Question for parents of 20-30 y/o adult BPD child

[jollygreen]

I got along really well with my ex BPD gf's parents (she is in her mid twenties). We were together for almost 3 years, love, talk of marriage and kids all that stuff. She never told me she had BPD but told me a lot of other things (red flags) or signs of something going on I didn't know about. Just to make things brief, as far as I know she is undiagnosed. Anyways, we hanged out with her parents a lot, movies, dinner, parties, and lazy weekends. I really like them and miss them much. But every time we were around just the four of us, it always seemed like there was a piece of information they were keeping from me. I don't know what it was. Do they know how their daughter is and wanted to tell me? Did they feel like it was only a matter of time before I got dumped on my butt? One week after she split I got a message from her mom on Facebook saying "I think about you daily jolly." It was great thinking they might miss me but I knew I had to keep NC. It also made me feel like they knew what was going on and couldn't do a thing about it. I just hope they don't think I'm a big jerk and that they aren't believing every black thing that may have been said. So I wanted to see if any of you parents have been through this and what may have gone on behind the scenes with the parents of the woman that said I was her soulmate

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Someday . . .]

Wow, what perfect timing, I am going through this right now (except in reverse).  My daughters boyfriend just broke up with her.  He was a really nice guy and I feel that we both had a great deal of respect for each other.  I also did not tell him all the problems my daughter had.  They were together for almost one year and they were engaged.  In answer to your question:  I realize that it is in no way his fault.  I do not blame him at all for breaking up, I understand completely.  In fact, I am truly grateful that he was able to give my daughter some happiness that she had not had in a long, long, time.   My daughter had not made up any stories about him, as it sounds that way in your case, but if my daughter did, I would consider the source (my daughter) and since I know her well enough, I would not believe them.  So, in other words, I have a feeling that they honor the relationship they had with you and believe that you were not at fault.

[jojospal]

Hi Jollygreen.

 Thank you for coming here to ask that question. I feel for you, that you have been hurt in a relationship with a person with BPD. It is a terrible mental illness. My dd31 has been in at least four major relationships. None of them ended well. In the beginning, I chose not to get involved or "tell" about her mental illness. I guess I was doing that in the hopes that she would somehow grow out of it. By the time she was 21, and announced that she was pregnant with and was going to marry the man she had a restraining order against, (for stalking her) I told both the man, and his parents.They married and moved 1000kms away. I maintained a r/s with both of them and that union produced two children. Their marriage went through some really tough drama. More than once I felt the need to travel to their city to help her sort her life out. Each time, I would direct her to mental health services but, I would go home and she would quit.

 She left her husband and moved into an apartment with a fellow that she stayed with for four years. They had a baby too. She expressly told me that she didn't want me to tell him and so I didn't until up to about two years into the r/s. She got addicted to pain meds, from a woman's' problem and then after her operation, the docs stopped prescribing it, so her partner got it illegally for her. Then he got addicted himself. They both have been in re-hab since and I find it so hard to wrap my head around how fast and destructive it all was. He is a really sweet, kind man and he went from having a 80k a year job, to being homeless, living in a men's shelter. His family all but disowned him too and put all of the blame on my daughter.

 My dd did rehab, tried living with him again, and when that didn't make her happy, she moved in with a new guy. Just like that! Now, I have never met this fellow but I talked to him on the phone one night when she was having a crisis.(threatening suicide and cutting herself) He assured me that he wasn't going to let anything happen to her, that he loved her unconditionally and he was her soul-mate.  (cringe) I told him that she needs to be seeing a Psychiatrist and she has BPD.

 I do maintain contact with my grandchildren's fathers. Mostly via e-mail and facebook. I worry for the kids; their lives have been so disrupted. I have concerns too, that one or more of them will inherit this illness and continue the chaos into the next generation.

 I am thinking that her mother sent you that message to let you know that they don't believe all the black stuff their daughter is saying about you. It sounds to me that she thinks you are a good person. Don't respond to it if you don't want to, or just put it off for sometime. Until you recover and get a good toe-hold on healing, it would be best to leave it as is. For myself, I wish nothing but the best for my dd's ex-bf's and ex-husband. I have seen the pain and anger directed towards them. I have been the recipient of it many times. I do envy them one thing though. They were able to get out of the r/s. As a Mom, I must work on myself, because leaving my dd is no option.

 

[js friend]

Hi

I doubt they think you are a jerk jolly  

Believe  me, as a parent of a udBPDd it is hard to watch these destructive r/s.  By her  mid 20's  i bet your gf/s parents know all about their dd's behaviour as BPD often starts at the onset of adolescent.  They were probably hoping beyond hope that their dd would settle down with the stability you provided. They enjoyed your company and you enjoyed theirs and I dont think you should now look at the time you all spent together in any other way than that 

These days I allow people in my dd18's life to work it out for themselves over time unless they come directly to me. Even then it depends who it is. If it someone close who I trust I ususally say that my dd has some emotional issues.Easier to understand than Bpd I think and less scary. IF your exgf parents had taken you aside  it could have only harmed your r/s dont you think. They wanted to see their dd happy and have a chance of a normal life. I still live with that hope that my dd  will have a chance for a normal life someday, even though I know that it isnt very likely without professional help. Even if she could be in a good r/s for awhile I believe would improve her functioning abilities. Im hopeful that this will still happen... . but she still ends up chasing these quick fix  disasterous r/s  

I just stay out my dd's r/s now. I dont want to know the details because everything has to be so dramatic. If i get involved ultimatley iam accused of of taking sides so in the long run its best just to stay out of it.Much less emotional stress and headaches for me this way now i keep my distance. I think you were quite fortunate to be welcomed so well because there comes a time when we as parents have the r/s fatigue with the new b/f's g/fs. its hard to have the enthusiam and welcome a new bf/gf into the fold when we have seen so many end in disaster... . so your exs parents must have really liked you.

And I certainly dont believe everything my dd says anymore... . I worked that one out a long time ago!

[jollygreen]

Someday && j's friend

It feels great to hear your point of views.  I was so fond of her parents and so close almost to the point of a loving feeling.  Very close to saying it.  Lot's of fond memories too.  From the earliest parts of my relationship they treated me almost like a son.  And they would buy me gifts on holidays and my birthday, even randomly throughout the year.  When I wasn't expecting anything.  I'm not a materialistic person at all.  Eventhough they did all these things I still felt they were a little hesitant to get too close to me.  I really want to get into touch with them and let the know how much I miss them and that they will be forever in my heart and I wish happiness for their daughter.  But I feel no contact must remain sadly.

j's friend

Do I think that knowing about her past and her emotions/ BPD tendencies would've helped?  I can't really sure.  I think I would've shrugged it off thinking that she's been fairly an amazing gal up to this point how bad could it be.  And I say that because my ex actually said things like "I need therapy, I always screw up my relationships, I don't know my identity, I'm so depressed, I have so much anxiety."  After all of those flags I thought it couldn't be that bad.  If anything, had her parents of approached me it would've explained a lot to me for all the actions that occurred.  It would've helped me to control my emotions more.  I'm already guy that doesn't show much emotion which is why I guess it almost lasted to 3 years.  But like so many stories on here, the castle is bound to crumble down.

jojospal

I commend your being brave to let your daughter's diagnosis out to her s/o at the time.  You never know what actions to take and what would lite the flame.  My family was being torn from me.  It was so bad that they all said if I were to get married they would not show up to the wedding.  It sounds like your grandchildren have a great grand mother.  I have a coworker who is married with two children in their teens.  His wife shows signs of BPD traits.  He said both his children can see that some of their mother's actions are irrational and abnormal.  I believe your grand children can sense the instability but I cannot make an expert opinion of course.  Reading your last two sentences brought tears to my eyes.  And I'm not an emotional guy like I said.  I cannot imagine or fathom that amount of pain.  I think you are amazing parents for being there and still showing love to your children when they come back to normality.

I cannot thank you enough.  I have wondered for so long what may have gone on behind closed doors with my ex's parents during the good, bad times, and ultimately post breakup.  I wish they knew my caring and love for them.  But I know any contact will bring pain to not only myself but possibly them as well.  I still think about her, miss her, have feelings, have dreams and pain.

Jolly