How to handle a set up situation with BPD daughter in law

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't seen my BPD d-in-l since the last blow up about a month ago and my son promised to come to see me tomorrow and bring the grands for a visit.  Haven't seen them in several weeks.  We had a fun day planned but now his wife says she wants to join us.  This is a set up and I know it.  If I say "No" she cannot come then he doesn't get to come and bring the girls so the girls get hurt and I get hurt.  I have no choice but to say "Oh yes" she is welcome to come.  She has told me in the past that she controls whether or not I get to see my son and grandchildren and this is yet another way of how she is letting me know she is in control.  I'm shaking like a leaf knowing this.  I keep reading all the stuff referred to me but no where does it explain how to handle these kinds of situations.  I just want to move so far away from them I don't have to deal with this anymore. 

[grana]

I haven't seen my BPD d-in-l since the last blow up about a month ago and my son promised to come to see me tomorrow and bring the grands for a visit.  Haven't seen them in several weeks.  We had a fun day planned but now his wife says she wants to join us.  This is a set up and I know it.  If I say "No" she cannot come then he doesn't get to come and bring the girls so the girls get hurt and I get hurt.  I have no choice but to say "Oh yes" she is welcome to come.  She has told me in the past that she controls whether or not I get to see my son and grandchildren and this is yet another way of how she is letting me know she is in control.  I'm shaking like a leaf knowing this.  I keep reading all the stuff referred to me but no where does it explain how to handle these kinds of situations.  I just want to move so far away from them I don't have to deal with this anymore. 

[mamachelle]

Hi grana,



I am sorry to hear about your situation and the way your DIL is trying to play games and also isolate your Son and Grand Kids. There is no easy answer. We do have tools here for dealing with a person with BPD that are pretty effective. One thing to do is set boundaries of what you can tolerate. It takes time but look at these links and let us know if they make sense.

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

How to stop circular arguments

Just a few questions:

How old are your grand kids? Could they come see you on their own? Could you pick them up without Dad or Mom involved?

Why do you want to move away? Is your DIL causing problems for you in your community as well? Do you have other kids or grand kids?

Let us know a little more so we can get you the right resources.

Yours,

mamachelle

[grana]

This has been an ongoing situation for 17 years; since the birth of my first grandchild.  I have 3 granddaughters and No, they are not allowed to come visit me.  I am not allowed to drive them anywhere.  The 17yr old refuses to drive.  I just moved back near them in February and she blew up at me about a month ago.  My son cannot stand up to her--no one can.  We don't know what her retributions might bring once she ever stops raving.  She becomes so enraged that we do not know what she is capable of.  I moved away when my husband died and at another blow up period where she hit my granddaugher in the forehead so hard it left a goose-egg and for that she says I have abused her because I did for once come back at her and told her you do not hit children that way.  She caused trouble in my former church but so far has not ventured this way.  I want to move back near my friends who will help me should I need it, about 2 hours away.  My son wants me to stay here to be near him (his work)--I do NOT live near them.  I am 70 with some health issues and my son feels responsible for my care but don't think it is worth the anguish.

[mamachelle]

grana,

Yes, it sounds pretty tough. You have to figure out what your limits are and what you can handle.

I have 6 kids, 3 bio and 3 Step. My H and I have ex BPD spouses.

I was thinking that with my question if your grand kids could drive over. My DD16 has just started driving and got her first job and I never see her. My kids are pretty independent. My 3 step sons have a BPD Bio Mom but she now live across the country and only sees the kids for "disney weekends" and some of summer break. She pretty much leaves us alone these days. I think part of it is that they are boys. I often think if they were girls life would have been a lot harder and it's pretty darn hard some days as it is.

I think people often think a move in one direction or another will end up in a "geographic cure" but if the underlying stuff is not fixed then the problems will continue.

Can you see if you have a local NAMI support group in your area for dealing with all this?

I also think seeing a therapist and working through this would be a good idea.

It seems your DIL feels threatened and working with some of these tools here and looking through the Workshops might help make the relationship less contentious.

 mamachelle

[grana]

Thanks mamachelle.