I m new . contd

[DML001]

Hello Everyone,



Last week I stumbled across this forum and realized how common my situation actually is. I will try to keep this as short as possible. Before I start I want to tell each and every one of you that I am so sorry for what you/we are going through and I wish us all the very best for the future.



So almost 2 years ago my partner F, lost her ex father in law unexpectedly . It was extremely sad and undeserving. He was everything to her. There was some pretty nasty family bickering over the estate . My partner did not care about money or property as she only wanted him back. At this point in time we had been together approx 4 years, things were not perfect but were not horrible either. We still had fun and had many things in common. After the passing she withdrew. She would go to work , come home and get into bed and watch TV until she fell asleep. She stopped talking to me unless it was to tell me what not to do as it would remind her of her loss.



Christmas came around and I got her whatever she had mentioned. She gave me the most bizarre items but I made the best of it. Two weeks later she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. I was destroyed and I begged her to get some help as she was in deep depression. She agreed she needed something but did not know where to look. Luckily I have counseling available to me 24/7 through my works EAP program. I called and they set us up with a counselor who dealt with death. When we arrived F told the counselor that she didn t know who I was or remembered any of the things I had told her. She said she doesn't even know if she liked movies but since I had told her we used to go to movies she sort of believed it but was not sure . She told the counselor to tell me to leave her alone . So the counselor looked me in the eye and told me not to pressure F in any way.

I was in complete shock... this was alot worse than I expected, my partner did not know who I was. She refused to return to any counseling. I tried printing articles about grief and she just tossed them away. I found a grief group and she seemed to want to go , but never did. Then she told me she was having thoughts of hurting our animals, we had two dogs and three cats at the time. She was focused on one dog and one cat, ironically the ones whom she loved the most.

Finally we went to the emergency department of our mental health hospital. She wanted to get better. We were expecting to talk and walk away with a prescription. Well it was a horrifying experience to say the least. They separated us and lied to me saying they would giver her some meds. Then they told me they were keeping her . I said like hell they were. She came to me in tears and I did my best to convince them but they had law on their side. As they took her away she told me she hated me. I returned later that night with a toothbrush etc. She was civil to me but she did not belong there. It was one of the worst places I have ever seen, but thats another story. The next day they released her because she seemed " happier " and they said wasn t it great what a good nights sleep can do! I just shook my head and vowed to never ever return there .



So then she decided that she wanted to be on her own and for the safety of the animals she was going to get her own apartment. And she did. So that meant that now I would have to move as I could not afford the rent alone. She moved into her new apartment in March but stayed with me until I moved at the end of May. I asked her if she would consider seeing our naturopath as she would no longer trust any doctor who could lock her up. She agreed and we had fantastic results. The naturopath gave her some supplements and she started feeling better within hours! I had moved about 30 mins away from her but she would come spend time at my place every week . Things were going well! The first anniversary passed and she was starting to become her old self again! However she had no recollection of breaking up with me 9 months before. She did not remember TV shows , or movies but I was just so happy to see her smiling and laughing again!



So our plan was to eventually move back in together . Christmas came around again and it was better than the last.  Then in February one of the cats was diagnosed with cancer. But the biggest heartache was coming. We had a senior dog who was suffering with severe arthritis . I had her on meds, special food ,supplements and anything else the vet recommended but I knew it was getting close to the end. So I mentioned that we needed to think about what was best for the dog. She would not hear it, told me she would pay for the meds . I said its not a matter of that its what best for the dog. Anyways after three cancellations we finally said goodbye to the dog 6 weeks later. Oh and the week before we said goodbye she broke up with me yet again.



This time she was adamant we were done. She had not met anyone or wasn t looking but in case she did she wanted to be free. I was so hurt. I said well I am not friends with my exes so I ll need to get my stuff from your apartment. She said she wanted us to be friends and again I said no. So she said I could not have my things back and she will not tell me if she is seeing someone else. I said I would figure it out. This was also the time she chose to tell me that she had started hurting herself and she wanted me to tell our family doctor, which I did.



This was about 3 months ago and our contact has lessened. However we have gone out  and  had a fantastic time! I have been wondering if the passing of our dog was the trigger for her leaving again.

During these last few months she has continued harming herself and becoming more withdrawn. She did recently tell our family doctor what she has been doing. She is actually proud of the scars on her arms from what she does. According to a book she gave me on the subject this is normal. So our doctor is trying her on some meds and to also get her into a therapist. We have maybe weekly texts but nothing in person. This past weekend we had tentative plans for a movie but as usual she didn t respond to my messages . Then on Monday wrote one word " sorry "

well I was really upset , frustrated you name it. So I wrote her back that I doubted she was sorry at all . She did not respond. I have noticed a lot of strange behavior such as her apt has to be all white , she freaks if you turn a light or the tv on since it will cost her money. Every month she is on the phone to the hydro company complaining about her $18 bill. Last time we talked she said she wanted me to go meet someone and I said I had no interest. She said she was unable to meet anyone until I did. I said well thats too bad I m not doing that. She then stated she wasn t sure if she could handle seeing me with anyone else . Oh and she seems to think that she could keep a new partner in her life secret from me. I told her I am not sneaking around to meet up with her to say hello or whatever.


sigh I need to run to work now but will continue this later.






Thanks for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DML001]

So that is what has happened in the past 2 years. But the more I think about our relationship the more strange things seem. For instance there were occasions where we would be out having a good time and then when we returned home she wouldn't speak to me! I would usually end up begging forgiveness for something that I didn't do . She would always find a way to punish me if I was happy. If it was just us alone then everything was great but the minute family or friends were in the picture I knew there would be a fight coming.

So of course I chose to not be happy or see friends and family.

Despite all of this I still love her and want her back. I know the type of person she can be , not all of our time together was bad , in fact there were a lot of good times. So I am praying she will somehow get better , find meds that work and also a therapist and hopefully she will start to miss me and the good times we had. When we talk she just seems like an empty shell , there is no life in her eyes anymore. I asked her why she never called me and she said she doesn t call anyone , she has nothing to say.  :'(.

So am i being naive? Can people with BPD exist in a relationship ? I am so confused about everything . How can someone who used to call me  from work on every break now not talk to me for days?