Getting Back Together, How to not Repeat the Cycle?

[MarkMo]

Hi, how are you? Well my undiagnosed BPD wife and I are getting back together after about 2 1/2 months of her living somewhere else. She wants us to move and get a fresh start. I am very willing to do this because there are a lot of stresses, for me as well, that are associated with where we are currently living.

Since joining this site, I have learned a lot about how to deal with certain situations. I have learned a lot more about what triggers her and how she feels about certain things. My wife is undiagnosed and when we were arguing, she refused to even admit that there was a problem. She still does but I really don't feel the need to push the issue at this time.

I know that many of the triggers were me. She has a huge abandonment issue. Sometimes, if I even talk to another woman she will get very annoyed. I was not the best husband in the world but her leaving has given me the opportunity to change back into the person that I was before we got married. I know that with the information that I have learned here and the person I have changed back into, I can handle this so much better than I did before. 


I know that I will need to put up some limits and boundaries but are those mostly normal relationship things or do I need to add more to our relationship? What can I do at first to stop the cycle from happening again? I know that it is not going to just fix itself so I want to be proactive in this. Thank you for any help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

Hi MarkMo,

I have been off dealing with my own personal relationship drama but last time I saw a post from you, you had just been back from court and your ex-wife had told some bold face lies about you.  What prompted the change?  Was it just that she finally changed her mind?

I know that many of the triggers were me. She has a huge abandonment issue. Sometimes, if I even talk to another woman she will get very annoyed. I was not the best husband in the world but her leaving has given me the opportunity to change back into the person that I was before we got married. I know that with the information that I have learned here and the person I have changed back into, I can handle this so much better than I did before.  

Your statement makes me think that you are blaming yourself for your wife's behavior.  Of course, we all have responsibility to keep 'our sides of the street clean' and there are ways to avoid the traps that our BPD set for us, but do you think that you'll be able to stop triggering her?  I ask because in my house I know that my husband will eventually get triggered regardless of how 'perfect' I tried to act and in the end (before I found this site) I really started to lose myself into the black hole of filling BPD neediness.

I am sure that you will be able to handle the situation better but its still not easy.  What are the terms of moving back in together?  How are you planning to protect you and your children from the BPD behavior?

I know that I will need to put up some limits and boundaries but are those mostly normal relationship things or do I need to add more to our relationship? What can I do at first to stop the cycle from happening again? I know that it is not going to just fix itself so I want to be proactive in this. Thank you for any help

How much have you been reading the lessons?  This is a really hard road with a BPD and you are going to need tons of support. Do you have a therapist?  Are you willing to make the hard decisions even though the outcome may at times be pretty awful?  (Extinction bursts)  

If you have seen my story, I am in the middle of a very difficult situation in my own house where I started putting down boundaries (April) and stopped being an outlet for my husband's stress.  The results were initially amazing (May into June) but after a few months the novelty wore off for him and he began escalating his bad behavior hoping to get back to 'normal'.  I'm glad that I am on this path (which will ultimately lead to a better relationship or a divorce) but regardless will provide me a better life.  He's finally stated that he has become an angry and abusive man (after a particularly violent episode) and has scheduled himself for doctors appts (d-day is today) but talk is cheap and this is not an easy 'oh I just need a pill and some counselling' situation.  Attending 1 therapist appt and getting a prescription for his chemical imbalance won't solve anything.  My only hope is that I see him taking responsibility for himself for the first time in a decade... . but really how long will it last.

Anyway, I don't want to seem negative, I just know how difficult this journey is (because I am on it too)... .

Have you thought about buying some books to give you more guidance?  Here are a couple that I have heard good things about.

The High Conflict Couple

Essential Family Guide

Good luck.

[briefcase]

Since you are trying to re-launch the relationship and don't want to repeat the same conflict cycles, you might want to start with some emotional validation, which is basically expressing some empathy for the emotions she is feeling.  Also, when she says something provacative try not to justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE) anything.  JADE makes things worse.  Have you read the Lessons?