Hello everyone

[Blonde Mermaid]

I recently read the "stop walking on egg shells" book and I feel I am drowning.  I want to talk to more people that I know that are going through the same thing I am.

I used to think my mother was neurotic-obsessive, conflicting and negative, but that she had a very complex personality to be diagnosed with an specific disorder.

Over the years I have wanted her to change and see how severe her problem was.  But she has never wanted to go to therapy, and as the book points out, the ones that end up having counseling are the relatives of people with BPD.

My brother has developed some techniques to sort of have a good relationship with her.  Fine, but he isn't doing any good to her by telling her she is ok and the rest of the world is wrong.  Plus she sucks the life out of him, he has become her personal "counselor"

I refuse now, to sit down and listen to nonsense conversations about people that died years ago, or about problems that happened in past years.

He says that's the way she allows him to have a life.  With me it has always been a different story, although my mother is a highly functional BPD, we have endured critical moments when she has her episodes of depression, anger and paranoia.  Then she apologizes afterwards and cries and says we are good kids and she will change.

She never does.  Although i have to admit she is a bit better than she used to be in past years.

I have always known to some degree she had a mental disorder.  But my brother kept convincing me that the key was not to seek problems and just agree on everything she says.  But i always knew that wasn't the solution.

I have tried to escape many times from her and i have traveled, stayed with friends and very recently I moved in with my boyfriend in another country.  I was away from her for 7 months.

Sadly I had to come back to my country of origin in order to renew a visa.

So i am back with her for some months.  I used to think (as she has been very supportive with my relationship)

that she had missed me and she was happy to see me.  (Mind you when I came back three months ago, I still didnt know she had BPD.  I just found out a couple of days ago)

So instead of behaving like a normal mother, she started to have a go at me over stupid things, then she would say insults again, that someone probably put me against her and it has come to the point where I just drive away in my car and i end up eating alone at a restaurant, then i come back to the house at night, just to sleep.

Sometimes I have even eaten in my car at a parking lot.  Like a homeless person.


I asked a friend of mine to rent me a room, as i am going to stay here until the end of this year.  I have gotten a job and I have some savings.  I begged her to help me.  She said no.  She said all mothers were the same and that I was upset because I missed my boyfriend and that was it.  That she recently broke up with a boyfriend of hers and she took the furniture she had bought for him, and as her house was packed with furniture she had no space for me

i also looked for an apartment nearby my job and a friend of mine advertised me about the owner of those apartments, he said to me, he lived there for a couple of years and that when he left the owner didn't return the deposit money he had given for repairs that were never done to the apartment.

Desperate, i asked for answers, and this book, came to me by a friend of mine, that dealed with a friend with BPD.

a couple of days ago.  I read it in one go and then I felt quite desperate and depressed.

At least I know now the reality of my life and my family.  And it is so hard to admit, you are the daughter of a mentally ill person.

My dad died 14 years ago, he always sort of denied she had a problem, and he protected us in his very own way, but i think it wasn't enough.  i think he should have divorced her and taken us with him, but i guess he was too afraid.

I want to have kids but away from her.  I wouldn't allow her to contaminate them the way she did to me and my brother.

Any thoughts you might have for me, would be greatly appreciated!

I am sorry if my English is not perfect.  It is my second language.

thanks and God bless you all

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Blond Mermaid,

I responded to you in another thread earlier.  I am glad you posted your own thread.  That takes a lot of courage!  It was a big step for me in learning how to walk out of the darkness and confusion I was feeling.  Like you, I believe my Mom has BPD.  I always felt like something was 'off' with her, but I never could put my finger on it.

It is still a new realization for me, so I am learning how to respond to her without getting drawn too much into the drama.  She seems to focus on negativity a LOT, in her life and the lives of others.  She also seems to almost always have some kind of physical ailment.  I realize now she has probably been in a large amount of emotional pain for a very long time.

The relationship with her has had a profound effect on my intimate relationships with others into my adult life.

I recommended earlier that you start posting on this board:

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw

You will find people there who understand and can help.  You also might look at the Staying Board as well to read suggestions on how to communicate better with your Mom and set boundaries for yourself.

I'm glad you found us.

Phoenix.Rising

[Blonde Mermaid]

Hello  Phoenix.Rising  i saw your comment on the other thread.  thank you for your warm welcome, I think you and i have a lot in common i am sorry to hear your mother has affected your relationships with other people i hope you know now, how much you are worth as a person and that no one has the right to destroy your self esteem.

Question, do you still live with her?

[Sitara]

It is hard, but keep on trying to figure out what you want and need!  I've found it very helpful to read and post here.  Remember, it's not you, even though she will try and tell you it is.  My only advice is, be very careful of what help you ask for or receive from her.  She will hold it over your head later on.  At one point, I had to stay at her home for one month.  Later I was told that she "so graciously let me live with her" and what did I do while I was there other than eat her food and lay around?  We also borrowed money from her (which we originally said no, but were pestered about it until we finally accepted), which she said we could just pay back anytime, no hurry.  Then she told my husband that she was thinking about not making us pay back the debt, but the same day she told me that if we didn't pay back we were just blood-sucking relatives.  Later that turned into we should have been checking in at least once a month with her to make sure it was still okay that we didn't need to pay it back yet, or should have set up a payment plan, "and when we borrowed money from our parents, we paid back with interest... . "  Every time I turned around things changed and I could keep track of what the new expectations were.  So basically, you can do it without her help, you can think of other options you hadn't thought of before (sometimes with the help of friends), and things will get better.

[Blonde Mermaid]

hi Sitara, I have started another topic where I tell my experience living with my BPD mother. 

The Dr. Jekyll, My Hyde one.

The problem with my mother is that she is a highly functional BPD and sometimes the line between normality and abnormality is quite blurry when it comes to her.  I have always fought for my rights and one thing i have been listening to ever since I was a kid is "You always get your way"  or "You always relate to whoever you want"

Because even if she has given me grief over a friend for example, I manage to keep the friendship and prove her that this friend wasn't a potential source of problems, like she had advised me in the past.

It has been emotionally draining though, to get my way within the years.  Stupid things like buying a computer was a cause of arguments between my mother and both my brother and I.

What do you guys need a computer for? Can't you just go to cyber cafes?  A computer in the house is a temptation for robbers.  If they know we have such a valuable object at home they will rob the house.

(yeah she can be irrational like that)

eventually we got two computers and two cars.  But I have always felt it wasn't fair to fight for rights we should have had by default.

Over the years I have been less and less connected to her emotionally, to the point where she doesn't move me anymore when she cries about her past.

When she seems to be "alright" she tries desperately to have a relationship with me, but sadly, I am not interested anymore.  My only purpose now is to cut ties the best way possible and stop her from taking advantage of my brother.  He has become her personal psychologist and sometimes he has even had a go at me because he says I am not a team player anymore.

That we are supposed to be a family and a team... .

I tell him he and I will always be a team, but that trying to team up and help my mother is a lost cause now.

Unless, of course, one day she wakes up and decides to seek for professional help.

Thank you all for your support

[GeekyGirl]

It has been emotionally draining though, to get my way within the years.  Stupid things like buying a computer was a cause of arguments between my mother and both my brother and I.

What do you guys need a computer for? Can't you just go to cyber cafes?  A computer in the house is a temptation for robbers.  If they know we have such a valuable object at home they will rob the house.

(yeah she can be irrational like that)

eventually we got two computers and two cars.  But I have always felt it wasn't fair to fight for rights we should have had by default.

You shouldn't have to fight for what you spend your money on--you're absolutely right. Have you had a chance to read up on SET yet? This is a good tool to use to explain your point to your mother while you make it clear that you're considering her point of view: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth. I'd say something like, "Mom, I understand that you don't feel that we need a computer, and I sense that you're worried about our safety. Still, this is a tool that I need."

My only purpose now is to cut ties the best way possible and stop her from taking advantage of my brother.  He has become her personal psychologist and sometimes he has even had a go at me because he says I am not a team player anymore.

That we are supposed to be a family and a team... .

It's very kind of you to want to help your brother. It does sound like he's enmeshed. Still, it is his choice to stay, and it's up to him to decide how he will interact with your mother. You could point him to this site, or suggest he work on himself, but if he chooses to be her personal psychologist, or keep up an unhealthy dynamic, that's his decision. How can you keep your relationship with him strong without compromising what's good for you?

[Blonde Mermaid]

It's very kind of you to want to help your brother. It does sound like he's enmeshed. Still, it is his choice to stay, and it's up to him to decide how he will interact with your mother. You could point him to this site, or suggest he work on himself, but if he chooses to be her personal psychologist, or keep up an unhealthy dynamic, that's his decision. How can you keep your relationship with him strong without compromising what's good for you?

Well I have asked him to read the "stop walking on egg shells" book.  After that we will discuss things.

I wish I could take him with me, but my future husband and I won't be able to look after him for a while, until we settle together in England.  My boyfriend and my brother absolutely love each other.  Actually, my boyfriend is the one that has suggested that in near future my bro could come and live with us for a while, to see if he likes the country and the life over there.

When i tell my bro the plans we have for him, he says we are being "unrealistic" and that we should care about ourselves first.  That he is fine and points out that he has "absolutely no problems" with our mom and that it is me the one that triggers her anger episodes.  

He wants to go for a visit once I am married but he says he will perhaps move countries once my mother has died.  Heh... . she is 55... . if she lives up to 75 years... . is he gonna live with her for 20 years more, after I leave? oh God, please no... .

To some degree, he is still in denial.  Both our relationships with our mother are dysfunctional.  Mine is the conflicting one, his, is the codependent one.

[GeekyGirl]

When i tell my bro the plans we have for him, he says we are being "unrealistic" and that we should care about ourselves first.  That he is fine and points out that he has "absolutely no problems" with our mom and that it is me the one that triggers her anger episodes.  

He wants to go for a visit once I am married but he says he will perhaps move countries once my mother has died.  Heh... . she is 55... . if she lives up to 75 years... . is he gonna live with her for 20 years more, after I leave? oh God, please no... .

To some degree, he is still in denial.  Both our relationships with our mother are dysfunctional.  Mine is the conflicting one, his, is the codependent one.

I wouldn't want my brother to live like that either. This has to be very painful for you to watch.   At the same time, though, your brother is being very clear about what he wants. It doesn't seem like a healthy lifestyle, but that's his choice. You've given him some good material by asking him to read Stop Walking on Eggshells, but you have to be prepared for him to decide to keep things the way they are. Would you keep up your relationship with your brother if he stays with your mother for another 20 years?

[Blonde Mermaid]

I wouldn't want my brother to live like that either. This has to be very painful for you to watch.  Empathy At the same time, though, your brother is being very clear about what he wants. It doesn't seem like a healthy lifestyle, but that's his choice. You've given him some good material by asking him to read Stop Walking on Eggshells, but you have to be prepared for him to decide to keep things the way they are. Would you keep up your relationship with your brother if he stays with your mother for another 20 years?

Of course, even i am more and more detached from my mother every time, my relationship with my brother will never be destroyed.  When I lived in England with my boyfriend, I was always in touch with him.

He knows all my confidential numbers (credit card, debit card) so when I used for example my credit card over there i was confident enough to send him money so he would pay them.  (I also sent some extra money for him as a thank you for his help)

Also, we share the same career, so sometimes I would even send him work that was sent to me by my freelance clients. I have found work for him in the past as well. HE is an excellent brother, he always appreciates what I do for him. 

We have worked together at agencies before.  There is nothing or anyone that will ever separate us.

As for his future, according to the women he dates  I can sense that my brother gets engaged in relationships with conflicting women because he still feels responsible for my mother, so i can foresee him marrying a conflicting girl and then dragging her into the whole psychology session dynamic he has with my mom.  

Maybe this girl will even feel that my mother is giving her counseling as well

(She can be very good and functional when she gives advice to people)

And I don't know! he will feel he is useful to both his wife and mother?

He is a graphics designer not a damn psychologist!

Whenever he tells me his latest relationship with a girl has failed, i feel  very disheartened!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Blonde Mermaid,

I do not live with my mother.  I have been on my own for over 20 years now.  I went through a period of no contact with my mom (my choice) that lasted several years.  This has been several years back and I did not know anything about BPD at the time.  I just knew that I felt like the very life was being sucked out of me. 

I've realized over time that it's usually best if I keep my conversations with her fairly surface and my time with her fairly brief.  She is my mother, and I love her, but she has zero boundaries, and it's still easy for me to fall into dramas and pains.  Most of the comments that come out of her mouth are negative and she is always in some kind of physical pain.  I realize now that she is, and has been, in a lot of emotional pain for a long time.  But that is not my problem. 

I believe I wanted to fix her when I was growing up, and I took that mindset into my later relationships with women I dated.  Now I realize I have to fix myself by putting my needs first and setting boundaries.  We have the power as to how much influence we allow our mothers to have over our lives when we become adults.  As children, not so much, because we had no where else to go.  I think you're doing great.  Keep posting.