Dreams

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been seeing her in my dreams nearly every night. At first the dreams were all sexual. Lately they have shifted to dreams of the future. In them we are always happy and things are going well. This is messing with my ability to detach. But then again I am torn on whether I want to fully detach. Part of me is still holding on to the hope that she will get help and our family will be reunited and we will realize the happy future we both longed for.

What are your dreams about?

I hear many of you describe them as nightmares. I have had no nightmares, but I do feel haunted by my dreams of us together and happy.

[papawapa]

I have been seeing her in my dreams nearly every night. At first the dreams were all sexual. Lately they have shifted to dreams of the future. In them we are always happy and things are going well. This is messing with my ability to detach. But then again I am torn on whether I want to fully detach. Part of me is still holding on to the hope that she will get help and our family will be reunited and we will realize the happy future we both longed for.

What are your dreams about?

I hear many of you describe them as nightmares. I have had no nightmares, but I do feel haunted by my dreams of us together and happy.

[gallerykey]

my dreams/nightmares are one of the same. Yes I dream we have a future as he is actively in therapy but at the same time from all ive read they never really get any better hence why its my nightmare. I cant imagine the next god knows how many years of my life being the same as the last 2, i really cant. I jump inbetween this is ok and no its not ok. I dream were together, i nightmare were together. Doesnt make sense but thats where I am still. Sitting on the fence as such. Wish someone could interpret it all for me, wave a magic wand, I wake up and everything is ok. Im in a really bad place right now and have no help or support so probably not the best of answers, sorry x

[4now]

I had a dream about a week ago where I had met the most wonderful man.  I was still with my husband in the dream (I guess I still am at this point, although he left me on Friday) but was about to leave him for the new man.  The new man was so sweet, romantic and we were madly in love.  I felt intense guilt in my dream and was afraid to leave h because of the hurt I would cause him.  Then I woke up... .

I think dreams sometimes give us in our sleep what we wish we could have in waking life.  Perhaps you haven't fully detached from your ex and need to do some more work on that.  It is a process, of course.  I am no psychologist, but that is why I think we have those dreams where everything is perfect.  For me, it gave me hope that maybe some day I can meet another man and have a loving relationship.  It is important not to live in a dream world though.  We have to live in reality and sometimes that's not so nice.

[HealingSlowly]

I hear you all on the dreams. It has been 7 months and I still dream of my ex at least 5 nights a week (which is better than 7!). At the beginning I had a lot of dreams about the sudden abandonment. In one I was lost in a huge empty building and knew he was somewhere and would find me and get me out of there. Only then I saw him walk by me and completely ignore me as I called out his name. Then there were A LOT of dreams about our happiness or how we were in stable times and the intimacy. So real, so heartbreaking. I'd wake up and think how is it possible we are no longer together. He really must not have loved me. So then I'd feel pain and the ache of longing all day, only focusing on this, internalizing it all as my fault - if only I had done this or that or hadn't said this or that. But now I no longer have the "happy" dreams. Now they are often about being with him and things are normal - we could be in a grocery store, for example - and then he looks at me with that nonchalant and cold glare and says something utterly inhumane. It is chilling and what really happened. But I guess this is part of the process - recognizing how bad and cruel it really was. What I have also noticed is that my deceased parents, who died many years ago at different times, are showing up A LOT in my dreams. Sometimes they are very painful dreams, losing them again, and my T and I have talked about how this experience has brought up those hard memories and the trauma of their illnesses. But at the other time the dreams are great - being close to either my mom or dad or both. This too is heartbreaking in its own way but also a good thing. I think my unconscious is remembering what normal and trusting love is and that I can still count on my parents to be there for me and remind me of this through all the memories. Thanks for sharing and listening.

[Suzn]

Part of me is still holding on to the hope that she will get help and our family will be reunited and we will realize the happy future we both longed for.

Here is some information I found about these reoccurring dreams you are having papawapa. I found dream interpretation a very helpful tool in my recovery to better understand what my psyche knows, that sometimes in my waking life I may not realize or consider. Our sub conscience is way more intelligent than we give it credit for.

Dreaming of getting back together with an ex or having an otherwise positive interaction with your ex may be showing you that you miss your ex and continue to have feelings for this individual. This may be a simple wish-fulfillment dream.

Many dreamers may jump to the conclusion that dreaming of a marriage proposal from the ex or a promise to not behave in a manner that led to the break up reflects the ex's true feelings. In reality, the feelings expressed by the ex in the dream most likely reflect the feelings of the dreamer. Having a strong reaction to this statement and not being able to entertain the idea that your dream about your ex is telling you anything else besides that this person still loves you and you are destined to be together should show you how strong your hopes and wishes are.

Dreaming of a past relationship may reflect your current stage in grieving the relationship that ended. Perhaps you miss your ex, the companionship, or other positive aspects of the relationship.

Hope this helps.

[Emelie Emelie]

I dreamt that he died.  In an accident.  I went to the funeral and his sister said "What are you doing here?"  I also dreamt that I saw him and he was back together with an old girlfriend.  (The one before me.  The relationship was only 3 months so he still idealized her.  I was definitely insecure about it.)  But in the dream he was so happy.  Glowing.  Said he was sorry but this was who he was who he was meant to be with.  Makes me wonder if he is back with her.

[papawapa]

Until last night all of my dreams had been in the future. Last night we were in our last house. She was sitting on the couch and I sat by her and she laid her head face down on my lap. When I touched her she turned into a new woman. It was not her anymore but yet it still was.

[talithacumi]

Like healingslowly, I feel like 5 nights out of the week instead of 7 = big progress for me.

Unlike everyone else, though, all my dreams initially were of us fighting, yelling, crying, frustrated, frustrated, frustrated. Every dream. All night long. For hours and hours and hours. Would wake up sweating, heart beating fast, having a really hard time even wanting to go back to sleep.

Ugh.

Gradually they've come to be about chance encounters mostly. Him with the woman he left me for somehow ending up being where I am, and there just being a lot of awkwardness to try to deal with ... . or, when I'm more "mindfully" asleep ... . confusion about why he/they're showing up in my dreams at all.

Seems less like "wish fulfillment" to me, than my brain working out its various issues/concerns with someone who's no longer there - has never actually wanted to be there to do it with in person - and with whom I now no longer need/want to have any kind of contact/interaction at all.

[Hazelrah]

I have been seeing her in my dreams nearly every night. At first the dreams were all sexual. Lately they have shifted to dreams of the future. In them we are always happy and things are going well. This is messing with my ability to detach. But then again I am torn on whether I want to fully detach. Part of me is still holding on to the hope that she will get help and our family will be reunited and we will realize the happy future we both longed for.

What are your dreams about?

I hear many of you describe them as nightmares. I have had no nightmares, but I do feel haunted by my dreams of us together and happy.

Thankfully, the frequency of dreams involving my departed BPD wife has been pretty low over our 5-6 week separation--in thinking about that, it's kind of ironic, since most of my waking hours are still spent obsessed, ruminating about the past, present and future with her.  Perhaps this lack of contact in the dream-world is some desperate attempt by my brain to give me some form of mental relief.  The dreams, when they do come, are almost always idealized versions of our relationship... . or perhaps some sort of grand reconciliation has been realized.  Wishful thinking--or dreaming--to be sure.  They are always particularly lucid, which makes it that much harder to wake up in the middle of the night alone.   

[Anikaca77]

I've thought about posting this... . but my dreams at the very beginning were so real.  He was back and so were all my cats that I love so dearly and miss.  There were a lot of sexual dreams as well.  Those have faded thank goodness a bit.

I had a dream last night that he told me to my face that he is with someone that is at a healthy weight and her BMI is good and he can make her move into all positions, etc.

I was completely hurt by this... . I know it's in my dreams but my self esteem is already at an all time low... .

I was at the drs. yesterday and lost 10 lbs since the beginning of July.  But I'm sure that's alot of stress and dealing with not sleeping well, etc.

I just wish I knew if I was ever going to find someone that will love me for me regardless of my weight and I'm a happy person normally till this all started and now I'm just feeling crapy about myself and want to cry my heart out but I'm at work and can't.  The dream last night seemed so real too but I don't dare tell him about it.  It hurt so much though.

[Reg]

Curious, to be honest I've not had any of these dreams at all.  The only one that reoccured was a vision of my ex running alone in the street, in tears, and in panic, there was nobody in the street but her, and the more she looked behind her and saw nobody, the harder she started to run and cry.  It was as if my unconscious part of my brain was telling me she was running away from herself or from her biggest fear of abandonment.  And I didn't know about the BPD at that time... .

My ex however did have this one reoccuring dream during a very long time on someone who had left her from one day on another (with BPD treats) without any further explanation or possible contact.  This lasted for years in her case, and show her enormous fear of abandonment I guess, as some of us may experience it in a similar way due to the toxic relationship ?

[papawapa]

Last night my dream was odd. I went to my grandmothers house and her replacement was sitting at her kitchen table. I beat him to a pulp. It felt good.