Messed up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I thought I was nearly there but I messed up. After about a year and a half of being apart, divorce almost final, I engaged with my soon to be exhwBPD. He stepped right back in my head, I allowed it and I feel like I'm back to square one. I am confused, agitated, & depressed. I want to crawl in a hole and hide. Yesterday, I spent HOURS just watching TV to distract my mind because I was so emotionally uncomfortable.

We were at my son's 30th b-day party last weekend and I thought I could act "normal" so the day would feel closer to what our life used to be like. I ended up talking with my H and going to our old house with him to talk (his suggestion). We shared about our regrets and I said I wanted to get to a place one day where we could be together with our adult kids and their families and be comfortable with that. He shared that he was accountable for all the things he did and in the past had always insisted he had one "indiscretion" while we were separated but actually admitted to more than one on that day. That comment was a mixed blessing because it validated my suspicions but at the same time - validated my suspicions! He stated his undying love for me and it was so good to hear because I've been craving it for so long. I started having thoughts of re-uniting after the divorce because maybe he hit rock bottom and realized the value and importance of what he had. I told myself that perhaps we could have a better relationship living in separate houses.

Going back to our house was difficult as well because it felt so "normal" and comfortable being there. I longed to go back. I've been staying with my sister for over a year so I could afford an attorney and I desperately want my own home and normal back.

I feel like I'm revisiting all the emotions I had when I first found evidence of an affair and when my world came crashing down. I can't believe I've been married to this person, I can't believe this has been "my" life. I'm obsessed with texting him back to prove what, I don't know. I don't feel good inside, I can't turn my thinking around and the only relief I get is when he texts me but his texts seem manipulative and confusing, back to the crazy making! I wanted to believe he isn't as bad as I thought and perhaps we could one day work it out! I forgot or chose to forget how bad it was outside of the affairs. I'm all over the place, I really messed up.

[Awakecj]

I thought I was nearly there but I messed up. After about a year and a half of being apart, divorce almost final, I engaged with my soon to be exhwBPD. He stepped right back in my head, I allowed it and I feel like I'm back to square one. I am confused, agitated, & depressed. I want to crawl in a hole and hide. Yesterday, I spent HOURS just watching TV to distract my mind because I was so emotionally uncomfortable.

We were at my son's 30th b-day party last weekend and I thought I could act "normal" so the day would feel closer to what our life used to be like. I ended up talking with my H and going to our old house with him to talk (his suggestion). We shared about our regrets and I said I wanted to get to a place one day where we could be together with our adult kids and their families and be comfortable with that. He shared that he was accountable for all the things he did and in the past had always insisted he had one "indiscretion" while we were separated but actually admitted to more than one on that day. That comment was a mixed blessing because it validated my suspicions but at the same time - validated my suspicions! He stated his undying love for me and it was so good to hear because I've been craving it for so long. I started having thoughts of re-uniting after the divorce because maybe he hit rock bottom and realized the value and importance of what he had. I told myself that perhaps we could have a better relationship living in separate houses.

Going back to our house was difficult as well because it felt so "normal" and comfortable being there. I longed to go back. I've been staying with my sister for over a year so I could afford an attorney and I desperately want my own home and normal back.

I feel like I'm revisiting all the emotions I had when I first found evidence of an affair and when my world came crashing down. I can't believe I've been married to this person, I can't believe this has been "my" life. I'm obsessed with texting him back to prove what, I don't know. I don't feel good inside, I can't turn my thinking around and the only relief I get is when he texts me but his texts seem manipulative and confusing, back to the crazy making! I wanted to believe he isn't as bad as I thought and perhaps we could one day work it out! I forgot or chose to forget how bad it was outside of the affairs. I'm all over the place, I really messed up.

[lockedout]

You're not back to square one. This will probably happen many times over, hopefully with  a longer period of time between each occurrence. Hopefully you'll recover more quickly each time. There are always going to be triggers and they'll be hit at different times, especially if you get back into the dating pool. You won't know what's going to happen for every situation. 

[Awakecj]

I just finished a series of texts with H and I feel emotionally exhausted. It is always he said, she said and I can't believe that he has the audacity to say anything negative about me, he was the abuser and cheater. I'm so angry and frustrated by his comments but yet I feel like calling him just to settle down. So confusing.

lockedout-thank you for replying. It's hard to imagine that I will do this many times over, it is such a difficult process.

[bpdspell]

I thought I was nearly there but I messed up. After about a year and a half of being apart, divorce almost final, I engaged with my soon to be exhwBPD. He stepped right back in my head, I allowed it and I feel like I'm back to square one. I am confused, agitated, & depressed. I want to crawl in a hole and hide. Yesterday, I spent HOURS just watching TV to distract my mind because I was so emotionally uncomfortable.

I'm all over the place, I really messed up.

Awake cj,

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are human and are going through the emotional ups & downs of finalizing a divorce with a person you shared a trauma bond with.

This is not easy work. Are you in Therapy?

You didn't mess up. He is your husband and you love(d) him. Loving him is not the problem.

The problem is mental illness... . in his case BPD/NPD. Relationships with BPD's are often toxic and damaging to our sense of self and worth. In the long run these relationships aren't sustaining nor healthy; they are self sacrificing. Marriage often only intensifies the blaming and bad behaviors. AwakeCJ... . You were being abused and your needs were not being taken care of or nurtured by your husband due to his mental illness.

Your husband is a sick man and this is not your fault of your own.

The memories with our ex's are bittersweet. If only we could have the good stuff and discard the bad. Unfortunately this is not reality. In reality they are deeply unhappy people and being in relationship with them will only make us susceptible to their pretzel logic, manipulation, blame tactics, and treating us with callous disrespect.

AwakeCJ... . I'm going to share a valuable lesson with you.

I had broken up with my ex and hadn't seen him in over a year. An entire year. Yet I was severely angry at myself for what I felt was a snail pace recovery. I was led to believed that time apart and No Contact would give me closure and healing but this is only partially true.

The goal is detachment and this "goal" totally went over my head. For an entire year I had been apart from my ex. Learned all I could about BPD yet deep down in the sub-basement levels of me lived the tiny glimmer of hope that I was that one "unique" case where love would prevail and I'd have my happily ever after. Turns out... . I hadn't detached at all.

I cried tons. Even buckets but I was still wasn't fully ready to let go and because of this I kept the relationship very much alive in my heart (with anger & rage) although it had ended a year before.

So yes. Sometimes we think time apart, distance or even a pending divorce means detachment. But it doesn't. Detachment means mourning & grieving the relationship and understanding why it could have never worked. It means accepting that while they look normal on the outside... . that they are severely mentally ill and will never have the tools to make us happy.

Accepting that they are mentally is life changing and shifts the balance of power to you. You are the key to your own happiness.

In the past I was such a sucker for my ex's handsome face, hot body and boyish charm. His appeal used to have the power to make me weak in the knees.

Now when I see him... . I see mental illness first; not good looks or superficial glib charm. Who he is now branded in my head and heart.

Spell

[lockedout]

When it comes to the texting thing, don't engage. They love to lure you into their toxic world as long as they know they can gain the upper hand. If there's any reason to text them, keep it short and to the point. For me it's only for our son, nothing else. If I lose my patience now, it's for other reasons. Today it was because I've been trying to get some financial stuff from her and I doubt she's going to be cooperative no matter how nice I am. It's a power thing. I feel bad for ripping into her because it'll probably make her less likely to cooperate. Not because of her feelings.

[Awakecj]

For an entire year I had been apart from my ex. Learned all I could about BPD yet deep down in the sub-basement levels of me lived the tiny glimmer of hope that I was that one "unique" case where love would prevail and I'd have my happily ever after. Turns out... . I hadn't detached at all.

In the past I was such a sucker for my ex's handsome face, hot body and boyish charm. His appeal used to have the power to make me weak in the knees.

Spell

BPDspell, believing my H has a mental illness has been difficult for me. Deep down, I too, hold out hope that he really isn't sick & that this time, this lesson will help him change so I can go back with him even after the divorce. I do have a therapist and often she has said to me that he will never stop cheating or be able to hold onto the "good" for long. I hate it when she says this because I don't want to believe it. When I discovered this website about a year ago, I used it a lot but then I started to convince myself that maybe my H didn't have this disorder.

I'm depressed, I want my family life back. Our kids are getting married, having children of their own & we don't have that home base anymore for gathering. I realize I'm fixating on the what if and if only but can't seem to get myself to stop. It only seems to be getting worse as we approach finalizing our divorce.

You're right, I can't detach because I don't want all of this to be true. I need to get to the point where I "want" to detach so I can heal. I think I have grieved so much but maybe it has been more about me feeling the victim. The damage to my self esteem is huge.

Thank you so much for responding.

[Awakecj]

When it comes to the texting thing, don't engage. They love to lure you into their toxic world as long as they know they can gain the upper hand.

lockedout - I stopped texting yesterday. Doesn't mean I don't keep playing over & over in my head what I want to say or text to him next time but you're right it feels toxic when I engage. I don't feel good about myself and sometimes I start feeling bad for him, he seems so sincere. I just want to believe it and that's where I keep getting stuck.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Awakecj,

     For me, I decided that she and I were just both very abandonment-sensitive people and that was the reason why the combination was so toxic. La-la-la! Unicorns were then singing lullabies and farting rainbows for me, because that meant, at its heart, that she and I could certainly get back together. I nearly had myself fully convinced.  There was just one sticking point.  While we were together she started 'seeing' someone else.  I can be a complete jackass and though I have never made a practice of lying, I could see myself doing so in some circumstances; I was confused, like her' and things were happening too fast for me to process it all... . but, honestly... . I never could express the depth of love I had with her and then suddenly take off for no reason a few months later.  That just couldn't happen, even on my worst day.  I just couldn't (and still can't, fortunately) get past that 'Inconvenient Truth' about her, and it has saved me from staying in this trap.  Is there an inconvenient truth for you about him?

     While we're on the subject of truth, you say "I'm depressed, I want my family life back. Our kids are getting married, having children of their own & we don't have that home base anymore for gathering." Do you honestly think your kids don't have a home base?  Baloney.  You're their home base.  Period.  Someone with BPD (or even severe BPD traits) isn't anyone's home base.  They only sing the "me-me-me" song.  The problem might just be that you don't think well enough of yourself to imagine that you can be a strong positive influence on the kids without the SO.  This lack of self-esteem in the first place is what gets us into these relationships.  A therapist can truly help you with this.  We're all alone, really, and the fallacy that defines these r/s for us is that it doesn't have to be that way.  There is someone out there who can change that and be our 'other half'!  yay! Well, it turns out that you and I (and everyone else) can be and must be A-OK all by ourselves before we can ever be able to form another healthy r/s.  You can do it!

LT

[lockedout]

When it comes to the texting thing, don't engage. They love to lure you into their toxic world as long as they know they can gain the upper hand.

lockedout - I stopped texting yesterday. Doesn't mean I don't keep playing over & over in my head what I want to say or text to him next time but you're right it feels toxic when I engage. I don't feel good about myself and sometimes I start feeling bad for him, he seems so sincere. I just want to believe it and that's where I keep getting stuck.

Part of letting go is not caring what you wanted to say. Here's why: if you said what you wanted to say, it would have made no difference at all. In all the exchanges over the years you've said both what you wanted to say, what you wish you hadn't and not said what you wish you had. At the end of the day the outcome would have been exactly the same. Although, he may have had a brief "lucid moment" here or there, he would have reneged on his understanding. They will always view us with contempt and scorn and see us as the reason for their unhappiness. You not feeling good about yourself is how they "thrive".