BPD apology translator

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Very strange how anything my ex says hits me about a week later like a timebomb.

after over a year no contact, and a pretty brutal breakup i got an apology. ANYBODY else used his exact wording, I would take it at face value and feel setlled. the apology felt good, it felt like closure at first but i week later im catching myself thinking about him again, more than I have in a long long time, and also more and more confused about which one of us is disordered, if either of us are at all.

heres the apology via text:

"I havnt contacted you for all this time because I thought you wouldnt want to talk to me. I feel really badly. When I think about the things Ive done and how I have made you feel my heart drops. I really hope you can find a way to be happy with your life"

sounds genuine, and nice right... . I felt a lot of peace afterwards, like a huge weight had been lifted. I responded by (validating) saying It took a lot of courage to send that and i respect him for that, and that I am fine. and i am happy, and i meant it... .

, then like a week later I caught myself disecting every word. obsessing over whether ive been wrong about him, and i really dont know what to think or how to feel.

[Ittookthislong]

Very strange how anything my ex says hits me about a week later like a timebomb.

after over a year no contact, and a pretty brutal breakup i got an apology. ANYBODY else used his exact wording, I would take it at face value and feel setlled. the apology felt good, it felt like closure at first but i week later im catching myself thinking about him again, more than I have in a long long time, and also more and more confused about which one of us is disordered, if either of us are at all.

heres the apology via text:

"I havnt contacted you for all this time because I thought you wouldnt want to talk to me. I feel really badly. When I think about the things Ive done and how I have made you feel my heart drops. I really hope you can find a way to be happy with your life"

sounds genuine, and nice right... . I felt a lot of peace afterwards, like a huge weight had been lifted. I responded by (validating) saying It took a lot of courage to send that and i respect him for that, and that I am fine. and i am happy, and i meant it... .

, then like a week later I caught myself disecting every word. obsessing over whether ive been wrong about him, and i really dont know what to think or how to feel.

[Clearmind]

If this does not do it for you - what do you need? And why do you think you ruminate a week later?

You are no longer a trigger to your partner... .

[Ittookthislong]

Im not certain i understand what you mean

[Clearmind]

Ittookthislong, it may feel like the apology is a slap in the face... . I'm not sure either.

However what I do know is that when we fully detach - we simply don't care about things like this. Are you working towards detaching? Seeing your role? Seeing a therapist? Doing some soul searching?

[Ittookthislong]

dont have money for a therapist and i dont have many friends. my family wont let me talk about it. im on this board, im constantly soul searching, im excercizing to get out of deppressing circular thinking.

nevermind- your a moderator right, can you just delete my question

[Clearmind]

Sometimes we believe that BPD apologies are empty -  that they don't actually mean it. BPD is a shame based disorder and therefore have a hard time if someone harbors bad feelings about them. Your ex may have apologized to relinquish her own feelings of shame and guilt for what she did. Is it genuine - probably yes!

It hurts Ittookthislong - sharing your feelings is good - keep posting - ruminating is common - we can find ways to ease our thoughts. There is a great website www.dbtselfhelp.com with some great tools. There is also a great workbook that I myself have worked through: www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131.

Be mindful that DBT skills are not just for Borderlines so I'm not suggesting you are my friend - they are good skills for everyone to have.

It gets better - takes some work.

[Ittookthislong]

i think maybe that i have no reason to be angry at him anymore i just realize i still miss him. alot.

[leftbehind]

I miss mine too, ittookthislong.  I understand how you feel.  Give yourself some time to return to a state of peace about this. 

[Trick1004]

Here's my take on the email you received.

I don't feel like it is much of an apology at all (but might be the best you're going to get). My first take reading the email was how every sentence began with "I". I read it and all I see is it about him and how he feels bad about what happened but nothing in there does much to validate your own feelings.

I've received a few of these since my ex left and I have been deleting them and not responding, nothing in them is about my feelings but is all about her feelings (sound familiar?). To me they feel like the ex is checking in to see if you've forgiven their actions and behavior so they can feel better about themselves without ever truly examining their role and how hurtful their behavior was.

To me an apology is something deeper along the lines of "you did so much more for me in the r/s and I thank you for that". Something that validates my effort and emotions. I don't see it in the email you received. Anything else to me is just a means for them to dismiss their actions knowing that they are forgiven.

Again, just my take and hope you're doing well.

[WXYZ]

"I havnt contacted you for all this time because I thought you wouldnt want to talk to me. I feel really badly. When I think about the things Ive done and how I have made you feel my heart drops. I really hope you can find a way to be happy with your life"

There’s one glaring omission which speaks to contrition – there is no promise that this will never happen

again and there is no indication that BPD is determined to change their ways. Until they can admit that

to themselves (and to you) they are not taking full responsibility for their behaviour.

[Clearmind]

i think maybe that i have no reason to be angry at him anymore i just realize i still miss him. alot.

Completely understandable!

Once we separate we can only accept that we need to find our own closure. If we wait for our ex's to do that for us we will be attached for a very long time. What happened with her is not your fault - she has an illness which will and does dictate her actions - BPD is an emotional disorder and she will never see it like you do.

In her apology she has not shifted blame, she has not requested forgiveness (which a true apology does not ask for), it focusses on her and not on you, doesn't include the word 'but' and it probably is sincere.

What we don't want to recognize is that it could very well be a sincere apology because we (me) was (were) so hell bent on maintaining the ideal that they were to blame. By not accepting the apology, regardless if it was well intended or not (we put our own bias on that) - we are continuing to blame shift and may not begin to see our role.

Ittookthislong, your response was very thoughtful and I commend you on taking it graciously - what you may need to focus on is your need to continue being angry or [insert emotion here] with your ex - being angry or otherwise is healthy however it can also hold us back from moving forward. If you are angry and hurt, it does not change how your ex will be. She is none the wiser - be kind to you and process these emotions because these feelings don't have anything to do with your ex... .

I read somewhere once that not accepting an apology can cause an inertia trap - how we think about a situation, how we decide to hang onto hurt/pain can be our own worst enemy. It can be hard to forgive... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I too got an apology email after a long time NC, and by then I had learned a lot about BPD, which made the email very transparent.

First of all I saw the apology as an attempt to soothe; the shame-based core of the disorder was obvious, she hurt me, she knows it.  She then went on to say she 'loves me as a friend' but the 'physical/romantic part' just wasn't there for her, which wasn't true, but believing that allowed her to assuage her feelings of guilt toward her actions that she labelled 'ugly', showing some self-awareness, and relieving her of responsibility, since hey, she just wasn't into it.  Uh huh.

And as clearmind said, it had been so long that I was no longer triggering her, so the apology came from a somewhat level-headed place, and I took it as sincere.  I was proud of myself for realizing that that was the woman I fell in love with, the non-triggered one, and letting myself find that attractive would be futile, since it wouldn't take long for me to trigger her again, and off to the BPD races we'd go.  So in the end I had a pretty much 'whatever' attitude towards it, which tells me I've done well at detaching, and I wish her well, somewhere very far from me.

[Ittookthislong]

i read somewhere about a term called "counter borderline" and that seems to be whats happening here for me... . or ive got BPD and cant accept it. i keep teetering between the two.

this apology was short lived. i tried to continue conversation like old times and brought up movies etc, and said that i missed him sometimes... . oops

his response "I miss you too but that doesnt mean i want a relationship with you again" which was infuriating because thats not what i meant. i meant i issed him as a person, a friend even. then he starts talking about how he remembered how good i smelled. then says "I feel like a dick for hurting you , but im just lost" then "i ask why? if hes ok... . tell him  hes talented he doesnt need to worry hes got a bright future- no response. just drops off entirely, doesnt answer me at all.

on the one hand i know he doesnt owe me a response. nobody owes anybody a response. So im not entitled to it, on the other i cant fathom sparking someones compassion or pity just to drop out of the conversation.  it feels manipulative. but God forbid i say that it feels manipulative.

i let it get under my skin so much. i swear either he knows exactly how to make me feel crazy or I am crazy.  I get no response for like 4 hours and im so mad because it seemed like there was a normal conversation about to happen, i say something like "I just want to talk im not trying to start anything i just miss you sometimes." no response, so i say "I feel like your toying with me, i hate that you do this, i hope this isnt on purpose" finally he responds:

"there will be no further contact, im changing my number and i hope you find peace and realize im not important enough to still be thingking about"


I feel like im in a terrible dream. Like either im toyed with or im getting all the signs that i am BPD and need help.

Im gonna try the DBT. I dont know why i didnt leave well enough alone. I feel really stupid. And he talks as though he is taking the high road and im trying to justve an open conversation. Why does this make me so angry. why does this consume me?

I know hes not good for me, and i feel like a drug addict though. Im ok for the most part then sometimes out of nowhere the idea that i cant or wont see him again hurts and i just want to make things normal.

I know I know I messed up. I felt lonely maybe. I just hope that If it is me I can handle the shock of knowing im disordered and follow through with fixing myself. It would really really suck to know that all the pain and anger i feel being attached to this person is 100% in my own head and heart and im the one messing with his head- which is how it ALWAYS appears.

Thank you for your responses, and I am just venting a little here but I am going to go excercize and try to dettach, maybe buy some meditation cds. I dont want this feeling, or this power over me i really dont. theres so many people in the world its so bizarre to be consumed with one who thinks your nuts. thanks again everyone, i gotta go try to undo this setback of my own making.

[Xtrange]

i read somewhere about a term called "counter borderline" and that seems to be whats happening here for me... . or ive got BPD and cant accept it. i keep teetering between the two.

For the counter-borderline issue read:

A little more info here:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200804/perspectives-the-counter-borderline-relationship

And Randi Kreger's response here:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201003/ways-categorize-partners-bps

GCD145

Specially Randi Kreger's response

[Willingtolearn]

It is interesting that you use the word "Translator" I wasn't sure if this was an apology. I text my exBPDgf by mistake after being NC for 12 months. I had the phone unlocked in my pocket and her number was still in the phone.  I sent a text with just a series of letter m's (as i said the phone was unlocked in my pocket)  About 2 hours later i got a reply from my exBPDgf.  The reply was "So sorry. Who is this?

I have wondered if the so sorry part of her text was because she  was actually saying sorry for her past behaviour  or was she saying sorry because she didn't know who had sent the text. Any ideas?

[Ittookthislong]

so sorry for not knowing who it was

[Suzn]

i read somewhere about a term called "counter borderline" and that seems to be whats happening here for me... . or ive got BPD and cant accept it. i keep teetering between the two.

I think it would be fair to say that most of us have considered the possibility that we were BPD. Before you self diagnose speak with a professional.

his response "I miss you too but that doesnt mean i want a relationship with you again" which was infuriating because thats not what i meant. i meant i issed him as a person, a friend even. then he starts talking about how he remembered how good i smelled. then says "I feel like a dick for hurting you , but im just lost" then "i ask why? if hes ok... . tell him  hes talented he doesnt need to worry hes got a bright future- no response. just drops off entirely, doesnt answer me at all.

Maybe, just maybe, he realized he crossed a line here.

it feels manipulative. but God forbid i say that it feels manipulative.

Well saying this to him probably wouldn't have gone over well, I'd say you're correct. Trust your gut.

i let it get under my skin so much. i swear either he knows exactly how to make me feel crazy or I am crazy.  I get no response for like 4 hours and im so mad because it seemed like there was a normal conversation about to happen, i say something like "I just want to talk im not trying to start anything i just miss you sometimes." no response, so i say "I feel like your toying with me, i hate that you do this, i hope this isnt on purpose"

I think you may be on to something with this relationship being akin to an addiction. He seems to have triggered you with this contact, what do you think?

realize im not important enough to still be thingking about"

Remember that gut feeling you had earlier?

Im ok for the most part then sometimes out of nowhere the idea that i cant or wont see him again hurts and i just want to make things normal.

You are still grieving. Recovery takes time and you seem to be working through it. Keep up the good work!

DBT is fantastic for anyone, nothing wrong with using this therapy to help you through.

I am just venting a little here but I am going to go excercize and try to dettach, maybe buy some meditation cds. I dont want this feeling, or this power over me i really dont.

Venting to your support group, exercising, getting out, working with meditation cds = healthy coping skills. 

[Ittookthislong]

suzn,

realize im not important enough to still be thingking about"

Remember that gut feeling you had earlier?

to which gut feeling are you referring?

you are right it is a total addiction. My heart has been burning all day and night. that special tingly ptsd feeling. i remembver just how bad this really is. so much sympathy for those this has just happenned to. i SWORE to myself no matter what happens i cant let myself get this feeling again. this is like touching a stove, i need to remember this lesson. and of course the whole "im not important enough to still be thinking about" line... . who says that?

nothing, and i mean NOTHING hurts like this guy does.

ironically, i see a lot of people talking about the intensity of the relationship, etc. i have made some bad dating choices (trying to find the reason for that), but this wasnt like that. i had my guard up and finally let it down because it wasnt intensity and passion i felt it was comfort. totally at ease like my best friend i felt soothed next to him, so i thought it was my first healthy love. ugh. im not going to be able to date for several years. Id say he would be the human equivalent of xanax or something- so you can only imagine how this addiction is. panick attacks, ruminating, im jumpy, anxious, cant sleep or focus. im not on xanax but come to think of it maybe that would help ahah.

thank you all for responding

[Suzn]

it feels manipulative.

^ This gut feeling ^

i had my guard up and finally let it down because it wasnt intensity and passion i felt it was comfort. totally at ease like my best friend i felt soothed next to him, so i thought it was my first healthy love. ugh. im not going to be able to date for several years. Id say he would be the human equivalent of xanax or something.

Comfort for/from what? What was it that you needed comfort from him for? 

[Ittookthislong]

thats kind of how i got into this mess, i got kicked out of a really competitive university program, just didnt make the cut. I think I was very confused about what i was going to do next, maybe didnt want to think about it... . at the time this person had been my close friend for a while and this is when he turned up the heat. in retrospect its pretty clear, and i know not to make decisions when im not completely settled. i wont go through this again, my heart cant take it.

he just made me laugh, put me at ease, everything seemed like it would work out, and seemed like a good time to let the issue drop for a while and smile. he was a bit clingy at first. Im the youngest child and not used to being looked up to or admired, but he did, it was almost too much but i think i ate it up cuz i just got kicked out of school so it felt kind of good. i must have been under some kind of spell because i ended up getting a rental for a few months over the summer and paid for everything, assuming wed reciprocate, we always had but obviously not this much $ but i really wasnt worried. it was codependent relationship dynamic in that we worked pretty smoothly together. no fights, a lot of fun.

then after the summer was over, and we moved out of the place he just stopped calling and so forth and i asked if he could call me a little more, i had started a new job, in my own new place and so wanted to hear a familiar voice. he got a new job too. very promising one, im leaving out alot of the progression but i was just in complete shock when his reasons for breaking up via text were that i was bringing him down, he wasnt going to let me get in the way of his dreams, i asked if he could pay me back if he was goibng to just dump me, and those comments were so hurtful to me "your money is your problem", "the best love is tough love figure it out" course he sprinkled a few "your too good for me", "im not good enough" " - all so confusing that he had no idea how that would throw me off, i didnt push or say anything mean because i thought a week would go by and he'd be normal again and explain that. nope. if i tried to talk to him he'd tell me to pull it together. He was a few years younger, and i told him i wasnt sure i was comfortable with the age but he reassured me, said it didnt matter. well aqt this point at the end im asking why wont he just try to talk to me... . and he says... . and i love this quote "Becuase I dont have to... . Im young"

i felt so humiliated i just turtled. he shocked me so intensly at the end that id actually get physically ill and couldnt hold food down for a few days at first. just stayed in my apt, didnt go out and meet people, so depressed. i tried staying away from social networks, but once i broke down and googled him and saw him on a bisexual male meetup group.  found out through mutual friends he cheated on me 2 times. then mutual friends just stopped talking to me like i was blacklisted. i still cant bring myself to talk to any mutual aquantences(different town). Not because I did anything wrong (initially) but im just so confused, like what the heck happenned, did i sleepwalk and do something terrible to this person because this doesnt make sense. Then- and this is the part im struggling with... . i LOST it.  I never in my life gone on a verbal assualt like this is my life, it felt like i was possessed. like i was so confused, and hurt and probably some issues from growing up, and the fact that these quotes he said woud like be on repeat in my head all day, over and over and they were so MEAN, and gave NOreguard to how i felt ATALL, and made NO sense because i did ALOT for this person without really noticing, like i was having fun so i didnt think of how stupid i was b eing, and he certainly didnt stop me. but the second the bill was paid he told me i did it to control him- im starting to 2nd guess that he was right so i say sorry.  so different than the person i thought he was though.

The things i said were so horrendous that i cant even repeat them on this forum but im not proud of it. i still have no idea what the proper response would be in that scenario, and i second guessed myself so much that i felt like an abuser. which of course makes him go from the back and forth push pull, to completely cocky and justified.

single most humbling and painful experience ever. It was like not only was i new in this job etc, but i was now proccessing this shock of getting kicked out of school and not knowing where i was going next- so him saying all that i bring him down stuff was like cruel. unreal. I dont want to sound like a victim, I have moved around alone a lot, and im pretty independent, so im not scared of being alone but at this time my mom was in the hospital too, and all this stuff at once was like too much, and his lack of support/ withdraw at the complete worst time ever was giving me panick attacks etc. I know I did the moving thing to myself, and obviously getting kicked out of school was my doing- but not for lack of effort. But I still to this day have no idea whether it was right for me to expect him to support me, I certainly never in a million years saw him saying "you cant depend on me for your hapiness and stonewalling me i even begged. nothing. i just lost every inhibition i ever had and turned into a 5ft tall incredible hulk.

and now that i let contact hapopen its like hes in my head again and i 2nd guess myself and think im an abuser or something, and i was subconsciously using money to control him. Im so confused about what i did that was wrong and i feel horrified to think its like the end of the sixth sense where, its a suprise, but this way its about seeing mean people, but come to find out IM THE MEAN PEOPLE! The guilt just sucks the wind out of my sails whatever im doing. So the apology was nice, even though its not good to depend on him to ease me, but it did, until that line about how hes not good enough to still be thinking about him. He has no grasp on HOW hurtful he was, I mean NONE. so I cant make him see it. Im just burnt out today from doing myself the disservice of rehashing all this, but i just hoped he had seen things my way.

but now my number is blocked again, and oddly enough that puts me at ease.

pardon all the quotes... . Im working on forgetting them, i think they have become like the most repeated thing in my brain and i gotta never even say them again... . after this post i mean. Ive been looking up DBT and affirmations all day to stick all over my place. even if its silly.

whew that felt good. i kinda have isolated myself for awhile lately and im not comfortable talking to friends about this so this site is great for venting. thanks to any who read that )

[Ittookthislong]

ps- he sounds really cold and cruel, and he was, but things confuse me too like one time i got sick of the texts and just called and he was sobbing, saying -you dont understand i ignore you because i dont want to yell at you- he never did, he was just COLD AS ICE

its was really him making jerky remarks, but i was who lost it in rage at the end

[Suzn]

You entered a relationship at a very vulnerable time for you. This is understandable, many people find comfort in other people. This was traumatic for you, once you realized this relationship wasn't going to be reciprocal and you lashed out. I get it. Do you think there was more to this anger than just him maybe? Maybe residual from your disappointment with the University issue and then your mother being in the hospital? It sounds as though you were under a lot of stress.

I think you are angrier at yourself than you are with him. What do you think? And if so, forgive yourself. You were doing the best you could with the information you had. Think about that. Easier said than done I know.  

Ive been looking up DBT and affirmations all day to stick all over my place. even if its silly.

This is not silly, as a matter of fact it is a healthy route to take. And for what it's worth, you certainly will recover from this contact much sooner than when this all initially took place because today you have healthier ways to cope with this. You know more about behaviors today than you did then. Yours and his.

Did you catch Clearmind's link to DBT for nons?

It also sounds as though you have physical reactions when you stand up for yourself. Is this accurate? If so where do you think this stems from?

[Ittookthislong]

ha. funny you should aski was wondering this recently. this just occurred to me now though. my mom growing up was like mommy dearest. she would have these unpredictable rages that were so scary its hard to even describe to people. i was the only girl amongst brothers and she did it to me the most- seemd like she resented my freedom maybe who knows. but these rages were BAD. we just got used to it though. Some of the things she said i dont even remember and i had a cousin recently tell me she was in the car when was telling me i was disgusting, no wonder the boys at school didnt want me, because i had forgotten something in the house and my cousin said i just shrugged like it was normal. she was also very warm and we i wasnt scared of her as much as i felt bad for her or it provoked anger, but mostly i felt bad for her and wanted to help and knew it was her being sad, not that she believed the things she said.when her and iwere alone shed tell me problems she was having with her friends or with  my dad. it was kind of my role.

the thing though is every so often it would be maddenning., she didnt do it in a normal voice, it was this bizarre pitch i cant even describe. but a couple of times shed be just really beating us up mentally and id defend myself by screaming back. well when we did this shed call my dad whos very strict at work and that was scary! hed come home and make sure we knew never to speak to our mother that way. im sure it has something to do with the ptsd feeling. its that horrid feeling of feeling like your being punished for defending yourself from being punished. like nothing you do is right. there is definitly some of that in all this. the feeling of no matter what i did i was in the wrong. its like being cornered. its aweful. never any hitting or anything, and like i said, back then we just thought it was normal. makes spotting red flags a big difficult at times when your used to manipulative stuff.

scary thing, those cut to the bone remarks i made, no idea where those insults came from... . lashing out at my BPDx, the way i just dug into him, i reminded myself of her, and ive never done that before, and he, being younger or whatever, i just, awe man im crying now haha, i just cant believe i did that to him. i feel terrible about it. Its wierd its like I  am ok with my mom, i love my mom, im not angry anymore, thats life. she apolagized when i was older for it, but how do i know what this did to him? I felt like he was a little kid i was yelling at him just feel so guilty.

wierd how sick of a dynamic it was when you think about it. not that it makes it acceptable, but he did have so many of these BPD qualities, and he did hurt me alot, but(oh my gosh im really crying, this is like a breakthrough!) but i still didnt feel right sticking up for myself against the abuse. i think i learned that from dad remember. :/

[Ittookthislong]

its also another coincidence that i get into bad relationships, but thats where i feel calmest. if a problem comes up i can take care of it. i have tried dating normal men but something feels off. like if there arent a few things to fix i dont even know what to do with myself.

i think im getting to a point where i dont want to do that anymore. ive really held myself back by doing things for other people, im definitly ready to change and see what lifes like if i try it a different way. cuz this ache in my heart is telling me this stuff aint workin

[Ittookthislong]

too much info? haha good thing this is annonymous

[Leaf]

my mom growing up was like mommy dearest. she would have these unpredictable rages that were so scary its hard to even describe to people. i was the only girl amongst brothers and she did it to me the most

Hi Ittookthislong, congratulations on your breakthrough , those are feelings you've kept hidden away for far too long.

And I think it's a good sign that you reacted to your xBF's emotional sadism. It's good not to be a good girl in those circumstances. And you don't have to be perfect, you're allowed to overreact once in a while!

If you want to read some breakthrough-inspiring stuff I would advise "The saber-toothed tiger – The one reason women stay with abusive men" by J. Perrine. It explains why your ex can still get you off balance, why dating normal men doesn't feel right, what your childhood has to do with it and how to heal. I found it extremely helpful.

[Suzn]

too much info? haha good thing this is annonymous

No, not at all.

There is an interesting side effect to getting to know yourself Ittookthislong. That is that when you start doing self examination/awarenss work, and you've just started that, you will begin to notice behaviors in others, healthy and unhealthy.

I would encourage you to see if you can find a therapist to help you identify more about behaviors from your FOO. There are some that work on a sliding scale or you may be able to find a free counselor. (Are you still in school?) My T has been awesome in helping me with this.

As far as your ex, he may have been younger than you however he is grown. It wasn't very mature of him to allow you to pay for everything all summer long and then say "see ya" after the summer was over.

There is no way of knowing why he sent you this message. That really not important. What is important is for you to recognize how this affected you. He is a trigger for you and you for him.

As far as saying you were like your mom here... well, we are our mother's daughters. We were taught coping skills in our FOO so it's no surprise we may cope in similar ways. We've all been here. What is fantastic is that you are using healthy coping methods now and you are working on you. We are all a work in progress, we are not perfect nor will we ever be.

Keep up the good work.  

[Willingtolearn]

so sorry for not knowing who it was

If she was saying So sorry for not knowing who it was that had sent her the text then  why did she put a full stop in her reply?    Her text read  "So Sorry. (Full Stop) Who is this"   Surely he reply would have read "Sorry who is this" if she was asking who had sent her  the text.

This is where the condition of BPD gets so confusing for us Non's You are always having to second guess.

[Ittookthislong]

thanks so much for the words of encouragement.

im gonna run get those books today!

[Ittookthislong]

also, im not in school anymore. after all this happenned i was a mess and couldnt leave my apartment. got a little socially awkward and very insecure. so just to make ends meet i started figuring out a way i could make money and stay at home. I actually started a small from home business, that a year later (now) is what i do for a living.

so funny how things work out. i love my little business! and never would have done it if i werent a mess, and i make more money than i ever have(which isnt alot but its growing). Its interesting how i hadnt let myself really be proud of that either. you can get so consumed with these wounds that you could become president and still be dwelling on the ex. hahah.

im actually feeling pretty good today. hopeful. which is great because i am usually stuck on the past and couldnt feel that hope a whole lot. I genuinly thank you guys for heping me work through this. just taking the time to reada, and comment and ask me questions and work through it was very kind and helpful beyond word.