How to let go?

[Emelie Emelie]

Via text.  I'd been drinking.  It didn't go well.  I'm beyond embarrassed.  I NEED to let go.  I need to get a grip on my emotions.  Stop crying.  Start functioning again.  I just don't know how.

[Emelie Emelie]

Meant to say I contacted him via text.

[eniale]

Very sorry you are suffering.  Brings back memories.  Best advice I can give:  get it all out, I started by writing furiously.  Did that until I could see a therapist.  If you can't afford a therapist, most counties have a Family Service Assoc. that has sliding scale.  Will also see singles I'm sure.  This is very, very serious stuff.  A BPD person can do a terrible number on your head/emotions and you need to first and foremost take care of yourself.  Sorry to say, no way to escape initial pain/agony, but from experience, it does get better.  Hard to hear now, but first 2 months the hardest, then slowly it starts to ease, you won't obsess, think of him constantly.  After 23-4 months of no contact, and therapy, you will start to feel much, much better.  No contact is essential.  For me, it's been 6 months.  Never thought he would contact me, but he did, after 4 mos.  We had about 10 brief emails back & forth.  Only did it because there were some things I needed to get off chest.  Therapist advised only very brief emails at first.  Followed her advice, then let him have it with both barrels.  Have not heard from him since & didn't expect to; but therapist & friend who has experience says he will probably try to recycle in another 4 months.  If this happens to you, hope you don't let him take you down from the shelf when things are not going well for him and let him use you again.  Remember, ever and always:  it is ALWAYS about THEM, NEVER about you!  Good luck!  You will find others on here who care about you and what you are going through.  Keep your chin up!

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Aniale.  I needed to talk with someone tonight.  I am writing.  Started seeing a therapist two weeks ago.  (Stupid expensive but don't think I can afford not to.)  I've clearly got abandonment issues of my own.  It's only been a few weeks.  Mine dumped me.  Well... . orchestrated the break up anyway.  I don't think he will "come back".  I've heard enough about his relationship history to know that.  I feel like such an a$$.  For continuing to contact him.  Coming across as pathetic and needy.  When I texted him last night he replied "sorry... . wrong person".  I can't even type that without bawling.  I am obsessing and I can't seem to stop.  I hate myself for acting this way.  I think I miss the relationship... . the companionship as much as anything.  But even if he did come back I would never go back.  This relationship has been the single most painful experience of my life.

[Newton]

Em Em ... . (do you mind that abbreviation?... . it's a habit of mine  )... .

I'm so glad to read you are seeing a therapist... . it will make a world of difference. "don't think I can afford not to"... . what an insightful sentence this is! 

Exploring why we miss something (someone) who is so damaging and toxic to us is our key to recovery.  Try not to be so hard on yourself... . I went back for more abuse... . many here have... .

Keep posting... . I know the pain can be overwhelming and consuming at times... . they are just feelings... . they come and go like waves rushing up a beach.

[Emelie Emelie]

Newton - I like Em Em     Because it wasn't all bad... . you know?  It was good for the most part and really wonderful some of the time.  And I miss that so much.  I know he's not capable of a healthy relationship.  And I want a healthy relationship.  And I need to stop obsessing about him.  Definitely stop contacting him.  I want to just be an adult you know?  Do my mourning and deal with my feelings privately and go on with my life.  I tell myself take it an hour at a time.  Just get yourself together and do what you need to do for the next hour.  Just let it go for an hour.  And I just can't seem to accomplish that.  And that makes me feel crazy.  I'm just a sobbing mess.  Thanks Newton.  Helps to talk to someone who understands.

[papawapa]

Time will help. It has been almost nine weeks for me. The first month I couldn't eat and wasn't sleeping for more than three or four hours at a time. I cried everyday for the first few weeks. It all was completely overwhelming. I thought it would never get better. It has.

I am coming up on two weeks of NC. It was very hard for in the beginning. I was stuck in the bargaining stage, trying everything to get her to talk to me and come back. I was flipping back and forth between feeling like I needed her back to survive to wanting to have nothing to do with her. It takes time for your heart to catch up to your mind. In your head you know it is best to move on, but your heart is pulling you in the other direction. I still have some of the waffling back and forth going on. My emotions still come in waves. Sometimes I still cry. But as time passes it gets better. Hang in there.

As far as letting go, prayer has helped me. I feel fortunate that I used to be a very spiritual person and by returning to my spiritual beliefs and practices I have found relief through prayer. Last night I was at a ceremony and heard some good things that really helped me. We cannot live in the past, pining for their return and hoping for the good times to come back does us no good. Our future is in God's hands. He has a plan for us. We cannot realize that future until we let go and accept the past as being something that needs to stay in the past.

We cannot help them; we cannot make them change. It is up to them to help themselves. As caretakers, letting go of wanting to "fix" them is the hardest part for us. Accepting this is the key to moving forward with our own lives. We have been tempered in the fire of pain and hurt. We had to experience these dysfunctional relationships so we can learn about ourselves and grow as individuals. If we had not gone through the living hell a pwBPD has put us through we would never have learned what is important to us, how to have a healthy relationship. Once we let go and move on, get ourselves healthy, we will be rewarded with the ability to have real love. Someone will come into our lives at some future point that will be capable of sharing our love and care with us. You will find a real partner and be truly happy. That is our reward for having been through what we have experienced.

[eniale]

Any breakup is painful.  But when you are Trauma Bonded to a person it can be agony.  It would be helpful to research Trauma Bonding, sometimes also referred to as Stockholm Syndrome.  Because I also experienced wonderful times with my ex, and knew he could without warning "turn on a dime" I was very careful to not saying anything that would break the spell, if things were good.  I lost my spontaneous nature.  I just thought he was difficult.  Didn't know he most likely has BPD (don't know if ever diagnosed, my therapist told me to research it after I told her I was always "walking on eggshells" and that he seemed to have both fear of abandonment AND fear of emotional intimacy.  Read book.  He hit all the marks.)  But the thing about Trauma Bonding/Stockholm syndrome is that I never realized that I was actually living in fear.  I didn't want our good times to end and was always fearful that I could say/do something that would set him off.  What a horrible way to spend a whole year of my life.  And that created the Trauma Bond.  Similar to PTSD.  Breakup was worst emotional pain of my life.  But I survived it and you can, too!  You need support of therapist, friends, and anyone on this board who can help you.  Don't think you can't do it, you can, although I will not lie & say it is easy... . the first few months are extremely difficult.  You will find yourself thinking of your ex ALL the time; but from experience I can tell you that it WILL get better.  Having more contact with him will only rip the scab off the wound and you will bleed so more.  These people can hurt more than anything in the world.  Continue with therapy, writing out your thoughts, seeking support of friends.  Good luck!

[Ittookthislong]

Emelie Emelie- Please dont feel pathetioc or stupid, cuz then id have to too, because i did the same thing yesterday. haha its hard to resist, i know it isnt funny in fact i got tears reading this. i feel for you. same same. funny how i feel stupid when i do it, like, certifiably insande, need a shrink, b ut when i see it written here by someone else, (you), it actually breaks my heart a bit and i wish i could help.

2 months after i was a disaster. i didnt change my clothes, or sleep, i was all alone so i couldnt handle the urdge to text and try to fix it, which was always met with three word responses that felt like a punch in my gut. I even put my phone in a package and sent it to myself several times so that for at least 3 days i couldnt text him. eventually i went NC and it was so hard but so good for me. everyone is right about that for sure.

but get this-i feel stupid now because its been a year nc, and i ruined all progress yesterday. he apolagized then our conversation dwindled into me telling him i missed him, no response, me feeling my attachment issues, lashing out and him telling me that hes changing his number and hopes i find peace.

i was doing well, those first months were hard, but dont make the mistake i made. This set me back so far. i feel like the breakup happenned yesterday and hes back to the upper hand, and im questioning my sanity. at least i know that i will never be strong enough for contact with this person because it feels like he can destroy me within a few texts.

NC was so good. I got my pride back, i felt myself more detached like it was a bad dream and not real. this time i did it to myself, because i missed him randomly and thought it might be different. it wasnt. if you do nc, and start to feel good, try to stick with it no matter how tough. im back to crippling self doubt, wondering if im crazy, guilt for lashing out, starting back from zero.

as for his response: "wrong person"... . thats messed up. its amazing how that response, as well as mines responses and im assuming others is cold short, to the point and can have the impact of an emotional atom bomb. its a gift. when i get mad i explain myself nine different ways, and backpeddle and say sorry... . they are so cold, concise. its alien. I just imagined mine saying "sorry... . wrong person" and i get it. that hurt bad for you.

let me share, and hopefully you will feel better the plethera of bombs my ex dropped on me that sent me into meltdown... . your not alone. lets see (keep in mind some of these were like, what is this guy talking about for ex. saying i depend on him when i paid all our bills, then bent over backwards so he felt i wasnt demasculating him by complimenting him constantly and trying not to outshine him in any way)

so there was this one:

       "The best love is tough love, figure it out"

this one felt great too after  a year long relationship after living together:

        "we had fun... . move on"

of course there was the annoying condescending remarks:

       "we're on different paths now" --- after he finally got a job and was done leeching off me, "your a grown woman, your strong somewhere inside i know it, you can do this", "take a deep breath and look at the blue sky" - seriously, what the heck does that mean?

mY personal favorite, which he must have realized because he said it more than once:

        "your not going to get in the way of my dreams" ---easily the most hurtful thing i ever heard and in the context of our relationship where i did   Way too much FOR him, this just made no sense at all. none.

But oddly enough, the simplest response was the one that hurt the most "move on, im not the one" was like a dagger. your ex reminded me of tht one. eeesh. I hope you wont let him mess with your sanity like i did. a year later, after i got better, i went back just to get more abuse. it isnt worth it. i went back because after he was so cold and i swore id never hear from him again, mutual friends started relating info, i started getting call hang ups, facebook invites from random made up accounts, loggin attempts on my accounts flagged, and something told me it was him, he was sorry but didnt know how to say it, so i contacted him, he was nice at first and said thinking about what he has done to me made his heart drop-----never in a million years did i think a year later he would say that. but it wasnt long before there was a shift and i could sense it, and he went from the sweet tone to kind of knowing i was in his grip to doing the same stuff. it feels like he subtly pulled me in just to cut me off again, but who knows. all i know is either way- wasnt worth it.

that being said- dont feel bad. im trying, for today to at least laugh at myself about it, take the power out of it a little. seems this guy/gal/your ex has a hold on your emotions, just like mine did/does, and if i laugh at myself for being pathetic it helps a tiny bit. but if you cant do that yet thats ok too. i think in your shoes you deserve all the freedom in the world to act as pathetic as you want, just please dont let yourself feel bad about it, that breaks my heart to see that written here.



   

[Ittookthislong]

sorry that post was a bit long... . when i get on a roll... .

[eniale]

This is for Itooksolong --

Very sorry about what happened yesterday.  Yes, a mistake.  It will set you back, but not as far back as you were in the beginning.

You have learned a valuable lessons, pwBPD do NOT change, unless, by some miracle, they realize they have serious problem & get counseling.  Most never do this, some start and quit.  I bet success rate is very low.

Sadly, by contacting him you let him get to hurt you more.  He sounds plain cruel.  Think of him as TOXIC, bad for your health!  You might even repeat this as a mantra:  "(Name) is toxic for me, dangerous to my well being."  And he IS.  Too bad you had to learn it the hard way.  12 months NC was excellent, and you can do it again... . and then, just keep on going.  I intend to never contact my ex, ever.  He made contact after 4 mos. & I responded briefly and he hurt me more.  And that was HIM making the initial contact.  If yours ever does this, my advice is do not respond.  They can be really into the hurt.  Avoid, avoid, avoid him at all costs.  You will find a new, happy life and look back on this as a real learning experience.  Above all, don't keep beating yourself on, just concentrate on moving forward again.  You did it before and you will do it again. You deserve better than this.  He is right; he is not the right person for you!  They actually think differently than normals do.  He will N E V E R bring you the happiness you deserve.

[dangoldfool]

Sending loving prayers your way  Em Em. Like everyone mentioned, stop contact. I know you would like to figure it all out about why did this happen like this. We all want answers to those Questions. I never expect an accurate answer. Just get yourself focused on you. I started walking and cutting out junk food to  loose a few lbs. Do things for yourself. Start writing if that helps you. Just like everybody who posted on here. The pain rips your heart out and drags it down the street. You just pray that it stops. It will, it just take time, and it will go by faster. if you end the contact and move forward. Stop looking back. IMO Peace and love Em Em     

[tailspin]

Em  

It sounds as if you are ready to turn the page and begin the next chapter of your life.  This can be a really scary thing to do; it really scared me too.  But mostly I was afraid that I couldn't go on without him and I didn't know what to do or how to do it; my heart and head were full of despair.  So let me tell you a secret.  Everything good you saw in him... . came from you.  

Everything you saw in him that was wonderful and beautiful was because you are wonderful and beautiful.  He mirrored you, and for a moment in time, he was graced and blessed by your presence.  You made his life better just by being in it, but now it's time to move on and find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.  You were a ray of sunshine in his life and now it's time to turn that light upon yourself.

I really look forward to seeing you grow.    

tailspin

[Jhensohn]

Dear Emelie,

Oh, I just wanted to write that I can so understand what you are going through. I feel I'm just in the beginning of all of this, so I don't really have any good advice for you. I think all I can say is how much I understand your pain. I send you a big hug.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you all so much.  It's funny because the only thing that makes me cry more than thinking about him is when someone is kind to me. 

The texting thing is BAD BAD BAD.  There have been more.  All initiated by me.  His responses always make me feel worse so I respond like a pathetic clinging mess and THEN I try to redeem myself a few days later and... . repeat. 

I'm still a mess and a half but I am starting to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm realizing that while I do miss him I'm also really missing the relationship and the companionship.  I'm lonely.  I'm 50 years old and don't have single friends to hang out with.  It was nice to be part of a couple again.  To have someone to do things with.  Hang out with.  Go to "couple" things with.  The last few months with him weren't that great.  I kept telling myself I needed to get out of this but I was afraid of being alone again.  So while I am still missing him a great deal it helps to remind myself that he's not the only thing I am missing.  I am scared of being alone.  I'm scared of not meeting someone else.  That's a whole separate issue. 

[eniale]

Emelie -- you definitely need single friends to hang out with.  My friends were my lifesavers after my ex cheated on me.  I was widowed 8 years ago, and, just as they say, all my married friends disappeared; guess they are threatened by a single woman.  So I made new friends.  Trying to think how I did that; one was receptionist at desk of facility my husband was in.  Another I met years ago when she & I worked in same office.  She was divorced, I was married, but my husband & I always included single people in our parties, etc. (unusual).  So, next task is:  where do we find you some single friends?  You might try joining a singles group (not online dating service) there are many where I live, hopefully where you live.  But instead of focusing on meeting a man, you may meet some compatible single women.  Also, if you are in therapy, ask your therapist for ideas.  Or you might volunteer for something you have an interest in, and meet single women there.  I know what loneliness is, and you definitely need caring friends in your life.  Anyone would be lonely without the support of friends.  Where I live there is actually an organization called Single Volunteers.  Parents Without Partners (are they still even around) used to sponsor discussions, many years ago I met two good friends through those groups.  That was after a divorce & before my remarriage.  These 2 women never remarried but were lifelong friends until their untimely passing.  So try to concentrate on that; and ask your therapist for suggestions.  Meanwhile, keep coming to this site, I did in the beginning & it was helpful.  Others do care.  Good luck!