I am new to the site so responding to things that are striking me as I go along and read all the stories and feel the wonderful support and ability to breathe and understand and be understood, the kind of thing that does not exist in a relationship with someone who is BPD.
Poll: The Five Stages of Abandonment - Susan Anderson, MSWThe stages resonate with me, but have overlapped and some still do in ways.
It has been 7 months since my ex ended it but in the first few months he was doing a lot of back and forth (this had happened once before and it was bad but it was not like this second time!). So, I was still there whenever he came around because we were at that point, having reunited and it had been 6 months, the best ever and had many more plans etc. So there was (what seemed like) the sudden shattering of our life and plans and the horrible pain of withdrawal and wanting anything to take it away. Namely him. And then the internalization phase. I thought if I just do this or that then we'll be fine again because we were fine. But at the same time, the rage was already there, had never really left, and with the back and forth it escalated. I did stand up for myself and I did set boundaries. But nothing worked because the rage was there but so was my utter vulnerability and pain. It didn't matter if I was kind and understanding or angry and called it for what it was or said do not call or write or drop by. He would disappear and then show up and even be kind and normal at moments. By now I was in the shattered and internalization and rage mode at once (even as I knew logically that I was) but the heart is slow to learn. He said that HIS back and forth was always about him trying and it wasn't working because of my back and forth. As if we did the back and forth for the same reasons. It got very personal about me... . everything he said he loved about me was now a flaw. I was no longer intuitive. I was paranoid and self-absorbed and misinterpret everything he says. I was no longer smart and thoughtful, I was negative and wasted my energies thinking too much about things, including every little thing said in our relationship. My excellent memory was no longer cool and the stories I can tell no longer interesting. Now it was about holding onto things in the past and not being able to live in the present. People here will also understand that things said and done are also in a moment, not all strung together at once. And in all of it are the moments of "normalcy" or the two people who love each other who want to call a truce and try again. That is what makes it that more confusing but as I am reading here many of us finally hit the wall.
I finally could no longer justify or wish any of it away. It was just there and I now see the signs were always there but BPD is crafty. I was convinced, for awhile, that all relationships require work - because I believe they do and still believe this - and I wanted to believe in perseverance and the love will prevail stuff. This is not possible, of course, not unless the BPD person has been diagnosed, acknowledges this and the other partner is willing to be there. And even that is no guarantee. And ironically, though no irony perhaps with the BPD, when he dumped me out of nowhere the second time and did the back and forth he complained that relationships should not be so hard and ours was not normal because of all the "work" required.
This didn't or doesn't make the stages any easier. But thankfully, I do not long or ache for him anymore. This didn't stop in a single moment. It just happened with time and after I'd hit the wall. I imagined him next to me and how close we had been and I just knew: I am imagining the part of him I loved when things were not like this; if he were lying next to me right now, I would be afraid of him. Not because I ever feared he would physically harm me (he was never like that), but because I would not know who he is or rather I do know all of him now. And while I still remember the good, I do not trust the "other" part of him and therefore even the good anymore. I know it was there because I was there but I do not know what was real or not real in his mind at all. And unless we can trust someone completely there is no trust at all.
As for the rage and lifting. The rage comes and goes (and was hard to find during the internalization phase; I only raged at myself sadly). Since then the very real rage has sometimes sustained me and made me validate my own feelings and pain and it was necessary. At other times I have wanted revenge and vindication. I sometimes still feel this way but mostly now I ask myself: How to or why rage at someone who is BPD. Why would I beat up on someone with a mental illness when my words and anger and love and compassion (it did not matter) never made a scrap of difference? When I was literally thrown away like a piece of garbage and picked up and brushed off and then thrown away again. And now I know why all along I would feel intense guilt and discomfort when I did speak up. I thought it was because I was wrong (the internalization phase) but I wasn't wrong. I knew intuitively that it was wrong to get angry at someone who cannot process or understand the information like I can at all, but that is not the same as being wrong about what really happened.
I'm still waiting for the lifting. It is happening slowly. I have started to find pleasure and relief again with friends and family. I laugh more. I have even thought about the possibility of dating again down the road - something that terrifies me and I wouldn't touch without a lot more thinking through all of this and why I ignored red flags and stayed and stayed and stayed. I keep going to counselling as much as I can. I read up on this. I found this site and it is truly amazing and helpful! I am also speaking about this in other careful circles (it is very hard to explain to people who have no idea what living through this is like, particularly in the case of my BPD who appeared to be so normal to others - maybe most of my rage is still there ).
But in all of this and all the five stages, I know I am not fully there or through the healing process. I still move between shattered (my life plans changed and abruptly) and the rage and the lifting. And while I changed my phone and don`t have to worry so much about physically running into each other at this point, each time I open email I wonder, will he be there and what will he say. I did ignore the last email (a month ago). It was all about work, we work in similar fields, but loaded with emotional manipulation and incomprehensible motives. But a month is nothing. He will show up again sooner or later.
Hard to ignore someone I loved and love so much but trust not at all. But hard to forget how he had never had to question my love for him or his trust in me and the damage done. I guess it will be about moving through the lifting stage some more, when I can say I hope you are well, take care and it doesn`t interfere with my life or emotional state at all.
Thanks for listening. I appreciate all the posts and supports here!
