What are the positives?

[Undone123]

Man my emotions have been all over the place this past few days with dating again and things... . I can safely say I'm not 100% detached but in a place a million times better than a couple of months ago. So with the triggering emotions I came back to BPD family (its a safe place, an amazing site)... . So I was just thinking off the positives that have come out of our BPD relationship's and it might be nice to share these? It may help me identify positives I hadn't realised, and may help others... . So my positive:

I am so much more aware of my own emotions. I welcome what I feel, am more mindful, and that is something I never was before my BPD ex. I used to go throw life never really considering what I felt... . I obviously felt emotion, but had difficulty recognising it and dealing with it constructively. For example:

I was always one of those guys that "never got angry". I obviously did get angry, but I'd allow it to build up and up and up until I just lost it and said things I regretted, or I'd get patrionising (but of course at the time I didn't recognise this as anger, and felt this was a more constructive way to deal with how I was feeling - it also was a defence mechanism) But I was wrong. Now I'm more assertive, I recognize when I'm not happy and deal with it. I have also worked on boundaries so that I don't get upset when people cross boundaries because I haven't articulated them. It's a bit of a shock to those close to me, but I am now just saying "no".

Sadness and depression. I'm still getting bouts of this, and again I was always one of those guys that "was a pretty happy guy". Obviously I used to get down before my ex, but never would I recognize it. I'd put up a false self... . an "I'm alright, don't worry about me", front. I am now saying to people "actually I'm a bit down, can we talk". I am generally a lot more open with people close to me, they now know whats gone on, and it feels great knowing that I don't have to bottle it all up. A problem shared is a problem halved.

Happiness and love. I recently saw a few old friends. Something I had not done whilst with my ex, as I isolated myself. It really made me appreciate those friends and I felt elated. I love these friends dearly, they have been with me all my life, through thick and thin, they have seen the good and the bad, and still love me. Thats LOVE. Obviously before my ex I used to get happy, she even made me happy at times, but I never recognized it. The visit to the friends also made me realise what I had with my ex wasn't love - but I am loved by others.

I've still got a journey ahead of me. Today, I felt angry, really angry. I was angry because for my BPD ex moving on is so easy, and I can't even enjoy dating! I felt angry because I was abused and controlled. I am still under her control as I am not detached and she is still on my mind, and that made me angry! AND I felt angry at my self because I allowed it all to happen!

But if it was not for her, I'd still be going through life never really recognizing my feelings. So what are your positives?

[papawapa]

Two things that I can take as positives out of my relationship:

1. I have learned A LOT about myself.

2. I can spot a woman with a PD from a mile away and will never fall into their traps again.

[bpdspell]

1. Gaining myself

2. Learning how to value myself

2. Learning how to respect myself.

4. Learning how to love myself... . like really love me.

5. Being free to choose the direction of my life... . and to have fun with it.

6. Learning how to forgive my parents... . still working on that.

7. Learning how to vent to God without fearing blasphemy.

8. Living in reality and not fantasy and accepting that people aren't perfect.

9. No longer looking for a rescuer... . those days are gratefully over.

10. Living in gratitude for my life; everyday awake is a blessing.

11. Learning and accepting that a mentally ill person will never have the keys to my happiness

12. No longer living in a victim narrative... . working on that too. It's not the bad that happens in your life; it's how you respond and I'm so glad to have had the strength to defeat my ex's abuse.


The further this relationship is in my rear view mirror the more clarity comes into my life's perspective. I've come a long way. I once detested my ex; now I have sincere compassion for his sick soul and his broken brain. The amount of pain he lives in daily breaks my heart and it's truly saddening to know that he will live a life of creating his own suffering.

Spell

[causticdork]

So I have had some good and some bad (and some in-between) relationships in my life, but there two that I learned and grew a lot from. 

The first was several years ago, when I fell in love hard with a girl who refused to commit, strung me along, and bounced back and forth between me and her ex.  She didn't have a PD or anything. She was just terrible as a girlfriend and no good for me.  When she left me I thought I'd never feel better. It took over two years before I felt 100% like myself again.  There were times when I'd go six months thinking I was totally fine, and then out of nowhere I'd wake up one day and feel as bad as I did the day she left.  When I recovered from that relationship and really did heal and feel better I discovered that I was no longer scared of letting people in.  I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but getting my heart broken that badly, and then having it heal up just fine, proved to me that I was strong and resilient enough to come out of anything and still be okay.  No one will ever be able to hurt me as much as she did, and yet here I am, not hurting anymore.  No matter how much something hurts now, I know someday it won't hurt anymore.  The day I realized that I felt like a superhero. 

With my BPDex, I learned that I'm a strong enough person to walk away from someone who doesn't treat me right, no matter how much I love them.  She taught me how important it is to have boundaries, and how I shouldn't bury important relationship issues just because my partner doesn't want to talk about them.  Up until her, I'd never walked away from someone while still madly in love with them.  After the girl that broke my heart so bad before her (whom I tolerated all sorts of terrible behavior from) I was scared that I would fall for someone who was bad for me and then not be able to let go.  I did fall for someone who was bad for me, but I feel like walking away from her was like beating the boss level in some Bad Relationship Decisions video game I've been playing most of my life.