Two Steps Forward... One Step Back... Two Steps Forward again

[snappafcw]

Just wanted to update and thank the BPD Family

Well its going on 7 months since my uBPDexgf left me for someone else. In that time I have only spoken to her a few times... . Seen her once and even received an email from her which was more a way for her to clear her conscience than an apology... .

Anyway For the first 4 and a half months I was feeling very broken. Her snide remarks about me not earning enough money (after spoiling her and paying for everything) and basically saying I'm not good enough in other ways really hurt my self esteem. After all the verbal putdowns I was really starting to believe the things she was saying was really all my fault and since i did the very best i could to support her and make her happy not only did i feel hopeless for her but also felt hopeless as a human being... .

Anyway at the 4.5 month mark was when I found BPD family and it was such a blessing. I learn't so much so quickly and started moving forward... . But although I was learning a lot deep down I was in denial still that she had an illness and was still taking all of her actions personally. I took a step back again and began to feel hopeless. Like I was not capable of love. I also though on many occasions I was better off not being here as this is going to happen to me every time i meet someone. But i kept pushing on and now at the 6.5 month mark I feel a little bit better again. After reading all of your stories its now so obvious to me the behaviour is a predictable pattern with an inevitable outcome. I still feel very depressed and hurt a lot of the time but I now look at my ex with a lot of compassion. There was no excuse for her lies, possible cheating and hurtful remarks but I do accept that she was in so much turmoil trying to survive and that I was triggering her (no fault of my own) I also accept she was honest in the beginning about how she was messed up and I chose to stay and enabled her.

I'm heartbroken and feel very lonely still but I know I will survive. I don't know if i would be so positive if I hand't stumbled on to this community. Thanks so much for all of your support I'm sorry you have all had to go through this too but I hope you have found your own blessings from this site. I hope I meet someone nice again one day even if i am still skeptical that it will happen to me... .