He's hurting?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been over a month and I know I should be nc but I'm not.  And I'm usually the one to initiate it.  What I don't understand is why it's all about how much he's hurting.  He ended it.  (I "walked out" one evening while he was being extremely verbally abusive and he ostensibly ended it because he knew I'd "walk out" on him again and he needed to "protect his heart" and no longer wanted to be an "abusive boyfriend".  Based on his behavior the few weeks leading up to it I believe he orchestrated the break up.)  I've been a complete mess.  He's well aware I didn't want this and that I love him and miss him terribly.  He has made no attempt to get back together.  But when I have seen/talked to him it's all about what a hard time he's having.  No I love you/I miss you type of conversation.  Just how rough it is on him.  He's lonely.  He doesn't have anybody.  Yet he rarely initiates contact.  I did got out on a date a couple of weeks after and he went absolutely nuts about that.  Mentioned many times how much that "hurt" him.  I just don't freaking get it.  He broke my heart.  He apparently doesn't want to get back together.  Yet he wants me to sympathize with him?  What is up here? 

[Emelie Emelie]

It's been over a month and I know I should be nc but I'm not.  And I'm usually the one to initiate it.  What I don't understand is why it's all about how much he's hurting.  He ended it.  (I "walked out" one evening while he was being extremely verbally abusive and he ostensibly ended it because he knew I'd "walk out" on him again and he needed to "protect his heart" and no longer wanted to be an "abusive boyfriend".  Based on his behavior the few weeks leading up to it I believe he orchestrated the break up.)  I've been a complete mess.  He's well aware I didn't want this and that I love him and miss him terribly.  He has made no attempt to get back together.  But when I have seen/talked to him it's all about what a hard time he's having.  No I love you/I miss you type of conversation.  Just how rough it is on him.  He's lonely.  He doesn't have anybody.  Yet he rarely initiates contact.  I did got out on a date a couple of weeks after and he went absolutely nuts about that.  Mentioned many times how much that "hurt" him.  I just don't freaking get it.  He broke my heart.  He apparently doesn't want to get back together.  Yet he wants me to sympathize with him?  What is up here? 

[seeking balance]

Why do you not believe he is hurting - he likely is... . it is just different reasons than yours.

NC is not the be all end all answer - but accepting you are his trigger now may be able to help create boundaries around the time and topics you do choose.

Article 9 is critical to understand and accept in order to start to detach.  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Specific to this post:

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

How do YOU feel when he tells you he is hurting?

[Emelie Emelie]

How do I feel when he says he's hurting?

I feel guilty.  Like I'm failing him during this break up.  Which makes no sense whatsoever.  I feel tremendously sad.  I worry about him.  It also makes me angry with him.  Because he doesn't express any concern about how I'm feeling.  It's ALL about him.  I read the article.  But he doesn't want me to "stay".  He knows he has BPD.  Therefore I was supposed to understand and accept his behaviors.  Has not sought treatment. 

[seeking balance]

How do I feel when he says he's hurting?

I feel guilty.  Like I'm failing him during this break up.  Which makes no sense whatsoever.  I feel tremendously sad.  I worry about him.  It also makes me angry with him.  Because he doesn't express any concern about how I'm feeling.  It's ALL about him.  I read the article.  But he doesn't want me to "stay".  He knows he has BPD.  Therefore I was supposed to understand and accept his behaviors.  Has not sought treatment. 

All these feelings are reasonable based on the situation - the chance for changing them will require you to change the dynamic.

He is mentally ill - do you think expecting him to change the dynamic is reasonable?

What boundary can you set next time that may help you?

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you.  He is mentally ill.  I have the hardest time accepting that.  I need to remember that.  I keep trying to make sense of an insensible situation.  As if that would make it hurt less.  I know I need to detach.  I know I need to let him go and take care of myself.  Somehow stop obsessing.  I know all of this in my head.  My heart is another matter entirely. 

[Blade99d]

In our last blowup, my ex said i had no idea how much i hurt her.  When i replied, that i was hurting as well, she snapped and instantly went into rage mode.  How dare i say that i was hurting as well, because as we all know, the only thing that matters to them, is their own world... . trying to rationalize the irrational is an impossible feat. 

[seeking balance]

Thank you.  He is mentally ill.  I have the hardest time accepting that.  I need to remember that.  I keep trying to make sense of an insensible situation.  As if that would make it hurt less.  I know I need to detach.  I know I need to let him go and take care of myself.  Somehow stop obsessing.  I know all of this in my head.  My heart is another matter entirely. 

It is hard to keep the mental illness in mind in the moment. This is why it is helpful to have a plan before getting in the situation... . it can help both of you.

Start small - what can you do differently next time?

[Octoberfest]

You had better believe he is hurting.  pwBPD are ALWAYS hurting- the difference is that it is not necessarily us who make them hurt.

Many/most pwBPD have troubled backgrounds.  That can mean anything from sexual abuse, physical abuse, broken homes, addiction, and any other traumatic incident you can think of.  To try and get away from it (which does NOT mean to try and heal from it, simply to escape it) they seem to constantly be involved in relationships.  They can mirror others and try and get away from the shame and hurt that they constantly feel.  Inherently though, every partner they are with will be able to trigger them and drag up those memories and feeling somehow, and then all of a sudden it is THAT persons fault.  On to the next one.

Imagine that there is a great fire raging within a pwBPD, destroying everything in its path and causing tremendous pain.  They are basically trying to throw more fire onto the fire and hope that somehow it will go out.  It is a never ending destructive cycle.

He hurts, but it is because of his own personal shame and the hurt that he has held inside him long before you.

[Perfidy]

Geeze if my ex called me hurting all I would have to do is remember that massive dump she took on me! I decided to end all contact. My situation my be different in the way it ended. The fact remains... . It ended. Mental illness or not... . I was hurt to the core. The resulting suffering sadness and depression are unbearable at times. No contact may not fix everything but it is better than going back to ground zero. It hurts to have contact with our exes. Let the relationship die. Isn't that why we are on this board?

[Moonie75]

It hurts to have contact with our exes. Let the relationship die. Isn't that why we are on this board?

Quite. We're here to kill something & grow something else. Or at least, hoping to.

[Emelie Emelie]

Yes... . I think we're all here trying to recover from a BPD relationship.  But sometimes breaking up is a messy process.  It certainly is for me.  I'm getting better.  With the help of a Therapist and some anxiety medication.  But gotta tell you.  I have a seriously tearful meltdown at least once a day.  And it's not because I want to hang on to the sadness.  And it's not because I don't see the situation for what it is.  Maybe it is because I want to hang on to the relationship in some twisted way.  I vow to go no contact after each contact.  And then I break down.  Longest I've made it is six days.  I know these people are sick.  And I know he's treated me terribly at times.  And he broke my heart in a million little pieces.  But I wasn't in there for a year because it was all bad.  And I do still care for him very much.  Unfortunately still love him very much but working on transmuting that.   

[gallerykey]

I know how you feel, that pretty much the same for me. Of course i still love him, thats why i was with him despite knowing what he was doing to me was wrong. I believed him when he said he loved me and we were together, thats why i believed in the engagement ring on my finger. Until i saw the facebook pics of him with another woman kissing, while i was sat at home waiting for him to call or message me. Does she have any idea what hes done? I doubt it. If she knew would she believe, i doubt it. Any woman who thinks they can have an honest relationship with a guy who cheated on his fiance is doomed anyway but add into it the BPD and they have the same chance i did, NONE. Thats what i have to hold onto.