A highly functional Dr. Jekyll, people don't think there is a Mr. Hyde

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Years ago,

the way I used to explain to people about my mother's erratic behavior was comparing her to some sort of Dr. Jekyll, My Hyde kinda personality.

I wasn't wrong.  She is indeed Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in one person.  When I read the "stop walking on egg shells" book, they also use the same character to define people with BPD. I couldn't believe it when I was reading it... . i was like yeah! that's exactly it!

I felt so identified with the authors when they describe people with BPD that I remember thinking "so there is a diagnose for a person like my mother"

I used to consider her a neurotic.  Actually, my brother and I had a secret nickname for her when she had her nonsense rants years ago when we were kids... . we used to call her " Mrs. Neuras" (admittedly sometimes we still call her that)

Then later on I considered the possibility of her being a bipolar person.  I did some research and the symptoms didn't match with hers so I dropped the idea.

The problem I have with Dr. Jekyll is that she is a highly functional BPD, she has even fooled a couple of psychologists in her life.

I am reading here about people that seem to have severe cases of BPD and I know now why she has fooled many people in her life, including my father brother and I, by making us believe she is just a conflicting stressed neurotic person that 70% of the time functions correctly.  And that there is hope for her improving within the years. (when there's not)

She seems to be more functional than most people with BPD that's why it has taken me so long to finally realize what she suffers from.

To some degree I always knew she had a disorder.  But I didn't know exactly what it was.

I had asked her to see a therapist many many times and she has always refused and here's why.

She comes from a dysfunctional family, as horrible as you can imagine.  Abusive father, a very insane mother and very traumatized siblings.  Two of her brothers abused her sexually as a kid (Another indicator that she is indeed a BPD)

Her personality I think now, was distorted from a young age.  She meets my father when she is 18 (he was 25 years older than her) and i believe he felt he could rescue such an unfortunate girl, I mean, after all,

What could he lose? he was a man in his mid 40's that had never been married nor had kids. 

Maybe this girl was the perfect opportunity to finally have a family.

Maybe he could "fix her"?

When she married, her family started a hate campaign against my poor father. They told everyone she was marrying a decrepit old man that was either gay or sterile because he didn't have any kids and had never been married.

The reality was very different.  My father was a very handsome man that always looked younger than he really was.  He was a professor and he had a house and a job.

My aunties were secretly jealous of my mother, as they didn't fight for the men they loved and they ended up marrying guys they didn't love, just for the sake of having a family.

This is the only time when my mother seeked for help because she was fighting hard to not lose my father.

So she started going to therapy.  The stupid doctor that treated her, taught her about Transactional Analysis

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

And made her believe she was fine, her husband was fine and her family was wrong.  He made her believe she could heal her own life by following the principles of T.A.

I wonder now, if he was fooled by Dr. Jekyll and didn't realize my mother wasn't really ready to start a family.

that my mother didn't need to learn about TA, that she needed therapy for many years in order to overcome for real everything she had lived.

My mother says that my grandmother's favorite insult for her was "you are mentally ill, you are crazy, you are insane"

My mother's psychologist was the first person with moral authority that told her that she indeed she was fine.  Well, compared to her sick brothers and her very insane parents, my mother seemed to be the sane one.

My Dad tried to be a positive influence in our lives, but he never knew how to stop her nor he knew how to ask for help.  Sadly he died when I was 20 and my brother was 17.

My mother grieved in a horrible way, her world fell apart, she told us she didn't care about us, she held on to things that belonged to my father.  She forgot we were also suffering from the loss.

Once she started saying such horrible things to my brother and i that he came to sleep in my room, I have a bunk bed, so he was sleeping on the top one and I was on the bottom one, when my mother started shouting insults to both of us, standing on the door frame, my brother put his arm down the bed so i could reach his hand, when I held it he said to me "At least we have each other"

That is something I will never forget  :'(

The problem my brother and I have now is that my mother follows faithfully the principles of TA and she is devoted to what that psychologist taught her.  (This man is dead now by the way)

She says that what she learned from this man was enough to fix her life.  And that if we ask her to go see another psychologist we are reinforcing what her own mother told her and we aren't doing her a favor.

A friend of mine that is also a psychologist was also fooled by her, she told me my mother perhaps was in a permanent state of "neurosis" and "stress" and couldn't cope with her frustration and her past.

That my grandad was probably a BPD.  Jackpot! my friend was close to the right diagnose, if it wasn't because my mother started to alienate her and we stopped seeing each other I am pretty sure she would have handed me the egg shells book sooner.

Over the years I have been confused about talking about this to people outside the family (my only family is my brother, he)

Because many people have a very different opinion of her.  She has shown the Dr. JEkyll side to many people for many years.  So telling people she is indeed Mr. Hyde at times, and that she can be very bad and cruel in terms of the things she has said to us or that she is so paranoid she feels people attack her is a difficult task.

I often see the disappointment in my friend's faces when I tell them the reality of my life.  I have always enjoyed having friends to come over, have dinner and talk to my family since my brother and I share many friends in common.  My mother would be all smiles and would treat my friends in a very nice way.

But she is a scanner... . she scans people and "records" everything the person says.

So once that friend is gone, behind close doors she would start using psychological terms to define that friend and why this friend is doing things wrong.  And we all should participate in such analysis.

Or if a friend or the partner of one of my friends say something out of the blue "they disrespected her"

Even now, she reminds us of people that have "disrespected her in the past"

My father would joke with us and say "Everything you say to your mother can and will be used against you"

That wasn't a joke, that was the sad reality of our lives with her.  The book even mentions the "everything you say" thing.


I want your thoughts on this, because despite the fact I havent endured such a cruel reality like most people here because my mother has a mild case of BPD i feel like parts of my life have been stolen from me and my brother, that all that energy we have invested in her trying to make her change, talking for hours about people, jobs, etc, i think have gone to waste.

The most dangerous thing about someone that doesn't suffer from a very evident case of BPD is that this person can fool people, psychologists, and then it comes a time when you feel lost and you wonder, really? is it me? how come everyone tells me to be patient and love my mother, that all she needs is love, when in reality, the void BPD people carry within themselves cant be filled with anything?

I have been talking more to people about her.  Now my friends nod and sadly imply she really needs professional help.  Disappointed as hell, because they used to think she was a super cool, liberal mom.

I have had to go through the shame of telling them what she says about them behind closed doors so they understand why i don't invite them to the house anymore.

It is sad yes, but it's also liberating... . Any advice for me would be greatly appreciated.

English is not my first language, so please excuse my mistakes

[Blonde Mermaid]

Years ago,

the way I used to explain to people about my mother's erratic behavior was comparing her to some sort of Dr. Jekyll, My Hyde kinda personality.

I wasn't wrong.  She is indeed Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in one person.  When I read the "stop walking on egg shells" book, they also use the same character to define people with BPD. I couldn't believe it when I was reading it... . i was like yeah! that's exactly it!

I felt so identified with the authors when they describe people with BPD that I remember thinking "so there is a diagnose for a person like my mother"

I used to consider her a neurotic.  Actually, my brother and I had a secret nickname for her when she had her nonsense rants years ago when we were kids... . we used to call her " Mrs. Neuras" (admittedly sometimes we still call her that)

Then later on I considered the possibility of her being a bipolar person.  I did some research and the symptoms didn't match with hers so I dropped the idea.

The problem I have with Dr. Jekyll is that she is a highly functional BPD, she has even fooled a couple of psychologists in her life.

I am reading here about people that seem to have severe cases of BPD and I know now why she has fooled many people in her life, including my father brother and I, by making us believe she is just a conflicting stressed neurotic person that 70% of the time functions correctly.  And that there is hope for her improving within the years. (when there's not)

She seems to be more functional than most people with BPD that's why it has taken me so long to finally realize what she suffers from.

To some degree I always knew she had a disorder.  But I didn't know exactly what it was.

I had asked her to see a therapist many many times and she has always refused and here's why.

She comes from a dysfunctional family, as horrible as you can imagine.  Abusive father, a very insane mother and very traumatized siblings.  Two of her brothers abused her sexually as a kid (Another indicator that she is indeed a BPD)

Her personality I think now, was distorted from a young age.  She meets my father when she is 18 (he was 25 years older than her) and i believe he felt he could rescue such an unfortunate girl, I mean, after all,

What could he lose? he was a man in his mid 40's that had never been married nor had kids. 

Maybe this girl was the perfect opportunity to finally have a family.

Maybe he could "fix her"?

When she married, her family started a hate campaign against my poor father. They told everyone she was marrying a decrepit old man that was either gay or sterile because he didn't have any kids and had never been married.

The reality was very different.  My father was a very handsome man that always looked younger than he really was.  He was a professor and he had a house and a job.

My aunties were secretly jealous of my mother, as they didn't fight for the men they loved and they ended up marrying guys they didn't love, just for the sake of having a family.

This is the only time when my mother seeked for help because she was fighting hard to not lose my father.

So she started going to therapy.  The stupid doctor that treated her, taught her about Transactional Analysis

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

And made her believe she was fine, her husband was fine and her family was wrong.  He made her believe she could heal her own life by following the principles of T.A.

I wonder now, if he was fooled by Dr. Jekyll and didn't realize my mother wasn't really ready to start a family.

that my mother didn't need to learn about TA, that she needed therapy for many years in order to overcome for real everything she had lived.

My mother says that my grandmother's favorite insult for her was "you are mentally ill, you are crazy, you are insane"

My mother's psychologist was the first person with moral authority that told her that she indeed she was fine.  Well, compared to her sick brothers and her very insane parents, my mother seemed to be the sane one.

My Dad tried to be a positive influence in our lives, but he never knew how to stop her nor he knew how to ask for help.  Sadly he died when I was 20 and my brother was 17.

My mother grieved in a horrible way, her world fell apart, she told us she didn't care about us, she held on to things that belonged to my father.  She forgot we were also suffering from the loss.

Once she started saying such horrible things to my brother and i that he came to sleep in my room, I have a bunk bed, so he was sleeping on the top one and I was on the bottom one, when my mother started shouting insults to both of us, standing on the door frame, my brother put his arm down the bed so i could reach his hand, when I held it he said to me "At least we have each other"

That is something I will never forget  :'(

The problem my brother and I have now is that my mother follows faithfully the principles of TA and she is devoted to what that psychologist taught her.  (This man is dead now by the way)

She says that what she learned from this man was enough to fix her life.  And that if we ask her to go see another psychologist we are reinforcing what her own mother told her and we aren't doing her a favor.

A friend of mine that is also a psychologist was also fooled by her, she told me my mother perhaps was in a permanent state of "neurosis" and "stress" and couldn't cope with her frustration and her past.

That my grandad was probably a BPD.  Jackpot! my friend was close to the right diagnose, if it wasn't because my mother started to alienate her and we stopped seeing each other I am pretty sure she would have handed me the egg shells book sooner.

Over the years I have been confused about talking about this to people outside the family (my only family is my brother, he)

Because many people have a very different opinion of her.  She has shown the Dr. JEkyll side to many people for many years.  So telling people she is indeed Mr. Hyde at times, and that she can be very bad and cruel in terms of the things she has said to us or that she is so paranoid she feels people attack her is a difficult task.

I often see the disappointment in my friend's faces when I tell them the reality of my life.  I have always enjoyed having friends to come over, have dinner and talk to my family since my brother and I share many friends in common.  My mother would be all smiles and would treat my friends in a very nice way.

But she is a scanner... . she scans people and "records" everything the person says.

So once that friend is gone, behind close doors she would start using psychological terms to define that friend and why this friend is doing things wrong.  And we all should participate in such analysis.

Or if a friend or the partner of one of my friends say something out of the blue "they disrespected her"

Even now, she reminds us of people that have "disrespected her in the past"

My father would joke with us and say "Everything you say to your mother can and will be used against you"

That wasn't a joke, that was the sad reality of our lives with her.  The book even mentions the "everything you say" thing.


I want your thoughts on this, because despite the fact I havent endured such a cruel reality like most people here because my mother has a mild case of BPD i feel like parts of my life have been stolen from me and my brother, that all that energy we have invested in her trying to make her change, talking for hours about people, jobs, etc, i think have gone to waste.

The most dangerous thing about someone that doesn't suffer from a very evident case of BPD is that this person can fool people, psychologists, and then it comes a time when you feel lost and you wonder, really? is it me? how come everyone tells me to be patient and love my mother, that all she needs is love, when in reality, the void BPD people carry within themselves cant be filled with anything?

I have been talking more to people about her.  Now my friends nod and sadly imply she really needs professional help.  Disappointed as hell, because they used to think she was a super cool, liberal mom.

I have had to go through the shame of telling them what she says about them behind closed doors so they understand why i don't invite them to the house anymore.

It is sad yes, but it's also liberating... . Any advice for me would be greatly appreciated.

English is not my first language, so please excuse my mistakes

[GeekyGirl]

It can be infuriating and invalidating when someone with BPD presents himself/herself in public in a calm, civilized manner and then changes completely at home. I know the frustration you've described, and the ":)r. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde" dynamic is a good way to explain how someone with BPD can behave very differently in private.

Once she started saying such horrible things to my brother and i that he came to sleep in my room, I have a bunk bed, so he was sleeping on the top one and I was on the bottom one, when my mother started shouting insults to both of us, standing on the door frame, my brother put his arm down the bed so i could reach his hand, when I held it he said to me "At least we have each other"

The problem my brother and I have now is that my mother follows faithfully the principles of TA and she is devoted to what that psychologist taught her.  (This man is dead now by the way)

How is your relationship with your brother now? How can you help each other heal from your upbringing?

The most dangerous thing about someone that doesn't suffer from a very evident case of BPD is that this person can fool people, psychologists, and then it comes a time when you feel lost and you wonder, really? is it me? how come everyone tells me to be patient and love my mother, that all she needs is love, when in reality, the void BPD people carry within themselves cant be filled with anything?

There are a few things that can help, but sadly, there's no easy "quick fix," as much as I wish there was. Therapy can be incredible. It's work, but it can teach you to respect yourself and work on that "is it me?" self-doubt.

Many people who didn't grow up with someone with BPD or don't understand what BPD is won't understand what you've been through. For them, it's natural to be patient and love your mother. In reality, you and I know that it takes more than love to keep that relationship going. I've learned to set boundaries with not just my mother, but with the people who push me to do things I'm not comfortable with. I'm also very selective about who I talk to about my mother--it's not something I talk to casual acquaintances with, or even some friends. The friends who do understand (or, bless their hearts try to understand) know not to push me to do anything I'm not comfortable with.

Do you still visit with the friends that don't visit your house anymore? Can you keep your friendships separate from your relationship with your mother?

[Blonde Mermaid]

How is your relationship with your brother now? How can you help each other heal from your upbringing?

Hi Geeky girl I appreciate you reading my whole post.  Well my brother and I are and will always be best friends.

We have worked on healing stuff from the past together.  For some reason my mother has never interfered with the special bond we share.  I have seen other BPD moms that alienate their kids and make them enemies among themselves.

So I know it could be worse, much worse.  At least she respects our relationship and if we share things between us, she is never bothered by that.

Nevertheless , what concerns me is that my bro has become her personal psychologist.  I keep telling him that's not his responsibility and I refuse now to take part of the stupid conversations that have no end.

Or the "therapy sessions" between them.  Sometimes i can hear she even whispers to him stuff like "you sister did this or she said that"

I listen to my brother saying "she is all right, leave her alone"

He says, that his technique helps him to have a life out there, because if he talks to her and makes her believe things are all right she acts functional and supports him in whatever thing he might do.

(yeah, but having freedom shouldn't have a price)

There are a few things that can help, but sadly, there's no easy "quick fix," as much as I wish there was. Therapy can be incredible. It's work, but it can teach you to respect yourself and work on that "is it me?" self-doubt.

Many people who didn't grow up with someone with BPD or don't understand what BPD is won't understand what you've been through. For them, it's natural to be patient and love your mother. In reality, you and I know that it takes more than love to keep that relationship going. I've learned to set boundaries with not just my mother, but with the people who push me to do things I'm not comfortable with. I'm also very selective about who I talk to about my mother--it's not something I talk to casual acquaintances with, or even some friends. The friends who do understand (or, bless their hearts try to understand) know not to push me to do anything I'm not comfortable with.

Do you still visit with the friends that don't visit your house anymore? Can you keep your friendships separate from your relationship with your mother?

Of course.  She has never stopped me from seeing someone I wanna see.

Some things I usually hear from her are "You always get your way, you relate to whoever you want"

"Your father made you this way, rebellious against me, you don't respect me... . etc etc"

I have learned, the bad way to not share my friends with her anymore.  Sometimes she would act in such great way I started inviting people over again. Because she would even offer dinner to them, or she would say things like, invite your friend over! we can buy takeaway for all of us.

Many times for many years we kept falling in the bear trap :P

Then of course, eventually someone would always "disrespect" her or the house or any of us (according to her dissociation)

Then I would blame myself and think "this is my fault, i brought the friend here, i never seem to learn my lesson"

Something quite funny is that she seems to like our boyfriend's/girlfriend's and she doesn't see them as rivals, but as potential new members of the family.  Sometimes she complains I don't allow her to say hello to my boyfriend on skype anymore.  

There is no quick fix i know.  And as sad as it sounds, every time I keep caring less and less for her,

I am just concerned about my brother once I leave the country again.