Contact

[Eric1]

I need help. I'm really close to break no-contact to message her.

Don't know what i would say or what the outcome will be, but i'm going to end up doing it.

[cylec]

Eric,

No one can stop you from contacting her, my friend.  I'm not going to try.   All I can do it share with you what I did.

Last night I was in the same place as you... . and I contacted her.

Immediately after I did I regretted it.   The shame and guilt hit me like a ton of bricks.   

I messaged her and asked her to call me, get this... . Just so I could convince her I would never abandon her.    Now is that just sick or what?  At the time, in my mind I was convinced I could do so.  As soon as hit enter to send the message it was like another me stepped away from me and hit me upside the head and said, "Look at what you just did you idiot!"

It isn't about her anymore.   It has to be about ME!  I have to decide whether or not I want to heal or continue to live in a fantasy world.  She can't help what she is (as hard as that is for me to accept) but I can make decisions.   Yes, I had the free will to make a very bad decision last night and it didn't do anything but hurt myself - it sure didn't or won't change her decision.   But, today, just for today, I also have the free will to make the right decision, what is good for ME.

I am going to try to start living, where it is about her:  If in doubt, DON'T!

Hope that helps you a little bit, my friend.

Be well, be safe, be a little happier,

Cyle

[gallerykey]

Im guilty of that this morning, like you felt so bad about myself afterwards. Trying not to give myself a hard time, cant turn the clock back as much as i wish i could.

I thought as he tried to call me last night if i messaged we could talk. How wrong was I! Hes read the messages and ignored me, yet again one of his games. Im fairly certain hes with someone else now but the little titbits he offers me will in his eyes keep me on the edge just incase he needs me.

Lets face it he wont, or if he did it would be in a few months time when his problems will surface in the new relationship and he will need to move on again.

I know at my age its not going to be easy but i do know that all i want is a nice simple relationship, thats not with him.

Im slowly with every rebuffed message feeling more positive.

Be kind to urself

[NiceGuy83]

Eric, any contact I had with my ex was just used by her as a power-game.  Either there would be no reply, or she would ring me, just to tell me how awful I am, and how perfect the new guy is.

I stopped beating myself up by looking for further contact about 10 weeks ago.  It was really only then that I started (slowly) to be able to move on. 

We understand the need to go NC logically.  But emotionally, our brain plays tricks on us.  We are still codependent and this surfaces any time we interact with the ex.

If you really have such difficulty, you should contemplate removing your ability to contact her.  Block her on FB, delete her numbers, even change yours. 

Good luck bud.

[Eric1]

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't find any happiness from anything.

I've been socialising with friends as much as possible. I've been working out, trying to keep busy. I've had sex with another girl. I'm planning on going on holiday with a friend.

But, i'm still miserable. I know that any reconcilation will never happen. I know that it would never work between us. She isn't the person who i thought she was. But, i still love her and miss her.

She treated me like crap, she lied, was abusive and finally ended up cheating on me, which i have forgiven her for. Yet, after all this, i still think of her, dream about her, want to see her.

Everyone says NC is the only option, which i understand & that time is the greatest healer. But, i honestly feel like i will not love anyone as much as i loved her.

[snappafcw]

Eric I know how you feel.

Its about 7 months out for me almost. I'm doing all the right things... . well some of them. Spending time with friends. Working on my business and work ect. I have accepted my exuBPDgf is sick and that its toxic and would never work. However my self worth is still very low. My support network isn't massive. I guess I just want to feel loved and I'm not getting that from anywhere.

The hardest part for me has been forgiving myself. Allowing myself to be treated like I did after giving everything I possibly could. For a split second at times your forget she is sick and take the behaviour personally and that is the trap. You need to remember (as do I) that no rational person would treat you like this... . Not ever.

Despite my overwhelming loneliness I do feel a little better as time goes on... . I just hope my fortunes turn around at least i learnt something but the pain is a massive cost.

[snappafcw]

I hope things turn around for you too Eric. You sound like a good person.

[Eric1]

I don't know for certain, but i'm pretty sure she is seeing someone else. Even tho she has kept in contact with me a bit, i doubt she would of told this new person. She's no longer thinking about me & is enjoing herself, whilst i'm constantly thinking about her.

What does get me thinking though, is if she would be different with this other person. Will she rage and act like she did with me? I put up with years of crap, and she will be the person who i wanted with this new bloke.

I told her we need to cease contact, but she still wished my happy birthday and called me the day after apologising for contacting, but saying she just wanted to talk to me. I hope she doesn't re-enage again. I can't cope with it.

[Validation78]

Hi Eric!

We can all see from this and other posts that you are experiencing a lot of pain and anguish. We all understand as some of us have been where you are. 

There's no simple answer friend. You have to give it time, and in the meantime, have to exhibit some self discipline. If you want NC, ignore her calls, texts, emails, visits. However sweet her approach, the end result will be the same. Please hear the words of the others here!

You too must resist the urge to contact her. Someone has to put an end to the cycle of dysfunction. She is ill, you have to be the strong one, and you have to do it for your own peace of mind and well being.

Believe me, if she is BPD, and not getting help, she has a very slim chance of being happy with you or anyone else. Not that it is something to hope for, however, there's no benefit in torturing yourself with this thought!

Keep doing what you're doing. Surround yourself with friends. Live your life, and pursue your interests. Find some new interests too. Time will be your best friend. Reward yourself for getting through each day without giving into the temptation to contact her or to accept her attempts to contact you.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Eric1]

I'm really set this time round of staying NC. I really want to heal from this and get back to the person I was. I'm scared that I will never completely heal & that I won't get my humour, confidence or self esteem back.

I told her we need to go no contact, which she broke, albeit for my birthday. Do you think she'll re-engage again? I'm too weak to not respond.

[starshine]

Hi Eric.  Really, no contact is the way to go. 

I couldn't figure out what was happening with my relationship when my exuBPDbf broke up with me and began actively and openly persueing another relationship within 4 days.  We were together for 5 years, living together for 4.  Heck, he tried to make love to me the morning he dumped me- and he moved me out in the afternoon.  I was in shock- and googled "cruel breakups" and found out about BPD.  I blocked him on FB, didn't respond to his phone, limited response to his texts until I go my stuff from him.  A month, maybe.  I have had no contact, other than the occasional person telling me some gossip or sharing a FB post with me.  It's been 2 years.  Truthfully, he stopped trying to contact me almost immediately- when he saw I wasn't responding.  He never has come back for a recycle... . And still last week I almost called him, hoping deep in my heart that the past had actually never happened, that he would be well and love me like I thought he did.  Like, these last 2 years haven't been the saddest, loneliest years of anyone who ever lived on this planet.

But I didn't call.  I took a hot bath, took a fitness class, made food, went for a swim/drive/walk... . anything to occupy my time and mind.  I have found that acupuncture has really helped, especially when I'm getting stuck- good to clear out those meridians on occasion.  As mean as he got, well, I can't have someone like that in my life.  But I sure do miss the good times, because they were the best times of my life.

[Suzn]

Hi Eric

NC is not a rule here, meaning we won't stop supporting you if you chose contact. That said, NC is for you, so you can gain some emotional distance so that you can begin the healing process.

You are grieving a relationship right now, few feel cheerful and humorous during this time. What you are going through is completely normal for a grieving person. Your humor, confidence and self esteem will return. You will be a different person, a more mature and experienced person if you stay your course of healing. You will know self preservation and be better prepared to recognize and experience a more healthy relationship. It will get better.

[Eric1]

I was really wanted to be independant when I was with her.  I had my sports, gym, working in my house, seeing friends & it would kill her if i done anything without her.

She would tell me that my sport was ruining us as I trained twice a week and played on the weekend.

If I wanted to go to the gym, she would tell me not to bother and just go straight round hers.

If I went to see friends, I'd have to go round hers straight after. she would expect a time and god forbid I went passed it.

Now, I have all the time in the world & I have no get up and go. I have no drive. I don't talk to people, I can't laugh. I'm broken. I miss her so, so much. All I want is for us to return to the good times. She's moved on. I haven't. She won't contact me again & it's really messing me up.

People say you hold the ticket to your own happiness, but I can't find happiness in anything.

I just want to see her again.

[drv3006]

It isn't about her anymore.   It has to be about ME!  I

Now that is a super important statement right there.   Hit home with me. 

Answers about every darn post on this site!

[cylec]

Eric,

I have a little victory to share.   Not taking away from the question you posted to everyone, but I hope in sharing my little victory tonight will give you a little bit of hope.

I posted a reply in here this past Saturday, about how I had broken down the night before and messaged her and asked her to call me.

Well, tonight she did.   She claimed she had just gotten the text from Friday today... . yah, right... . but that is immaterial.   I had blocked her on all social media and my email, after sanity hit me right after I had messaged her.

Well, she calls tonight asking what it was I needed to discuss with her.   (I freakin' forgot to lock her number on my phone).  Well, of course I was a bit nervous, but, Eric I reached deep down inside of me, past the pain, the anger, the resentment and I pulled up a little piece of me that was sane.   I simply told her, never mind, what I had to say the other night would make no difference to discuss now.   I kept it short, sweet, and simple.   Oh, trust me, I wanted to say a lot more, but I kept thinking about ME and what I would do to ME if I tried to engage her or allowed her to engage me in any type of conversation.

We both said goodbye and hung up the phone.

Now that may not seem like much, my friend, but to me it was a huge victory. 

Hope that gives you just a little bit of hope.

Cyle

[Eric1]

Thanks, cylec.

It's been just a little over 5 weeks since we broke up, and now today is the 3rd day of NC. I litterally cannot stop thinking about her. There is no point in the day when she isn't on my mind. As soon as i wake up, i think about her, i think about her as soon as i go to sleep. At work, the gym... . yeah, i think about her.

I know i can't contact her & i will stay strong, but it's so hard.

It's as if i'm waiting for her to engage & when she doesn't, it makes me even more miserable.

[DeRetour]

Hey Eric1,


I just got through reading your thread on Contact. Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with the temptation to contact your BPD ex. As you can see, you're in good company here. I understand that the healing process is different for all of us. I had my breakup just 2 weeks ago. A few months ago, we had another breakup. And before that, we had two "breaks" - all of these happened in under 15 months!

The first time around, she insisted on a week-long break to give me time to think about my "doubts and insecurities" in her. We were dating and I was beginning to feel "sketched out" by how secretive she was acting. We promised exclusivity after about a month of seeing each other. And within 2 weeks of agreeing to that, she texted me after going home (lived with her parents) from a bar. She told me she missed me, then the next morning confessed that she had broken our agreement and kissed one of her former partners while at the bar.I feel guilty (although I can do what I want), but I feel so bad. Just saying that this is how I feel about you." She uttered a few more words on her guilt, then asked, "Are you upset with me?"  In a controlled, calm voice I expressed that I was upset. "You know, I don't have to tell you this stuff. We aren't even together, but I want to tell you. So why are you upset with me still?" Somehow, I was now on the defensive. So, later that evening when she came to see me, I found myself succumbing to her defensiveness and she decided she needed a "break". That same night, she texted me, told me how depressed I made her. I was ready to ignore, but somehow I kept finding myself getting pulled right back in.

I found myself in a repeat of this, yet again. No need to go into any more details here, but let's just say I gave right back in to responding to her texts. My perseverance seemed to pay off and she was ready to be my girlfriend. Mind you, when things were good, we seemed to be on the same page on so many things. Well, we broke up for 3 weeks. Almost the same moment that I was ready to make peace and wish her a happy life, she texted me and I got pulled right back in again.

We broke up again, 2 weeks ago. This time around I am not going to respond or initiate any contact. She hasn't texted me either, fortunately. Here's how I've been dealing with this: of course I feel ___ty. I've realized I'm aching in my body, and my energy level is much lower than I've had in a long time. I basically feel sick and down. It's not unlike feeling poisoned.

By going completely NC, I can detox and let this poison get completely out of my system. Yes, it's a struggle, but please know that you are in good company. Okay, in the meantime, take good care.

[Eric1]

It's been pretty much the same cycle with me.

First time we broke up was for a few days, second time was for a few weeks, and the last time was for a month and a half.

I think the realsisation that this is it now, this is the final time, hurts. I shouldn't want her back. She treated me like crap. I know i had my faults & i at times got angry, but there's only so much one person can take. I'm still in the stage of What if. If only i didn't react in this way, or said that then maybe we would still be together.

I'm thinking i might need to see a therapist, because i've never felt like this before. I seriously cannot function. I don't know who i am anymore or where i'm going.

I'm suffering, thinking about her day in day out, and she's already moved on to the next bloke.

[btbh]

Hey Eric1,

Read through the thread and sorry to hear it’s been so difficult for you. Just want to let you know youre not alone. I’m on day 9 of NC with my exgf.

Like DeRetour, my story is very similar, the constant breakups etc. This time im not breaking NC and trying really hard to keep it that way. Its definitely not easy especially in your case that she’s seems to have moved on so quickly. Just try to remain strong and keep yourself busy. Take it day by day. I come to the forums everytime I feel a moment of weakness to find strength to refrain from contacting her. Find that really helps me. Good luck and take care buddy!

[Eric1]

How do you detach? I've read everywhere and I'm doing everything possible, but none of it is working. I can't get her out my head, it's driving me insane.

[Validation78]

Hi Eric,

Be gentle with yourself! There is no simple answer to this. It all takes time, and trust me when I tell you, the thought will become less and less over time. It sounds so trite, I know, however, it is the simple truth.

In the meantime, find something to replace thoughts of her. For me it was prayer, over and over if necessary. If that is not part of your routine, you can use an affirmation like this:

Letting go will help me to be healthy

I am healthy

I am strong

Letting go is healthy

I can do this

Repeat something that makes you feel good about yourself. Celebrate each day that you get through without contacting her. Before you know it, you will start feeling better!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Suzn]

Eric it takes a while to detach. Reading your last post, do you see how this sounds akin to an addicition? That's because it is. We get into a habit of letting someone else "make us ok". If she comes back you will be ok for a while then the chaos will start again. We have to learn to make ourselves ok. You can do this. It's called self soothing.

What I did when I felt like you do is to find things that gave my mind  a rest from the 24/7 thoughts. For starters I played video games for starters, Bejewelled to be exact, you can play it free online. Also I practiced mindfulness. You can do this anytime. Just start noticing things around you, on purpose, like look around the room you're in, look at all the details. How does the chair under you feel against your body? What does the fabric of the chair feel like? At the same time notice your breathing, what does it sound like? Can you feel your chest rise and fall with each breath? What do you smell? Hear? You get the idea... it worked for me.

This gives you something to focus yourself on when things get tough. And of course we're her for you.

[Eric1]

I'm trying all those things. I'm working out everyday. I'm constantly on here, reading other people's struggles knowing I'm not alone.

My issue is - she treated me like crap at times, with utter discontent, she lied, manipulated, verbally and physically abused me. But, I still love her. If she tried reconciling, I wouldn't jump straight back & I would tell her what she needed to change, but I would go back.

That's why I'm having such difficulty leaving things.

[Suzn]

Eric this is going to be difficult/painful for a little while. Working through these emotions isn't fun. Most breakups are painful, that's normal for most. A quick fix fixes nothing but a moment. How did you feel when she was doing all these things, treating you poorly?

You are worth being able to have a healthy relationship. The more time spent on someone who treats you poorly the less time you have opportunities for meeting someone who will treat you well.

[Blg1236]

My issue is - she treated me like crap at times, with utter discontent, she lied, manipulated, verbally and physically abused me. But, I still love her. If she tried reconciling, I wouldn't jump straight back & I would tell her what she needed to change, but I would go back.

Hey Eric, I dont post on here that often but I felt like throwing in my 2 cents...

What you've described about your girlfriend is very similar to my ex's behavior towards me, during the latter part of our 6-1/2 yr relationship. She dumped me 7 months ago and the day she did I blocked her from everything. No replies to texts, emails, nothing. I went stone cold.

This was difficult, but I did it and am much better for it. I went through a lot of pain, for sure, but it does get better.

Two things to think about, and I'm not wanting to sound tough or macho and if anyone is offended i apologize.

Ask yourself, what type of woman (whatever her disorder or without) is really going to want to be with a man that allows such disrespect towards himself.

And then ask yourself, is this the man you want to be? Someone who will take such abuse and still crawl back for more?

These are the 2 thoughts that repeat over and over in my mind and have kept me  from contacting her completely during these past 7 months.

Sure, i think about her everyday and wonder how I allowed myself to put up with the behavior for so long. But time does heal and you will get better.

This forum has very good advice, and though BPD can effect both women and men I feel the advice for men can be a bit soft at times.

You have to be strong and move forward.

[Eric1]

We would never get back together & I would never seek reconciliation because I can't. I just can't cope with what this has done to me.

I don't know who I am, where I'm going. I feel depressed and at times I've thought what is the point anymore. This isn't who I was. She's destroyed me, taken everything I was and turned it upside down. I am a shell of a man.

[Suzn]

www.m.youtube.com/watch?v=TtGY4G7II6s&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DTtGY4G7II6s

[healingmyheart]

Eric1,

I understand your pain very well.  I was right where you are 6 months ago.  My exBPD boyfriend lied, deceived, controlled and manipulated me.  He also was verbally abusive.  When he directed the verbal abuse towards my child I had no choice but to remove him from my life.  Even though I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do, I still very much wanted him to stay.  After he left, I would receive texts from him when I was trying to go NC.  I would actually have physical symptoms.  My heart would race, I would break out in a sweat and cry uncontrollably.  Without a doubt, he was my drug and I was having great pains as I was trying to wean myself from him.  He persistently called, texted and emailed me.  I tried blocking him and he would still find ways to circumvent the system.  

During this weaning stage, I tried to distract myself and learn as much as I could about BPD.  I read books upon books about BPD.  I also found books about codependency because he seemed to extract those traits out of me and I knew I had to grow from this experience so I wouldn't be victim again to a BPD.  I went to counseling to work on myself and I still go.  I started doing things that I wasn't allowed to do when I was in my relationship with my BPD boyfriend.  He was so controlling of my life and I had isolated myself from friends and family.  I started reaching out and making new friends.  I started volunteering for causes that I am passionate about.  I started learning to be comfortable being alone.  

I've come to a place now where I understand that my exBPD boyfriend is very ill.  He has a disorder which will never allow him to be happy with anyone.  He will wander throughout life searching for that idolized relationship which will ultimately fall in his face due to his abandonment fears.  I still get texts and emails and even phone calls from my exBPD.  Now when I hear his voice or read his text, I feel sorry for him.  He is reaching out to me only for his own selfish needs.  He has no concern for me as a person.  It always was about him and his need to fill that void in his life.  I've decided to turn the tables now and focus on me and my needs.  I never would have been able to grow as a person with him in my life.  I feel like he used me in so many ways.  I'm not sure it was a conscious act on his part... . it's just what the BPD does.  They find a victim who they feel can meet their needs and they drain them til there is nothing left but pain.  I've been able to pull myself up by my boot straps so to speak and I am healing.  I am worthy of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship as you are too.  You must respect yourself enough to move forward and take whatever steps work for you.  It is the must painful process I have ever been through. As they say "what you can't feel you won't heal.  

Hang in there... . I promise it does get better with time.

[Eric1]

It's the hardest experiance i've had to deal with. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

Although it won't do me any favours, i almost want her to reach out to me, just so i know she's thinking about me.

I've toyed with the idea of asking her to meet for a drink, stating that i don't wan't to rekindle the relationship, but i just want to talk to her about what happened.

[Blg1236]

I've toyed with the idea of asking her to meet for a drink, stating that i don't wan't to rekindle the relationship, but i just want to talk to her about what happened.

Dont even think about it.

She'll see right through you... . your intentions are to reengage.

You will be worse off than your are now.