Have we set dd up for failure

[somuchlove]

This has been quite a summer. I am setting up in bed on my phone at 4am unable to sleep, having husband , whom has been able to keep most things in perspective, tossing and near total anxiety.  Our dd in a very crazy turn of events with ex. Has moved back 8 hrs from us where she has always wanted rt o return to.  Ex husband , father of her 2 children says this is where he now wants to be.  We never thought this would happen.  BPD dd has reconnected with sister and that seems to be good.  BPD did found job etc  not the best but rather double near her sister. Ex husband , with no reality to reason with no sense of money no where to live yet is insisting that the kids live in this specific place. It is expensive hard to find work child care but did is afraid if she doesn't do this he will not allow then to stay here.  Dd can't go back at this point because of situation I have written about earlier. 

So we just moved her here. Not great chance of jobs having to drive with not good car, of which we bought because she didn't take care of the one she had but we were stuck.  We lay here thinking should we have called the crazy ex's bluff not allowed or rather helped her move here. My husband sees like it has been a never ending thing.  We have talked of boundaries etc.  The kids are what keeps us in this.  I feel very strong that they need to be with our family not with his even though they have lots of money and care and probably are thinking what do we do with crazy son and how much do we bail him out.  Right now ex has decision making with kids and until we ride this out for ,I think 6 months and the kid become residence here he could take them back.   But have we , are we again allowing did to fail. Should we have said we can do this but we can't help you move here. Risking crazy ex decisions.   My husband just struggles with mindfulness and all this.  He knows all about this stuff because of his job but when it comes to our kids it just all goes out the window.  My stable husband that works with parent daily just can't with this dd. 

I know we have to set boundaries. I am scared we will have to chose grandchildren needs over dd.  Of which she is in so many ways a good parent. Maybe?  Sometimes this past 4 months I see some maturity admittance to some issues. But want to keep that going But have we?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

somuchlove such a hard place to be.   you sound fearful for the consequences of your decision. Of course.

My first response is for you to take care of yourselves. When all around us goes belly up, that's our bottom line. Re gird your loins and return to that which nourishes you. It seems to me that you and your dh need to support each other in this and draw on each other to get through.

What is done is done. Yes we can reflect on our decisions and learn from mistakes we make as well as our successes. Ultimately though there is nothing to be gained by thinking have I done wrong? Rather, everything is to be gained from assessing where you are at and where you want to be and then working on strategies to get you there.

I think a good revisit of boundaries will be helpful. For this I recommend the book: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend. I am told it is excellent and helps put everything into perspective.

Your situation is complex from memory, did I get this right? Your dd has returned to be with the father of her children, which is 8 hours from where you live. She is getting on better with her sister. The father of the kids has custody for another 6 mths. Because the father insists on living this distance from you all, it is likely that will influence the decision on where the kids live in the future. sorry if this isn't right, can you help me clarify it?

Cheers,

Vivek      

[somuchlove]

She moved out of state to get away from bad situation.  I believe her but know she contributed but drugs are tough to deal with with anyone.   Her ex has been totally unable to listen to being practical. He insists on living in an area that has really no possibilities. She hated to call his bluff in fear he would end up not alllowing the kids to move there.  Her hope is to have them there 6 months to have residancy.   Lots could happen.  My husband just sees it as endkess . We can see lawer fees, paying her rent etc. She cant get a job we dont think to mske enough for day care for little one not ex's child and tking care of needs of other ones.  It is a night mare. We are now home but I still feel pa.nic. she is closerthan before , closer to where she can be with family.     

When she is rational she makes good sense, good perspective but woe she j6st can go off.   I guess setting boundaries are where we are at.  So much guilt for me. We are caught with helping the kids.  Husband said there msy come a time when we have to really put gkids before her. Some how.  I am trying to take care of me but really tough.  Have we bailed her out to much. 

[vivekananda]

To answer your question have we bailed her out too much... . I think we parents do what we think is right and it may not be so... . We need to learn other, better ways of supporting our loved ones. Whether you bailed her out too much is a question you will need to answer. I only know that until we learn about BPD, ourselves and our tools (boundaries and validation) then we will do unhelpful things. As parents we want to make it all better, as parents we should be instead teaching our children to be independent, responsible decision makers. You can see why we bail them out so much... . it's easier isn't it? How hard is it to know what to do when the situation is as complex as yours is? D*mmed hard.

Whether we can see it or not, whether we can understand it or not, unless we are a part of the solution, we are part of the problem.

I am sorry to put it harshly, but I believe that's how it is. We have a hard road to travel to learn how to respond and where our priorities are. Perhaps your dh is right about the time coming when you have to decide how you can best support you gkids.

I do know that if you are feeling fearful, guilty or a sense of obligation, then you will be in the FOG and will not be able to see as clearly as possible.

What it means to be in the FOG

Please take care of yourself and your dh somuchbest wishes,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

somuchlove - things seem to get better, then the situation morphs into something else    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hard choices for all of you.

I am trying to unweave the complex set of relationships your DD has right now. Help me clarify this.

Your DD has 2 sons with her ex. The ex has primary custody, yet is allowing your D to have 100% physical custody of their sons at this time. Your DD hopes to maintain this status for 6 months so has better chance of keeping boys with her if ex wants them to move back with him.  When he has had them in the past, have the paternal grandparents been caregivers for the boys?

Has the ex recently moved closer to you - your D is now living with you or near you?  With all 3 three of her kids - her toddler girl from the bf she has fled from by returning to your area? Has exbf made any attempts to get custody of his little girl?

What is your day to day r/s with your grandkids? Is your D working? Does your D have access to any counseling, or willingness to do counseling to help her with these complex decisions?

What limits are you able and willing to place on your support for your D?

-financial

-time with gkids

-emotional support for DD

-emotional supprot for gkids

What do you think would lead to having to choose between your D and your gkids?

You are in a hard place with very unclear boundaries right now. Please continue to ask us your questions, vent your frustrations, and simply share your family story. We are here for you.

qcr