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Author Topic: "I love you... don't forget it."  (Read 383 times)
DeRetour
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« on: August 03, 2013, 03:08:47 AM »

"I love you... . don't forget it."

My uBPD exGF would sometimes say this before leaving to go to work. Somehow when she'd say this, I would always detect a sense of impending doom in her voice. It felt as though she wasn't really talking to me, but rather narrating an aside to the reader of this tragic novel.

A couple of months before our breakup, in a "low" moment after we were settling from a fight, she told me that for much of her life she's imagined herself dying alone and young.

Has anyone else here had a similar experience with their BPD ex? How did it make you feel?

Thanks for sharing your experiences or thoughts.
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Moonie75
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« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2013, 03:28:57 AM »

Yes mine had said several times that she expected to die lonely. When I asked her about this one time, she back peddled by stating how women usually live longer than men & she was referring to dying years after my death widowing her. 


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gallerykey
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« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2013, 04:40:49 AM »

I had the same. When he would say he loved me it was said so monotone with no real feeling, felt he was saying it because he thought it was the right thing to do... .

He also would say that he would die alone, but also said he didnt want this and it was one of the reasons he went to therapy so he could change and this wouldnt happen.

I fear it will happen
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DeRetour
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« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2013, 05:09:27 AM »

Moonie75,

Excerpt
Yes mine had said several times that she expected to die lonely

Did it make you feel anxious when she'd tell you this? And did it feel as though this was what she was really experiencing at the moment?

My uBPD ex-GF had talked about a lonely death, but it was generally only when she was feeling "low" from a fight. If we were having a fight, she'd sometimes feel so "low" that she'd actually sometimes say she didn't care if a car hit her. But, in contrast to that:

"I love you... . don't forget it." When my she said things like this. I don't think she was consciously trying to allude to morbid or suicidal thoughts. She wouldn't say this when she was feeling "low," especially if it's from having a fight. She'd only say this when she was getting ready to go home or to work in the morning.

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DeRetour
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« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2013, 05:24:20 AM »

imj72,

Excerpt
When he would say he loved me it was said so monotone with no real feeling, felt he was saying it because he thought it was the right thing to do... .

.

I'm so sorry to hear about your concern. It's a stressful thing to hear anything like this.

Monotone? Interesting and somewhat familiar for me, too. Something I noticed was that she actually said "I love you." quite a bit. We'd say it to each other several times a day, to be honest. But, there was just something different about it when she added the "... . don't forget it." She'd generally only add that if we were about to be apart for a day or two. If I dared ask her what she meant about it, she'd get defensive and, at the least would criticize me for reading too much into her words. However, this kind of thinking didn't just come from nowhere.


I guess what I'm getting at is that I always felt as though when she said this, she was already at least one step ahead of me in her internal story of us. Early on, when we were first dating, she'd talk about the possibility of us having some end to seeing each other. She'd preface it with "I know this sounds pretty grim, but... . ".

Does any of this sound familiar?

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babyducks
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« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2013, 06:51:06 AM »

, she told me that for much of her life she's imagined herself dying alone and young.

Hey DeRetour

My partner said similar things to me quite a lot.  And very early on in our r/s too.   She would talk about a tragic accident taking me since I work in a business that has more than an average amount of  risk.  She was also completely convinced that she wasn't going to live into old age.

I think it was a manifestation of abandonment issues coming out a little sideways.   People really did leave my Ex.   Some of them tragically.   Many of her family did die young.  She was also bright enough to realize that there was significant truth to the fact that people with mental illness do often die young.  Most of her life had been impermanent.  She was hard wired to have a substantial lack of trust about things that you and I would probably not think twice about. 

Most of what drove my partner was fear.   I would say with 20/20 hindsight 95% was fear.   And the fear drove her to hold on too tight or to push away. 

My partner recognized at some level that her relationships didn't last.  Sometimes she attempted to subscribe reasons to the failures that shielded her from some of the cruel reality.

babyducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
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« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2013, 09:13:33 AM »

That's kind of eerie.  My dBPDw would also allude to being alone and dying young.  She has a fairly serious heart defect (though she still managed to occasionally work as a Zumba and Yoga instructor), so I get the fear of passing at a younger age... . she'd also wake up in the middle of the night crying as a result of nightmares in which I'd died of natural causes or met some other untimely fate.  When this happened, she'd always wake me up and tell me about, begging me to hold her as she cried, which I always did.  Obvious abandonment issues, but also a way to hook me in closer and make the idea of her ever leaving impossible in my mind.  These are the sort of things that lead us to this site, looking for answers.
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flatspin
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« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2013, 09:42:51 AM »

My ex-wife (BPD, bipolar) had some kind of fascination for death, cemeteries, tombs and freaks. She thought that she was unique, some sort of outstanding artist ill-appreciated because surrounded by dunces. Even if she didn't look for trouble and didn't act as a daredevil, she contemplated her death with "peace" and some kind of yearning, something like the necessary martyrdom of the geniuses. She said that she'd have a violent death one day... . She knew it... .

Anyway... .
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Hazelrah
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« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2013, 10:22:44 AM »

My ex-wife (BPD, bipolar) had some kind of fascination for death, cemeteries, tombs and freaks. She thought that she was unique, some sort of outstanding artist ill-appreciated because surrounded by dunces. Even if she didn't look for trouble and didn't act as a daredevil, she contemplated her death with "peace" and some kind of yearning, something like the necessary martyrdom of the geniuses. She said that she'd have a violent death one day... . She knew it... .

Anyway... .

Funny, my wife was absolutely terrified by death... . due to her heart defect, she'd endured horrible surgeries as a child, and almost died from a staph infection around 3 years old.  Doctors gave her little chance, and I think that caused her mother to detach from her, in order to prepare for the worst.  Unfortunately, that detachment never changed. 

Her inability to deal with death certainly impacted her behavior the first time she left me, right after my mom passed.  It sent her into a tailspin and what a former therapist said was dangerously close to a nervous breakdown. 
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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2013, 09:22:01 PM »

My expwBPD used to say, "I love you, don't leave me".  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  One time I half jokingly told her it was possible that I could be killed in an auto accident, and she made me promise to her that I wouldn't.  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

She also feels like she will die young, which is actually quite likely due to her behaviors (alcoholism, drug abuse, promiscuity).  It is sad.
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Moonie75
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« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2013, 09:27:44 PM »

If you knew everything my ex did to me, you'd be amazed she didn't die young!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2013, 12:09:22 AM »

Hi Family,

     I can't speak to the death fantasy stuff, although it has been well described that these folks are intensely focused on fantasy illnesses and "mine" is no exception. 

     However, the business about saying "I love you... . don't forget it" a bit morosely when going to work actually seems fairly obvious, in a way.  The pwBPD, unlike the 'non', lacks object constancy.  That is, they have a very hard time, essentially, remembering who you are and how they imagine they feel about you when they can't physically see you.  These boards are full of references to them swiping shirts to sleep in that have your scent and photos of you wherever they might be.  We interpret these things as "Aww, look how much they love me!" when the truth is much closer to "Aw, she doesn't have a clue that we're in love 5 seconds after she's away from me."

     The sad statement when she left was made to herself (all things revolve around them, which is why you really can't say they 'love' anyone).  She was reminding herself that she loved you.  I'm sorry, but it was possibly something like when you say ":)on't forget the milk tonight" to yourself ten times when you leave in the morning. 

     You just can't interpret what they say using your frame of reference.  You never could have just "forgotten" that you loved her, but she was trying to compensate for her inability to do anything else.  The sadness was likely because she knew this was something she could never do.  Don't forget that she's a victim of this disorder a lot more than you. I often feel life sucks for me with regard to my r/s with someone with this disorder, but it can't compare to the lifetime of hell these people have.  You and I are just short term players in something they will likely have to face until the day they die.

LT
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DeRetour
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« Reply #12 on: August 04, 2013, 01:45:58 AM »

Wow, I’ve gone through and read all of the new posts in this thread. And I really appreciate hearing all of these different experiences we’ve had with our exes and the death and, as Lao Tzu put it, “fantasy illnesses”.  Of course it’s unfortunate to hear that we’ve all been dealing with drama like this, but it really helps to know you’re not alone. Okay, I decided I’d respond in one big message here. Sorry if this is a bit long. Okay... .

Babyducks and Hazelrah - Oh yes, my ex also had some major fear issues. Mine seemed to think of herself often as being the one to leave. It’s strange, because that was often the feeling I got when she’d say things like, “I love you, don’t ever forget.” It’s as though she were trying to tell me: I may not be around forever…who knows? Sh*t happens. I might get killed.” And if she got very discouraged, sometimes she’d talk as though she didn’t want to be alive anymore.

Flatspin – My ex was also an artist (and definitely had the temperament to go with it). But, interestingly, she  didn’t really focus on death in her art. But, often I got the sense, when looking at her photography, that she had a certain sense of distance from her subject. I could feel a lot from her photography. And if she took everyday photos of her friends – I swear, there was sometimes a feeling of “Little do they know what’s going on in my mind” – if that makes any sense. She didn’t really glorify death. The subject of death only came up if she was feeling “beyond discouraged”. And then it was as though she didn’t care about anything anymore. “Sometimes I just wish I’d get hit by truck/car so I didn’t have to take responsibility for my death.” Etc.

Learning_curve74 – isn’t “I love you... . don’t leave me” also the title of a book on BPD? Interesting. That must have been quite a thing to have to promise that you wouldn’t be killed in a car accident! I’m also familiar with having to make promises. For me, it was more about her fear that I was upset with her. She didn’t really focus on losing me in any kind of tragic accident. Her fear seemed to be more about emotional withdrawal. I’d often get: “Are you okay? Are you sure you’re not upset with me? Do you promise? Pinky swear?” Sometimes, it was endearing. But looking at this, she really seemed to fear losing me in that kind of way.

Lao Tzu – First off, morose is exactly the word I’d use to describe the way my ex said this strange phrase. And it disturbs me to think of my ex completely forgetting about her love for me after leaving. It wasn't uncommon for her to take shirts of mine, often a hoodie, even socks, on the morning when leaving from sleeping over. And, it’s funny, she would almost always text me within 20 minutes of parting. Conversely, on days/weekends together, if she had to leave the room, she'd ask me to hold her bag or something else of hers. All of these things were endearing. But, it does also make me think that like you're talking about, a product of lacking object constancy.

So, yes, it’s sad to think of never being able to fully experience object constancy. Actually though, I realize that this is probably also a lot of why I've felt anxiety in this relationship. I was feeling her instability. And sometimes, this instability was very real - in our 15 months or so, we've had two "breaks", and two "breakups"! I know I’m not alone here when I say that there was very little stability in my relationship. In fact, looking back, there was a lot of anxiety. Sometimes I feel as though I’m only just now beginning to catch my breath. I just want to be able to have one good sigh of relief.

Sorry if this is a silly question, but can anyone here relate to generally feeling anxious because of your BPD ex’s lack of object constancy? If so, what was your experience?

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flatspin
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« Reply #13 on: August 04, 2013, 07:11:29 AM »

The first things she wanted to visit in Paris when she got off the plane were the catacombs and the Père Lachaise cemetery... . Go figure !

Back then, I didn't mind because I'm generally open-minded and easy-going and don't mind about others' whims unless they're really bothersome but in hindsight, I realize that it was telling !

Regarding object constancy, I didn't know what it was before reading books about BPD so it didn't fret much about it back then. Ignoring the real reasons, you always look for alternative and so-called logical reasons for her actions, reactions and whims... .

I had a long-distance relationship with my ex-wife and she never caused me concern in that regard (object constancy). It was generally all or nothing in her ways with me. In the last months, she wouldn't talk to me for weeks and then suddenly demand money to pay the rent or bills because as a husband, my responsibility was of course to provide for her in that regard. I was just a docile ATM... . After the wedding, her object constancy symptoms were maybe that she was using pictures of me to play darts on... . given her overall mood towards me... .  

I'm joking now because I've licked my wounds enough to be able to do so but back then, it wasn't funny to experience at all.
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bettermentofsociety
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« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2013, 08:59:11 AM »

My uBPDexGF would say that she loved me overly so, that was the time she was getting ready to do something wrong.  I even recognized it then, but I just ignored it ... . bad... . bad on me. Ugh.   

She would always say that she was going to die young.  That was a common theme with her.  It has to be a pervasive sign n the illness.
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DeRetour
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« Reply #15 on: August 05, 2013, 02:10:17 PM »

Moonie75, imj72, babyducks, hazelrah, flatspin, learning_curve74, LaoTzu, and forthebetterment,

Ah! Thank you much for sharing your thoughts on this seemingly innocent phrase, and for sharing your personal experiences with your own exes' words. Attempting to make sense out of this: building a solid future together, with moments where there was no future (ie., thoughts of an abrupt ending of some sort), is exhausting.

I hope you all are having a good beginning of the week. More to come later.

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« Reply #16 on: August 05, 2013, 10:15:38 PM »

Hi Derouter,

My first BPD... . I have dated two now... . would walk in the room out of the blue, start crying, and say, "" I know you are going to die and leave me all alone with small children." We were not even in a committed relationship.  That relationship only lasted a few months.  I got out quick.  I was not so quick this last time which, of course, drove me to this site. My BPFgf of three plus years was so freaked by being alone that a failure to answer a text might result in a flash of anger or deep sadness.  These kinds of abandonment issues seem to come with the territory.

all the best.

HB
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