Dealing with Coldness, lack of communication

[strikeforce]

Been in an on off 10 month relationship with my BPD partner.

I have been through the coldness phase often before and I think maybe I do and say the wrong things.

What is the best approach? Just keep texting and talking as I would normally?

She recently asked to marry me but now wont even say 'I love you' via text as she used to do

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

 

KEep reading what we have, to learn about BPD the only way to deal with this disease is to take care of you.   not worry why she does what she does. there is alot to read on here, and many to help you.  

just keep reading and make sure you read those lessons--------------------->> >> >>  

good way to start .  

[strikeforce]

KEep reading what we have, to learn about BPD the only way to deal with this disease is to take care of you.   not worry why she does what she does. there is alot to read on here, and many to help you.  

just keep reading and make sure you read those lessons--------------------->> >> >>  

good way to start .  

Thanks Wanda

[mcc503764]

Been in an on off 10 month relationship with my BPD partner.

I have been through the coldness phase often before and I think maybe I do and say the wrong things.

What is the best approach? Just keep texting and talking as I would normally?

She recently asked to marry me but now wont even say 'I love you' via text as she used to do

Trust me, you can drive yourself NUTS trying to interpret this person.  I've spent the past # of years trying to decipher her signals, and just when I think that I have done it, it changes.

Fact is, there is NO consistency with their actions.  The countless contradictions of these people are crazy making!  Love / care are one thing, but trying to get caught up in the mind of a BPD is another!

My advice to you is to control what you can, which is YOURSELF!  Often times, we find that we have lost so much of our own SELF for the sake of this other person that when the dust settles, we don't even know who WE are anymore!

It's a painful journey.  Just as the r/s with our x's was a rollercoaster, so is the recovery!  It's completely nonsensical and you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out!  Some things we just have to learn to accept it for what it is and put it up on a shelf?

Take the focus off of them... . what they may or may not be doing, because at the end of the day, you have NO control over the choices that another person makes.  This is acceptance and while it's harsh and may not be what you want, or what you pictured in your mind, it's the reality of the situation!

MCC

[strikeforce]

Been in an on off 10 month relationship with my BPD partner.

I have been through the coldness phase often before and I think maybe I do and say the wrong things.

What is the best approach? Just keep texting and talking as I would normally?

She recently asked to marry me but now wont even say 'I love you' via text as she used to do

Trust me, you can drive yourself NUTS trying to interpret this person.  I've spent the past # of years trying to decipher her signals, and just when I think that I have done it, it changes.

Fact is, there is NO consistency with their actions.  The countless contradictions of these people are crazy making!  Love / care are one thing, but trying to get caught up in the mind of a BPD is another!

My advice to you is to control what you can, which is YOURSELF!  Often times, we find that we have lost so much of our own SELF for the sake of this other person that when the dust settles, we don't even know who WE are anymore!

It's a painful journey.  Just as the r/s with our x's was a rollercoaster, so is the recovery!  It's completely nonsensical and you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out!  Some things we just have to learn to accept it for what it is and put it up on a shelf?

Take the focus off of them... . what they may or may not be doing, because at the end of the day, you have NO control over the choices that another person makes.  This is acceptance and while it's harsh and may not be what you want, or what you pictured in your mind, it's the reality of the situation!

MCC

Hey MCC 

Thanks for your words of wisdom, I was slowly heading in that direction anyway 

[Chosen]

Hi strikeforce 

Just want to extend my welcome.  The Lessons on the right are a good place to start.  I completely understand how frustrated you feel- pwBPDs are so driven by their own emotions, they can be passionate one second and completely cold the next.  You probably won't ever be able to change that fact (unless they undergo treatment), but you can minimise the impact it has on you by not joining in their dance.  It's not easy and sometimes counter-intuitive, but as the relatively more normal person, we must be more anchored emotionally before we can deal with the BPD-ness. 

It's very difficult to do, and your pwBPD may not like it (because you are less emotionally extreme compared with before), but it will help you and your relationship. 

[strikeforce]

Hi strikeforce 

Just want to extend my welcome.  The Lessons on the right are a good place to start.  I completely understand how frustrated you feel- pwBPDs are so driven by their own emotions, they can be passionate one second and completely cold the next.  You probably won't ever be able to change that fact (unless they undergo treatment), but you can minimise the impact it has on you by not joining in their dance.  It's not easy and sometimes counter-intuitive, but as the relatively more normal person, we must be more anchored emotionally before we can deal with the BPD-ness. 

It's very difficult to do, and your pwBPD may not like it (because you are less emotionally extreme compared with before), but it will help you and your relationship. 

Thanks chosen 

So would it be safe to say if they act cold sort of ignore it and carry on as normal? I always tell her how much I love her even if she doesn't bother saying it and I don't bother questioning her coldness as much either.

[mcc503764]

This reminds me of an old friend who once told me that "you can only make the offer... . what the other person chooses to do with it is their choice, but at least you were the bigger person and extended your sincerity... . "

You love her... . you extend that message to her... . you are trying... . if she cant reciprocate it in any manner, what are you going to do about it?  You cannot control it, but at least you know that you have done the best that you know how to do!

MCC

[strikeforce]

This reminds me of an old friend who once told me that "you can only make the offer... . what the other person chooses to do with it is their choice, but at least you were the bigger person and extended your sincerity... . "

You love her... . you extend that message to her... . you are trying... . if she cant reciprocate it in any manner, what are you going to do about it?  You cannot control it, but at least you know that you have done the best that you know how to do!

MCC

Well I'm just going to be the better person and kept telling her how I feel regardless of what she says or doesn't say back

[Chosen]

Well seems like you're getting the hang of it, strikeforce.  When they're cold it's their buisness (of course it affects you, but it's not up to you to make things better for them, especially when they haven't even told you the reason of their coldness).  You don't have to question it or ask them to change.  Of course you know her better, so in certain cases you may ask why she doesn't seem like the usual "her".  But in my case, it would just lead to my pwBPD attacking me and blaming me.

You can tell her how you feel, sure, and there's no need to be passive aggressive because she is like that.  You don't have to play that game.  However, if she's telling you she doesn't feel loving towards you, then I have read that it's probably not the best to keep telling her you love her, because it may invalidating to her at that moment.  For me personally, most of the time I try to be the better person.  But sometimes when I'm weaker, the impending rejection is too painful so I just don't initiate things.  I just go on as normal, but less emotion towards my pwBPD. 

[strikeforce]

Well seems like you're getting the hang of it, strikeforce.  When they're cold it's their buisness (of course it affects you, but it's not up to you to make things better for them, especially when they haven't even told you the reason of their coldness).  You don't have to question it or ask them to change.  Of course you know her better, so in certain cases you may ask why she doesn't seem like the usual "her".  But in my case, it would just lead to my pwBPD attacking me and blaming me.

You can tell her how you feel, sure, and there's no need to be passive aggressive because she is like that.  You don't have to play that game.  However, if she's telling you she doesn't feel loving towards you, then I have read that it's probably not the best to keep telling her you love her, because it may invalidating to her at that moment.  For me personally, most of the time I try to be the better person.  But sometimes when I'm weaker, the impending rejection is too painful so I just don't initiate things.  I just go on as normal, but less emotion towards my pwBPD. 

After reading lots on this site I feel I am able to deal with things slightly better than before.

She has been recently wanting to go to more therapy so at least she knows there is an issue.

[Chosen]

It's probably still a long way for her but knowing there is an issue is a great starting point, which many of us never got to (like me).  Combining the Lessons you learn here and her T's help, hopefully things will improve for you 

[mcc503764]

But remember, there comes a time when enough is enough... . I NEVER would've imagined that I would reach that point, but I have personally surpassed that point!

I take care of ME!  I live MY life!  If my ex was too stupid or "disordered" to realize what I brought to the table, then that's her own stupid fault!

"Couldve, would've, should've... . "  that's NOT MY problem any longer!

My x can kiss my a$# for all of the pain and hurt that she brought into MY life!  I don't need any of it and I will end up with someone who is capable of being in a healthy r/s!

Good Luck!

MCC