I know that I need to leave... AGAIN but, why is it SO hard to do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

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« on: Yesterday at 08:36:43 AM »

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Okay, here it goes... .

I'm really just looking for people that are going through the same thing I am... . I am 35 and have been married for 15 years.  Lately, it just seems to be getting worse and worse with his mood swings, reactions of rage, questions if I go ANYWHERE and twisted lies that are just rolling off of his tongue like they "really happened".  If I question anything at all he is immediately defensive and starts putting the blame on me.  When we argue (everyday) he tries to bring our 3 children into it and ask them their point of view, WHICH MAKES ME SICK!  Of course they'll side with him - I think it's because they are scared if they side with me.  I moved out 2 years ago, thinking that would help but I was still drawn to him every few days.  I have a feeling that I am co-dependent and disabled from being able to live in the real world.  I try to explain his behavior to our children but they absolutely DO NOT WANT TO HEAR OR READ ANYTHING


I have also tried to do the same.  I went as far as moving out for a year, and still I found myself being drawn to his house with his witty charm and apologies.  I since have moved everything back into his garage because I felt that I really should.  MISTAKE!  His father has enabled him since he was 13 (when his parents divorced) and I see our oldest son becoming more and more like him everyday!  I know that I am a good person and I always look for the best in things... .   THIS IS EXHAUSTING THOUGH!  I keep telling myself just to agree with everything he says and just try to stop the fight from escalating.  (even the kids yell at me "STOP FIGHTING MOMMY!" when I know it's because of his BPD.  I want my kids to have a better life and I know I deserve a better life... .   I need to make the steps to fix this unpredictable, chaotic lifestyle.  ANY ADVICE IS APPRECIATED?   huh

[longing4life]

Posts: 5


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Relating to almost EVERYONE'S story

« on: Yesterday at 08:36:43 AM »

   Reply with quoteQuote

Okay, here it goes... .

I'm really just looking for people that are going through the same thing I am... . I am 35 and have been married for 15 years.  Lately, it just seems to be getting worse and worse with his mood swings, reactions of rage, questions if I go ANYWHERE and twisted lies that are just rolling off of his tongue like they "really happened".  If I question anything at all he is immediately defensive and starts putting the blame on me.  When we argue (everyday) he tries to bring our 3 children into it and ask them their point of view, WHICH MAKES ME SICK!  Of course they'll side with him - I think it's because they are scared if they side with me.  I moved out 2 years ago, thinking that would help but I was still drawn to him every few days.  I have a feeling that I am co-dependent and disabled from being able to live in the real world.  I try to explain his behavior to our children but they absolutely DO NOT WANT TO HEAR OR READ ANYTHING


I have also tried to do the same.  I went as far as moving out for a year, and still I found myself being drawn to his house with his witty charm and apologies.  I since have moved everything back into his garage because I felt that I really should.  MISTAKE!  His father has enabled him since he was 13 (when his parents divorced) and I see our oldest son becoming more and more like him everyday!  I know that I am a good person and I always look for the best in things... .   THIS IS EXHAUSTING THOUGH!  I keep telling myself just to agree with everything he says and just try to stop the fight from escalating.  (even the kids yell at me "STOP FIGHTING MOMMY!" when I know it's because of his BPD.  I want my kids to have a better life and I know I deserve a better life... .   I need to make the steps to fix this unpredictable, chaotic lifestyle.  ANY ADVICE IS APPRECIATED?   huh

[VeryConfusedGirl]

I have just broken up with my BPD boyfriend. We were together 4 months, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done and also one of the most painful. They can just be so charming and charismatic and their feelings can be so intense you just want to believe, you just want to have those amazing, wonderful, thrilling experiences that made life exhilarating. But you can have that again, with someone who really loves you and would never dream of hurting you.

My ex had also been married and has 2 kids from his ex wife and he spoke about how crazy she was... . but then I realized it was him who was crazy. And I noticed how he lied to her, didn't tell her he was back in the city, gave up time with his children to go riding on his bike. I have caught him lying about things and when I bring it up he flips out. His ex wife had gained close to 100 lbs and was on major anti depressants near the end of their marriage. I don't like telling people what to do, but when it comes to this disease you HAVE to leave. I know the duration of my relationship was very short, but I can still identify because it's also so recent, I feel like I went to hell and back. I had to be so careful with what I said. He added a girl onto his phone and because of the expression on my face he went ballistic, and the rage just continued to grow in a matter of minutes. Without even saying anything I was to blame. I became this horrible person. It took him 3 or 4 days to get over it and somehow I ended up apologizing. This was contrary to reason. There are things we are willing to compromise on for love, for the opportunity to experience one of life's greatest pleasures. But it's now no longer a pleasure, it is hellish, it is abuse in the most pervasive form. When someone loves you they do not damage you. I know  in my heart that I deeply loved him, when he was good. And in my dreams he returns to me as the good bf he once was and that is enough for me. I prefer the loneliness of existence to the hell and trauma and abuse of the borderline. You reach a point when you no longer recognize yourself, you become this weeping victim, this person who holds onto love at any cost even though it's destroying you. It's never to late to leave. It's never too late to give yourself an opportunity at happiness.

[Scout99]

I am sorry to hear about the hard time that you are in!

15 years is a long time and just taking your stuff and leave is not so simple when you have kids and especially not since your H seems to have a lot of power over them, (or is it just one or two of them?), must be very hard and makes the whole thing that much more vulnerable for you... .

I am not much one to give advice, especially since most of us, me included, doesn't really like it when others tell me what I should or shouldn't do... .

But I can share what I myself do these days when I find myself in times of trouble... . And things start to seem overwhelming and I loose focus on myself and it all just starts to feel like chaos has moved in... . I simply try to establish some structure... . That is I sit down or go for a walk and bring with me a notebook... . Something concrete in all the mess, and a pen. And I sit down and write first some questions for myself, and then I begin to search for my answers... . Making questions is mostly easier than figuring out what I really want... . One tends to get a bit preoccupied with what they want, so my I tends to hang a bit loose when things get chaotic... . So I sometimes have to wait a bit for an answer to some questions to arrive... .

Typical questions I ask myself is:

What are the pros and cons of this situation?

What do I get out of staying, really... . Or leaving... . Really... . ?

What obstacles might occur if I choose the one or the other

Can I find a solution for X or Y problem?

Simply along those lines... . It is not meant to be answers I necessary live by then, but more a means for me to bring an end to my thinking in circles and loosing perspective and when my whole life becomes him, and not me... .

I don't know if that is helpful for anyone else, but it has helped me many times... .

Also, keep writing here, share with others and read of other members experiences... . ou are not alone in this, even If it may seem so! Many are the people here who have been through similar situations, and have found solutions sometimes by leaving, sometimes through staying.

Regardless, You are worth  a life free from daily chaos and fear, and to be loved and cherished for who you are! And so does your kids!

Best wishes

Scout99