Black/white thinking regarding the r/s

[empathic]

Hi all, it's me again.

My wife and I are currently at a low point in our r/s. We don't have fights, more like high-anxiety discussions, but they're not getting us anywhere anymore. During our last late-night talk she tried negotiating that we should get closer by hugging more etc. But for me that is not something that can be done by treaty, it must come naturally, mustn't it?

I also noticed that she seems to view even the entire r/s in black/white thinking. Either we are that lovely couple that go on romantic mini-vacations. OR we're done, the r/s is dead. I don't view it quite so dramatic - I was actually thinking we'd made progress, been able to do fun things together as a family, had finished some rather big projects at home etc.

So either I fullfil everything she wants me to, to make the r/s "perfect", or we're doomed. To me, this feels like an ultimatum.

[Validation78]

Hi Empathic!

Of course you know that the B&W thinking is common BPD behavior. Your logic is sound, her's is disordered!

One thing I want to caution you on is fulfilling all of her wishes. That really won't solve anything in the long run. She'll keep raising the bar, and never really be satisfied because the real problem isn't being addressed.

What are you doing to communicate better and set boundaries? What is she doing differently to deal with her illness? Here's where you'll make progress!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[empathic]

Hi Empathic!

Of course you know that the B&W thinking is common BPD behavior. Your logic is sound, her's is disordered!

Thanks, I do know this, sometimes it helps to hear someone validate it though.

One thing I want to caution you on is fulfilling all of her wishes. That really won't solve anything in the long run. She'll keep raising the bar, and never really be satisfied because the real problem isn't being addressed.

You're right. This is what has worn me out. Before I could feel good about making her happy, but there was always a new problem around the corner. Some issues have been particularly draining, like spending endless hours listening to her complain about how she is being treated by her brother, and trying to come up with solutions - then one day suddenly he is painted white and I'm treated like the "bad guy".

What are you doing to communicate better and set boundaries? What is she doing differently to deal with her illness? Here's where you'll make progress!

I invest a lot less emotionally during our discussions now, but it's made the distance between us grow as she notices my detachment (and even asked me if I was having an affair!). Problem is she's not dealing with her illness at all. Quite the contrary, she seems to now consider it a part of who she is (well she's right there) and that others will just have to put up with it. She can't really see how it affects other people.

I think I have a lot more boundaries in place now, but don't know what to do from there... . how do you go back to loving someone who has treated you so badly? Maybe I dwell on the past too much, but when talking to her I keep thinking of things she's said and done that really are totally unacceptable.

[Validation78]

Hi again Empathic!

Sounds like you are becoming more aware of what being in a relationship with a pwBPD will require. It takes time to learn these things, as it is somewhat out of the norm compared to other relationships we have been in.

To answer your question about how you continue to love someone who has treated you so badly... . 2 things come to mind Radical acceptance and forgiveness. If you love her, and think that you can manage her behaviors, while taking care of yourself and your needs, God bless you! It's hard, but doable. There are many folks on the staying board who do it. It's a very personal choice, and not an easy one. That's where I would start though, and only you can monitor how it meets your needs in the relationship!

Best Wishes,

Val78