Does Optimism make you feel like BLEEP too?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

sort of a strange side effect of all this is sometimes relentless optimism and encouragement make my heart sink.

which i know is a strange reaction, does anyone else have this?

I like the idea of optimism, and try to encourage myself but alot of times optimism can feel invalidating or something, let me see if i can explain that without being debbie downer:

              When the ex broke my heart he also commented on how my sad, hurt, depressed reaction was a weakness, , like  i looked at everything negatively, which was why i was hurt, my fault. 2 years later the phrase "move on" or "moving on" is actually a very triggering phrase and for a while i felt like i heard it everywhere, in every context.

also i tried self help for a bit and it was infuriating. all the new age advice about "leaving the past behind" or "leaving behind people or things that no longer serve you." Up until this heartbreak i could see how that was peaceful or healthy advice but now i just think that is exactly what our exes do. the complete release of the past.

I guess those live in the now, letting go, love yourself before anything stuff gets to me because its really hard for me to do, and was shockingly easy for him. And he walks away taking the high road, or so it appears.

[Ittookthislong]

sort of a strange side effect of all this is sometimes relentless optimism and encouragement make my heart sink.

which i know is a strange reaction, does anyone else have this?

I like the idea of optimism, and try to encourage myself but alot of times optimism can feel invalidating or something, let me see if i can explain that without being debbie downer:

              When the ex broke my heart he also commented on how my sad, hurt, depressed reaction was a weakness, , like  i looked at everything negatively, which was why i was hurt, my fault. 2 years later the phrase "move on" or "moving on" is actually a very triggering phrase and for a while i felt like i heard it everywhere, in every context.

also i tried self help for a bit and it was infuriating. all the new age advice about "leaving the past behind" or "leaving behind people or things that no longer serve you." Up until this heartbreak i could see how that was peaceful or healthy advice but now i just think that is exactly what our exes do. the complete release of the past.

I guess those live in the now, letting go, love yourself before anything stuff gets to me because its really hard for me to do, and was shockingly easy for him. And he walks away taking the high road, or so it appears.

[Suzn]

This makes sense. "Moving on" and "detaching" are two very different things. We have to grieve a relationship before we become detached. Simply moving on, or trying to forget, the pain involved leaves those emotions just under the surface. (Easily triggered by any number of things) This is where they will stay until we release them. Emotions have no time limit, they will wait us out till we deal with them. It is not weakness to grieve, it is a trait of a strong individual.

[Learning_curve74]

Everybody has to take things at their own pace. Maybe you are not yet at that stage where "moving on" is yet possible. It takes time, and you are on your own timeline. Maybe we need to feel hurt and to take the time to work through it. Be kind to yourself and realize that you are doing the best you can at this moment.

Trying to make yourself (or anybody else) cheer up by saying "cheer up" often just makes you feel bad about feeling bad. And like you said it can be doubly painful considering how shockingly easy it was for your ex.

I am an optimist but it makes me beat myself up more that I can't "fix" things between me and my pwBPD. So sometimes trying to be optimistic can backfire.

[Validation78]

Hi ItTook... . !

I understand what you are saying about the simple statements being somewhat invalidating! I think we hear them as catch phrases often, however, if you explore more about the catch phrases, you will see the deeper meanings! That being, acknowledgement of your feelings, your grief, and the necessity to experience it, to embrace it, in order to heal.

It appears easy for the pwBPD because they are not healthy. Not to mention that the outside appearance doesn't come close to the inner turmoil they really feel. Remember how wonderful your relationship once appeared to others observing you?

What your ex expresses about your feelings, and how they make you weak is coming from an unhealthy perspective! Your feelings are real and learning how to process them, and live with them in a healthy manner takes courage, and makes you strong. Keep striving to be strong, healthy, and wise! You can do it!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[tailspin]

 

There is a time and place for optimism and it will feel unnatural if you take a bite too soon, much like fruit that hasn't yet ripened.  The changes you are going through are profound and it helped me to fully experience each stage of my growth/healing before I moved forward to the next level.  This allowed me to fully experience my most authentic self along the way, but it also meant my growth stages were slow and sometimes painful.  I fully embraced feeling like BLEEP and didn't even consider optimism at one point; wallowing was all I wanted to do.

Be kind and patient with yourself and be true to who you are and what feels right to you. 

Sometimes it feels great to just be.

tailspin

[musicfan42]

Yeah I completely agree with you-it's a load of crap... . if you look around you at the world, horrible things happen everyday. But desperate times call for desperate measures... . when you feel really bad, you'll try just about anything to feel better. So I've done affirmations, self-help books etc. I still think it's nonsense but that doesn't mean I'm not going to give it a go if it'll make me feel better! I believe in God too and I wonder if that's nonsense too at times but then I think "look, it makes me feel better". The thing about positive thinking is don't analyse it too much-just do it. It works when you just do it however when you start thinking about why you're doing it, it tends to fall apart. That's been my experience of it anyways. Sometimes you just have to have faith and just do it even though you think it's not going to work out... . to just try it out and even if it doesn't work out, so what really... . there's no guarantees after all.

[Surnia]

Hi ittookthislong

very interesting topic, it remembers me a T session I had. My T said in a side note that all the positive affirmations like "I will get stronger/happier every day doesn't work with people with low self esteem." It was a light bulb for me. There was a time where a lot of people came along with this positive thinking stuff and I never found it for myself helpful and felt some way bad... .

And the most awful song title I have heard is: ":)on't worry - be happy"! Its the number 1 invalidation song... . for me.

What are the options? Acceptance for ourselves. Like suzn said it. We can find only inner peace and strength when we are accepting all our feelings.