BPDaughter hosted baby shower

[kelmeg]

Well PBDD showed up at the baby shower and completely ignored my other daughter and I, she did throw several angry stares at my nonBP dd's Friend.  After the shower we took my mom back to the retirement home.  My BPDD showed up to visit, but would not come in the room after seeing me in there. She sat in the hallway, so I got up to leave so she could visit with her grandparents. When I opened the door, she was in the hallway, crying.  I asked her what was wrong, she said she was tired of our family being so dysfunctional.  I told her I was to and maybe her and I could go to counseling together, she said, no.  I broke down and told her I loved her and I wanted us to be a family again, she said that was never going to happen, that she is 30 years old and she doesn't need me.  I said, I will always be your mother, she said, You have never been a mother to me.  WOW, that really hurt. My nonBP DD came out and told BPDD how much we love her and to stop this behavior, All BPDD could do was find fault with me so both daughters got into a fight and BPDD stomped off.  Pretty typical scenario.  So upsetting though.  I have to give to Jesus.  He is the only one who can help her now.  I've done everything to make amends.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Kelmeg:  I broke down and told her I loved her and I wanted us to be a family again

What a beautiful thing to say to your daughter.  I am sorry that she is not ready to accept how you reached out to her and I am sure it was very hurtful.  Sometimes I guess we have to let go and hope and pray they find their way.  You will always be there for her and deep inside she knows this.  I think it is good that she sees that the family is disfunctional even if she is not ready to accept her part in it.  Hopefully at some point she will.

Griz

[jojospal]

  Actions speak louder than words. The fact your dd knew you were going to be at the retirement home and showed up there herself, kind of tells me she wanted to be near you.

  You got to tell her that you love her.  Underneath all the crap she spewed back at you, she heard those words. Yes, it hurts that she cannot reciprocate and that is the big difference between loving a BPDdd and one that is healthy.

  Accepting fully that your dd is ill and then doing the work for yourself, to learn how better to communicate with her, to learn not to be so reactive to her mean words or strange behaviors, and knowing in your heart that you are a good mom and  continue  to do the best that you can.

[peaceplease]

kelmeg,

Yes, your dd heard you when you told her that you loved her.  I know it hurt when she said that you were never a mom to her.  My dd yelled at me during a rage that I was no longer her mother.  Then she stormed out of here and kept calling, but I would not answer because I knew she would be hateful.  I turned my phone off.  She sent me numerous texts.  I was really hurt, but I knew deep down that it was a combo of BPD and her not being stabilized on meds.   And, I knew that she did a lot of projecting in her rage.  It is hard, but we can't take it personally.   This to shall pass... .  

peaceplease

[muffetbuffet]

It is hard, but we can't take it personally.   peaceplease

I too have been at that horrible place this week.  Daughter told my  husband and I that we are no longer her parents (we adopted her almost nine yrs. ago).  After taking a deep breath, I reassured her that she was lucky enough to have two mothers who love her.  One gave birth to her and one is raising her.  She continues to say that we are not her parents along with many other hurtful things right now.  We are dealing with refusal for meds and therapy right now so she is not at a stable place.  Some days it is hard to muster the energy to let these hurtful things just not bother us.  Only through experience have we learned that the less emotional you are in responding to her hurtful things, the quicker she moves on.  Being disconnected emotionally is helpful for my husband and I plus we are not feeding into her negative behaviors.  Every night we say we love you before going to bed.  Sometimes we get an "ok" or "yeah" but at least we don't get yelled at

[Kg]

I'm sorry.  I am the mother of a 31 year old daughter with BPD.  I too am leaning hard on Jesus to try and cope with her. 

Prayers your way!

[angeldust1]

Oh Muffett,

I can't imagine adopting a child,  with all that goes with it,  and having them turn so horribly on you.  I feel you pain and wish I could give you hug   right now and tell you it will all be  better soon.  But unfortunately I can't and don't know if it ever will be.  Just know that the Lord knows what you have done for her,  even if she never recognizes it herself.

I know how much this must hurt,  but you have to constantly remind yourself,  that this is not about you,  it is about her.  You did nothing to cause this disorder,  or had anything what so ever to do with it.   Her  birth mother may have had BPD.  How could you possibly know. 

Just hang in there,  it warm and fuzzy here,  and we all understand,  support you and care about you.