Need some Help/guidance/advice

[donniesgrrl]

Hi there,

I haven't posted in awhile, I needed a break from everything, and I have been focusing on my family my husband, and our new little bean that is due on March 12th, 2014 .

I had a mild breakdown after my Daughters dance recital when my uBPD mom and enStepdad came and completely ignored me and my Husband.  I realize that is how she "punishes" me and to be honest the only reason it bothers me is because I Feel it is completely inappropriate for her to behave that way in front of my children. 

We have not seen them since then and to be honest I prefer it that way, all she does is bring pain into my life and drama when they are around.  I realize the illness gives her a complete inability to see anyone outside of herself or to acknowledge their feelings, I offered an olive branch by saying lets move forward but in a new way, one in which you respect the fact that I have a family of my own and that I am allowed to do as I please without your permission.  I have a right to be upset about how you treated my children, and whether or not you agree with that is not important to me.  My kids, my life, my feelings, my rules.

With that being said, I have invited them to DS 3rd Birthday, my H and I decided that no matter what we would take the high road and keep them involved in the kids big events, Birthdays, recitals, etc.  In a way it helps me more than anything, I know I am doing the right thing and if they choose to come or not that is on them.

I have not told them I am pregnant, I do not want to call them, I do not really even want to include them in it because all they do is bring stress and pain to me, but I know if I don't tell her and she shows up to the Birthday, and sees me (I am very obviously pregnant) She will make a big scene, and ruin DS birthday, she will also find it as a perfect way to paint herself as the victim and me as the "Horrible b!tch of a daughter who cut her out of my life for no reason what so ever, after everything she has done for me and sacrificed for me, how I could do this to her, is completely unfathomable" (her words not mine) when in actuality, she is the one who decided to remove herself from my life, I was more than willing to work on a new relationship, but she refused to accept that I now have boundaries, and respect me as an adult and as a mother.

How would you approach this situation, I had planned to write a note but I don't know how to write it, I don't know what to put, especially since my biggest fear is that she will re introduce herself into our lives in an invasive way and I can not handle it right now, I need to focus on the baby and my Family... . I just don't know what to do.  It makes me horribly sad to have to deal with this, it really really does .

[GeekyGirl]

Congrats on the new baby! You must be excited.

If a note's something you're comfortable with, I think it's a good idea. The tone/message will depend on what you're comfortable with. Do you want to tell your mother that you're pregnant? If so, what's the message you want to send? Do you want to just tell her that you're pregnant or do you want further discussion?

I don't blame you for being worried about how your mother will react to the news that you're having a baby, and I can understand why you'd want some distance. I could also see how it might be awkward if your mother shows up at your DS's bday party and is surprised that you're pregnant. (Awkward is probably putting it mildly  )

[donniesgrrl]

Thank you for replying.  I think the tone of the message is going to be more of an FYI than anything else.  My H and I are also in the process of figuring out logistics to move in with his parents for a little bit.  We need a fresh start, and although moving in with them would not be ideal (we have a wonderful relationship but I feel like a failure moving back in as an adult with 2 kids and one on the way).  However, by doing this it will allow us to move near family that is healthy for us, and very supportive of us, as well as save a HUGE chunk of change for our forever home.  It will allow us to finally get out from under my mom and Step dad's thumb and put enough distance between us that they can't just drive by our house whenever they feel like it, or have family spying on us.  It does make me sad that we will be moving away from my BFF of 30 years and my family on my Dad and Step mom's side, but it is only an hour away, and we will make an effort to see them as much as possible, hell by Best friend and I were separated by most of a country for 5 years and we still figured it out.  We used to live out towards where we are moving back to, but we moved up here because my mom won so to speak, she wanted us closer made all these promises and nothing ever comae of them, I put my Marriage,and my relationship with my In laws in jeopardy, and although we have made up and my MIL and I are really really close now, I feel like doing this is only going to be a good thing.  So while it may stink for awhile living in someone else's house, I know it will let us start over and be able to reach our goals.

With that being said, as My H has put it, it is either going to open her eyes or be the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.  I am expecting the latter, so I have a feeling once we break the ties, and move I really don't see them having too much to do with us, as sad as that makes me, I also know it is what is going to be best for our family.  

So I think the tone of the note should be more of a "hey just wanted you to know we are pregnant" but I don't know how to write that without being cold or coming off as b!tchy.

Thanks for the congratulations! We are still not sure if we are crazy by having a third but We are excited nonetheless, and can't wait until we get to meet this little blessing

[GeekyGirl]

It sounds like you have a good long-term plan, and although I know it will be a strain being in your in-laws' home, as you said, it won't be forever. Hopefully the kids will get some quality time with their grandparents and you and your DH will be able to save money for the long-term. 

Knowing your mother, you can tailor the message to get your point across. I'd keep it simple and straightforward, but with a touch of compassion--know what I mean? I'd put it in a simple card: "Hey mom, hope you're well. [DH] and I are starting to share the great news of our third pregnancy, and we wanted you to be among the first to know. Love, GG," or something like that. What happens from there is mainly up to her. Your conscience will be clear.

[donniesgrrl]

It sounds like you have a good long-term plan, and although I know it will be a strain being in your in-laws' home, as you said, it won't be forever. Hopefully the kids will get some quality time with their grandparents and you and your DH will be able to save money for the long-term. 

Knowing your mother, you can tailor the message to get your point across. I'd keep it simple and straightforward, but with a touch of compassion--know what I mean? I'd put it in a simple card: "Hey mom, hope you're well. [DH] and I are starting to share the great news of our third pregnancy, and we wanted you to be among the first to know. Love, GG," or something like that. What happens from there is mainly up to her. Your conscience will be clear.

That is perfect! Thank you for your help.  To people on the outside who don't understand what living with a BPD person is like it seems like such a silly thing, when in reality something as simple as a good news note could set off a rage or some sort of punishing behavior.  I think I will also send it certified so that I know she got it.  I know that seems silly but it is because she always tries to claim she never gets things or that they got lost in the mail.  it is part of the reason why I send them evites for the kids parties, it shows you who has viewed it and when, so she can not say oh I never saw it... . I have proof LOL.

[gloveman]

     You are making the correct decisions. My wife and I stopped inviting my parents over to our house because they always ruined the party. The rare times my parents invited us over to their house they completely ignored us. Our oldest son is now 43 and I still can't understand how grandparents can completely ignore their children and, their grandchildren.

     Moving in with your in-laws is a great idea because not only will your children see what it is like to have loving, caring grandparents, but you will see what it is like to have loving, caring parents.

     My relationship with my parents eventually decayed to the point that I only saw them a big family events like weddings.

     Good luck.

[donniesgrrl]

Sent the Card!

It Reads:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Dh and I are starting to share the news that we are happily expecting baby #3 in March 2014.  We wanted you to be among the first to know.

Hope you are well.

Love me, DH, DD, and DS

I am sending it with a tracker on it so I know it is received, whether uBPD Mom and SD decide to acknowledge it or not is not really important to me.  I am doing the right thing and that is what is important.