Does everyone get split black?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

A simple question? Does everyone get split black? Does every partner that they subsequently date after you suffer the same fate? 

I look back (I know I shouldn't) but I think about everything I tried to do right for my ex-wife, every reasonable boundary I tried to set, every argument I tried to soothe, and wonder what the hell I could have done.   Good job (director at a University), athletic (played college sports), sympathetic and compassionate (picking her up off the floor when she was crying or depressed and complimenting her), confident, nice to her whole family, we lived in a big beautiful home in suburbs.  I tried so hard.

I just wonder how anyone could ever do more for her... . and how her new man could possibly top my effort and my value to her as a person.  I shouldn't think about it, but how on earth will anyone not be split black in her world?   

Does everyone suffer the same fate?

[expos]

A simple question? Does everyone get split black? Does every partner that they subsequently date after you suffer the same fate? 

I look back (I know I shouldn't) but I think about everything I tried to do right for my ex-wife, every reasonable boundary I tried to set, every argument I tried to soothe, and wonder what the hell I could have done.   Good job (director at a University), athletic (played college sports), sympathetic and compassionate (picking her up off the floor when she was crying or depressed and complimenting her), confident, nice to her whole family, we lived in a big beautiful home in suburbs.  I tried so hard.

I just wonder how anyone could ever do more for her... . and how her new man could possibly top my effort and my value to her as a person.  I shouldn't think about it, but how on earth will anyone not be split black in her world?   

Does everyone suffer the same fate?

[Gaslit]

YES.

It is a disorder. You didn't cause it, it was there before you, and it will be there after you.

But there is order to the disorder. Everyone who triggers the intimacy button, will eventually become black. And then she'll move on to the next person. Repeat.

It matters none, how great you were to her. You can't cure a mental disorder with kindness. That's magical thinking. And ironically, kindness seems to have the opposite effect, leading you right into the blackness, as it is equated to intimacy.

[expos]

YES.

It is a disorder. You didn't cause it, it was there before you, and it will be there after you.

But there is order to the disorder. Everyone who triggers the intimacy button, will eventually become black. And then she'll move on to the next person. Repeat.

It matters none, how great you were to her. You can't cure a mental disorder with kindness. That's magical thinking. And ironically, kindness seems to have the opposite effect, leading you right into the blackness, as it is equated to intimacy.

I have to believe you.  I sought counseling (never had to before, she pushed me over the edge after the divorce) and the doctor I sought dealt with borderlines, so that's why I chose him.  He said "don't worry about what she doing... . her new relationship has a 95% failure rate anyways".   He said it so matter-of-factly that I laughed, but he was dead serious.  It helped me cope a little... .  

[Newton]

expos... . I'd like to look for the positive... . (I'm making a habit of it now and it's kinda cool  )... .

Regrettably regarding someone suffering from untreated BPD... . I struggle to find it... . look at how many success stories there are here... . errrrm... . exactly!... .

Denial, shame, projection, splitting... . they are very destructive... . yet very efficient maladaptive coping mechanisms... .

As Gaslit suggested... . the irony is... . love and intimacy exacerbate the symptoms... . infuriating... . and true... .

[Scout99]

Hi expos!

It is clear that you are in pain right now, and then we too sometimes tend to resort to a bit of black an white thinking... . Like you are now when you think her life will be so much better with new guy... . In all likelihood it if she is not in treatment or doesn't get any help for her disorder, then it won't be any better, and probably even worse, once the initial idealization face subsides... .

Black and white thinking is however a very typical trait in BPD and a part of their problem with ability to distinguish between big and small, and an overproduction of feelings in the cortex of the brain that makes it hard or impossible depending on severity to diversify different feelings... . It is like everything is measured as massive, there are no nuances... .

The black painting serves as a defense for the intense suffering that follows every minor or major thing that they feel happens to them. A way to survive if you will. Overwhelming feelings all the time is exhausting and needs to be blocked somehow. And black and white thinking becomes like a coping skill to a pw BPD.

It has nothing to do with reality. It is literarily all in their head. And usually means blocking out good feelings about the partner in order to prevent feelings of loss and hurt from surfacing, since if they do, it is to them like getting into an avalanche... .

It is really a sign she is not indifferent to you, but instead needs to do everything she can to not allow herself to acknowledge them... .

Plugging out the old and into the new is mostly about silencing the intense need for new validation, new idealization and help forget the past. Rewriting history is another part of the spectra.

So it is really not about you or being bored with what you had or whatever reasons she may have stated for leaving. It is to find the easiest way to ease pain and increase validation, and silence the urging need that wants to be fed in order to suppress the inner void and emptiness that all pw BPD feel on the inside... .

Splitting exists on so many levels, both in separation and also in daily life within a r/s so I think it is safe to say that all partners of pw BPD will at one time or another experience it... . No fun indeed... .

But the more you read up on the disorder and gain information you will see and understand these mechanisms, the sooner you will be able to see that it really is not about you or anything being really wrong about the way you were with her but all about her and her neediness and suffering and simply just part of a disordered mind. And knowing so helps you let go of such tormenting thoughts like when we compare ourselves with their new partners.

I mean her black and white thinking makes her view new guy as better than you, but it is not the reality. And reality will set in in the new relationship too.

The good thing is that if you start working on your own recovery and learn more about both yourself and her disorder, chances are that by the time her new r/s begins to become problematic you will be in a place where you couldn't care less... . I know because I have been right where you are... .

So keep posting and keep venting and keep learning both about yourself and about BPD, and you'll see... .

My heart and my best wishes go out to you!

Scout99

[babushka]

Yes, I think they will always split you back. The more I gave and forgave in between black periods the more it hurt when I got split black again.

[Blade99d]

For me, the first time I got split black was just before new years, i had no idea what was happening.  Then it happened on my birthday, at st paddys day and at easter... . i truly thought i loved this woman.  She was incredible in my eyes... . but looking back, it was the fog and the mirror clouding me.

[Tordesillas]

I definitely experienced the splitting in the smaller context of arguments.  It would be like a threshold of frustration or emotional sensitivity was reached and then suddenly I was the enemy and she would just get completely venomous.  It could happen in an instant but never lasted longer than the argument.  

BUT

I've never experienced the long protracted periods of painting black where the person seems to have decided they hate you and want nothing more to do with you ever.  If my ex did or has done this to me, she has kept it very hidden from me.  She would have had to decide NOT to do it in front of people who she knows would say something to me.  If that is what she is doing then that suggests that she doesn't even fully believe that I'm that bad herself and knows that she is just having an emotional reaction.  OR perhaps it could mean that she is driven to keep it hidden because she fears that if I knew, I'd be less likely to let her re-engage me?

Strange.  

[WXYZ]

Hi expos!

It is clear that you are in pain right now, and then we too sometimes tend to resort to a bit of black an white thinking... . Like you are now when you think her life will be so much better with new guy... . In all likelihood it if she is not in treatment or doesn't get any help for her disorder, then it won't be any better, and probably even worse, once the initial idealization face subsides... .

Black and white thinking is however a very typical trait in BPD and a part of their problem with ability to distinguish between big and small, and an overproduction of feelings in the cortex of the brain that makes it hard or impossible depending on severity to diversify different feelings... . It is like everything is measured as massive, there are no nuances... .

The black painting serves as a defense for the intense suffering that follows every minor or major thing that they feel happens to them. A way to survive if you will. Overwhelming feelings all the time is exhausting and needs to be blocked somehow. And black and white thinking becomes like a coping skill to a pw BPD.

It has nothing to do with reality. It is literarily all in their head. And usually means blocking out good feelings about the partner in order to prevent feelings of loss and hurt from surfacing, since if they do, it is to them like getting into an avalanche... .

It is really a sign she is not indifferent to you, but instead needs to do everything she can to not allow herself to acknowledge them... .

Plugging out the old and into the new is mostly about silencing the intense need for new validation, new idealization and help forget the past. Rewriting history is another part of the spectra.

So it is really not about you or being bored with what you had or whatever reasons she may have stated for leaving. It is to find the easiest way to ease pain and increase validation, and silence the urging need that wants to be fed in order to suppress the inner void and emptiness that all pw BPD feel on the inside... .

Splitting exists on so many levels, both in separation and also in daily life within a r/s so I think it is safe to say that all partners of pw BPD will at one time or another experience it... . No fun indeed... .

But the more you read up on the disorder and gain information you will see and understand these mechanisms, the sooner you will be able to see that it really is not about you or anything being really wrong about the way you were with her but all about her and her neediness and suffering and simply just part of a disordered mind. And knowing so helps you let go of such tormenting thoughts like when we compare ourselves with their new partners.

I mean her black and white thinking makes her view new guy as better than you, but it is not the reality. And reality will set in in the new relationship too.

The good thing is that if you start working on your own recovery and learn more about both yourself and her disorder, chances are that by the time her new r/s begins to become problematic you will be in a place where you couldn't care less... . I know because I have been right where you are... .

So keep posting and keep venting and keep learning both about yourself and about BPD, and you'll see... .

My heart and my best wishes go out to you!

Scout99

Wow, what a great post! Very, very helpful 

[Validation78]

Hi Expos!

I have to agree with much of everything said here already and just want to chime in because I relate to your need for validation. We can torture ourselves with these questions, and when we put them out there, amongst others who've walked in our shoes, it helps to know, we are not alone, we did not cause our loved one's BPD, and there is nothing we could have done to change it! There are times I need to be assured of this too!

Best Wishes,

Val78