Anyone parenting with no contact?

[momtara]

My husband is becoming very harassing.  He calls claiming he wants to speak to the kids, but really he wants to yell at me.  I jump now when I get a text or when my phone rings.

I don't want to take this to extremes, but I feel so much better when I'm not hearing from him.  I don't mind exchanging legitimate texts and emails about the children.

Is there a way to co-parent just by email and text?

[thisyoungdad]

We are trying to do just that, because my soon to be ex causes so much drama and problems otherwise. It has gone through periods where it works better than others. It drives me insane still though because often she picks and chooses what information she deems important enough to respond to me about with regards to our daughter. Rather than following what we have set in place where if a parent asks for information or anything in regards to the child the other must give it within 24 hours. She doesn't because although she started the no contact she feels I only contact her about our daughter because I really can't let her go and want to talk to her. So ego driven it is amazing. Recently it is working okay, better than before but not great. The more I can let go of her responding the better it is. Now I am getting to a point where I may send something but have a plan in case I don't hear from her or am prepared in case she doesn't ever respond. Then if she gets upset it isn't on me and I don't wait for her.

[david]

I didn't text much so I got rid of texting. I only communicate through email. It took months for the phone calls to die down but eventually they did. I only use the phone for emergencies. You may be surprised how few real emergencies there are. It takes patience and practice. I have our court order say that calls are for emergencies only. A voicemail must be left with the vital info and the rest is done through email. XBPDw tried calling me from various phone numbers a while back attempting to get around the boundary. I don't answer calls I do not recognize. She would then leave voicemails (they were not emergencies). I had 5 or 6 numbers in my phone book from this. If x calls when the kids are with me I just hand them the phone. I walk into another room and let them talk privately. It took months to get this working.

[momtara]

It's getting worse.  He has called me at work 3x today, emailed, and texted... . because I didn't update him on some nonurgent matters.   It's getting hard to function.

I don't want to go through the whole restraining order deal again.  I guess the lawyer letter didn't work.

I am just so afraid that if I don't respond, he'll do the same while HE has the kids and I really have a concern.  He is vengeful like that and lets small incidents stick in his mind to use later.

[Free One]

I am just so afraid that if I don't respond, he'll do the same while HE has the kids and I really have a concern.  He is vengeful like that and lets small incidents stick in his mind to use later.

I know it is hard, but you have to stop letting him control you like this. IF a restraining order is necessary, do it. For a moment try to let go of what he will do and think about what YOU need in this moment. The more he acts like this, the more leverage you have to limit his time with the children. This can help ease your fears.

Send him an email stating how and when you will communicate. Then stick to it. It's called setting a boundary. In all likely hood, he will rage a bit when you do it, but stick with it and he will move on. It's so very scary, but be strong. You can do it!

[david]

When I first set up my email communication only boundary I was scared something would happen to the kids. Ex tried a few things that before would have made me react. I did not. I became concerned that ex would raise the ante. Fortunately she did not or the kids did not let her. My ex's favorite was the children and an illness. She is a nurse so she was very comfortable in that area. She could convince our youngest he was sick even when he wasn't. Eventually, with me not reacting, I worked with S6 and patiently showed him that he really wasn't sick. She just tried it this week. He is 10 now. I picked him up and he said he was fine but mom insisted he was sick so he didn't want to fight with her. She took him to the pediatrician and had multpli tests done. Looking for strep, etc... . Everything was negative as I suspected. He is with me now and is fine. We go week to week in the summer so nothing will happen. Ex called yesterday because she emailed me saying she was taking him to the pediatrician and was picking him up on Friday. I told her in an email that if the tests were negative I didn't see the point. We went down the shore, which was planned. She called to talk to him. He told her he was fine. He hung up and we continued having fun.

[mamachelle]

It's getting worse.  He has called me at work 3x today, emailed, and texted... . because I didn't update him on some nonurgent matters.   It's getting hard to function.

My DH has taught me to just shut the phone off or put the phone somewhere else to ignore the barrage. Yes I still have PTSD type reactions when BPDexH calls (and also to certain ring tones I had during divorce and early years of split.)

He says, you know if we call our exes with BPD

-- they have no problem ignoring our calls. Make them wait. It also helps me and them to calm down.


mamachelle

[Rubies]

I was email only, let phone calls go to voice mail.  At visitation exchange I didn't get out of my car. He would walk over and try to engage.  "Send me an email."  I rarely responded to any of it.  Give him an inch, he'd try to take 1,000 miles.

Having records of his bizarreness and raging are excellent tools for the court. The judges love them.

Yes, placing firm boundaries on the BPD means having firm boundaries on yourself.  It's worth it to live in the No BS Zone.

[momtara]

Thanks - That's all quite helpful.

I try to see it from his point of view, as he goes 2 weeks without seeing the kids.  But this is getting out of hand.

He also has been demanding nightly updates on the kids.  Claims his lawyer said I have to give them to him.  Uh huh. 

How often do you folks give updates to the other parent about your kids, or get updates?

[Forward2free]

It all depends on the court order. In my case BPD/Nxh has limited contact of 4 hours every 2 weeks and no contact outside of that. I have sole parental responsibility (Aust system) so I don't need to communicate day-to-day things, just school reports and information about medical emergencies or major medical.

It works for me and it works for the kids. I had to get restraining orders, 4 years worth, to get to the point I am at now. He will get more visitation soon, but the orders will say that kids can contact dad when/if they want when in my care, reciprocal in his, and call on Monday and Friday night to speak with the kids only.

All correspondence from/to me is accepted in email only. Apart from the initial few weeks, the kids haven't missed speaking with him day to day and never ask to. I am always surprised by that.

I changed my phone numbers about 3 times and moved office building and home. It hasn't been easy, but it is 100% worth it and my peace of mind is so much better. I too suffered PTSD from the phone ringing or getting text messages. I still have some anxiety about it to this day.

If you are unsure about a call, let it go to voicemail. Even better, don't have voicemail and just ignore his calls. Send a text or email saying that he should email you about children's matters or to set up a time to speak with the kids. Keep it simple and short and maintain your boundary. When he calls, get on another phone and call someone or go outside and hang the washing, tell the kids you don't need to speak with dad. He may insist for a while, so look busy.

Be kind to yourself, it takes persistence and practice to find the clear space to breathe in.

[Ishenuts]

Momtara -  I totally understand your fear of retribution. My exH does that, also. But you can't prevent doing what you think it right. You'll never be able to predict what he'll choose to do to retaliate. It'll probably be something totally unrelated to your "offense".

My children are almost 11 yo. I talk to them every night when they are with my uNPDexH, and vice versa. I let them answer the phone. I don't speak to him if I can avoid it. I try to keep it to emails only. There's nothing specific in our parenting plan about daily contact, just that "The parties shall have reasonable access to the children while they are with the other party, including free access by mail, email and telephone". I think talking 5 minutes to each is reasonable, he keeps them each on the phone for 15+ minutes.

Your children are young, right?  Maybe you could compromise (I know - hahaha with a pwPD) and agree to an email update every 3 days? And get it in writing. I think he lied about what the lawyer said. Ask him to show you where it says that in your court orders?

Keep hanging in there!

[Free One]

\

-- they have no problem ignoring our calls. Make them wait. It also helps me and them to calm down.

\

It also helps you calm down and work past the trigger response. 

You don't HAVE to respond immediately anymore... .

As far as updates... . get something in writing with your parenting plan for a permanent schedule - weekly email summary or dad can call kids each night at x time.

[FamilyLaw]

You are no longer life partners, but you are now business partners -- partners in the business of raising happy, healthy children.  So treat this like a business transaction.  With older kids (middle school and above) each month write an "invoice" to the other parent and email it to him or her.  In the invoice include (1) any activities coming up for the next month or beyond that require attendance, money, or decisions, such as parent teacher conferences, recitals, games, school trips; (2) any updates on medical and dental issues and appointments; (3) any updates or concerns about school; and (4) any shared expenses from the past month, attaching copies of the receipts or invoices.

Write the email in bullet points and keep each issue brief and without any editorial content. You are not trying to convince the other parent of anything and you are definitely not trying to show them why they are wrong.

For littler kids it makes more sense to do this every other week or once week and include issues about behavior and development, i.e. "Junior has started to use the big toilet, but I'm still using pull-ups during the night.  He's been dry 3 nights out of 5."  

Make sure you cc yourself on the email and keep copies.  :)o not respond if you get a flaming email back.

[Rubies]

Thank you Family Law.  That is very clear and concise.

I'd like to point out by setting firm boundaries on the BPD in your life, you are teaching your kids by example how to deal in a healthy way with a person who will always be related to them.  I think this, and therapy, are the greatest gifts we can give to our children considering their circumstances.  They didn't ask for a BPD parent.

[Ishenuts]

Family Law - your recommendations seem to be more appropriate for a person with sole custody. My exH and I have joint custody - 50/50. We both get the emails from the school about field trips, performances, holiday parties; sports team schedules and meetings; we have to negotiate all dr visits, and who will take them, etc. And as far as expenses? Before he spends money that he expects to be 1/2 reimbursed for, he has to discuss it with me first. This has been a major problem as I've gotten bills for sports equipment, like $100 catcher's vests because DS is interested in catching, and this is the "safest" vest exH could find.  And just because exH makes 3-4X what I make, "what kind of mother wouldn"t want her child to have the safest equipment?"

I really wish I lived in the world as you described, and once a month I could "update" him on my cozy world with my children. It sounds so peaceful.

[Rubies]

I can't even imagine having to "negotiate" with a BPD if my kid needs to health care or not, that's including mental health services.    Our BPD didn't have our children's needs on his radar during the marriage, only his insatiable wants and fears.  Expecting him to be different after the split would not be rational.

I made appointments for days when kids were with me so I could make sure they were kept.  He could balk and rage to someone else, not to me.   They could learn what he was really like.  They did, the judge, his attorney, the school staff and DD's MH therapist.

Yes, he tried to jerk us around, threatened to drag me to a mediator, which I had no money for, when he wanted DD to stop mental health counseling when she wouldn't let him horn in.  "Go for it."  He didn't.  What kind of parent denies a child health services?

Put your children's needs first, let your BPD take care of himself.  You are no longer obligated to feed his need.

I do understand not every pwBPD is as raging and threatening and damaging as ours.   Ours couldn't follow simple visitation exchanges without game playing until a smackdown from the judge.

[ProfDaddy]

I have a land line for the children and a personal cell phone.  To establish the boundary, I informed my ex that I would communicate by email only and would respond to parenting questions within 24 hours -- told her not to call and not to text.  Also told her that parenting exchanges were drop-and-go.  Say your goodbyes in your own house and let the children walk to the car on their own... . for the children's own good since transitions are difficult for them and parents need to model healthy behaviors during these times.  Transitions are time for each of us to focus on the children, not our own interactions.  

I told the ex, and sometimes need to remind her that phone calls are for emergencies.  Then I logged into my cell phone account and blocked her number whenever the children were with me. This only works for cell phones on a contract -- if your cell phone is a monthly pay burner, you can't block and unblock numbers.  I unblocked the cell phone when the children were with her just in case there was an emergency.  For some land-lines, such as Comcast, you can also block numbers through your account screen.  

There was lots of anger from her when I first established this boundary, and I periodically need to send reminders to re-establish the boundary.  She tried to get the children to put me on the phone, I took the phone from the children and hung it up.  If she had her conversation with them, which is her right in the parenting plan, I would then uplug their phone for the evening so that she couldn't phone over and over and over.  She would threaten to take me to court about this but I made sure to communicate all parenting information on a daily basis and gave her time to speak to the children as specified in the parenting plan.  I allowed no other communication.

She did initially retaliate in petty ways when she had the children.  I had to let that go and asked myself whether my need to communicate with them was important for their care or part of my own insecurity.  Bottom line is that they were safe in her care and the rest of it wasn't really my business when they were in her custody.  I tried to call the children once each day they were in her custody and if she refused to pick up, that's her problem not mine (but I kept track just in case it did go back to court or mediation). 

So, set your boundaries, get a restraining order if need be, and if the children are safe, follow the parenting plan and let the rest of it go. 

[WhenWiLLitEnd]

My husband is becoming very harassing.  He calls claiming he wants to speak to the kids, but really he wants to yell at me.  I jump now when I get a text or when my phone rings.

I don't want to take this to extremes, but I feel so much better when I'm not hearing from him.  I don't mind exchanging legitimate texts and emails about the children.

Is there a way to co-parent just by email and text?

I wrote up an agreement based around no contact, only for her to demand she be there to supervise my visitation.

Personally I reckon it's hell dealing with a female BPD because they always try and fall back on "Their nurturing instincts."

They use the excuse of caring and nurturing as a form of manipulation and control.

Just like she manipulated the pregnancy to control me, once that didn't work it just got worse.

The only upside is that after mediation today, my Mother is finally starting to see I've been telling the truth all these years.

Does anyone know if the courts will allow me to see my son without this BPD control freak supervising my visits?

I have never done anything wrong, yet she makes out I am a bad person.

[momtara]

WhenWillItEnd - lots of people here have put up with their BPD exes lying, and there are strategies.  If you have no reason to be supervised, then you shouldn't be.  And she sure as hell shouldn't be doing it!  I don't know if you've posted here much, but you should start your own thread about this so that you get good advice.  I don't think courts would have one ex supervising another, but you need to be able to successfully defend against her nonsense.

[WhenWiLLitEnd]

WhenWillItEnd - lots of people here have put up with their BPD exes lying, and there are strategies.  If you have no reason to be supervised, then you shouldn't be.  And she sure as hell shouldn't be doing it!  I don't know if you've posted here much, but you should start your own thread about this so that you get good advice.  I don't think courts would have one ex supervising another, but you need to be able to successfully defend against her nonsense.

Thanks... . I have my own thread in an introduction thread.

My sons Mum isn't an X, she is a girl who manipulated a pregnancy in order to control me.

Has continued to control everything in regards to my son and tried to control my life, so I started mediation.

Now she even wants to control my visits, I don't have a criminal record, have never done anything wrong etc.

She has made my son completely attached to her and alienated him from me, apparently they refer to me as uncle.

But, I look forward to the process and look forward to posting on this board amongst you guys.

It's saddening to hear stories on here of similar experience, it's certainly not easy for any of us.

[momtara]

Courts aren't too fond of alienation these days.  Document everything - tape record too.