lying about intimate matters? I just don't know...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear all,

First of all, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for reading my messages and for replying with such thoughtfulness, consideration, wisdom and kindness. I'm starting to feel like I've found a family of sorts here, even though we don't know each others names!

I sincerely hope I don't bore you, but I'm finding it so helpful to post things as I remember them, as they come to mind, as feelings or questions enter. It is so helpful to be able to share this with all of you. I also hope to someday be of some help to someone else here.

I had a therapy session today. One of the things we talked about is that in the very core of my being, I don't understand how we could be so close and intimate and then she walks away pretty cold turkey like nothing happend. I asked my therapist how a 31-year old woman, who has had a few boyfriends in the past but has never had sex (and saved herself all this time) finds a person she loves more than ever before, has sex after two months of begging and nagging can just leave a few months later and not even care about that person? The truth is, she even wanted sex the first time I went to visit her, and sulked for the rest of the visit when I said no.

My therapist told me my pwBPD had actually been lying to me. My therapist told me today that she (the therapist) could not believe my pwBPD's story. She said that a first night IS a very big deal for a woman, and my BPD would not have extorted me for sex if it really was her first time (and ceased to care about me).

She has a boyfriend of three years, and they always share a bed when they visit each other, but she claims they never had sex and have not even kissed since she met me. My therapist did not believe this either.

Honestly, I don't know what to believe. If my BPD was lying about this, what else did she lie about? but she seemed so convincing... .

A part of me is so tempted to call her boyfriend and ask him... . of course I would not do that though. The thought that she lied to me about such a thing freaks me out, yet it also gave me a strange sort of peace. I'm trying to analyze why that is.

What do you guys think? Could her story be true?

A bizarre part of this is that I feel a strange sense of loyalty to this BPD. You all say NC, but a part of me feels that since we did the most intimate things possible, I owe her something and I've committed to something. Maybe a part of me feels that if I go NC for too long without sending her loving messages, it will belittle and take away from the awesomeness and the beauty that sex ultimately is, no matter how wrong or awful the circumstances. It would also take away from the commitment that my body and thus mind and soul made to her.

DOn't get me wrong, I want to detach, I see all the abuse that happened, I see how unhealthy (and wrong) this relationship was. But I have many different voices and sides inside me.

As always, I would be so grateful for your thoughts and advice.

[Jhensohn]

Dear all,

First of all, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for reading my messages and for replying with such thoughtfulness, consideration, wisdom and kindness. I'm starting to feel like I've found a family of sorts here, even though we don't know each others names!

I sincerely hope I don't bore you, but I'm finding it so helpful to post things as I remember them, as they come to mind, as feelings or questions enter. It is so helpful to be able to share this with all of you. I also hope to someday be of some help to someone else here.

I had a therapy session today. One of the things we talked about is that in the very core of my being, I don't understand how we could be so close and intimate and then she walks away pretty cold turkey like nothing happend. I asked my therapist how a 31-year old woman, who has had a few boyfriends in the past but has never had sex (and saved herself all this time) finds a person she loves more than ever before, has sex after two months of begging and nagging can just leave a few months later and not even care about that person? The truth is, she even wanted sex the first time I went to visit her, and sulked for the rest of the visit when I said no.

My therapist told me my pwBPD had actually been lying to me. My therapist told me today that she (the therapist) could not believe my pwBPD's story. She said that a first night IS a very big deal for a woman, and my BPD would not have extorted me for sex if it really was her first time (and ceased to care about me).

She has a boyfriend of three years, and they always share a bed when they visit each other, but she claims they never had sex and have not even kissed since she met me. My therapist did not believe this either.

Honestly, I don't know what to believe. If my BPD was lying about this, what else did she lie about? but she seemed so convincing... .

A part of me is so tempted to call her boyfriend and ask him... . of course I would not do that though. The thought that she lied to me about such a thing freaks me out, yet it also gave me a strange sort of peace. I'm trying to analyze why that is.

What do you guys think? Could her story be true?

A bizarre part of this is that I feel a strange sense of loyalty to this BPD. You all say NC, but a part of me feels that since we did the most intimate things possible, I owe her something and I've committed to something. Maybe a part of me feels that if I go NC for too long without sending her loving messages, it will belittle and take away from the awesomeness and the beauty that sex ultimately is, no matter how wrong or awful the circumstances. It would also take away from the commitment that my body and thus mind and soul made to her.

DOn't get me wrong, I want to detach, I see all the abuse that happened, I see how unhealthy (and wrong) this relationship was. But I have many different voices and sides inside me.

As always, I would be so grateful for your thoughts and advice.

[Validation78]

Hi J!

Sorry to hear about the confusion and pain you are feeling during the detachment and grief process! It's hard, and it does get better with time.

You may never know the truth. Frankly, there's only one person who can tell you the truth, and she has told you her truth. I have to say, for what it's worth, that her story sounds a bit far fetched, however, it doesn't mean that it isn't true.

How would it help you to know for sure that she lied to you? There are many other reasons why you don't want this relationship anymore, and aren't they enough?

I admire your loyalty to your love, and many of us have felt the same way, which is why many of us stayed in these relationships. The bottom line is though, that you owe her nothing. You owe it to yourself to get healthy, be the best you can be, pursue your dreams, and move on with your life perhaps with someone who can reciprocate your love and feelings in a healthy manner.

Give yourself the time to grieve and heal. You will get better, and you can have everything that you want and deserve!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[ObiRedKenobi]

You sound like you are really struggling and I feel for you. Validation is right it does get better with time.

I have to agree with your T that the story just doesn't sound right. I can give you some of my experiences and you can take it for what its worth.

My very first real girlfriend we were each others first and I don't know how to put it delecately except to say there was no question about it for either of us.

I dated a girl many years ago who told me I was her first. I didn't believe her but I was 19 or so and stupid so I just went with it because I thought I was getting what I wanted. I don't think that one was BPD but she was a people user for sure.

As far as your sense of loyalty goes I can understand that for sure. Still I want to jump to my ex's defense whenever something is said about her or anything like that. That feeling has faded a lot as I get farther removed from the relationship but its crazy the attachment we develop.

[MarkMo]

I have a similar situation where my wife moved in with another man. She has been living there for two months and she recently told me that because she is still married she has only slept with him once, even though they sleep in the same bed and they rarely kiss or hold hands. Yet they talk all day every day and she posts tons of things on facebook so I am told about missing him and such.

I am not going to tell you that your pwBPD is lying and I have just recently learned about BPD in general. However, knowing that my wife has BPD can lead me to telling you this. If it makes no sense at all, she is lying. Don't think about her as much as him or even yourself. How would you feel if your gf was living with you and you felt a certain way about her and she wouldn't even kiss you?

I only say these things with conviction because my wife's two biggest things are lying and manipulation. She is a true expert and it has only been through years of knowing her that I finally learned to spot the lies. Really, what you may have to listen for are inconsistencies, especially if you know a truth that she doesn't know you know.

I know this sounds bitter but it really has become true, at least for me... . The hard part isn't telling when she is lying, its being able to tell when she is telling the truth.

I am still struggling myself with everything and want her back. Things are not easily forgotten just because she has done so much. Val is right though. Knowing the truth won't change things too much. I know for me, hearing more lies and knowing the truth has actually made things worse for me instead of better. While it is an eye opener, it tends to continue the pain for longer than it needs to.

I am going through a divorce and custody battle so I actually don't even want to "move on" until that is all over so I am right for whomever I may meed in the future or better yet, if she decided to get help and come back.

Moving on is harder than it sounds and takes different amounts of time for everyone. Do things at your pace and however you feel comfortable doing things. Things will get better eventually either way as sick Im sure of you hearing that.

[Lao Tzu]

     Val is so on target when she asks "How would it help you to know for sure that she lied to you?  If this were any other girl you dated would you believe she wasn't having sex? If it were your sister? Come on, you know what is very likely to be the truth; it's just that "the truth" isn't the point.  If you had a video camera in her vagina would it actually make even the slightest difference knowing what goes on there?    It truly would not.

     Detachment isn't a decision; it's a very human, very messy, time-consuming process.  You're just really getting started (me too), and you need to be patient with yourself and get a better understanding of this disorder.  I admire your interpretation of the meaning of sex.  Many women (even some here) have good reasons to believe that men don't think of sex as much more than masturbation that involves another body, and we both know that isn't true.  The thing is, you will find in your reading here that sex for the pwBPD (and this has no male/female/hetero/homo/etc. differences at all) means something very, very different.  Love, too. Meaning has to be shared by both people, and the fact that she felt so strongly about the sanctity of sex and love is a result of her 'mirroring' those feelings in you.  Maybe in her mind she fully adopted those beliefs briefly and wasn't 'lying' in the strictest sense, but the plain truth is that what you saw as her belief was actually your belief being reflected back at you. You're a very fine person and thus the reflection was something that was pretty fine too. Good for you.

LT 

[slimmiller]

What she may be trying to say is she did not have sex with him since she met you but did he is having sex with her since? Meaning she didnt really want to but went along with it... . twisted logic I know but with a BPD, logic, if it exists is not what you or I think it is.

As you detach, I think you will see the answer as clearly as your therapist does on wether or not her not having sex with him is true. Even if she isnt, that means she is cheating on him with you.

Sex to them is merely a way to soothe their emptiness and unfortunately that involves others who view sex as a deeper intimate thing thats mutual. They live in a different world then we do

[papawapa]

I am going to be brutally honest with you. She is a liar. A thirty one year old woman that wanted to have sex with you the first time you met her in person is not a virgin. Period, end of story. As someone else mentioned they are masters at mirroring others. At some point before you met her you made it clear to her how you felt about sex being something not to rush into. Her telling you she was a virgin was her attempt to make you believe she held the same values as you regarding intimacy.

[MarkMo]

Very true. My BPD wife definitely takes on the likes and dislikes of whoever her friends are and will even start to dress that way.

[Dave44]

I am going to be brutally honest with you. She is a liar. A thirty one year old woman that wanted to have sex with you the first time you met her in person is not a virgin. Period, end of story. As someone else mentioned they are masters at mirroring others. At some point before you met her you made it clear to her how you felt about sex being something not to rush into. Her telling you she was a virgin was her attempt to make you believe she held the same values as you regarding intimacy.

I don't mean to hijack the thread here but wow... . I had to chime in here. When me and my ex started dating she had been living in her current townhome for a year and a half. After about 3 weeks of intesnse dating she started asking me to spend the night. Was a big step for me as she has two daughters 4 & 8 so it meant a lot to me. I put it off for about a week until finally I broke and spent my first night there (and every single other night until she ended it and broke it off. I never spent the night at my place again after that first night). She told me how I was the first guy to have spent the night at her place since she had lived there. This of course made me fe extremely special and to be honest, quite honoured that she would choose me to spend the night in her house with the kids there. She also proceeded to tell me how not only was I the first guy to spend the night but I was the first guy she had been intimate with since moving in there. Again, I felt on top of the world. Wow, what an honour!

4 months after she brutally dumped me I couldn't take it anymore and we t searching for answers which meant some digging into her past. I spoke to half a dozen of people she knew and or dated. Amongst the MANY shocking realities I found out which suddenly enabled me to start putting the puzzle together was that I wasn't the first guy to stay the night there. Matter of fact I wasn't even the second! I spoke to TWO guys she dated during that year and a half period. Both had spend the night there many times and both were obviously intimiate with her there. Once again -- a blaighten straight up lie. Even worse... . She obviously made her oldest daughter (8) lie to as she too reasured me I was the first guy to have "sleep over". Pretty sick considering one of the other guys that she dated had a daughter the same age and she would be vey excited when he spent the night as it meant she had a play date sleep over with his daughter too.

For me, these are the things that hurt the most. The blaighten lies right to your face about intimate important milestones of dating someone.

[Elpis]

A bizarre part of this is that I feel a strange sense of loyalty to this BPD. You all say NC, but a part of me feels that since we did the most intimate things possible, I owe her something and I've committed to something. Maybe a part of me feels that if I go NC for too long without sending her loving messages, it will belittle and take away from the awesomeness and the beauty that sex ultimately is, no matter how wrong or awful the circumstances. It would also take away from the commitment that my body and thus mind and soul made to her.

DOn't get me wrong, I want to detach, I see all the abuse that happened, I see how unhealthy (and wrong) this relationship was. But I have many different voices and sides inside me.

As always, I would be so grateful for your thoughts and advice.

I have to say I admire your view of sex as a beautiful act that bonds 2 people and builds intimacy. That's how you feel, and i'm pretty sure she doesn't share that feeling given her actions.

I think that's one of the most difficult things for me about BPD is how their words and their actions can be so stinking separate, like they come from totally different people! I've been married to my uBPDh for a loong time, and once I finally realized that so many of his promises were just words, I started saying just that in my head "WORDS!" so I don't buy into his "truth" of the moment since that causes huge disappointment in me. i'm just afraid i'm gonna blurt that out loud some day.

One of the interesting things I've observed with my H is the changes over the years regarding sex and how his "truth" changes by what he wants out of life at the moment. I know I've stumbled into a guys' discussion and it's been really interesting to read! But I guess my cautionary tale is just that: for the BPD even sex takes on different meanings depending on where they are in their head at the moment. Cuz my guy was very very interested when we were young (in sex I mean) but now at 60 i'm still interested and he has a million excuses to not be. "i'm too fat" (yet I will guzzle beer all weekend and not care about what I eat) and to telling me that I expect too much. It's a regular fun house long term with the BPD.

[Emelie Emelie]

jhen - I am also struggling with how someone you were so intimate with can walk away so abruptly and easily.  It's hard.  What I keep hearing from people on this board is they just don't think the same way we do.  We broke up (he dumped me) about a month ago.  But in thinking about this... . endlessly... . after we had been dating about a month he also abruptly disappeared.  This was just after a conversation where he sort of bared his soul to me, told me how emotionally involved he was becoming with me and wanted to make sure I was on the same page before it went any further.  We ended up having sex the first time a couple of days later and then... . poof!  He went AWOL.  I finally reached out to him a couple of weeks later... . said what the hell happened here?  (I realize now it was abandonment fear.)  In any case what I'm trying to come to terms with is it doesn't really make sense to us.  Because we would never behave that way.  But they see things differently.  And they do and say whatever they need to to get what they want in the moment.  And I understand how difficult it is to go NC.  I haven't been able to manage that yet.  (He's all good... . doesn't contact me.)  But I know I have to in order to detach.  Feel good about the fact that you honor commitments.  That you consider a sexual relationship to mean something.  Honor your own goodness and find someone who appreciates it.

[Jhensohn]

Dear all,

Once again thank you so much. Just a small detail... . we met first for a few days in June. Nothing happened. Then we met for a day in August and then I went to go visit her for a few days in September (for professional reasons). The last night of that visit is when she asked for sex for the first time. We had slept in the same bed and kissed before that though during previous nights of that visit (which also was strange... . I brought my own bedding and mattress, and she asked me when I arrived why I brought that). But I would absolutely not have sex.

Davd44 touched on something for me. He said after while he could not stand it anymore and went into her past looking for answers. Gosh, I can relate to that so much. There is a huge part of me that would like to do just that. I really do think I would feel better if I had it on black and white that she lied to me for a fact. I would like to figure out who her friends are, contact them, just find out more what kind of person she was towards others but most of all, figure out the truth about this issue.

But I'm not crazy right? If you give your first night to someone, if you tell them they are for sure the one for you, then at least you should CARE (not even love... . care) about them a couple of months later, provided nothing drastic has happened? I'm mean, that's normal, right?

[Octoberfest]

She was lying to you. I guarantee it.

You ARE right; a normal, healthy person would feel those things you described. People with BPD ARE NOT normal or healthy.

There is a reason that their lives are marked by unstable relationships.

pwBPD have such an unstable sense of self that they get most if not all of their feelings of self-worth from others.  Think about that for a second.  In order to do that, they have to constantly be pleasing people.  Making others happy in order to receive that validation that they so crave.  pwBPD focus on whoever is in front of their face at the time.  She told you that she was a virgin, it was special, etc, because she knew it would draw you in closer.  She has probably said the same thing to many people.  The same principle holds true for whatever she has told you of her new relationship.  I talked to my BPDex after a month of no contact and got stuff like "oh I haven't slept with anyone since you" or "I think i'm going to move because everything here reminds me of you" or "I broke up with the new guy".  She called me baby in conversation just like she did when we dated.  A week later she was telling people she was engaged to the new guy she supposedly caught cheating and broke up with.  Who knows what the real truth is there.  But she will tell me that I am special, that she hasn't slept with anyone, that she is single, because she knows that that stuff draws me in.  It hooks me. 

Of course, you can see where this strategy backfires.  They end up promising the same things to too many people and eventually all of their lies catch up to them.  It all blows up in their faces, they paint US black, and move on to the next new group of people.  My 22 year old BPDex was at her THIRD college when I met her. And she is moving (supposedly) to a new town here soon.  She ups and leaves and moves to a new place because she creates such a mess for herself wherever she goes, to the degree she needs a whole new town that isn't wise to her act.

It is hard.  We so desperately want to believe them... . and it is hard not to.  They tell us exactly what we want to hear.  But that in itself is a tell; in life, we DO NOT always hear what we want to hear.  They are master manipulators because it is how they "survive".

We have a hard time sometimes because we can see their face books or their interactions with others and it appears that other people think that they are great and that their lives are great.  Both face book and those interactions however are common in that they are a very shallow look at these people.  On the surface, it appears all rosy and wonderful BECAUSE THEY MAKE IT LOOK THAT WAY.  It is only when one REALLY gets to know them, gets close to them, gets involved with them, that the cracks begin to show.  And there are MAJOR cracks.  It is even a tell that everyone seems to think that they are great.  NORMAL people have a few core principals, things that are bottom lines that define them as people.  These are the things that make us who we are, the ones that attract some and repel others.  pwBPD do not have these core principals; they are fluid and mirror those around them.  THIS DOES NOT WORK when it comes to being in a healthy, faithful relationship.

Bottom line, maintaining a long term HAPPY and HEALTHY relationship with these people is impossible.  They lie and lie and lie because it is how they keep their fantasy world together. As it has been mentioned, love and sex mean very different things and serve very different roles for pwBPD than healthy people.  In my experience pwBPD often use sex as a weapon.  Many normal people see sex as a very intimate act; by telling you she was a virgin, your BPDex sunk the hooks in deep to you. She made you feel special, that YOU were the only one she would share that with, that you were unique.  Mine did the same thing.  She sure didn't say she was a virgin, but she made all sorts of comments about how it was so good with me and it felt special and all sorts of other stuff.  It is manipulation, plain and simple. I have ZERO doubt she has slept with at least one if not more guys since we split 3 months ago. But she sure won't admit it, because she wants to keep me in a box on the shelf.

It is really pretty sad when you think about it. I pity my BPDex more than anything at this point.  I have finally started to stop blaming myself.  She is not a good partner.  For how many people she has slept with and dated, she is not a good lover and does not know how to genuinely love someone.  Relationships and sex for her fulfill a need, as real as the need to eat and drink.  It is a dependency, and almost like a junkie, they will say whatever they need to in order to get their fix.


Peace and strength to you

[MessedWith]

... . A thirty one year old woman that wanted to have sex with you the first time you met her in person is not a virgin. Period, end of story. As someone else mentioned they are masters at mirroring others. At some point before you met her you made it clear to her how you felt about sex being something not to rush into. Her telling you she was a virgin was her attempt to make you believe she held the same values as you regarding intimacy.

I disagree with the first notion above (if taken generally) i.e. a 31yr old virgin would not want sex as soon as she met you. 

It is very possible for a number of reasons, including the most obvious one - a non-threatening guy happened to be in the right place at the right time for her when she had decided to get rid of her no longer wanted virginity (people can change their values over time, including the "keep it for someone special" one).  I disagree with your therapist because I don't think the guy would necessarily have to be special to her, nor someone she wanted to be in a long-term relationship.  In fact, she might choose the complete opposite and use a random, one-night stand guy who she will never see again.

That's just talking generally and out of the context of your situation.

BPD changes things (not that I'm saying a 31yr old BPD virgin is inconceivable, mind you - maybe she really was for her own, disordered, control freaking reasons, for example).  However, the first thought that came to mind is what papawapa and others said about mirroring you - she might have manipulated you by matching your values on that matter, which likely would have boosted your trust and feelings towards her. 

It's one of the things they do that intensifies your attraction to them.   They are very talented at lying to you and manipulating your emotions.   

All people twist (or carefully phrase) the truth a bit and tell little white lies to manipulate others' emotions, but BPD's do it on a WHOLE OTHER SCALE that you aren't prepared for if you've never encountered it before.   You believe what they say to you because you yourself would not lie and manipulate someone to that extent and especially on such heart-felt matters. 

The BPD's duplicity and hypocrisy can be astounding when revealed.

Personally, I got a lot of value out of revealing the lies that were told to me by digging around after the r/s ended.  It helped to move from the "devastated grief of losing the love of my life" stage (she left me), into the anger stage when I was able to drop the "Love Blinders" that kept me from seeing what the relationship was really about.  I too felt loyalty towards her at first because we'd been so very intimate, and it felt so very special, but all that evaporated when I was finally able to see how much she had deceived, manipulated and controlled me.

So I think digging around and revealing the lies can be very useful for putting things into perspective, which helps in moving on and learning from the experience.

[MarkMo]

I agree with MessedWith about the writing things down helps you to see what the relationship was all about. However, Be CAREFUL. I love my wife very much, even though she has moved out and is now doing what she is doing. I say be careful, because depending on how much you loved her or still do, its going to hurt that much worse. I know that I thought it would be a healthy thing to sit here and write everything down. Twenty pages later and almost at the end of our 5 year relationship, well I had to stop writing sometimes because I almost broke down from the realizations that I had.

I don't know if I will ever reach the "hatred" stage because of how I do feel about my wife but it will give you some sort of perspective when she blames you for everything that went wrong in the relationship.

As far as the lying and manipulation goes, my wife can match up with the best of them. I have no doubt on that. She does mess up from time to time and that is because her lies are so incredibly elaborate that she always seems to mess up somewhere. It might be as small as one thing that she says or later on down the road you will notice something, but they will mess up because You were the one hurt by the lies and you will remember it.

I really think that this mirroring notion is so true. I can see that whenever my wife comes in contact with new people. She always changes herself to become more likeable to her new friends or now bf. A for instance is the fact that she is NOT an avid hockey watcher by any means. This year during the Stanley Cup finals she animatedly hated the Chicago Blackhawks. Now here I am, knowing her for 5 1/2 years at this point, wondering where this came from. Well even though she never friended me on facebook, I was able to see one person she was following, and sure enough, he hated Chicago.

Its almost sad to see things work that way because I have always loved her for her. I didn't always love the same things that she did but I shouldn't have had to. I could have still enjoyed them with her. She always felt that she had to like everything. Just a thought.

[Dave44]

Jhensohn,

Yes, digging into her past was crucial in my healing process (although 8 months out I'm still a long way from 100%). A lot of people will say don't do it, it will only cause more pain. However, for me it was the only way I could get the closure I was certainly never going to get from her. I contacted several of her ex's and a few people who knew her from her previous place of employment. The full scope of her lies that I uncovered as a result was unbelievable. It soon became clear to me that I was sharing a home, a bed, even a family (her two daughters) with a woman that with the expection of her name and age, her kids name and age and her job was lying to me about absolutely everything else. Did it hurt? You bet. Did it make it all better? Not at all. However it did give me a smack in the face of reality as to who I was really dealing with. It also gave me the opportunity to fill in soo many blanks about things in the relationship that just didn't seem to add up.

As far as you asking "it's not normal right?". Absolutely, normal people DO NOT express that kind of care/love/affection and then up and leave. To give you an example of just that very thing I want to share with you what my ex did to me in regards to that topic.

It was late November, Christmas was just around the corner and I was so excited. I have no family and finally for the first time in my adult life I wouldn't be alone on Christmas Day. I was at work and we were texting back and forth as we usually did. Christmas came up and once again I brought up how excited I was to be spending it with her and her girls, how special it was going to be to share the day with a loving family and how incredibly much it was going to mean to me. Here is word for word her reply to that text:

"Aww babe ur not just sharing it with a loving family u've become part of this loving family. The girls love my boyfriend so much they want you as their father and I've found... . finally, the one and only for me. Nothing will ever be the same as life as u knew it. We are a unit and together forever we'll enjoy every part of this life. This Christmas is so special for us too. To finally find our guy and to have him for our first Christmas together!"

Like I said, that was late November... . Saturday November 24th to be exact. Two days later, the following Monday (the 26th) I was in a hotel... . Also note that this was 26 days after moving in with her. In doing so, selling, giving away or throwing away everything that I had with the exception of my car, my tv and my clothes. So not only was I homeless and in a hotel 2 days after that beautiful text, I literally had NOTHING to my name. Even 8 months out the memories of that time still haunts me.  I have not heard a single thing from her since, not a peep.

You are not alone my friend, you are not alone.

[nolisan]

In one of the responses I read the word "hypocrisy" - it sent a chill down my spine recalling my exBPD's words and behaviors.

She "gaslighted" me so well that I actually believed a lot of stuff she said. She bragged about a lot of her personal qualities but would then do something exactly opposite.

One thing she always put on me was that "actions speak louder than words" like it was something I was lacking in. In fact she rarely followed through on promises.

It was all completely crazy making - I questioned my reality.

[Jhensohn]

Dear all,

Thank you so much. During these past couple of days I've learned that my exBPD has been emailing professional contacts of mine, warning them about me and also forwarding sweet emails I've written her in the past (I guess in an effort to damage me).

In a strange way, this is very helpful to me. Although it may damage me professionally, it is finally starting to open my eyes to who this person really is. For the first time in a long time, I feel absolutely no desire to email her or to book a flight and go visit her. I feel a glimpse of freedom. This may change tomorrow, but it is how I feel now and it feels great. It makes me almost wish for her to write some more of my contacts... .

My therapist said during my last session that she was like a toxin, and that it could be a disaster if I continue to write her. It turns out she was right... .

[Elpis]

Yikes. As painful as some of those "learning experiences" are, well, I guess we learn. Sorry it's in such a rough way, but i'm glad there was some enlightenment for you in it!

Somebody on another post just said she keeps a list of things of the BPD ex to remind herself when she starts doubting her decision. Sounds like a pretty good idea to me. And you have something to put on that list.