Are any of you truly happy with your relationships at present?

[Saffron2]

Hi all, I'm new here after being told by my therapist that my husband more than likely has some Cluster B issues going on (probably NPD). So anyway, I'm here still in shock, trying to figure out what to do. He's different from some of what I've been reading on these boards - no raging, and there are very rarely arguments unless I start them by questioning him about his unacceptable behavior. The main problems I have with him are cheating, lying, lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement. He sees very little wrong with what he's doing and thinks therapists are quacks, so help of any kind is out of the question.

Here is what I was wondering:  Are any of you truly happy with your relationships at present?  :)o you actually get your needs met by your partner now, or have you just become better at living without getting your needs met? I guess I'm trying to figure out if there's any hope for real happiness in a situation like this... . something beyond simply surviving and working hard to keep the peace. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

The emotional side of me wishes that something would give, but there's a logical side of me wanting to get my affairs in order and run like h*ll, so I'm really confused at the moment. :/

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Saffron2

I'm one of the members who have actually posted in the Success-stories thread.

I would say that I'm happy with my relationship at the moment. There are ups and downs for sure, some harder than others, but all in all I'm happy.

I don't get all my needs met, no. But I'm at peace with who he is and what he can and cannot give. The road there took a while, though, and it's personal and different for each one of us, and finding out what's right for you is important.

Have you seen Differences|Comorbidity: BPD and NPD?

[Saffron2]

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of that thread, Scarlet Phoenix - didn't see it before.  It's great that there are so many success stories here, but I did notice one common theme: therapy. Although I will continue to go, he's not going to, so I'm doubtful that my story would ever be posted on that thread.

 I wasn't sure if the tools here worked so well that the relationship became closer to what it should be, thus making us happier, or if members posting on this board were simply here learning how to keep the peace because for whatever reason leaving wasn't an option.  

Realistically speaking, leaving isn't an option for me at the moment either - we have 3 kids, our assets are sizable and are very much intertwined, I have no money of my own, plus he would make my life h*ll if I left him - I'm even more convinced of that after spending days reading about what it's like to divorce a narcissist.

Sometimes I think that life would be better if I just sat here and enjoyed life with my kids, but learned to disconnect and not care about what he's doing... . I wonder if that's even possible.

[MaybeSo]

It is possible to become more emotionally detached and to learn to depersonalize; in that sense, you would shift to see certain behaviors as symptomatic if an illness and not personalize it as being about you... . even if that is suggested by your partner. PwBPd and NPD etc, externalize all the time, if they feel bad it's your fault and they will push that reasoning; they throw down that rope all the time. By detaching, it means you no longer pick up the end of that rope. You just let it lie there, you don't attach yourself to it anymore.  As for getting needs met,  I always made sure I had contact with good friends and family because no one person meets all of our needs anyway.

[Saffron2]

Maybeso, I've come to the conclusion that this is the best thing I can do right now. "Leave" him without physically doing so - the time will come for that part later.

As of now, I have given myself as much physical space as I can, plus have cut down on conversations - we only talk when necessary. I do have my ups and dows -Im still feeling shocked, numb, and hurt that my entire marriage has been a joke, but im hoping that this will fade with time. Is there something else to detachment? Am I doing this right?

[nodoover]

I have learned to make myself happy with things outside the relationship and enjoy the good days when he is totally loving.  On those days I sort of drink heavy from the well of love, sort of holds me over for the bad days.

When I say outside the relationship I mean things like my bookclub and friends, Nia class, its a dance exercise class that is very zen, I hike alone on safe trails (live in mountains) go on a lot of walks.

My financial wagon is hitched also, I can't afford to leave and too be honest after finally semi retiring a few years ago I don't want to work full time again.

[123Phoebe]

Yes, I can say that I am truly happy with our relationship at present

We have fun together, we enjoy similar interests, we listen to music, we're there for each other, we talk about all kinds of things, he's generous, kind, spoils my dog, takes an interest in my life aside from his, he suggests doing interesting things, helps with house projects etc etc etc... .

He also has a PD.

He doesn't enjoy spending time with 'my' friends, doesn't include me in many family doings (some but not many), when he gets too close (intimate - sex) he backs off for a few, certain holidays trigger him etc... .

He doesn't rage (has never been a rager, but a silent seether), he's lightened up with the sarcasm, doesn't twist things I say anymore or obviously check out other girls, he makes future plans... .

He's still controlling in ways-- doesn't like me to pay or drive; I can live with that

I can also live with the other stuff, too.  In fact, when I think about it, I guess I've helped cultivate it because I don't put up a stink or even mildly suggest the need for changes to be made.  I don't love spending time with his family and I do love having my own life and friends outside of the relationship.  So hey, it works!

There has and continues to be some weirdness (once in a while) when I suggest doing things, like he feels controlled and will just have this look on his face.  I usually let it go, knowing through experience, that once he's had his own private time to process what I've suggested, he'll come back later and act as if it was his idea, suggesting this really awesome thing we could do

So yea, I'm happy. 

Things aren't perfect, I don't expect them to be either anymore   And THAT, has changed the dynamic so so so so much

[waverider]

You can be but you will need to totally realign the way you life your life. You can be selective and enjoy the white, which is what drew you in to start with. deflect, depersonalize and defuse the black. By not joining in you can can also reduce the extremes.

Everyone is an individual though and it depends on the personalities involved. YOU can make these changes though regardless of anything they do. It may be enough, it may not be. You can untangle the mess and and organize yourself, it is your first step.

Unless full treatment is achieved, it will still be dysfunctional, but dysfunctional does not necessarily mean untenable.

[Kevinmac]

This can be a very depressing place to visit. So many of the posters feel trapped, did not know what they were getting into, etc. 

You can find my "love letter" to my BPDgf elsewhere.  But I can tell you that while far from perfect, with episodes of pain, yes, I am happy.  I knew what I was getting into when I started with her.  But somehow I relate to the deep pain that caused her condition, I've met the f'd up family that made it worse, and I forgive her when she goes south.  But I have had previous relationships that were even and healthy, and they seem black and white to the vivid color of my GF.  Plus the tools here really work, and they have made things consistently improve. The tools, combined with showing her clear consistent love and clear consistent unshakable boundaries, seem to be producing improvement in her each week. Maybe I am a Pollyanna, and the fall is coming. But so far, I am very happy.

[Auspicious]

NPD isn't BPD.

Don't get me wrong - living with someone who suffers from BPD can be very, very tough. But they are two very different things.

[123Phoebe]

Saffron, I want to challenge your thoughts... .  Leaving may not feel like an option, but I have to believe it is.  We have options.  They may not be desirable, but they are there.

I stayed married to a man with strong NPD traits, for way longer than I should have out of fear.  Not fear of him necessarily, fear of my entire life changing and all that that would entail... . a whole lot of work and a fight to the finish   Getting divorced was no picnic, but it sure beat living with someone I couldn't stand.  I became someone that I couldn't even stand.  I had to get out.

Have you had a look at the Legal board?  I'm not promoting you get divorced, just to understand your options.   Knowledge is power and when we have some of that in our back pockets, it makes it easier to navigate the rough waters... .

Many people on this board are working the tools and finding that they really help the relationship.  It's not simply a matter of keeping the peace, it's changing the entire dynamic.  We add to the dysfunction.  It sucks to hear it, it's so much easier to point fingers at our partners, what we do though contributes-- the good the bad and extremely ugly.

The tools are really more about us than them, the way I see it.  They help keep us grounded and calm.  When we can move through a lot of that peripheral noise going on in the relationship, down a straighter path, it helps clear our heads, making any decisions just that much easier.

I'm very sorry that your marriage is on shaky ground right now.  How are your children doing?  Are they affected by the conflict?

The tools here work, no matter what decision you ultimately make.

Take it easy... .  

[Saffron2]

Phoebe, not to minimize your challenges in any way, but your r/s sounds pretty good. Everyone has their stuff to deal with, and it sounds like you've done a really great job of accepting the rest. Overall, you describe a situation that I could probably live with.

He's still controlling in ways-- doesn't like me to pay or drive; I can live with that 

And would have no problem at all living with these controlling ways! 

I have looked at the legal board, plus have been reading about high conflict divorces - this is making me even more scared actually.  You are right again when you challenged me on this - I may be battling some learned helplessness or something along these lines.

I also have been adding to the dysfunction.  After weeks of maintaining my composure, I flew into a rage the other day.  He told me something that was absolutely insane, then looked at me blankly as I asked for clarification because it was so crazy that I thought I misunderstood.  That's all it took for me to go off on him - I screamed at him and called him a f****** idiot. (he spent a large sum of OUR money on his mistress) I did it, I'll own it, and no, it didn't help. I can do better.

Our kids are okay - we don't argue around them (helps that he isn't home much :D), and I try my best to keep their lives full with activities that they love. Other than that I spend time with them, always trying my best to make sure they have healthy self-esteem and a solid sense of self - anything to make sure they don't end up like me.

I have learned to make myself happy with things outside the relationship and enjoy the good days when he is totally loving.  On those days I sort of drink heavy from the well of love, sort of holds me over for the bad days.

When I say outside the relationship I mean things like my bookclub and friends, Nia class, its a dance exercise class that is very zen, I hike alone on safe trails (live in mountains) go on a lot of walk

This is something that I would really love to do - learn to be happy again. Learn to enjoy anything again would be a good start... . Although I do understand the importance of this, and definitely have the desire, the fact of the matter is that I'm not really good at taking care of myself.  I was taught from a young age that I didn't matter; that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter; if I had needs or desires, never to express them.  Basically I was trained to be a narcissist's wife.

[123Phoebe]

Phoebe, not to minimize your challenges in any way, but your r/s sounds pretty good.

It's because of the tools!  It wasn't always like this, believe me.  That and the desire to change my own wacky ways.

I have learned to make myself happy with things outside the relationship and enjoy the good days when he is totally loving.  On those days I sort of drink heavy from the well of love, sort of holds me over for the bad days.

When I say outside the relationship I mean things like my bookclub and friends, Nia class, its a dance exercise class that is very zen, I hike alone on safe trails (live in mountains) go on a lot of walk

This is something that I would really love to do - learn to be happy again. Learn to enjoy anything again would be a good start... . Although I do understand the importance of this, and definitely have the desire, the fact of the matter is that I'm not really good at taking care of myself.  I was taught from a young age that I didn't matter; that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter; if I had needs or desires, never to express them.  Basically I was trained to be a narcissist's wife.

Amen, sister!  Same here

Saffron, stick around this site.  It has been a godsend.  There are people here that will blow your mind with their insight

Your life has already changed for the better  

[Saffron2]

NPD isn't BPD.

Don't get me wrong - living with someone who suffers from BPD can be very, very tough. But they are two very different things.

I have to agree with you here.

I had a dBPD friend a few years back, and when I tell you that she drove me absolutely insane, I am not kidding! She was a really nice person with some great qualities, but OMG her mood swings and her neediness just drove me up a wall. This woman would literally turn into a waif and expect me to drop everything I was doing and run right to her any time of the day or night! She ran just about everyone away with her drama, so I felt badly for her and tried to hang in there, but eventually I couldn't take it anymore and had to back away. I have so much respect for her BF, who seemed to be a really nice guy... . If she drove me nuts from a distance, I couldn't begin to imagine how he dealt with this every single day of his life in the same house.

But, and here's the but - she has a conscience. She also seems to have the ability to empathize with others. Her emotions are all over the place, and she drives people crazy, but underneath it all, she seems like a good person who would genuinely be sorry if she understood that she hurt someone... . My husband shows little to no emotion, has an impaired conscience, and definitely can't empathize - he hurts me deeply over and over again, and seems to lack the capacity to even care about it. Or maybe he does care, but not enough to stop him from doing whatever he wants? There's nothing more painful than crying your eyes out, pleading with your partner to take the knife out of your back only to have them stare blankly at you and twist the knife.

I guess these are really spectrum disorders though - they probably can greatly vary in severity and in flavor.

Saffron, stick around this site.  It has been a godsend.  There are people here that will blow your mind with their insight

Your life has already changed for the better

I'm not going anywhere - you all are stuck with me!   Seriously, there is a lot of great information here, but nothing seems to be helping more than talking to people who get it. (What I've been stuck with are well-meaning friends who say, "Yeah, I know what you mean... . ", only to go on to describe some normal, but annoying husband behavior.)  It's such a relief to explain things to people who really do understand. 

[sadinnc98]

I am happy 20% of the time... the rest of the time, no-and this exact moment, NO. I have been ignored now for 2 days and I have no idea why... I don't know why I won't leave, can't leave, etc... as I am getting nothing out of this. I have been recycled 30 times in the past 9 months and feel as if I am almost numb to it all... .

[waverider]

I am happy 20% of the time... the rest of the time, no-and this exact moment, NO. I have been ignored now for 2 days and I have no idea why... I don't know why I won't leave, can't leave, etc... as I am getting nothing out of this. I have been recycled 30 times in the past 9 months and feel as if I am almost numb to it all... .

You have been convinced that you don't have a choice.

Many stay and work on it, but to do that they have made a choice to stay. You have not chosen to stay, you are staying by default for not making a choice,

As 123phoebe points out life is brighter when we know that we are doing whatever we do by choice, even if that choices is to do nothing. Living life by default is soul sapping.

[Alfalffasgirl]

I feel the need to post that I have a happy BPD relationship. The BPD part is important to say because we will probably NEVER have a happy relationship in comparison to someone without BPD. But I think it is important to give people who are taking on the role of a partner of a person with BPD a positive incentive that when they fully understand what BPD is and the taxing position it is, that there can be and are good times especially if the person who had BPD is willing to seek out help and learn to cope with the disorder in a rational way. This alone is a great feat because someone in the middle of a rage is unlikely to be rational. The more you learn the better it is. Educating myself about BPD and seeking out support has made all the difference. Is our relationship perfect? No, but I am not aiming for perfect I am aiming for positive progression. He still rages, but with every rage I learn a little more about what will set him off in the future and this helps me prepare for the next episode. And identifying these things that set him off also helps him learn to cope. The more preparation BEFORE a rage episode of what coping technique he will use means he is less likely to have a full blown episode.

[waverider]

I feel the need to post that I have a happy BPD relationship. The BPD part is important to say because we will probably NEVER have a happy relationship in comparison to someone without BPD. But I think it is important to give people who are taking on the role of a partner of a person with BPD a positive incentive that when they fully understand what BPD is and the taxing position it is, that there can be and are good times especially if the person who had BPD is willing to seek out help and learn to cope with the disorder in a rational way. This alone is a great feat because someone in the middle of a rage is unlikely to be rational. The more you learn the better it is. Educating myself about BPD and seeking out support has made all the difference. Is our relationship perfect? No, but I am not aiming for perfect I am aiming for positive progression. He still rages, but with every rage I learn a little more about what will set him off in the future and this helps me prepare for the next episode. And identifying these things that set him off also helps him learn to cope. The more preparation BEFORE a rage episode of what coping technique he will use means he is less likely to have a full blown episode.

You are experiencing a sense of purpose and direction, which can be rewarding even if it is frustrating at times(but any life is a times). Focusing on having the "perfect" relationship sometimes blinds us to the fact that life is rarely perfect, it is the journey that matters.

Without full knowledge of BPD we end up lost and confused and with a sense of hopelessness about how to tackle it. This site is in effect a journey planner so that we can regain a sense of direction in OUR lives so that we may move on living a life by choice, rather than default out of ignorance.

[SweetCharlotte]

The pattern of my relationship with my uBPDh (4 years together; long-distance) has been six to twelve months of happiness punctuated by a crisis that can lead to an estrangement that lasts one to three months. The crisis/estrangement period is so bad that I sometimes invest in a divorce kit or a lawyer.

Right now we are in the aftermath of a crisis, so I'm not happy with things. If you had asked me two months ago, I would have said I was very happy, the tools I had learned were working, etc. But two months ago I wasn't active on the Boards because things were going well. I was avoiding trigger issues and handling him with kid gloves. Then summer vacation time came and we were exposed to each other for longer, unstructured periods. I got stressed out from driving cross-country (I do all the driving because of his real or imagined physical disability), doing all the packing and child care. While we were unpacking, he tested me and I snapped at him. I held a boundary and refused to back down. Kaboom!

I'm financially independent and we have no children together (though my youngest calls him Dad because I had her using an anonymous donor between marriages). I only stay because I love him and he has never cheated on me (as far as I know) and has not been physically abusive.

[Saffron2]

Many stay and work on it, but to do that they have made a choice to stay. You have not chosen to stay, you are staying by default for not making a choice,

As 123phoebe points out life is brighter when we know that we are doing whatever we do by choice, even if that choices is to do nothing. Living life by default is soul sapping.

For whatever reason, this struck me - I actually had to sit with this for a few days.  I'm guilty of not making a decision, and by default have been sort of stuck here.  This experience has drained the life out of me... . I've changed as a person, and don't even know who I am anymore.  What do I like or not like?  What do I stand for?  It's insane that as an almost 40 year old woman, I can't answer these questions at the moment.

My eyes are open for once, and I feel like I'm seeing everything clearly.  The questions that I had when I first came here, I found answers to... . To him, I am not a person, but more of a trophy; what makes him look good, and also a great source of secondary supply. The fact that his affair partner is beneath him (looks, intelligence, career ect.) is no coincidence; as a narcissist, he needed it to be this way because that was the only way to ensure that he remained on his pedestal - she is the perfect source of primary supply.

Here is what I've decided on for now:  I am going to work on learning the tools that you all use here because for now I need to keep the peace.  I will heal, not only from the trauma of accepting the fact that I'm married to someone not capable of being a good partner, but from his long-standing and humiliating affair. I also have to work on becoming less of a magnet for narcissists - somehow all of these years of training that I've received courtesy of my disordered mother, I have to learn how to undo. I'm working hard on detachment, but am not really clear on what to do.

Can anyone explain what detachment looks like?  Is it that you see the crazy behavior, yet you've trained yourself not to be affected by it?  I wish I could flip a switch and not care what this man does ever again.

[waverider]

Can anyone explain what detachment looks like?  Is it that you see the crazy behavior, yet you've trained yourself not to be affected by it?  

Pretty much,. Detachment doesn't happen overnight it kind of evolves. keep using the tools and it becomes a little more natural as you find yourself seeing more positive results as you learn to disengage and not be as reactive.

Start off by biting your tongue and not doing or saying the first thing that comes to mind. Most things can be put on the back burner for later. You will find you have formed a clearer view of the important things and can provide a more balanced response. A lot of stuff will be seen as trivial and you will let them wash.

You learn economy of reaction.

[badknees]

NO. I no longer look for happy with my wife even though I love her with all my heart. I look for good days or bad days, but happy died and was buried a few years ago. I do find happy with my kids and surfing with friends and in my faith, there I find that happy gives me the attitude to love her. Yes I do envy those who have happy in thier marraige but I have to move on and not dwell on that. I try to make less bad days occur and make more good days happen every year.

[Auspicious]

Can anyone explain what detachment looks like?  Is it that you see the crazy behavior, yet you've trained yourself not to be affected by it?  I wish I could flip a switch and not care what this man does ever again.

No, it's not about not caring ... . just about realizing that they are them, you are you. They are allowed to be upset. Their feelings don't have to be linked directly to yours.

[MaybeSo]

Can anyone explain what detachment looks like?  Is it that you see the crazy behavior, yet you've trained yourself not to be affected by it?  I wish I could flip a switch and not care what this man does ever again.


No, it's not about not caring ... . just about realizing that they are them, you are you. They are allowed to be upset. Their feelings don't have to be linked directly to yours.

Detachment is sort of the antidote to being 'enmeshed' with other. In these relationships, poor boundaries, including being enmeshed, is usually a very unhealthy but common status quo. The enmeshment and merger gets confused with 'love'.  By being detached, you are in essence differentiating your SELF from the merger with other... . your partner.  Differentiation is actually an important developmental stage we were all suppose to go through during our development from childhood to adulthood. If we stay stuck in a unhealthy relationship with poor boundaries, we probably didn't quite differentiate fully ourselves during development, and the intense r/s with BPD often re-enacts childhood love bonds that may not have been very healthy in the first place. for example, a child that felt like they were responsible for their parents wellbeing, whether they were happy or sad, depressed or anxious, sober or drunk... . this sets us up for confusing our stuff with the stuff of 'others'.  Merger and enmeshment and confused boundaries are almost always with an important love object.  So, getting more detached, is something that counteracts that unhealthy merger.  Someone can be depressed or have tantrum, and it has nothing to do with you whatsoever. That doesn't mean you don't care, it means you don't own something or personalize something you have no control over and isn't yours.  You let the other person own their stuff. And you take responsibility for your stuff.  No more fuzzy, toxic blurred boundaries.  You are not clinging to the end of someone elses 'rope' and getting tossed about. You let go of the rope, you detach.

[Saffron2]

No, it's not about not caring ... . just about realizing that they are them, you are you. They are allowed to be upset. Their feelings don't have to be linked directly to yours.

This sounds difficult to do - might take some practice.  

Then again, maybe my situation is a little different.  I don't have problems with raging or anything like that; my problems are linked to living with truly unacceptable behavior... . well that and non-stop lying. If I don't question his insane behavior or any of the lies, he doesn't get upset.  The thing is that he wants to do whatever he wants when he wants to, and I'm not supposed to react. This is really hard to do.  

I've done well for a few weeks, but flew off the handle three times recently (I'm thinking that keeping quiet kind of got me to a point of boiling over) - once when he informed me that he planned on spending a large sum of money on his mistress, once because he wanted to bring our kids around his mistress - I do not want my kids exposed to this mess. The icing on the cake was him wanting to bring his affair partners kids (that are not his) to hang out at our house... . Ummmm h*ll no!  I told him that this doesn't work for me, only to have him look at me blankly and say, "Well, what's the problem?  They're just kids.  It's not their fault that their mother acts like that."  

Stuff like this leaves me feeling like my soul is being sucked right out. I feel tired and beat up just like I completed a 12 round boxing match... . but I don't know what to do.  :)o I even belong here?  This seems so much different from what the rest of you are learning to cope with. :/

[MaybeSo]

My ex was not a rager, either. I've read many posts like yours, so I geuss I'm not sure what makes you feel your situation seems a lot different. With acknowledgement that all of our experiences are unique in their own way!

My ex gets involved with other women; it sounds like your H does that, too.

No matter what the behavior, we have to find a way to take care of ourselves. Generally, that can entail a variety of steps, but boundaries are the first thing that comes to mind.

Detachment doesn't mean just accept crapy behavior no matter what and have no boundaries.

[Saffron2]

My ex was not a rager, either. I've read many posts like yours, so I geuss I'm not sure what makes you feel your situation seems a lot different. With acknowledgement that all of our experiences are unique in their own way!

I guess it's because many of the posts I read seem to be about pretty severe mood swings, abandonment fears getting triggered which lead to a host of other behaviors, push/pull, self-harming, raging ect - none of which I really have to deal with.  Cheating does seem to be a fairly common theme here though.

I need to work on learning not to try to make sense of crazy, self-care, and especially the boundaries.  Since I'm coming from a position of weakness (housewife with no income), that seems particularly tough... . I almost feel like if I had enough of my own income for him to understand that I could leave at any time, he would straighten up to a certain extent. Right now he knows I'm trapped in a house with 3 kids, so he feels quite free to do whatever he wants to do.

[Auspicious]

I almost feel like if I had enough of my own income for him to understand that I could leave at any time, he would straighten up to a certain extent. Right now he knows I'm trapped in a house with 3 kids, so he feels quite free to do whatever he wants to do.

That's still focused on trying to change what he does, though.

"If I do or be this, then he will do or be that."

[SweetCharlotte]

I almost feel like if I had enough of my own income for him to understand that I could leave at any time, he would straighten up to a certain extent. Right now he knows I'm trapped in a house with 3 kids, so he feels quite free to do whatever he wants to do.

That's still focused on trying to change what he does, though.

"If I do or be this, then he will do or be that."

I agree, and let me give you a counter-example. I am financially independent and earn more than my uBPDh. We are in a commuter marriage, with each partner having his/her own place of residence. He still does whatever he wants. Of course, we don't have children together, so I don't have that to hold over his head (terrible when children are used as negotiating chips in these relationships, though). He doesn't cheat except for emotional affairs. My biggest problems with him are being abandoned, being hung up on, and being stonewalled for varying periods of time. I have found no way to change this behavior, though I have worked on myself to avoid the more obvious "triggers" that he cites as the causes of his maladaptive behavior. Nothing seems to work because he just goes to a lower-level provocation and blames me for that. In essence, that means he gets to move the goal posts over a few yards each time. So right now I am refusing to visit him or allow him in my home, taking a "decision-making leave" from it all while I figure out whether and when/how to file for divorce.

[waverider]

I think you are still stuck in working out exactly what your boundaries are, and what they are to protect. They are not used to set normal behavior, they are to protect your own emotional well being. If something makes you sick to the stomach, then it needs a boundary. It does not matter if they are are reasonable or not.

If your issue is that he has a mistress, or that he openly shows this is an issue then it needs a boundary. What part of this is the core issue and what part is just a symptom? If enacting a boundary simply covers the visible symptoms but the core issue remains it will cause resentment and eat you up from inside.

Acceptance is fine, but you can only accept as much as you can. it is the boundary that provides the separation between Acceptance and Resentment.

At what point does acceptance start decaying into resentment, and you are just faking it?