Hurt is there, still want to be civil

[Cocoalover]

I ended up my r/s with my bf June 2010, recycle in feb  till April 2011 then no contact till recently June 2013. The point of the last contact I made was because I wanted to have civil meeting with him before leaving the country and leave things behind. We met several times and he would say the same things as before when he had been in Idealising mode. We arranged to meet for the last time but never showed up and made some excuses. I am back home now and he keeps sending messages. I don't feel comfortable about it. Before contacting him the last time I had been doing well and thought I was over him, but after that each time I saw him I could feel that there's still something burning deep in me. I know it's over and he's in a  r/s now, but meeting him and getting messages put me back on square one.

When We broke up over cheating and anything you name it,I never said anything, never during the chaos or crises in our r/s . i loved him far too much to say a rough word in return, that's what made him ashamed most. Still want to use maturity power and stay the kind person I have always been with him as I'm with everyone.

I do believe in peace and that's what he and most people around me admire,. I know relatively what BPD is and I really feel for him. This site has helped me for the past 3years which I'm so grateful about. Now I  Need your wise words and suggestions how to handle replying without being upset.

[Newton]

Cocoalover he has treated you poorly... . it's ok to be upset.  Ok so screaming and shouting isn't pleasant or productive behaviour and thats not what I'm suggesting.

I guess I'm a little confused, it sounds like you are attempting to create a situation where you can have contact with him, maintain your dignity... . AND not be upset... . is this realistic?... .

The contact with him IS making you upset, that is understandable... . why continue this?... .

[danley]

Only you know how much you can handle. I'm a peace maker as well. You can not reply and still have peace. You've indicated that his messaging you makes you feel uncomfortable and back to square one. I think you actually reaching out would put you back to square one.

You've done well and went thru the grieving process all this time. Wouldn't you feel scared that one reply to him would mess that all up and bring up all the ugliness that you experienced after the breakup?

If you absolutely must reply, I'd TELL HIM that you've gone thru the grieving process and have worked hard to heal from your relationship and that you have no intentions of reliving the negative feelings associated with him. Tell him that you have had peace in your life with him gone and want to keep it like that. Wish him well and don't look back.

[seeking balance]

I ended up my r/s with my bf June 2010, recycle in feb  till April 2011 then no contact till recently June 2013. The point of the last contact I made was because I wanted to have civil meeting with him before leaving the country and leave things behind. We met several times and he would say the same things as before when he had been in Idealising mode. We arranged to meet for the last time but never showed up and made some excuses. I am back home now and he keeps sending messages. I don't feel comfortable about it. Before contacting him the last time I had been doing well and thought I was over him, but after that each time I saw him I could feel that there's still something burning deep in me. I know it's over and he's in a  r/s now, but meeting him and getting messages put me back on square one.

So, you wanted a  civil meeting and then you say each time you saw him... . so, how many times did you actually meet with him before he didn't show on your last meeting?

When We broke up over cheating and anything you name it,I never said anything, never during the chaos or crises in our r/s . i loved him far too much to say a rough word in return, that's what made him ashamed most. Still want to use maturity power and stay the kind person I have always been with him as I'm with everyone.

I do believe in peace and that's what he and most people around me admire,. I know relatively what BPD is and I really feel for him. This site has helped me for the past 3years which I'm so grateful about. Now I  Need your wise words and suggestions how to handle replying without being upset.

You can be upset and you will likely go through another round of grief as the wound has been exposed again.

Exactly what is it that you want with him now?

[Cocoalover]

(Exactly what is it that you want with him now?)

Seeking balance, this question is more scary to me that his messages. Ist because its questioning me, my thought and what's going on deep in my mind? I met with him 4 times in a month. Was so validating to hear things he would say, and I knew what is next, devaluing and the same cycle.

3 years passed by and I never had an eye for anyone. Never felt hugging anyone in a romantic way, the problem was he had it all i could fall for, I always think that perhaps I'm an old lost soul living in modern society. Got to a point I don't know what to think!

[seeking balance]

(Exactly what is it that you want with him now?)

Seeking balance, this question is more scary to me that his messages. Ist because its questioning me, my thought and what's going on deep in my mind? I met with him 4 times in a month. Was so validating to hear things he would say, and I knew what is next, devaluing and the same cycle.

3 years passed by and I never had an eye for anyone. Never felt hugging anyone in a romantic way, the problem was he had it all i could fall for, I always think that perhaps I'm an old lost soul living in modern society. Got to a point I don't know what to think!

Do I understand the pattern correctly?

- you contacted him after 3 years for 1 time meeting to say good-bye

- you met 4 times and he told you what you wanted to hear

- the final time to meet before you left, he did not show up

- he is now emailing you

Am I missing anything from this reconnection?

[Cocoalover]

SB, no you are not missing anything. We met from June to July 4 times and all was very civil and talking. Validating and asking if I still have the same feeling for him. So many questions as if he had it in mind to recycle as he didn't appear to be that much happy with his new guy(we are both male). Now I know that the inability to sustain the r/s was about him, but what made me feel wounded again is about me and need to work it out myself. Although this bonding put me through a lot but still I love him, ist because he was love of my life? I  Have self esteem issues? Am I still seeing myself as a saviour?

I would go to therapy if there was one where I live!

[seeking balance]

SB, no you are not missing anything. We met from June to July 4 times and all was very civil and talking. Validating and asking if I still have the same feeling for him. So many questions as if he had it in mind to recycle as he didn't appear to be that much happy with his new guy(we are both male). Now I know that the inability to sustain the r/s was about him, but what made me feel wounded again is about me and need to work it out myself. Although this bonding put me through a lot but still I love him, ist because he was love of my life? I  Have self esteem issues? Am I still seeing myself as a saviour?

I would go to therapy if there was one where I live!

3 years you were away - exactly what kind of emotional work did you do on yourself and grieving?  Did you go to therapy during that time?

[Cocoalover]

SB ,

We broke up June 2010. Short recycle feb-April 2011. Never replied his messages or emails because I could not cope. We both were living in London by that time. My only comfort and learning was on here. After a year spending on this forum then I left as I would feel as If I had over loaded myself with bp issues and thoughts I had had enough of knowledge . I only had a couple of counselling but didn't help much was more like venting, could not afford therapy.

Thanks for questioning.

[seeking balance]

Coco,

Sounds like you have had contact and you want to be civil, but still take care of yourself - is that your question?

OR

is your question, should you try to rekindle a romantic relationship?

[Cocoalover]

SB,

The hope for him getting better is zero as I could see the same pattern with his new guy, so everything is the same with him. And I'm far too tired to give it an other go. So Why do I care? Because I never hated him, I just could leave my head down and save my dignity. The truth is if he had not have this personality issues I would not have had him in my life. Who would not fall for beauty? That's a curse to him and enables to go and try helplessly to find his knight in shining armours. I can't cure him, and I strongly believe that any rekindle in the future would not stand a chance. 3 years after break up still he would keep sending messages but I never replied which would made me feel bad , I could not I was so wounded still to some extent. I just want to be civil, but think as I still have kind of  feeling, then I'm not there yet!

[seeking balance]

SB,

The hope for him getting better is zero as I could see the same pattern with his new guy, so everything is the same with him. And I'm far too tired to give it an other go. So Why do I care? Because I never hated him, I just could leave my head down and save my dignity. The truth is if he had not have this personality issues I would not have had him in my life. Who would not fall for beauty? That's a curse to him and enables to go and try helplessly to find his knight in shining armours. I can't cure him, and I strongly believe that any rekindle in the future would not stand a chance. 3 years after break up still he would keep sending messages but I never replied which would made me feel bad , I could not I was so wounded still to some extent. I just want to be civil, but think as I still have kind of  feeling, then I'm not there yet!

I think you answered your own question - you need to not have contact with him as it hurts you too much.