Things will get very ugly today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need to put off the attorney thing for a bit longer... . again.  My car's transmission is slowly giving out.  First gear is almost gone. 

I did get a free consult with an attorney a few weeks ago.  It turns out that he was a PA in my county when ex was charged 10 years ago.  He can't take my case because conflict of interest.  But... . he looked at my order and told me that since I am listed as residential parent for mailing purposes (school, medical, etc.) I can place d11 in whatever school I want.  It doesn't matter that we have joint legal in this case.   

I've considered taking her out of the christian school she's been in for several different reasons.  Ex is adamant about her leaving and has tried intimidating me through email and even had the pastor send me a letter last week.  This is part of the email he sent regarding the school situation... .

It's funny that you were baptized but you don't want the same privilage for your kids. Kinda reminds me of the woman who is pro-choice... . yet she was born. I guess, unfortunately, the Judge will have to decide. If this is what you want, then I will have to cancel our trip. All her friends are at christian school. I'm not changing her school every time you don't like something about the school. It would be like you with an attorney, pretty soon you will have no place left to go. I can't see you driving to (next town) twice every day to send her to school there. Let's be serious here. That ain't happening. Her grades did not suffer last year. She made the Honor Roll. her 4th grade teacher is not the issue anymore. You had the opportunity to let him know how you feel. You didn't take it. FYI... . all teachers in all schools get more strict as the kids get older. Honestly, If you think everything should be roses and butterflies, you'd better start learning how to teach at home. Let me know if we're going to court or not so I can cancel her vacation or not. 

To clarify a few things he mentioned... . d11 is extremely literal (very black/white) and believes what you say at face value.  Teacher told the class throughout the year last year that if you're not baptized you'll go to hell.  So she was terrified that she was going to hell .  Yes, he was going to cancel their vacation if I pursued the school change, so I kept quiet for the time.  As far as "letting him know how you feel", he's referring to me telling the teacher off the last day of school after getting d11's report card (his mother tried to get me to do this). 

So, now that dd has had her vacation, I'm going to request a sit down at a local restaurant and offer a compromise.  D11 can stay in the same school if he gives me final decision making power.  D11 needs therapy and just regular medical care from time to time.  He always tells dd that there is nothing wrong with her, etc... . and she believes him or he visits the doctor/therapist and shows his attitude.  Either way, he makes it almost impossible for me seek treatment for her. 

This won't end well (dd won't be anywhere around) and I'll end up leaving without an agreement.  Will post more later.

[Untouched]

I need to put off the attorney thing for a bit longer... . again.  My car's transmission is slowly giving out.  First gear is almost gone. 

I did get a free consult with an attorney a few weeks ago.  It turns out that he was a PA in my county when ex was charged 10 years ago.  He can't take my case because conflict of interest.  But... . he looked at my order and told me that since I am listed as residential parent for mailing purposes (school, medical, etc.) I can place d11 in whatever school I want.  It doesn't matter that we have joint legal in this case.   

I've considered taking her out of the christian school she's been in for several different reasons.  Ex is adamant about her leaving and has tried intimidating me through email and even had the pastor send me a letter last week.  This is part of the email he sent regarding the school situation... .

It's funny that you were baptized but you don't want the same privilage for your kids. Kinda reminds me of the woman who is pro-choice... . yet she was born. I guess, unfortunately, the Judge will have to decide. If this is what you want, then I will have to cancel our trip. All her friends are at christian school. I'm not changing her school every time you don't like something about the school. It would be like you with an attorney, pretty soon you will have no place left to go. I can't see you driving to (next town) twice every day to send her to school there. Let's be serious here. That ain't happening. Her grades did not suffer last year. She made the Honor Roll. her 4th grade teacher is not the issue anymore. You had the opportunity to let him know how you feel. You didn't take it. FYI... . all teachers in all schools get more strict as the kids get older. Honestly, If you think everything should be roses and butterflies, you'd better start learning how to teach at home. Let me know if we're going to court or not so I can cancel her vacation or not. 

To clarify a few things he mentioned... . d11 is extremely literal (very black/white) and believes what you say at face value.  Teacher told the class throughout the year last year that if you're not baptized you'll go to hell.  So she was terrified that she was going to hell .  Yes, he was going to cancel their vacation if I pursued the school change, so I kept quiet for the time.  As far as "letting him know how you feel", he's referring to me telling the teacher off the last day of school after getting d11's report card (his mother tried to get me to do this). 

So, now that dd has had her vacation, I'm going to request a sit down at a local restaurant and offer a compromise.  D11 can stay in the same school if he gives me final decision making power.  D11 needs therapy and just regular medical care from time to time.  He always tells dd that there is nothing wrong with her, etc... . and she believes him or he visits the doctor/therapist and shows his attitude.  Either way, he makes it almost impossible for me seek treatment for her. 

This won't end well (dd won't be anywhere around) and I'll end up leaving without an agreement.  Will post more later.

[momtara]

Wow, he writes just like my hubby.  I can tell he is fairly high functioning.   I don't see too many spelling or grammar errors.  It's probably harder to deal with someone like that, in a way, because people don't see it.  He seems as manipulative and black/white as my hubby too.  

Sometimes I can talk hubby into doing what's best, but not always.  He's been difficult about seeking medical treatment and stuff.

Good luck!  Remember, he is smart but he has a disease.  So ultimately, you have an advantage even if it's difficult sometimes.  You know how to deal with him and what works and what doesn't.  Take a breath, don't get riled, and work your charms at your sit-down.

[livednlearned]

My ex wrote emails like that too. It's so creepy to see the manipulations/abuse and distorted thinking in someone else's email. You're definitely not alone here   

This is a pretty good resource about dealing with hostile emails after the divorce if you haven't read it already: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0

Excellent to hear that you are residential parent -- that will help you with the short-term issue about school choice. If you think she needs to be in a different school, it will be unpleasant reaching that goal, but do it if you believe it's the right thing for D11. Even if there are punishments like no vacation. Very likely, your ex will continue to punish you by punishing D11 (ie taking away vacation), because he knows it's an effective strategy. Early on, I put a lot of effort into my negotiating strategy with N/BPDx and not only was it a huge waste of time, it chipped away at the strength I needed to assert serious boundaries. I kept asking for permission, too, which looking back was unnecessary.

I would not meet with him to see if you can come up with a compromise. Asking a pwBPD to give up decision-making powers is like asking them to stop breathing. He'll only insult you. By now, engage with him only by text so you have documentation of every conversation that takes place.

[Untouched]

It's a good feeling to know that I'm not alone, but I'm sorry that any of us have to go through this at all.  Thanks for the support!

He met me at a fast food restaurant in town.  I found a table near some older men playing cards, although not too close for them to hear idle conversation.  I did turn the voice memo feature of my phone on and placed it upside down on top of my purse.  I figured he would try to pull something and then say he didn't say anything of the kind. 

At first, my ex wouldn't look at me.  I guess that's his way of punishing me?  He listened while I spoke and I said that I did not appreciate him bad mouthing me to d11.  Of course, he denied having done that... . but when I told him that she knows things that she wouldn't know unless he told her, he shut up.  Near the end of the meeting, he admitted to calling me a few names "where d11 could maybe hear".  I told him that he is ok to rant to his friends/family about me, but not to let d11 hear it again.  He agreed, but I don't hold much hope that it will last.

Then I focused on the school issue.  Surprisingly, he didn't put up a fight.  I soon found out why though.  He thinks he is still irresistible and I can't keep my hands off him.  Once again, he tried to convince me that he loves me and always has... . same story, different day.  He even asked if we could reconcile after my s18 leaves for college next week.  When the realization sets in that I want nothing to do with him... . the horns will come out and he will start the smear campaign again.   

I didn't get final decision making authority, so off to court we go... . eventually.  For now, I'm going to enjoy the peace and quiet.

[livednlearned]

Oh, didn't realize he is the recycler type of pwBPD. Mine was a one-way splitter. Once I was split black, there was no recycling. I don't know who has it hardest. Having N/BPDx try to lure me back is something I can't even imagine, but I was also afraid of him physically so maybe it was obvious that there would never be any reconciling.

[momtara]

Ya see, untouched, even the smart ones still have an illness and if you've figured out what works and doesn't work, sometimes you get what you want.  Sounds like you know how to read him a bit.

Good job!

Maybe he wouldn't look at you because he's ashamed or embarrassed or something.