The Uncertain Dance: How to Re-enter Relationship with uBPD DIL

[Our abuse recovery guide]

After a brief separation of several weeks, my DS has decided to give his marriage another try. He had informed us of his goal of reconciliation a few weeks prior to actually moving back to his home and the night before he did go back said that he would be doing so but really didn't want to discuss more in detail. He did assure me that he felt confident that uBPD DIL was aligned with a qualified T, he with his own T and the two of them together with a marriage counselor.  It sounds as if they are on a healthy track toward their own healing and of course I support that.

OTOH, I find myself struggling now with where DH and I go from here with re-estabilishing our relationship with the DIL, which prior to this experience -- that aside from a few   I had noticed along the past few years -- had been excellent. I feel as if we're not even back to baseline with the relationship but below it as we've now seen the splitting and projection she's capable of, heard quite a bit of her vitriol. I understand the pathology of disorder - but I have to admit, it hurts.

It's funny that there's a recent thread on here about dreams as I awoke this morning to tell my husband about one I had last night in which it was my apparent routine to bike ride with one of my children as a baby to my grandparents/aunt's home a good half-hour highway journey (this was, in reality, by car) away from my own childhood home. One one such trip I no sooner arrived home with the child than I realized that DIL was walking back on her own and that I should offer her a lift so I went back on my

bicycle to get her. Only then was I faced with a two-fold dilemma: do I kiss her as I normally had? do I abandon my own bicycle to give to her so she could complete her journey -- but then what devices would be left to me to get back home? There was also another strange element of the dream [warning: explicit] - and I imagine this has to do with nurturing on some level or else it was a power struggle of some sort - as when we did meet up we somehow greeted by comparing breasts -- very odd but it did help to overcome my conflict about kissing her as a greeting!  And I imagine, too, has to do with my concerns over my DGC.

I have taken the step of making an appointment with a T next week to discuss my concerns. But this is a knowledgable, experienced board and any suggestions would be appreciated.

[mil2bpd]

After a brief separation of several weeks, my DS has decided to give his marriage another try. He had informed us of his goal of reconciliation a few weeks prior to actually moving back to his home and the night before he did go back said that he would be doing so but really didn't want to discuss more in detail. He did assure me that he felt confident that uBPD DIL was aligned with a qualified T, he with his own T and the two of them together with a marriage counselor.  It sounds as if they are on a healthy track toward their own healing and of course I support that.

OTOH, I find myself struggling now with where DH and I go from here with re-estabilishing our relationship with the DIL, which prior to this experience -- that aside from a few   I had noticed along the past few years -- had been excellent. I feel as if we're not even back to baseline with the relationship but below it as we've now seen the splitting and projection she's capable of, heard quite a bit of her vitriol. I understand the pathology of disorder - but I have to admit, it hurts.

It's funny that there's a recent thread on here about dreams as I awoke this morning to tell my husband about one I had last night in which it was my apparent routine to bike ride with one of my children as a baby to my grandparents/aunt's home a good half-hour highway journey (this was, in reality, by car) away from my own childhood home. One one such trip I no sooner arrived home with the child than I realized that DIL was walking back on her own and that I should offer her a lift so I went back on my

bicycle to get her. Only then was I faced with a two-fold dilemma: do I kiss her as I normally had? do I abandon my own bicycle to give to her so she could complete her journey -- but then what devices would be left to me to get back home? There was also another strange element of the dream [warning: explicit] - and I imagine this has to do with nurturing on some level or else it was a power struggle of some sort - as when we did meet up we somehow greeted by comparing breasts -- very odd but it did help to overcome my conflict about kissing her as a greeting!  And I imagine, too, has to do with my concerns over my DGC.

I have taken the step of making an appointment with a T next week to discuss my concerns. But this is a knowledgable, experienced board and any suggestions would be appreciated.

[Kwamina]

Hi mil2BPD,

OTOH, I find myself struggling now with where DH and I go from here with re-estabilishing our relationship with the DIL, which prior to this experience -- that aside from a few    I had noticed along the past few years -- had been excellent. I feel as if we're not even back to baseline with the relationship but below it as we've now seen the splitting and projection she's capable of, heard quite a bit of her vitriol. I understand the pathology of disorder - but I have to admit, it hurts.

Whatever you decide to do, you'll probably have to work on trying to not take anything your DIL says or does personally. I realize this is easier said than done though. The verbal attacks hurt me too, but as I stopped seeing my  uBPD relatives as normal rational people, it became somewhat easier for me to not take their behavior personally.

I have taken the step of making an appointment with a T next week to discuss my concerns. But this is a knowledgable, experienced board and any suggestions would be appreciated.

Boundaries will be very important and also learning from your recent experiences with your DIL. You've seen what she's capable of now and you can use this knowledge to your advantage. The element of surprise is gone so now you can prepare for possible future situations so you will be better able to deal with them when they occur.