Memories of BAD times fade away, unfortunately

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all!

I went NC with my ex some time ago because things got so bad that I couldn't stay anymore. I couldn't take all the suicide threats. During our last encounter I had to wrestle with her on the shoulder of the freeway because she said she was gonna jump under a car.

So after some time of NC, I find that the memories of the bad times slowly fade away, leaving me with memories of my hopes and dreams that I had of being with her in the future. And this leaves me with a sad and bitter feeling... I had such high hopes for us...

Why does that happen? Why can't the memories of the good times fade away instead of the bad ones? That would make detaching so much easier. Most importantly, how can I keep the sad feelings in check? Any advice would be appreciated...

[cska]

Hey all!

I went NC with my ex some time ago because things got so bad that I couldn't stay anymore. I couldn't take all the suicide threats. During our last encounter I had to wrestle with her on the shoulder of the freeway because she said she was gonna jump under a car.

So after some time of NC, I find that the memories of the bad times slowly fade away, leaving me with memories of my hopes and dreams that I had of being with her in the future. And this leaves me with a sad and bitter feeling... I had such high hopes for us...

Why does that happen? Why can't the memories of the good times fade away instead of the bad ones? That would make detaching so much easier. Most importantly, how can I keep the sad feelings in check? Any advice would be appreciated...

[Reg]

cska,

I don't know if it is a solution for you.  But I did learn a lot about borderline and it's symptoms, and have been able to bring everything together by writing down my own story.  It confronted me with the good moments, but when I look back at it there were many more bad moments than good ones.

Understanding borderline has made me understand that this is something without a future.  It has also learned me a lot about myself.  I have changed in a lot of ways.

My ex has borderline and knows she has it but lives in denial with a group of borderline friends/lovers... .

It is strange ballet of 'love', hate and abuse, pushing and pulling, etc

Actually I finished my book today, now it's ready for a re-read and for me personally it was a great form of therapy.  I'm now at a stage where my ex is still trying all kinds of things to get my attention.  And today it did even put a smile on my face.

I realised I am the lucky one, the one that has a chance to experience real love again, not to let me treat as an object.  But someone who loves me for who I am and whom I can love for whom she really is. No BPD.  That is a great gift, and one that borderlines in denial will never experience.

We get a new chance, so take it with both of your hands !

Reg

[Moonie75]

Amen Brother Reg

[Octoberfest]

cska,

we seem to have the opposite problems 

I am constantly remembering and reminded of the instances where she hurt me or betrayed me or lied to me or all three. THOSE are the things I remember, the "good" times not so much.  I think I still harbor a lot of hurt, almost like a child would, that someone who I cared so much for and opened myself up to, made myself vulnerable to, would take advantage of me and hurt me like she did.  I had/have quite a trauma bond with my BPDex... . I don't think it is a stretch to say I have stockholm syndrome to some extent when it comes to her.  It's an awful, confusing feeling, knowing how hurtful and spiteful a person is, knowing that they hurt me both unintentionally AND intentionally, knowing that that is ALL they are capable of doing, and yet still finding myself holding on to SOMETHING, not able to completely cast off.  It is infuriating.


The grass is always greener on the other side, my friend 

[Undone123]

I think everyone feels like this! It's amazing what they can do and we "forget"... .

Documenting is definitely the best way... . I'm still remembering stuff. Most is posted on here. I found this really helpful. You can't take bpdfamily with you, but its there when you want it (if that makes sense). Pick it up, and remind yourself of the bad. Remember bad things, post something. It's like a diary of my journey this site... . Last month I was so done with posting. So done with BPD. But this relationship took something of me that I'll never get back, and I don't know what it is. I just know I'm not the same person I was before... . So writing really helps provide clarity. Also the odd laugh.

When I was first discarded I made a list, and there was something like 176 separate incidents or problems. I got rid of it, as I thought "I was over it". But I wish I'd kept it to remind myself of the crap. Now I just look at my old posts... .

Write, write, write. 

[Learning_curve74]

Documenting is definitely the best way... .

When I was first discarded I made a list, and there was something like 176 separate incidents or problems. I got rid of it, as I thought "I was over it". But I wish I'd kept it to remind myself of the crap. Now I just look at my old posts... .

Write, write, write. 

This is exactly what a friend of mine told me to do. Write down everything that was awful about the relationship, and then any time I'm starting to feel weak, I should read it!  I'm sure it will make me feel: 

[ObiRedKenobi]

I think a list is a great idea. I almost started one but I have a list of horrible experiences that I can recall on command. And keep remembering new ones. Should those memories ever start to fade I will need to write them down. I can remember her face her tone of voice the names and accusations. I try to remember these when I'm missing her and hold onto those memories pretty closely. I'm not bitter about it I don't think thats healthy but it helps me remember there is a reason why I do not want to be in a relationship with her.