Dealing with Depression

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been PMing with a non who feels they cannot go on, and who has posted prior about not wanting to live.  This person cannot afford a T.

I am experienced  with depression, and will continue to reach out.  But I don't claim to have all the answers.  Plus,my experience here informs me that there are many knowledgeable folks who can help.

[Hurtbad]

I have been PMing with a non who feels they cannot go on, and who has posted prior about not wanting to live.  This person cannot afford a T.

I am experienced  with depression, and will continue to reach out.  But I don't claim to have all the answers.  Plus,my experience here informs me that there are many knowledgeable folks who can help.

[cska]

I'm so sorry about their pain.

Its terrible pain I know. Please push through, it gets better, I'm talking from experience. I was in pain today as well, but it gets more bearable with time. My NC is as old as yours, and before I isolated myself from my ex's social networking sites, she would also post similar hurtful messages, I know, it hurts like hell, I know, it was the worst pain I have ever felt in  my life, but it does get better.

Please hang in there, you're in my thoughts and prayers!

[danley]

I don't what state this person lives in, but I know there are a few organizations who provide free counseling to those who can't afford it. Also, depending on where the member works the employer may offer a free counseling program... . confidential. I have also known of a few individuals who have sought counseling thru local churches, IF this member is interested in advice on a spiritual level. If this member is a student at a university, most offer confidential free counseling. If this person is a military or government employee, there is a free confidential program called EPA. ALSO, there is this website and forum filled with tons of well experienced and supportive people who are willing to help if this member chooses to reach out.

Don't give up. If you need help there are plenty of options. We all know what you're going thru. It's not an easy thing. But you have to believe that this state you're in WILL pass. There are so many things to be grateful for... . one of them is your life. NC is hard! It's like trying to get off a drug or cigarettes. You do it for YOUR benefit and for YOUR healing. It's simply a detox. The first few days or weeks will be difficult. I know how you feel. And I've failed many times. But each time I failed, I realize it was getting nauseating to start quitting from scratch. But don't give up. Pick yourself up and try again. Each time you get back up, you get stronger and wiser. Some people are fortunate to be able to go cold turkey with NC. I am/was not that fortunate! But either way, it's a detoxifying experience that's meant for your own healing. And you deserve a chance to heal. Be kind to yourself.

[cska]

When I was in unbearable pain, I went to the crisis center a couple of times, its a free 24-hr counseling service. If you call the suicide prevention hotline, they can tell you the crisis center locations in your area. The crisis centers have therapists and social workers on staff 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

[Octoberfest]

I will share something that my T said on our first meeting, after hearing my story.  She told me, "It may not seem like it now, but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you".

It may not seem like it now, but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

Dealing with these people, with the relationships with these people, is hell. Pure and simple.  Far too often we care too much for our own good. We give and give of ourselves to these people, out of love, in an attempt to "save" or "heal" them, and often because it is just in our nature to be empathetic.

NONE of these qualities are bad.  We are NOT WEAK OR WRONG for having loved someone so, for having cared about another human being as much as we did our BPDex's, for giving of ourselves, sacrificing our wants and needs in an attempt to make someone else smile.  

All of these traits are ones TO BE ADMIRED.  We simply put our time and energy into the wrong person.  Here too, we need not feel stupid or foolish. pwBPD are MASTERS at their craft; they know how to get people to care for them, to give to them, to love them.  They are world class emotional con artists, running the highest stakes ponzi schemes out there, whether it be on purpose or not.

Many of us form trauma bonds with our BPDex's and no matter how awful the abuse, how poorly they treat us, we JUST CAN'T LET GO.  We feel WRONG, as though we are giving up on these people, abandoning them. It is mild Stockholm Syndrome to be truthful.

Here are some FACTS:

1. We do not/did not control what our BPDex's do.  They are adults with their own choices and lives to live.  Whatever path they CHOOSE to walk is their own business.

I know that I was exasperated that my BPDex continued to go and cheat on me and further break the relationship after she met my family.  She comes from a broken home, doesn't know her father, doesn't get along with her mother, with overbearing grandparents, the whole nine yards.  I brought her with me home to meet my parents several times and she was welcomed into our home with open arms.  My parents new of her indiscretions, but they also knew that I loved her and was trying to make it work.  They laughed with her, shared stories, everything.  My BPDex was shown a family that was whole, that loved each other, one that she could have maybe one day become part of.  And she CHOSE to go and cheat more and pass that opportunity up.

2. It IS NOT OUR JOB to save them.  They are adults with their own choices and lives to live. Whatever path they CHOOSE to walk is their own business

3. They ARE NOT our last hope for love/a partner.  The world is an AWFULLY big place and if you really put yourself out there, you NEVER KNOW what you will find.  Incredible opportunities lay around every corner, but you will never find them if you don't go looking.

I met my BPDex when I was broke down on the side of the road with some friends waiting for a tow at midnight, drunk. We had taken the long route home for some reason, just stupid I think, and happened to be stopped in the middle of my college campus.  While we waited my BPDex went jogging by, having decided to go for a run at midnight on her first night in town.  I hollered at her as she ran by and we started a conversation.  We dated for 9 months after that day. It was an awful relationship marred by lies and cheating, but WOW, what a life experience. All because we HAPPENED to take the long route home and she HAPPENED to be running by at that exact moment (I maintain that GOOD things can happen randomly too   )

4. Life DOES go on.

It is hard right now.  It is hell. We often don't see the point in life, we see the world in shades of gray, we have trouble finding the motivation to live... .

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  

Most all of us here have felt that way. It sucks, BAD.  But it DOES get better.  We slowly start to live again, and when we do, we are never the same as we were before our BPDex's.  That might sound scary, but in truth it is a MASSIVE positive.  We have seen the bad side of relationships; the lies, the manipulation, the infidelity, the hurt, the pain.  And because of it, we can SO MUCH BETTER appreciate the good side; the love, the warmth, the connection with someone that goes BOTH ways.  You don't really appreciate the day until you have been lost in the night.

We are wiser for having gone through this.  These relationships are a trial of sorts; a journey that we have embarked on.  It is almost a proving grounds; we find out what we are really made of.  If we had not undertaken this task, we would never know.

Bottom line, WE CAN DO BETTER.


I am very sorry that you are feeling as down as you are.  God knows I have been there, and again, it SUCKS.  But YOU CAN get through it. This community exists because people HAVE gone through what you are feeling now, and HAVE gotten through it. We take time to post and support each other because we know what a great gift it is to know that SOMEONE cares.  We all do; we are all here for each other.

Strength, peace, and grace to you.

[Surnia]

This is probably a good time for members to look at the suicide ideation protocol.

This footer appears at the end of every thread.  Hit the emergency button to get a do's and don'ts list generated from interviews with suicide hot-line directors and research on the subject.

[cska]

I needed this thread as much as anyone did. We're all in pain here, some of us are further along in the healing process, but we've all been through this wretched pain that you're going through. We know what its like. And we can beat it together. That'e why we're a family. Hang in there!

[Learning_curve74]

If the pain is too much, PLEASE call the suicide prevention hotline and find the nearest crisis center as suggested by cska. A national hotline in the US is 1-800-273-8255.

You probably feel intense pain from being hurt by your ex. Maybe a painful emptiness and void that used to be the relationship between you two. You might feel like you are unloveable, why are you being treated like you are? It might feel like going on would be more painful than not, that life is pointless without your ex. I am guessing this is how you feel because many years ago I was also contemplating suicide and these were the feelings I had. I planned out my suicide and by all rights should be dead.

If I had not made a very short phone call to the suicide hotline before I carried out my plans, I would not be here today. To be honest, it wasn't necessarily anything specific that the person on the other end of the phone line said that changed my mind. But it was enough to keep me from making a decision that I could not take back.

Life can always change. You feel awful now. It's possible to feel terrific in the future. There is nothing wrong with you. You have a future that is unbounded by restrictions on your happiness, and I know this because I have followed a path from the lowest point you are at now to where I am now. I know you are in pain yet I know you are also stronger than you think. You ARE worthy of being ALIVE. You WILL be IMPORTANT to somebody who truly loves you. Even though it feels inconceivable now, the hurt WILL pass.

Maybe years down the line it will be YOU, Hurtbad's PM friend, who is spilling your guts out on a message board in the middle of the night trying to give hope to another person who needs it. None of us are alone, somebody understands. Please, you ARE worthy of life, you will eventually heal and the pain will no longer be.  

[Clearmind]

It's hard to see in the middle of it, but depression is temporary, and the feelings will pass. I have been there as have many of our members and staff members - so I get it. This is a reminder to all of us that we must take care of ourselves first and foremost. Being kind to us really is the best thing we can do for us.

There is wonderful support and helpful advice from our members here and strongly encourage anyone who feels depressed to reach out to a hotline in your country and to staff. If you would like to contact staff we are more than willing to provide an ear and remember you are not alone. We have 60,000 members who get it.

We encourage all members to post about their feelings as gaining the insight of many can really help in seeing the facts of the disorder and help to balance and center our emotions. Staff can assist members where needed. Reach out.

Be kind to you.

Clearmind

[Undone123]

If they are in the UK there is a great charity that you can just walk into and talk. They have qualified people on site My advice is... .

Posting on here, getting it off ones chest.

Reclaiming myself and doing things I did previously to the relationship.

AND... . Talking. I felt the need to protect her, so didn't talk to anyone. Push came to shove, I was getting too deep into depression. The smear campaign was too much. So I opened up. And you know what? Those who love and know you, will be there for you. They may not "understand" as a BPD relationship is exceptionally unique. But in my case the smear was nasty, and it was just nice to know those who know me didn't believe a word of it!

[musicfan42]

I know that life feels unbearable right now. I have been there in the past. I felt like a failure and weak. But depression is a sign of a strong person who's been strong for too long... who has been helping everyone else and putting themselves last. You are a good person and I think you are amazing for talking about it with HurtBad. That was a really important first step that you made. I know that the emotions feel unbearable right now however please keep reaching out. There are good people here who are willing to help-willing to provide a listening ear. Sometimes, just having someone there to listen can ease the emotional distress. Just having someone there to listen and not judge and to truly understand how you're feeling.

There is suffering in life however life is worth living in spite of the pain. You can build a life worth living for yourself-at the moment, it probably doesn't feel worth living. Maybe you have had setbacks, maybe things haven't gone your way. But you can start again. You can reach out and take the help. I know that a lot of people here are caretakers-looking after everyone but themselves. I had to learn how to take care of myself-it wasn't a skill I had but it was a skill I learned. You deserve to be helped-everyone deserves help. There are times in everyone's life when we need help and asking for help is truly the bravest act that anyone can do. It takes courage and I know that you can do it. I believe in you.

I would strongly urge you to contact your local G.P-he/she can keep an eye on you and perhaps refer you onto reduced cost counselling. There are some therapists who have just graduated or who are still training who provide counselling services at a lower cost.

There are mental health charities too that have support groups for depression. Please find a support group in your locality. Try and get in touch with a local mental health charity as some of them will provide free services. I used a mental health charity when I felt depressed and it was really helpful! Talking about it and listening to other peoples' stories is so helpful because it reminds you that you're not alone-that other people understand. And indeed, you're not alone. 1 in 4 people experience depression at some point in their life.

If you feel strongly suicidal and think you're going to act on it, please call emergency services in your hospital immediately (911/999 depending on what country you are in).

There is a fantastic website here: www.studentsagainstdepression.org/get-support/check-suicide-and-self-harm/feeling-like-you-want-to-die/

Please take a look at it-there is a section on what to do with suicidal ideation, depression etc.

I found Distress Tolerance skills very helpful for dealing with suicidal ideation. This may involve making a pros and cons list, practicing self-soothing techniques e.g. having a bath, using moisturizer, spraying perfume, listening to music, having a cup of tea, wear warm soft clothing, having a shower, reading a book, go for a walk etc. It sounds simplistic however it can be extremely helpful to get through an emotional crisis without making it worse. There is a DBT Skills Workbook in pdf version here if you'd like to take a look at the distress tolerance skills in detail: www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf (they start on pg 60)

[gallerykey]

I am Hurtbads pm friend in need, taken a lot for me to post admitting this.

At first I was angry and upset he had posted but I know it was done with good intentions and care.

I am not in a good place right now, just feels everyone says its ok it will get better and I know it will but i dont know it will if that makes sense.

Anyway, to update, i have just found out that yes no surprise he is with someone else already. His excuse, "it just happened" is not true. I am from the uk and where he is staying is not near where this new gf is, he added her on fb 27th july, met her on 31 july and posing for couple pictures already. He would of had to of travelled a good 2 hours to see her, hes only on benefits so wont be able to afford the petrol to go see her often unless of course she does what i did and pay for everything. At this stage in a way it makes me stronger knowing hes done this as that was my boundary, no cheating! Of course the pain and hurt is horrific and i cant see a way beyond this im afraid but i can and will hold onto my values of a 1 on 1 relationship only, never an excuse to cheat in my eyes.

I know his new relationship is doomed already, it always will be no matter who its with. He either wont cope with the distance so will be all over her with messages etc... . or it will be the same again as out of sight out of mind, but NOT my problem.

My problem is me. Waiting for counselling through my doctor but know that can take 6-8weeks so you may see or hear alot of me on here and I thank you all for being supportive and caring, especially Hurtbad, I am forever grateful for your kind caring words.

Now im off for a good cry

[Undone123]

Walk in to a charity called "Mind". Talk. Counselors are on site, it's free, and instant.

[Clearmind]

imj72, trust that you will get through this and yes there is help. While you are waiting for the doctor, free support is out there. Its paramount you starting talking to someone. Its likely you have government assisted practitioners.

You didn't do this to him. He is sick.

How is your support network? Friends, family, Pastor?

[Hurtbad]

imj72,

I am so glad you read the posts of these fellow members.  I have a T, but it was the combination of that and these folks that got me though the worst of times.  I am extra happy that you are not angry with me.  I have very powerful feelings about the preciousness of life, a feeling that is augmented, as you will see, by sailing over the rough seas and appreciating even the little things.

As do the others here,  I want for you to feel better... . and yo will.  :)o what you have to do to get the T help.  

Someone above talked about how life is better now.  A few weeks ago  I might have read that and thought they were being overly rose-colored in their view.  Well, I have to tell you... . I played two hockey games tonight, watched a movie with my grandson and fil... ed my column on time... . all without living on eggshells, or stressing over whether I texted fast enough after the games, or spent to much time with the little guy.  Nor did i have to hear complaints about my writing late at night.  tomorrow looks bright. No BS... it took time, but I got better... . even as I have a ways to go.  I have said it before and I will say it again: God bless this site and the people on it. Post here.  Share and open up here. It was a gift that we found it.

Get that T.  Post.  

HB

[Clearmind]

HB, you mentioned in your original post that you are no stranger to depression. Apart from a T how did you move through it?

[Hurtbad]

Clearmind,

The T and medication... . although when I suffered my severe bout the meds were not as effective as they are today.  There were no SSRI's.  By far the most important factors were the T, and the fact that I had a new baby.  The child gave me a reason not to quit, even as I went through the worst kinds of symptoms.  the extra significance there was that I had been abandoned twice as small child first by my birth mother and then by my foster family.  Needless to say it set the stage for a lot of problems, and surely contributed to my attachment and loss with my BPDgf.  But it also was a gift at that time, because even though I wanted to die... . if you will... . I set my mind never to abandon my daughter.  The most important skills I learned were to live a day at a time, that I could not have closure on  everything at one time, and learning to live with doubt and anxiety. Another key thing was patience.  I had to come to a point whereby I accepted my limitations... . phobias, panic attacks, inability to concentrate etc. ... . and wait for the day when I would be better.  Another thing, which you have encountered in your work, I am sure, is the process of acting "as-if."  In my head I used to call it bifurcating;my T called it compartmentalization. this is all to say that yo have to live with the terror and pain side by side.  you act as if you are okay, but maybe y have been obsessing over something you did when you were a kid.

The thing that sufferers need to know, that I learned form my T at the low point... although I did not believe him either... . is that you did not feel hopeless it would not be serious depression... . that is one of its benchmarks.  I cannot tell you how much my heart aches when I sense it in someone else.

This all sound horrible, I know; without your asking,  i will tell yo I have a wonderful life and appreciate very day, because I thought it was all lost to me.

I recently published a book in serial-form in the newspaper... . it ran for 65 weeks... . and is being released in hard cover early next year.  It title is NO GUARANTEES. 

You know,  I never thought I would come near that pain again until the end of this relationship.  the god thing is that it was just the pain without the spiral or phobias etc.  It was... . in a sense... . a more expected response about which i was able to use what I back then.  But what I want you to know, is that this site was the turning point for me.  I could not get my head around what my BPD did to me.  I will be forever grateful, and hope I can help others as much as you all have helped me.  My point is that beating depression is not a lifelong vaccine against pain.  It give you tools to deal with it, but you still need support, knowledge of what you are dealing with and insight.  I got that here.  OH, I am sure I am not all out of the woods yet. I need this place.

HB

Hurtbad

[PDQuick]

There is a lot of emotion in this thread and a lot of openness... . some of the real heart and depth of bpdfamily is on display here.

I wanted to share a few guidelines and to say that the guidelines in general, and these guidelines in particular, were developed based on years of case experiences and seeing what plays out on a healthy way and what does not.  They are not about control - but rather maintaining a healthy healing environment.

I'm sharing them for learning purposes.  We are all here to learn everydayas we post.

1.9 Confidentiality: Members having off-board information about another member shall not disclose it. Off-board is defined as anything not posted by the member, themselves, publicly, on the bpdfamily/bpdfamily.com message board.

6.3 Personal Messages: This message board has a personal message (PM) capability so that members may contact one another privately. Members are encouraged to use this function with discretion. It is suggested that members not provide extensive offline consultations - instead encourage others to post their questions and ideas publicly.  [Note: The PM database is swept periodically, removing messages more than 90 days old.]

[Hurtbad]

I did not realize that the above post, by me, was public.  I mistakenly thought that when a message came through on my personal email that is was a pm.  Now I see that when the site moderators post, I sometimes send a message about the post, but is not a pm, as such, just a notification.  

I appreciated the notice you sent out and wanted to assure you that I will be mindful of your guidelines.

I cherish want you and the other moderators have done for me and others.  thank you.

[Clearmind]

Thanks for sharing HB. It really helps to hear how our members move through the pain and that there is hope at the other end of what may seem at times never ending.

When I first arrived, I chose the name Clearmind because I didn’t have one, but wanted one. I was very depressed and got myself into therapy quickly – I read a lot of information on why my partner did the things he did – in time I realized that he didn’t do it to me, he did it because he was in pain - and began to see that the reasons why I took things personally was due to my own self worth having taken a dive.

I didn’t end up taking medication however its always an option for anyone who is finding it difficult to eat and sleep – these are basic functions and if we are unable to eat and sleep it will and does make depression worse.

Depression can also be worse if we do not reach out to those that love us and we isolate ourselves. I believe its common for partners of those who date Borderlines to be very insular with their emotions – we shield and protect ourselves to the stage of avoidance.  Getting to the level of avoidance, by not sharing, is debilitating. Talking is paramount.

Its possible that during the course of your relationship you told no one, or very few about your struggles in the relationship – we became martyrs and believed that we MUST simply handle it and protect our abusers.

We are no longer needing to protect our abusers because they have since allowed us to move on with our life – stress free.

Recognize that its possible you are isolating yourself to avoid whatever emotions are cropping up for you and also understand that by doing so you are re-creating the depression cycle all over again.

Reach out and talk and post onboard - don't be ashamed of your emotions and how you feel because this is a safe place for us all  .

[Hurtbad]

Thanks Clearmind,

To your point, that is exactly what this site did for me and continues to do.  Indeed, it... . with help from my T... . kept me from sliding into a deeper.  My best friend and, belive it, my daughter were great.  But as you know most folks will empathize but, at the ed of the day, they cannot relate.  UNtil I came to this site I could not get my head around what my BPD did. I knew she had a problem, but I never dreamed she could do what she did; it absolutely devastated me... . thus my screen name.  I am totally open when I post.  It is quite something to realized that my story is such a common one.

I will continue to need help as I keep getting better. I only hope my posts are as useful to others as their have been for me.

HB

[Undone123]

Thanks for sharing HB. It really helps to hear how our members move through the pain and that there is hope at the other end of what may seem at times never ending.

When I first arrived, I chose the name Clearmind because I didn’t have one, but wanted one. I was very depressed and got myself into therapy quickly – I read a lot of information on why my partner did the things he did – in time I realized that he didn’t do it to me, he did it because he was in pain - and began to see that the reasons why I took things personally was due to my own self worth having taken a dive.

I didn’t end up taking medication however its always an option for anyone who is finding it difficult to eat and sleep – these are basic functions and if we are unable to eat and sleep it will and does make depression worse.

Depression can also be worse if we do not reach out to those that love us and we isolate ourselves. I believe its common for partners of those who date Borderlines to be very insular with their emotions – we shield and protect ourselves to the stage of avoidance.  Getting to the level of avoidance, by not sharing, is debilitating. Talking is paramount.

Its possible that during the course of your relationship you told no one, or very few about your struggles in the relationship – we became martyrs and believed that we MUST simply handle it and protect our abusers.

We are no longer needing to protect our abusers because they have since allowed us to move on with our life – stress free.

Recognize that its possible you are isolating yourself to avoid whatever emotions are cropping up for you and also understand that by doing so you are re-creating the depression cycle all over again.

Reach out and talk and post onboard - don't be ashamed of your emotions and how you feel because this is a safe place for us all  .

So important to remember that!