What is with all the BPD questions?

[drv3006]

He asks questions all the time. And If I answer the question, he doesn't like the answer so I am a liar, a manupulator and asks more questions from my answer.  He says he has a right to ask questions which is fine, but geez, he don't accept the answer.    Its like a kid.  Why Why Why. If I ever answered I was screwed and if I didn't answer I was screwed.   Anyone relate to that?   Today he text me saying that I only want to communicated by text.  I won't talk to him cause he is so mean.  Then he asked why with a couple of insults attached to the question.   Don't text me if you don't want a text.   I blocked them out too.   I can't take it.  I think I have lost all my compassion.   Maybe I should ask him if he knows why?

[alliance]

Questions, questions and more questions.

In my opinion, non disordered people ask questions for information, clarity, to deepen understanding, to move a conversation along.

My experience with a disordered person was the questions were testing behavior. What they were testing wasn't always clear but it was testing.

I also have concluded asking a disordered person to explain their behavior is an invitation to disaster.

[SweetCharlotte]

If I ever answered I was screwed and if I didn't answer I was screwed.   Anyone relate to that? 

Yes, I've experienced that. And like the first reply says, it is testing behavior. Even if you get one question right, it just leads to another and eventually you fail the test.

It seemed like my uBPDh had a script in mind and my answers had to match or else I was being "willful" (his favorite word when I don't meet his expectations). The first couple years I always fell for this, always wracked my brain for the best answer or the answer he wanted. I would wind up pleading for mercy and he would hang up on me and go NC for days (this was a long-distance r/s that became a commuter marriage).

Over time, I just learned to say, "You're not going to quiz me on this." It made him less angry than when I gave the wrong answers. The behavior occurs in his pushing-me-away phase, so it's not possible to appease him. I would also try STOP responses (Sorry you feel that way/That's your opinion/Oh!/Perhaps you're right), but from what I've read here, the best is SET (Sympathy statement/Empathy statement/Truth statement). However, when he gets like this, he is supposed to do all the talking; if I say something other than to answer a question he hangs up immediately. We are currently NC and I may divorce him.

[drv3006]

Well, I am the one who hangs up in my relationship.  But I tell him I am going to because I am not going to listen to him belittle me.   He asks a question but frankly I don't think he wants and answer.  He talks and talks, and text and text and says how I dont' communicate.  All I would have to do is say something like "could I talk please say something... . "   I get blasted.

[Bulgakov]

I get questions all the time and if I try to explain myself or answer the question, I am making excuses. The overall message just seems to be, "let me yell at you and make unjustified claims... . just take it." What is left of my self respect won't allow it. But if I just shut up, I am not communicating. There is this uncanny ability in mine to ask/tell me to do something while also telling me to not do it. This skill has been perfected. Everything has a duel meaning so that anything and everything can be blamed on me for acting or not acting.

[babyducks]

I also have concluded asking a disordered person to explain their behavior is an invitation to disaster.

Oh yeah.  

[Clearmind]

When we get to the stage of feeling resentful it means that person has overstepped our limit and/or boundary. A person cannot read our mind if we don't know our own limit and begin to act out with frustration (at that person) as a default. Maybe its time to set a boundary!

Given you are on the leaving board I would assume your relationship is over – you are still invested and still fixing – why?

[clover528]

Well, I am the one who hangs up in my relationship.  But I tell him I am going to because I am not going to listen to him belittle me.   He asks a question but frankly I don't think he wants and answer.  He talks and talks, and text and text and says how I dont' communicate.  All I would have to do is say something like "could I talk please say something... . "   I get blasted.

I am almost positive, we are exes of the same man. I am not even exaggerating. It is very validating to read your feelings and how the relationship was. Know I totally understand getting blasted for wanting to say just a single word. Let me guess, if you did speak you were being childish or you never let him say what he "needs" to say. Just a hunch.

Good news is, we will be better. They will never change and will be miserable henceforth.

Stay strong. You arent alone.