Years ago,
the way I used to explain to people about my mother's erratic behavior was comparing her to some sort of Dr. Jekyll, My Hyde kinda personality.
I wasn't wrong. She is indeed Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in one person. When I read the "stop walking on egg shells" book, they also use the same character to define people with BPD. I couldn't believe it when I was reading it... . i was like yeah! that's exactly it!
I felt so identified with the authors when they describe people with BPD that I remember thinking "so there is a diagnose for a person like my mother"
I used to consider her a neurotic. Actually, my brother and I had a secret nickname for her when she had her nonsense rants years ago when we were kids... . we used to call her " Mrs. Neuras" (admittedly sometimes we still call her that)
Then later on I considered the possibility of her being a bipolar person. I did some research and the symptoms didn't match with hers so I dropped the idea.
The problem I have with Dr. Jekyll is that she is a highly functional BPD, she has even fooled a couple of psychologists in her life.
I am reading here about people that seem to have severe cases of BPD and I know now why she has fooled many people in her life, including my father brother and I, by making us believe she is just a conflicting stressed neurotic person that 70% of the time functions correctly. And that there is hope for her improving within the years. (when there's not)
She seems to be more functional than most people with BPD that's why it has taken me so long to finally realize what she suffers from.
To some degree I always knew she had a disorder. But I didn't know exactly what it was.
I had asked her to see a therapist many many times and she has always refused and here's why.
She comes from a dysfunctional family, as horrible as you can imagine. Abusive father, a very insane mother and very traumatized siblings. Two of her brothers abused her sexually as a kid (Another indicator that she is indeed a BPD)
Her personality I think now, was distorted from a young age. She meets my father when she is 18 (he was 25 years older than her) and i believe he felt he could rescue such an unfortunate girl, I mean, after all,
What could he lose? he was a man in his mid 40's that had never been married nor had kids.
Maybe this girl was the perfect opportunity to finally have a family.
Maybe he could "fix her"?
When she married, her family started a hate campaign against my poor father. They told everyone she was marrying a decrepit old man that was either gay or sterile because he didn't have any kids and had never been married.
The reality was very different. My father was a very handsome man that always looked younger than he really was. He was a professor and he had a house and a job.
My aunties were secretly jealous of my mother, as they didn't fight for the men they loved and they ended up marrying guys they didn't love, just for the sake of having a family.
This is the only time when my mother seeked for help because she was fighting hard to not lose my father.
So she started going to therapy. The stupid doctor that treated her, taught her about Transactional Analysis
www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysisAnd made her believe she was fine, her husband was fine and her family was wrong. He made her believe she could heal her own life by following the principles of T.A.
I wonder now, if he was fooled by Dr. Jekyll and didn't realize my mother wasn't really ready to start a family.
that my mother didn't need to learn about TA, that she needed therapy for many years in order to overcome for real everything she had lived.
My mother says that my grandmother's favorite insult for her was "you are mentally ill, you are crazy, you are insane"
My mother's psychologist was the first person with moral authority that told her that she indeed she was fine. Well, compared to her sick brothers and her very insane parents, my mother seemed to be the sane one.
My Dad tried to be a positive influence in our lives, but he never knew how to stop her nor he knew how to ask for help. Sadly he died when I was 20 and my brother was 17.
My mother grieved in a horrible way, her world fell apart, she told us she didn't care about us, she held on to things that belonged to my father. She forgot we were also suffering from the loss.
Once she started saying such horrible things to my brother and i that he came to sleep in my room, I have a bunk bed, so he was sleeping on the top one and I was on the bottom one, when my mother started shouting insults to both of us, standing on the door frame, my brother put his arm down the bed so i could reach his hand, when I held it he said to me "At least we have each other"
That is something I will never forget :'(
The problem my brother and I have now is that my mother follows faithfully the principles of TA and she is devoted to what that psychologist taught her. (This man is dead now by the way)
She says that what she learned from this man was enough to fix her life. And that if we ask her to go see another psychologist we are reinforcing what her own mother told her and we aren't doing her a favor.
A friend of mine that is also a psychologist was also fooled by her, she told me my mother perhaps was in a permanent state of "neurosis" and "stress" and couldn't cope with her frustration and her past.
That my grandad was probably a BPD. Jackpot! my friend was close to the right diagnose, if it wasn't because my mother started to alienate her and we stopped seeing each other I am pretty sure she would have handed me the egg shells book sooner.
Over the years I have been confused about talking about this to people outside the family (my only family is my brother, he)
Because many people have a very different opinion of her. She has shown the Dr. JEkyll side to many people for many years. So telling people she is indeed Mr. Hyde at times, and that she can be very bad and cruel in terms of the things she has said to us or that she is so paranoid she feels people attack her is a difficult task.
I often see the disappointment in my friend's faces when I tell them the reality of my life. I have always enjoyed having friends to come over, have dinner and talk to my family since my brother and I share many friends in common. My mother would be all smiles and would treat my friends in a very nice way.
But she is a scanner... . she scans people and "records" everything the person says.
So once that friend is gone, behind close doors she would start using psychological terms to define that friend and why this friend is doing things wrong. And we all should participate in such analysis.
Or if a friend or the partner of one of my friends say something out of the blue "they disrespected her"
Even now, she reminds us of people that have "disrespected her in the past"
My father would joke with us and say "Everything you say to your mother can and will be used against you"
That wasn't a joke, that was the sad reality of our lives with her. The book even mentions the "everything you say" thing.
I want your thoughts on this, because despite the fact I havent endured such a cruel reality like most people here because my mother has a mild case of BPD i feel like parts of my life have been stolen from me and my brother, that all that energy we have invested in her trying to make her change, talking for hours about people, jobs, etc, i think have gone to waste.
The most dangerous thing about someone that doesn't suffer from a very evident case of BPD is that this person can fool people, psychologists, and then it comes a time when you feel lost and you wonder, really? is it me? how come everyone tells me to be patient and love my mother, that all she needs is love, when in reality, the void BPD people carry within themselves cant be filled with anything?
I have been talking more to people about her. Now my friends nod and sadly imply she really needs professional help. Disappointed as hell, because they used to think she was a super cool, liberal mom.
I have had to go through the shame of telling them what she says about them behind closed doors so they understand why i don't invite them to the house anymore.
It is sad yes, but it's also liberating... . Any advice for me would be greatly appreciated.
English is not my first language, so please excuse my mistakes
