Our Story

[ConflictedxAMillion]

I don't even know where to begin.  Our story probably mimics many of you out there.  My DD now 21 has been "different" since early, early childhood.  She's been in counseling since age 8, previously diagnosed with ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress... . and recently BPD at McLean by a psychologist.  She is text-book BPD exhibiting all nine characteristics.  I've read MANY books, participated in the NEABPD family-to-family 12 week group. Our lives have been one crisis after another (which also included her boyfriend killing his dad)... . She latches on to boyfriends that have nothing going for them, have no goals... . current one is just looking for a free ride at the expense of us... . and yes, I've enabled her by paying her rent, by giving her money.  She was/may still be a drug addict... . was doing heroin - I think she may still be... . definitely buys ALOT of pot... . and that comes before rent.  She was just fired last week (this is 4th firing in 2 years).  She seems to have no capacity for any kind of logic.  She went to rehab - signed herself out after 10 days.  She has stolen from us for years, including from her little sister (DD14)... . even took $2 out of an Easter card that her sister was given through the mail - and threw the card away.  Now she's swindling money out of both sets of grandparents... . telling them that she needs this or that and that I will pay them back and that I know all about it.  Many people in our family think BPD is just a label and she knows right from wrong and they don't recognize this as being a mental illness.  Drug abuse itself is now labeled as a mental illness.  Her behaviors are accomplishing what she fears most in life - being alone.  She doesn't see it/get it/understand it.

I am totally burned out with her.  She constantly occupies my mind.  I get so angry with her that I'm not able to respond the way the books and classes tell you too.  I'm so tired of being taken advantage of and lied to continuously.  It has been extremely difficult on my marriage to her step-dad and at times I did not think our marriage was going to survive it. (15 years).  I've been in counseling, we've been in counseling.  My yougest has been in counseling.  It really doesn't seem to help.  There's so much stigma here (Vermont). And we are so far behind the times.

I lost it with her yesterday after learning she swindled her paternal grandmother out of $60.  Then she had the audacity to ask me to pick somehting up for her to eat.  I told her she was scum and not to call me/us and not to come to our house or contact her sister.  She tried relentlessly to call me.  I turned off my phone.  After several hours I checked my phone and she had left many test messages saying she was going to kill herself.  I called the police and asked them to go do a welfare check and told them the situation.  The police know her quite well now as there have been MANY of these types of calls.

I used to be bound and determined to not let all this get the best of me.  But lately I feel like I just can't deal with it anymore.  I feel emotionally drained... . and then I feel terrible that I'm having such a hard time dealing with her as many times I feel like I'm all she's got.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Wow!  Your story sure does sound familiar.  Child is out of control.  Mom wants to help.  Child gets more out of control.  Mom feels guilty and obligated to help even more.  Child continues to be out of control.  Mom's heart is breaking and she continues to help.  Child spirals out of control and spends money on drugs/alcohol/clothes/shoes etc.  Mom pays rent and wonders why this child is demanding more and more of her.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I can feel how emotionally exhausted you are!  Sounds like you're at the end of your rope. 

One of the things these wonderful ladies have helped me with is to understand how very important boundaries are.  How much are you willing to give?  How much do you give and resent it?  I know it feels like you owe your daughter all the help she seems to need.  Set boundaries with love.  I love you sweety but I give you money for rent and watch you spend money on drugs.  This is how much I can give you and in return I expect xyz (not buying drugs, therapy, improving her life so she doesn't continue to need your help).  She is perfectly capable of making good decisions.  She has to be the one to decide not to use drugs, whether or not to get therapy etc.  I wonder how much you enable her and prevent her from having to make good choices.

I hope you enjoy your time here and learn as much as I have.  Best reads if you haven't already read them:  I don't have to make everything all better.  Stop Walking On Eggshells

[jojospal]

  Welcome to our forum ConflictedxAMillion.  

  My dd31 has become an addict as well. It just adds to the burden of pain  that we already carry because our children are so sick. Top that off with family that refuses to acknowledge mental illness in general and it becomes overwhelming.

  I don't speak to one of my sisters because of her interference. I was up front with all of my family from the moment my dd was diagnosed with BPD.

It got so worse once my dd started doing drugs. After telling her my dd was hooked on heroin,my sister told everyone in the family that I was doing nothing to help her. When I found out that my brother sent my dd 1000 dollars, 'for rent', I was livid. He was pretty mad too, when I told him of the situation. My dd had already been evicted and was shacking up with friends.

Yes, my dd hit bottom and it was very scary for all of us. She did go to rehab and she's been clean for almost half a year now. It only happened when she lost absolutely everything, including custody of her three children.

It is hard to set the boundaries with our BPD kids. A lot of the time, we feel we are on a battleground, desperately trying to just keep them alive. We love them that much. But, we also must learn for ourselves, how to live outside of the FOG.(Fear, Obligation and Guilt) because if we don't, BPD wins.

Once you learn the skills of communicating better with your dd, things will improve in your relationship. (really, yelling and calling her scum isn't so nice, but we've all been there)

As for other family members, realize that they are adults. Tell them the truth, that your daughter has a mental illness and that you suspect she is using drugs. Then, they can make an informed decision whether or not to give her money.

I think you did the absolute right thing in calling the police and requesting a welfare check. We deserve peace of mind every time in that regard.

   

[pessim-optimist]

Hi ConflictedxAMillion,  



Welcome to this board, I am glad that you found us. I hope you will find the answers to your questions here as this site has many resources and good discussions. I also hope that you will find some peace and support, as you seem to have been through a lot... .

I've read MANY books, participated in the NEABPD family-to-family 12 week group. Our lives have been one crisis after another... .

I used to be bound and determined to not let all this get the best of me.  But lately I feel like I just can't deal with it anymore.  I feel emotionally drained... . and then I feel terrible that I'm having such a hard time dealing with her as many times I feel like I'm all she's got.

I feel the pain in your post.  

It sounds to me from your post that you have been a very caring mom... . And you have already read books and participated in NEABPD.

Let me know if I am wrong - it seems to me that in the effort to help your dd, you have skipped some important steps: detaching and taking care of yourself, so you have the energy to help... .

I am totally burned out with her.  She constantly occupies my mind.  I get so angry with her that I'm not able to respond the way the books and classes tell you too.  I'm so tired of being taken advantage of and lied to continuously.  It has been extremely difficult on my marriage... .

For us to be able to help, we need to keep our own mental emotional and spiritual space... . If we are completely drained of energy and our lives are in chaos because of the pwBPD, we cannot be effective in helping them AND it is destroying our lives. That is a no-win situation, would you agree?

I hope this does not sound harsh - sometimes for things to improve, we need to reach our bottom, and realize that we cannot do it any more the way we tried before... .

So, as hard as it is, I think you are in a good place (even though it hurts SO MUCH right now)... .

Do you think you are ready to step back and take care of yourself first, so you can in the future help your dd?

[peaceplease]

Conflictedxamillion,

I can understand what you are going through.  My uBPDd is 29 and an addict.  Although, she really was not much of a problem as a child.  She started during teen years.  And, what teen doesn't exhibit problems?

It is important to set boundaries.  I know that I let that go by the wayside, recently.  I let my dd bully me because I felt guilty.  I felt guilty because, she is feeling abandoned.  Most of my time is consumed caring for my mother with dementia.  Many things recently exacerbated her illness.  I need to get out my resource books and dust them off.  I have all of the books recommended here.  It sounds like you have books, too.  Sometimes, we need to refresh our skills.  

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

conflicted   

My BPDDD is 27. I think she is struggling with stimulant dependency - super caffeine, nicotine, meth... . she pretty much does what is available, though says she doesn't do heroin even though she has friends that do. She is in a lot of legal trouble right now and is trying to build some friendships with the very few 'clean' friends she still has some contact with. I expect she will end up in jail and I cannot rescue her anymore. Boundaries are so very hard.

She has court at 9am tomorrow. She chose to go to town tonight, said she could get home on the bus. Now she is texting for me to pick her up. I am being strong and saying, sorry-you know what time the last bus runs and this is up to you. I have been getting support on my boundaries - just today even with my T. And reading books, articles, etc. again. I keep reminding myself that I have to give her back the responsibility for as many of her troubles as I can. And step out of the way of the consequences. If her life is threatened or she is medically ill, the I intervene by contact with police - wellness checks usually. And I do go with her to case worker meetings, court stuff, etc as she does have trouble understanding all the procedures and rules.

Only she can choose to get treatment for her mental illness and substance use/abuse. She knows what resources are surrounding her, where they are, how to get to them. And I suffer greatly when she stops just short of maintaining motivation to accept help from these professional and community groups.

So hard to understand myself - what gets in my way to do what I know I need to do, want to do? Why is this attachment to my DD so strong, even when I know it is in the way of her learning the lessons of her choices? and they are her choices, her problems. Not mine. What makes it so hard to give them back to her?  This seems to be what you are struggling so mightily with too.

Do you have a T or close friend that can help you refocus on giving your DD her problems back? Someone to get you out to do some fun things for yourself, even if just for a couple hours?

Let us know how you are doing. We are here to listen. to share stories. hope you can get some of what you need here.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

Wow! What a welcome party eh? Hi ConflictedxAMillion   I am so glad you have found us.

You have come to a safe place here. I can 'hear' the hurt in your words. It's hard being the mum of a dd with BPD, isn't it? My dd is 32. She has had issues with drugs, but I don't think she has serious issues at the moment (but I could be wrong - we don't know much of her life). Unlike your dd her way of coping with her parents is to have either no contact or limited contacted. That's a whole different ball game - and has different sorts of pain and hurt.

You have some sound skills to build on I expect. With your course and the books. If I can, I would like to suggest three books that are very highly recommended. I know it's bold of me to jump right in and start 'telling you what to do', it's just that I can 'hear' a sound of urgency in your words and I know how helpful these books can be and because they are books you can pick them up and put them down at any time.

"Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr. This is a general BPD book that has some excellent introductory information about acceptance, validation and mentalisation for example. This book is easy to read and it speaks to the heart of a mother because it is, I believe written by a mother of a BPD daughter. Porr started the Tara Centre in NY which also offers courses for parents to help with their kids.

"Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend. This book is not about BPD, but is a general self help book about boundaries. It takes the reader through the what boundaries are all about so that it can sit comfortably with us.

"I don't have to make it all better" by G & J Lundberg. This is not about BPD either but about validation. It was written some time ago, so it's become a classic. I think it is also excellent, as do many of the mums here.

I don't expect you have read these books, please tell me if I'm wrong.

OK ConflictedxAMillion, please let me reassure you, you don't have to be conflicted here. We're here to support you in any way we can.

we care,

Vivek        

[js friend]

Hi conflictedxAmillion  

I can sure relate to your story. Been there done that ... . luckily without the drugs though. I dont know what I would do if I knew for sure that drugs were involved and I admire the strength of the parents here on these boards who know their children are using.

But from what I do know about pwBPD behaviour Im with you that Sometimes IT IS just too much too think about.

I knew for  myself that I had to take a step back when i found myself talking about what dd had done or said relentlessly. I was wearing myself out just listening to myself but by putting boundries in place things slowly began to change.

The grandparents were very reluctant to see that dd's behaviour was anything other than teen behaviour, and dd would often milk it for all it was worth(getting money from one set of grandparets while pleading broke to the other set), but now they have all wised up and I have to tell you that dd18 is doing much better. you need everyone to be thinking alomg the same lines when it comes to supporting a pwBPD otherwise they will try to put a wedge between you all in order to get their needs met.

Also it is important to make some quality time for yourself Cxam.It was so hard at first but by not making myself available to my dd all the time has seemed to work out in the long  run.

I remember the first time I took a day out away from home i stayed local just incase of some emergencey and all i did was think about my dd, but  little by little I began to take more of these trips, and lenghtened them, and the further I was away from home the more I began to relax and enjoy them. It was baby steps for both of us I suppose.

Let us know how you are doing when you can Conflicted... . and take care