!

I am so happy, I cannot tell you how relieved I am.

Then jump right on in, read and post, and you're on your way!

There's the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board where the senior members are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD mother, and pursuing a path of recovery from your traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Another valuable link is the Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner board, because they have the good info on how to communicate. You'll find it by going to the board and then clicking on Lessons, the third post from the top.

Good luck on your journey to recovery! We're so glad you're here.

[Sitara]

Hi Missful!  I can definitely relate to the difficulties of bringing kids into this whole situation.  Do what you feel is going to keep you happiest and healthiest throughout this amazing time.  I have two kids myself, and the first time we had a family member come to the hospital after the birth early in the morning and stay all day!  (She's not BPD, just oblivious that we wanted her to leave.)  It was miserable!  So with kid #2, we didn't let her know we'd given birth until we were leaving the hospital.  It was so much more relaxing.  So definitely do what you would rather do.  If you honestly want to let people know earlier, but you're holding back because of one person, perhaps think of ways you could still tell people and still keep your distance with her, but if you really want to keep it a special little secret just for you for awhile, more power to you!  Best of luck!

[StarStruck]

Hi Sitara,

Thank you v much,

Yes that would seem great also in the sense that at least then I wouldn't feel like I've had to change what I wanted to do because of this one person... . it would also feel that I'm being controlled to a degree which is annoying.

If I do go this way I just have to be sure that who knows can keep in to themselves.

It's all on the risk that mom would feel upset of not seeing me whilst pregnant, I just worried about the backlash. Also really sad that I have to do this at all, part of me wants this to all just be 'normal.'

I've got to be brave, start sticking up for myself with her. Joke is I'm pretty assertive but not with her.

I suppose I have to deal with head on because it is odd that I don't want her to see me on the face of it. She will want an explanation... . umm 9mths of sickness?

Glad you did it your way on the 2nd! that was brave given that the person had free reign the first time round... . how did they take it when they found you kept it a secret?

[Sitara]

Also really sad that I have to do this at all, part of me wants this to all just be 'normal.'

I can certainly relate! Boy do I wish that I could be open and honest with my uBPD mom, but unfortunately that's just not the way things worked out.

And to clarify, the person knew we were pregnant, we just didn't tell them we had given birth until after.  I realized I wasn't too clear and that might have been misinterpreted. As far as I know, they were just happy to be able to see baby at a later date.

Does mom have a history of taking over pregnancies, or are you the first?  If you live so far away and already have a fairly emotionally distant relationship, how likely is it that she'll want to start spending bunches of time with you?

I know you said you were worried about the stress during your pregnancy.  Which will be less stressful for you: keeping a secret, or telling her and establishing what you need?  Do what's best for you and what you need to stay healthy.

[StarStruck]

Hi Sitara,

Thanks for getting back,

This will be her first grand child. I think it's unlikely she will want to spend that much time but the time she will spend, as I imagine she will want to see me, resonates way after she's left. Either something she said or didn't say or the general awfulness of too much water under the bridge.

[Which will be less stressful for you: keeping a secret, or telling her and establishing what you need?] (cannot insert quote!)

Thats a clear way to consider it... . pondering as we speak! 

[ScarletOlive]

Hi Missful,

Just wanted to join in the welcoming party and say hi! It must be stressful, facing all the consequences of different ways for announcing the birth of your child. Congrats to you though! Babies make things so exciting! It seems like you've got a good idea of what you want. Telling mom about the birth after the fact would be more peaceful for you.

It sounds like you've been doing a lot of boundary setting lately. What happens when you set boundaries with your mother like email only contact?

This article talks about setting boundaries, and I think you'll find it very validating. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independenceThe best part is it explains how we don't have to live under the FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. We are adults who can make our own choices now. Another article that is pretty great is this one about communication techniques: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Keep posting and sharing, missful. We're here for you, and glad you've joined us. Sending you lots of caring and support.

[StarStruck]

Hi ScarletOlive ,

I really don't want to see her whilst I'm pregnant because there's a good chance I get affected by who she is as a person, what's said or how she acts and this resonates in a negative way for weeks after. Reminding me of all the nasty things she's done in the past.

I started to come to conclusion that I have no choice but to say No visits before babies born. ahhh. the thought of that makes me anxious but think I just have to be brave.

Whether or not to tell her preg - at 3 or 6 mths unsure still. If I tell at 6 I have only 3 mths of guilt if she's unhappy.

Thank you for your words of support, it really helps. I had a good look at the links you sent too.

Also very interested what you said about the boundary with the emailing and Mom.

- I started to realise that it was me that seemed to keep the relationship 'together'.  Even though I made the effort I would still come off hurt. So I made the effort less.

Funny thing is I never felt she was insecure but now realise thats exactly where this all stems from, over the last 2 yrs. Comments still catch me off guard, I haven't mastered communicating with the beast properly yet :D. There's a bit of narcissitic injury involved here. I say something reassuring straight after I realise she's upset but she has to turn the knife in at the time and later on too.

Having this dilemma is a pain in the backside because it brings the relationship to the forefront - where I don't keep it normally... . having to consider her is annoying then being reminded of the crap along the way as I wirte this does make you angry. I could do without this in my life. I have considered NC but what with a planned family on the way and a brother to consider it's not the right time.

The 'baby' has brought this to the forefront because I want to protect it from the 'rot' of narcissim (I use that as a blanket term) from the beginning. My partner and I are good people and have had our fair share of this personality type. We won't tolerate people in our lives like this anymore.

The tragic thing is my connection to her is normal and I feel guilty about taking something away from her but this has always been at my own expense. I love her but I don't love her.

[StarStruck]

O I should add, I still have see her face to face sometimes but not regular.

[StarStruck]

another addition point I thinks its more like .  I Love her but I can't love her.

God I found writing about this so incredibly boring and depressing. There's a life out there and I'm in thinking about how best to describe someone that has caused me a great deal of pain. The quickest I sort this out the better! Note to self!... . I think I'm giving myself the boot up the bottom I need.

Life's just too short isn't it!

Thanks for reading, listening and advising upfront!

[Blonde Mermaid]

Missiful,

I have thought of the same thing many times.  

What would happen when I get pregnant?  

Some years ago in a terrible fight we had, I told my mother something like "I don't want you or your bad energy around me when I am pregnant"

I made her horribly depressed after that, and she apologized afterwards for her behavior.  Still, as the stop walking on egg shells book points out, she started to give me grief some time after, I don't remember what the topic was about anymore (it's usually the family she doesn't see, the neighbors doing things to her or friends that have disrespected her)

I have realized that even if my brother and I aren't the subject of her long rants , we have to sit down and listen to her frustration for hours, then give her forced advice just to make her leave us alone.

I have thought many times that this kind of behavior would be unacceptable for me once I am carrying a child.

I said it and i still say it "I DONT WANT her bad energy to affect my unborn child"

I asked the Universe, God... for some sort of solution and funny enough I got the perfect opportunity to get pregnant and not be around her: My boyfriend (soon to be fiancee) is foreign.  At the beginning I didn't want to move countries but now that I am back in my own country for some months, I have realized more and more this is the perfect opportunity to make a life away from her.

My idea is to not tell her about the pregnancy until it's almost delivery time.  As I am gonna be away from her it will be easy to hide my pregnancy.  The excuse I will use, and I don't know if it can be applicable to your case, will be that I didn't want her to get too excited about it, because we weren't sure if the baby was ok all this time, I will tell her, "remember, I am not a young girl anymore" (I will turn 35 next year)

"I had to get tests done, before we were 100% sure the baby came with no problems."

And this part is true, both my boyfriend and I will be very careful and responsible once I get pregnant.  

But if we had loving, caring "normal" mothers we would ask them to participate in the process.  But we have decided we won't.


"I didn't want you to be concerned or worried since you couldn't do anything for me, since you are far away."

Seems like the perfect crime to me, let's see how it goes when I go back to England, by the end of this year.

You can use excuses like, I was too busy visiting doctors I didn't want you to worry about us.

My pregnancy has made me feel depressed, sleepy _____ (fill in the blank) and I didn't want you to see me like this all this time.

When your baby is born, try to not get him or her involved in her negative energy.  I have learned from my soon to be sister in law how she conditions my future mother in law when she wants to see her granddaughter.

(my fiancee's sister is married and has a three year old beautiful girl)

She sets boundaries.  "If you are going to start this conversation, if you are going to be like this, if you arent gonna help me, there's the door.  My child doesn't have to put up with you."

Hope my advice helps!

[StarStruck]

Hi Blonde Mermaid,

Thanks for your reply... . music to my ears really, sounds as if you have the very same thoughts as I! ... . the same problem!... . (Sorry you have it though)

I love it that you have such a great opportunity for being able to enjoy your pregnancy. It is a very 'clean' way of doing it. 

Good suggestions about what to say, I will have a good think about them... . my god the temptation to go 'off the radar' is unreal!

It's brought great relief to me that you know exactly what I'm feeling here, really has. Thanks so much 

[ForeverDad]

 

I think my moms a borderline, displays everything I have read about the condition over the last 3 years although not the promiscuity, drug or drink problem-Is that possible?

Yes it is.  We are all individuals, even pwBPD, and so we all are a little bit - or a lot - different from each other.  Otherwise it would be a less interesting world with everyone identical like robots off an assembly line.

My ex didn't drink, smoke or abuse drugs and if anything she was virtually frigid (with me) near the end of our marriage when her paranoia and black/white all/nothing thinking consumed her.  Whereas for years we had frequent intimacy though with slowly increasing problems, after our child was born 12 years into the marriage she was a different person, almost as though she could only attach herself to just one of us.  Of course she chose our child and I was blacklisted like all those others who didn't bend to her demands.  I recall once in those last months her exclaiming, "I feel like a prostitute, I should get paid!"   And I remember thinking, though never said out loud, "You'd be really poor."

As for your mother, you have to deal with her as she is, likely you will never manage to change her, not after all these years and not after everyone else has failed too.  So if you can't change her, then what?

Do what you need to do for your own peace of mind and sense of self.  She will do or not do whatever she chooses.  Not much you can do about that.  Metaphorically, put her on a leash far away in the back pasture and try as best you can to ignore the endless barking from afar.   So decide what is right for you and your cooperative supportive family members and proceed accordingly.

However, this doesn't mean you antagonize her, poking the beast, so to speak.  We have both coping skills and communication skills described here on the site.  They surely will help (at least a little) to avoid some of the conflict and impact of the biting remarks she's sure to make.

[StarStruck]

Hi ForeverDad, Thanks for sharing your experiences, that gives me more understanding of the actual character, as has been hard to distinguish when reading into personality disorder, it doesn't always fit to the test book does it :-/. The attachment issue is interesting, they don't have room for everyone do they.

It will be interesting when I start putting my needs first, as always been conscience of upsetting the apple cart. My guess is biting remarks, which I will not let affect me, or at least show hasn't effected me, (I'm sure they gain strength from that, 'narcisstic supply' stay calm and use communication tools.

- The normal thing has been she says something, almost sounds like defence (for no rational reason) I'm left quiet, hurt, confused, driving off thinking what was that all about... . then I put two and two together, a mile away from the house... . too late problem is left with me then.

Gosh like going back to school!

Thanks

[Clearmind]

If there is anytime a woman wants to protect herself is when she is pregnant. I completely get the feeling of wanting to protect your unborn baby and you. Its a special time which can also be filled with anxiousness about scans/tests and we all understand the need to maintain some remnant of calm.

I'm also pregnant so I understand the emotions.

Last weekend we had a birthday party for my grandmother. My aunt who is a low functioning BPD was also there and for the last 3 months there have been abusive emails sent to me about me from her.

I went in any case and knew exactly what I was going to do and say if she approached me, intimated me or was the slightest bit abusive. I was armed with very good boundaries and a strong sense of mothers instinct of ":)on't mess with me because this baby needs me".

Fear creeps in and so does guilt - both can be dealt with and processed - these are important emotions to process prior to giving birth in any case. I also have a BPD parent and it had in the past been my concern how I may pass on my childhood experience.

We need to be mindful that we are now adults with adult privileges - you get to choose. You are no longer that Little Missful who must obey the disordered parent - however this is often the emotional baseline us kids of Borderlines operate in as adults.

Miss we need to be us, be authentic, live a good life and have good boundaries.

If she called and got into a BPD state - blaming etc - what would you do/say?

If you saw her in person and she acted out what would you do/say?

And in both these scenarios how would YOU feel?

[StarStruck]

Clearmind, thank you. Got to say very clear!...

yes fear and guilt; especially regarding to putting up a boundary. It makes me cringe when I think about it.

Considering the questions at the bottom of your response. That's pretty interesting because on the the last question I would firstly be apprehensive and nervous but I think, after would start to feel empowered if I did it properly.

This is a habit I have to start asap.

Thanks for the support, to know you are living the experience now is something, also how you have a good command of the boundary setting.

You have a def point; it does make you feel like you're a child again, it's so disempowering, it robs you.

God I can't believe I have left it this long like this. Seeing her less and less was the only way I could deal with it. For my own health I need to stand up even if I still choose not to see her. This is going to sound funny; but to be there when I do this would be great feedback for me :D.

All the very best with your pregnancy, congratulations. I have always thought that being strong emotionally with experience of these types of people; (especially there being many more than society would admit to)... . The children born from parents such as this can only be in a stronger position.  

[Clearmind]

Practice, Practice, Practice! You are not the only one here on this board that has these feelings when setting boundaries. Its unfortunate we kids don't know how to protect ourselves and feel guilty for doing it.

The more you do it the more it becomes second nature. And yes you won't be operating as adult Missful with childhood emotions. If you feel vulnerable, that warm feeling that rushes over you, embrace it, sit with it and think why do I feel this way - you are being walked on and its time to set a boundary. Your limit has been reached.

Nothing wrong with hanging up on Mum if she starts on a rant at you. "Mum, I will talk to you about this when you are more calm and you can listen to me. For now I need to go".

Thank you for the well wishes - you too.

I can highly recommend a book that a senior member suggested to me: ":)aring Greatly - by Brene Brown". Even if you don't get the book google/you tube Brene Brown - she is a master at explaining the impact of vulnerability and shame. Not strictly in relation to having a BPD parent however these are the emotions we are left with as adults as a result of.

Be mindful we cannot change them - we can protect us! Start setting boundaries now for when bub does get here.

All the best

[StarStruck]

Thanks so much clearmind... .

Your advice is great and doesn't leave me with any room to escape from... . I really do have to do this don't I... . I will look into the book now, sounds excellent.