It doesn't work to reward them

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Something the stop walking on egg shells book say is that you should reward your BPD parent or spouse once he or she does something right.

Admittedly sometimes I haven't done so with my mother because I have thought that whatever thing she did right, couldn't make it up for the insults or the stupidities she previously did before becoming "functional" again.

My last argument with her was a week ago, I was sitting down in peace, eating some dinner and watching TV, she started telling me about her new friend.  A lady she met at the clinic she goes to get regular check ups.

I was like "okay"  then she tried to involve me in the conversation by asking me to give her some sort of advice on something her new friend told her.  I really really didn't want to talk but she started with the "so please, give me some advice, say something"

So I tried to be calmed and gave her my opinion on the matter.  Then she started to connect situations and people and ended up talking about the whole "when you were kids and i was always under pressure" subject.

She is like a broken record... .

She always does that so she can get some recognition from me, because she says, that despite her anger episodes, she always took good care of us. (she wants a medal, maybe?)

I was pissed and I told her to not do this to me again. To make me talk about a real situation and ask me for advice, when in reality all she wanted was to bring up the past once again... .

When my brother came home I told him "see, no matter what i do, no matter i tried to not talk, no matter i tried to be objective, your mother forced me participate in another nonsense conversation"

he, as he acts as her very personal psychologist, told her "don't you see, she doesn't need lectures anymore? she doesn't need moral stories, she doesn't need you at all, period, respect that give her some space"

I was very pissed and i told her, "right now I need the house as i haven't found another place to go, and I will be here for some months, but my brother is right, I don't need you nor your lectures anymore, please please what words do i use to ask you to leave me alone?"

She seemed quite depressed after that and she started to be calmed and started to do things right, like talking to me just for necessary things.  

I went out with a friend today and i came back and realized that someone on Facebook had invited me to an engagement breakfast party tomorrow morning.  

But it was very short notice I couldn't find anyone to go with me.  My mother has behaved well over the last week or so, so i asked her that if she wanted to go and have breakfast at the party with me.

And she said "of course not"

And then she just went to sleep.  Nice, rewarding them for what they do right doesn't seem to work.

She was locked here all day without seeing anyone.  She should have been grateful that I invited her to the party,  it is an engagement party so there are gonna be a lot of ladies her age around (the mothers of the bride and groom, the aunties... . etc)

She is so radical, that if i, in a moment of anger told her i didnt need her, she took it literally who knows until when.

Can't be bothered anymore to even ask why she acts like this.

I feel i am more and more disconnected from her every time.

I guess this is it, I wont be nice nor I will offer her anything anymore.

Did I do wrong, by asking her to come to the party?

Now I think, i should have never do so.  I feel quite stupid.

[Blonde Mermaid]

Something the stop walking on egg shells book say is that you should reward your BPD parent or spouse once he or she does something right.

Admittedly sometimes I haven't done so with my mother because I have thought that whatever thing she did right, couldn't make it up for the insults or the stupidities she previously did before becoming "functional" again.

My last argument with her was a week ago, I was sitting down in peace, eating some dinner and watching TV, she started telling me about her new friend.  A lady she met at the clinic she goes to get regular check ups.

I was like "okay"  then she tried to involve me in the conversation by asking me to give her some sort of advice on something her new friend told her.  I really really didn't want to talk but she started with the "so please, give me some advice, say something"

So I tried to be calmed and gave her my opinion on the matter.  Then she started to connect situations and people and ended up talking about the whole "when you were kids and i was always under pressure" subject.

She is like a broken record... .

She always does that so she can get some recognition from me, because she says, that despite her anger episodes, she always took good care of us. (she wants a medal, maybe?)

I was pissed and I told her to not do this to me again. To make me talk about a real situation and ask me for advice, when in reality all she wanted was to bring up the past once again... .

When my brother came home I told him "see, no matter what i do, no matter i tried to not talk, no matter i tried to be objective, your mother forced me participate in another nonsense conversation"

he, as he acts as her very personal psychologist, told her "don't you see, she doesn't need lectures anymore? she doesn't need moral stories, she doesn't need you at all, period, respect that give her some space"

I was very pissed and i told her, "right now I need the house as i haven't found another place to go, and I will be here for some months, but my brother is right, I don't need you nor your lectures anymore, please please what words do i use to ask you to leave me alone?"

She seemed quite depressed after that and she started to be calmed and started to do things right, like talking to me just for necessary things.  

I went out with a friend today and i came back and realized that someone on Facebook had invited me to an engagement breakfast party tomorrow morning.  

But it was very short notice I couldn't find anyone to go with me.  My mother has behaved well over the last week or so, so i asked her that if she wanted to go and have breakfast at the party with me.

And she said "of course not"

And then she just went to sleep.  Nice, rewarding them for what they do right doesn't seem to work.

She was locked here all day without seeing anyone.  She should have been grateful that I invited her to the party,  it is an engagement party so there are gonna be a lot of ladies her age around (the mothers of the bride and groom, the aunties... . etc)

She is so radical, that if i, in a moment of anger told her i didnt need her, she took it literally who knows until when.

Can't be bothered anymore to even ask why she acts like this.

I feel i am more and more disconnected from her every time.

I guess this is it, I wont be nice nor I will offer her anything anymore.

Did I do wrong, by asking her to come to the party?

Now I think, i should have never do so.  I feel quite stupid.

[GeekyGirl]

You weren't being stupid by inviting your mother. It was a nice thing to do, and you shouldn't feel bad about that.

Are you angry that your mother shut you out or are you angry that she didn't recognize your effort to reward her?

I've found that in both personal and professional situations that the reward needs to be something of value to the person being rewarded. If your mother wasn't interested in the party, that doesn't mean that you did something wrong. It just means that she wasn't interested in the party. Maybe there's some other way to reward your mother that would be more effective. Does she have a favorite hobby, or something that she likes to do with you? If she's a coffee drinker, maybe a trip to Starbucks would be a reward that would work for her. If she's fond of exercise, maybe you could go for a walk with her. What else could you try next time to thank her for acting appropriately? It doesn't have to be big--sometimes a simple, "Thank you," is enough.

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi Blonde Mermaid!

I get where you are coming from COMPLETELY.  Even after years of therapy and reading etc., I'm still baffled when I invite my Mother to an event, and she just doesn't show up... what the heck?  You aren't stupid at all.  You are trying to be kind to someone who may lack the ability to feel empathy or compassion, so it is not your fault nor is it surprising for her to react in inappropriate ways when you try to be kind to her.

I have discovered that a very important part of a functional relationship with my BPD is establishing very clear boundaries.  When my mother respects boundaries that I have clearly established, her "reward" (if you want to call it that) is that I am willing to spend time with her.  Often times, setting boundaries involves being extremely explicit. 

For example, if she starts talking about something I don't want to talk about, I might say "Ok, stop right there, we've reached my limit and I can't talk about this any more,"  Then I change the subject.  If she keeps talking about it, I might leave (If I'm around her) and go to a different room, or I might quickly cut off the conversation and hang up if I'm on the phone by saying "Ok, I have to go now."

The only thing that seems to be somewhat predictable with my BPD is that when I say "No" clearly, she does actually hear it.  It has taken years to get to this point, but I started very much where you are, stuck living with her and trying to navigate lots of enFamily.  You can do it!  You deserve to protect yourself from her ambushes!  And like the book says- don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work.  Congratulate yourself for trying!