Daughter of uBPD/NPD Mother

[smd85234]

Hi, I am glad I found this board.  Probably should have done something like this 20+ years ago.

Why am I here?  In a nutshell - my mother passed away in March, leaving behind 3 adult daughters and 4 grandchildren. I believe that my mom was/had BPD/NPD.  I came to this opinion after many years of random research where I was trying to answer the question, "Why is my mom so crazy?"  Along with the normal titles that BPD moms seem to earn (crazy bhit, drama queen), I thought my mom was kind of like an alien who had come to earth to learn our ways but wasn't doing a very good job of it.  For a time I wondered if she had a psychopathic personality - I genuinely do not remember her ever being concerned about others when they were ill or having bad times.  Somehow that led me to the description of NPD, which fit, as well as BPD, which really fit. 

I have many terrible childhood stories, as BPD children do.  I don't know how much to describe here.  It's tiresome even to me.  My mother had a terrible gift of attracting very bad men into her life.  My elder sister was molested and when she told my mom, she was thrown out of the house so the molester could stay.  She threw middle-of-the-night tirades in my room, tearing all the clothes off hangers and dumping drawers, then telling me to stay up until it was all clean.  She took my younger sister and I on a 2 month summer road trip with her lover and had explicit sexual relationships with us in the room.  She abused alcohol and overspent.  She cried and raged and cornered us in the car to talk and talk and talk.  And we could never, ever have an accomplishment that overshadowed hers.  In college, I won a really amazing creative writing award.  It was the highest paying writing contest in the country and I placed first.  I didn't invite her to the awards ceremony (honestly, it just didn't occur to me to include her in my important moments) but told her about it at a family holiday later.  She gave me one sentence of acknowledgement, then told me she had something to show me.  A writing assignment from a business class that she was taking... . she earned all 5 points for it and the instructor just went on and on about how WONDERFUL it was.  Of course it was.  It could never, ever be about us.  She knew more than anyone on any subject you could name.  Best just to keep quiet and be a mirror for her.

I have never really discussed my bizarre life with anyone other than close friends and my husband.  So why do I want to now?  My mom passed away in March.  I no longer have to deal with the surreal experience of trying to have a relationship with someone who really can't love you or be there for you in any meaningful way.  But it seems that my mom may have gotten one last sucker-punch in.  My sisters and I are moving through estate issues and realizing that my mom left everything of value to her last lover, an alcoholic with anger issues who made some extremely inappropriate sexual comments about my infant daughter.  By everything I mean whatever cash assets and property she had as well as jewelry that we've had in our family for two or more generations.  The ring that my father gave her when they married.  China and other sentimentals.  We were told that we could have any photographs we wanted and her old clothing.

In so many ways this is right on for my mom.  She really wasn't very generous with her children at all.  I read somewhere that BPD mothers don't enjoy motherhood and that really resonated with me.  She explicitly said, ":)on't ever have children, hit_.  They ruin your life."  I always felt we were punished/hated for simply being there.  And now in her will, it's there in writing. Not any acknowledgement that she had daughters or grandchildren.

And I'm finding all this to be a tremendous trigger right now.  Probably b/c of my children.  I am used to being hurt and overlooked.  But the grandchildren... . I don't understand that.  I invited her to the hospital to meet them as soon as possible.  She joined us for holidays and church ceremonies and regular visits.  I brought them to see and visit with her.  I did all the things that normal people do when a new generation joins the family.  But she just couldn't - and never would - do the things that normal people do.  I'm not cash hungry - but there is something important about having a grandparent acknowledge your child with a simple $10 gift to their college fund.  I am in my 40s now and have seen a few friends close out their parent(s) estate.  No one has this story to tell.  You would think that we were terribly estranged or something - but no, I just have a BPD mother.

She can be funny though.  My favorite line in her will said that if anyone contested her will, they would lose all their inheritance and get only $1.  Which is more than she actually left us!  Laughing through tears.  Something tells me that my mom really loved that line. 

Ah well - I look forward to helping where I can and hoping to gain a little peace along the way.  I am particularly interested/concerned about my own abilities to parent well after a BPD childhood.  I know I don't have BPD but I also know I had a serious lack of good parenting role models, and I worry that I may miss things or eff things up with my own kids.  I couldn't stand it if I hurt them even 10% as much as I've been hurt.

Thanks for listening.

[SweetCharlotte]

That's horrible. She gave the gift that keeps on hurting.

After all the years of mistreatment and inappropriate behavior, is the will such a surprise?

If you feel left out because your friends who are settling their parents' estates are doing better, consider my example. My Mom was uBPD and alcoholic. My Dad, who was an alcoholic and probably bipolar, stayed with her even though she gave him two children from different illicit lovers (my younger brothers). She finally seems to have finished him off with a blow to the head after she was diagnosed with terminal cirrhosis. He hemorrhaged in the brain severely but still survived her to live on in a nursing home, completely paralyzed, for six years.

I had to pay a couple thousand dollars to have my Mother buried and a couple hundred for my Dad. They left me absolutely nothing because they were in debt when they died, and my youngest brother was still living in their rent-controlled apartment and took over any possessions of theirs. My relationship with my half-brothers has always been strained, and now one of them wants my kidney because he is dying of the inherited kidney disorder that he must have inherited from that particular lover (his son also has it).

That is the way things end with a dysfunctional family. You now have years worth of material to write about. You may wonder, as I did, where some nice piece of jewelry went. It is immaterial. The important thing is to stay away from the low-life she put in her will.

[Sitara]

Welcome, and I'm sorry you had to go through so much.

It could never, ever be about us.  She knew more than anyone on any subject you could name.

I completely understand this one.  I can only remember getting one true compliment from my uBPD mom, and it was because I threw a surprise birthday party for her.  And don't ever try to correct her on anything even if it's obviously not true.  She just responds with saying either I don't know what I'm talking about or I just think she's stupid.

I am used to being hurt and overlooked.  But the grandchildren... . I don't understand that.

I also used to withstand the abuse, but my kids are the real reason I really started realizing this is not ok and I need to do something about it. 

I invited her to the hospital to meet them as soon as possible.

My mom watched my first child when I was in labor with my second because "he can stay as long as you need us to keep him," then he was back on my doorstep less than 24 hours after getting back home from the hospital (and she wanted to bring him earlier but it was too inconvenient to drive him home at the time).

I brought them to see and visit with her.

You brought them. You, not she came and visited.  This is such a common theme in my life.  I am expected to set things up.  I'm supposed to bring them to her house.  And if she wants to see them and we make her pick them up, she acts like we should be so thankful she's so willing to come all this way (25 min drive) to see them.

There are definitely plenty of people here who understand what you're going through and are willing to listen to whatever it is you need to let out.