more struggles with painted black by BPD and enablers

[rise_up]

this is most likely going to be 90% cultural... . but i would like your thoughts:

i have distanced myself from cultural/religious occassions because 1) it's a part of my identity crisis i'm working through and 2) i don't really care because i live overseas. im a lesbian and partnered to someone outside my culture. that gives you an idea of what i deal with.

a lot of fuel for intense F.O.Ging

yesterday was a cultural/religious holiday and i dont celebrate. my family and extended family do and they don't know that i really don't celebrate and am indifferent. i am more indifferent now than i ever was before. i could have easily called my brother and parents up to wish them. but i didnt... . and it wasn't a priority. i get a voicemail from my enabiling father this morning:

"you don't even BOTHER to call us for this ocassion. i dont even know what to tell you." repeat 3x and ends the call.

my uBPDmom has been extremely silent this whole time. punishingly silent. but the army of enablers do 'her work' it seems.

i'm stuck in a FOG right now. i have not called my dad back to 'defend' myself. i dont want to get sucked into being reprimanded and punished on the phone like a child and to be told what a 'disprespectful, insensitive, self-absorbed' daughter i am.

i called them last month for their wedding anniversary and i got a neutral response. so there is no reinforcement for 'expected behaviors' and outright punishment for 'violated expectations'.

what a nice way to live and experience a parent-adult child relationship.

it is so much harder with a group of enablers... . because it feels like i am the villain, the bad one, the self-absorbed one with issues. does anyone have a similar experience? if any of you think i am probably the only one with issues, could you share that with me? thanks. sick of the chatter in my head.

[cleotokos]

rise_up, you are not the one with issues! You have every right to choose for yourself whether you want to practice any religion or not. Your parents seem that they would like to force their beliefs on you - of course this is not uncommon in religious families. Have you ever discussed with them how you feel about it, that you've thought of moving away from the beliefs you were raised with?

[mommasa]

You don't have to defend yourself.  If it is not something that is important to you, then it just isn't.  Remember that you never need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) yourself or your choices just to appease others.  When enablers come calling; feel free to ignore or you can answer something that is true and empowering for yourself. recently when my BPDmom flipped out that i hadn't called my brother I responded with "it can be really stressful to always be worried about what other people are doing and why; so I just want to reassure you that any choices i make are 100% about me and what's going on in my life and you don't need to read too much into it." 

[rise_up]

cleotokos,

i have shared with them that i feel disconnected from my culture and religion a lot. i haven't felt validated when doing that. their responses are things like,

"what did we do wrong?"

"you don't make enough effort to integrate into the cultural circles. you're the one that doesn't let people in."

"you have an identity crisis and are being influenced (read: brainwashed) by people. you are very gullible. you've lost your way".

i see those responses as:

1) victimizing themselves- they didn't have to do anything 'wrong'. what if they did everything right and i still felt this way? no acceptance.

2) blaming- often times i share something personal or troubling for me and i get blamed for letting myself feel that way or not doing enough.

3) manipulating- if they feel like they can't manipulate/control me, they will insist that others are controlling/brainwashing/influencing me.

4) pathologizing- prescribing an 'identity crisis' (which i do indeed have) but pairing it with 'you are gullible'... .

i'm very thankful that i can see these things as they come up. the challenge these days is knowing how to respond if i feel like i need to. my default is to withdraw. but withdrawing does not set boundaries unless they are spoken.

thank you so much for your validating resposnes cleotokos and mommasa... .

[Heartbroken Daughter]

Hi Rise_up,

First of all I love your screen name... . I just wanted to say that I don't know your exact situation but I can relate. The last time I saw my BPD mother she was trying to tell me to goto the church down the street from my new apt, I came right out and told her that I didn't need Jesus to know I'm a good person and the last thing I need in my life are the kind of people that I would meet at church. She was so beside herself she just stared at me and didn't know how to respond I'm sure that night over an oversized martini everyone in her life heard a version of what came out of my mouth. I guess before I shut her out I'd finally reached a point where I was enjoying standing up for my own beliefs if she was going to demonize me anyway. Now I don't think EVERYONE that goes to church or is part of a religion are terrible people, I know a lot of people are just searching for meaning in life and trying to give their family a good foundation. However I do think there are alot of people searching for acceptance and an excuse to be judgemental. It's just my opnion but we live in such a modern age there is so much information out there that is just facinating and scientifically proven to me religion is a dusty old fairy tale full of judgement and oppression.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel any guilt in not wanting to be a part of the culture you grew up in. I'm not sure you even noticed but in the beginning of your post you stated this was part of your identity crisis later on you said they where the ones that labeled you with an identity crisis... . I know how hard it is to separate their reality from your own but it sounds to me like you're doing just fine. Again I don't know your situation but it sounds like you've found someone that loves and accepts you for who you are and you've somehow built some distance if you're living in another country. I'm about to turn 30 and dealing with my own mentally ill mother and I've spent the past few years coming out of the same fog not even realizing I was still stuck in it. Stop telling yourself you are having an identity crisis, if you where truly in the middle of an identity crisis how would the woman that you have fallen in love with have been able to have fall in love with you? She obviously see's the woman who you are struggling to be and is waiting for you to really see her too. So let them think they have won when they don't hear from you, they haven't won and the more and more you stop picking up the phone out of guilt the more they will realize you don't care what they have to say. After all and I hope you don't mind me saying this but as a lesbian why would you want to be a part of any culture that judges you just because of the way you love? I don't know of any relgion that truly accepts gay and lesbian relationships and of all that is wrong with this world to waste time judging someone for how or whom they choose to love... . THAT is the real sin.

Wow see mix religion/culture and BPD and just watch me go off ... . Anyway I hope this gets easier for you try to hold on to the people in your life that are positive and let go of the ones that bring only guilt, shame or confusion into your life. Life is to short to hold onto those emotions. Good luck