Waiting for SO to leave

[Rosehip]

My SO has BPD. We've been together 33 years. The last 2 years have been extremely difficult. She's become involved with new interests and new people. I'm the main breadwinner and have been at risk of losing my job. She's refused to be understanding about money. I'm now the boring one who is trying to stop her having fun.

We have had a very high conflict relationship. I had come to believe it was my fault. I really was this awful person she said I was.

I hadn't known about BPD until recently. But knowing has helped me to understand and to not be so hard on myself.

About six weeks ago we were due to go on holiday and a fight happened out of nowhere. She said if I tried to speak that would be the end of us. I thought she had misunderstood what I had said and tried to explain. She went wild and said she'd had enough and we were done. She was going to move out etc.

I was so exhausted at this point that I said ok.  She wanted us to talk about our split on holiday. I said I needed a break and would go on my own.

She was shocked and had obviously thought I would just get upset. She'd rant loudly and I would give in.

I need to say that over these 2 years she's be one addicted to Facebook. She's told me she's had cyber sex with men. She's reconnected with old lovers. She hasn't admitted but I know that she's been meeting up with one secretly and they have have emailing and phoning.

She's told me that she wishes she'd made different decisions in the past before she met me. I said but then we might not have met. She just shrugged.

Anyway, I won't bore you with the details but I have said I will borrow money so she can buy a flat. Over the years she has said she wanted a place of her own. This way she can have this.

She's obviously realising the seriousness of the situation and wants me to give in a bit as she puts it. I asked what she meant and she said we could carry on, I work and pay for everything and I don't get so uptight about her living as she wants. I shouldn't be so controlling. I should let her have her friends.

I've said if we have any chance of being friends (

This was before I read the excellent topics on this site) we needed to separate.

I've tried really hard not to retaliate when she pushes my buttons. She has stayed out a lot and is hardly here but she hasn't found a suitable flat yet.

I'm tempted to give up everything and move out myself but it's hard to lies everything.

I've just realised how much of my life has been spent walking in eggshells. I haven't built up a friendship group outside our relationship. It's all so hard.

She says she will go and I know it is a big thing and I'm trying to be patient. But I want this to be over now so I an move forward.

I am seeing a therapist who has been wonderful. I've been low for so long that I'm totally drained.

It has helped reading the posts. I haven't felt so alone in this situation.

It's been hard deciding which board to post on. I have decided to leave but we are still in the same house at the moment.

[dangoldfool]

Sorry for all the pain you are dealing with. The sooner you can get her to leave or yourself out. The less stress you will have. Keep reading and learning on here. Knowledge from here has helped me alot. Keep moving forward my friend. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel. Peace to you.       

[MatOfTheDoor]

Man, Rosehip your definitely not alone. I'm going through the same type situation with my borderline wife. All very similar stuff, facebook affairs, wife always asking for money, the need for her space (loves me but can't live with me), I'm too "controlling" yet she goes & does whatever she feels like. The bottom line is these borderline women don't respect or love us in a mature adult manner. Now when you realize you are dealing with an immature child who doesn't know who she is everything makes more sense. It will always be about her needs/wants & never yours. I don't know about you but I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone like that. The difficulty of not having friends outside the relationship can be changed once you leave her. Therapy will help you get through this in the meantime. If you decide to stay with her set some boundaries and stick with them. I never set boundaries and as a result I stayed too long. Finally I set a boundary for her to choose between working on the marriage or going with her new boyfriend. Guess what an immature child chooses? Immediate gratification. Anyway, the smear campaign has been levied against me and I filed for divorce. I too am stuck living with my wife for the next few weeks until I move out, it sucks. Try to keep busy with planning your future and stay away from her if possible. All we can really do is give them a good dose of reality and leave. You are the bread winner and can take care of yourself. Keep confident and stick to your plan.

[Rosehip]

Thank you for your support. I really had no idea what had been happening all these years. I feel sorry for my SO but need to protect myself now.

I wouldn't take this of treatment in any other area of life. Why do we put up with it in our relationship? Is it just the hope that things will improve?

Sorry to hear others are facing the same hard times. But it does help not to feel alone and to understand a bit better.

I'm not going to change my mind about ending this relationship. I just want to get out without too much more damage to myself.

Good luck to you all going through this.