Terminating rights

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After the last melt down and my Ex diagnosed BPDgf two weeks ago today. Yesterday when I arrived home from work I was served for a termination of parental rights suit filed by my ex on Wed... She is claiming I have not accepted paternity, although we both completed and I mailed the documents to the state to have me added to our daughters birth certificate at the end of May. She is claiming grounds for termination is that I have not supported our daughter for over a year. My ex went no contact while pregnant in December of 2010. I attempted to reach out to her multiple times, but was contacted by her step father advising she was suffering complications with the pregnancy due to the stress my contact caused. He also advised she hated me and wished me to not be a part of our daughters life. So have no contact with her until April of 2013 when I reach out to her. I am wanting to be a part of my daughters life, I cant ignore she exists anymore. The ex and I recycle the relationship again... I am added to our daughters birth certificate... Off the bat I start picking up the financial load for not only our daughter, but my ex. We even lived together as a family for a couple of months. Unfortunately nothing changed in that 2.5 year split. The ex decides to go no contact again when she decides I do not have enough money. Here we are... .  

[duncanville1]

After the last melt down and my Ex diagnosed BPDgf two weeks ago today. Yesterday when I arrived home from work I was served for a termination of parental rights suit filed by my ex on Wed... She is claiming I have not accepted paternity, although we both completed and I mailed the documents to the state to have me added to our daughters birth certificate at the end of May. She is claiming grounds for termination is that I have not supported our daughter for over a year. My ex went no contact while pregnant in December of 2010. I attempted to reach out to her multiple times, but was contacted by her step father advising she was suffering complications with the pregnancy due to the stress my contact caused. He also advised she hated me and wished me to not be a part of our daughters life. So have no contact with her until April of 2013 when I reach out to her. I am wanting to be a part of my daughters life, I cant ignore she exists anymore. The ex and I recycle the relationship again... I am added to our daughters birth certificate... Off the bat I start picking up the financial load for not only our daughter, but my ex. We even lived together as a family for a couple of months. Unfortunately nothing changed in that 2.5 year split. The ex decides to go no contact again when she decides I do not have enough money. Here we are... .  

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry you got news like that.  In one way or another many of us faced that level of rejection.  In my case, my ex tried every way she could to get me to become irrelevant or nonexistent.  Before our separation I recall her saying in a rage she would disappear and I'd never see my preschooler again.  After we separated she made increasingly shocking allegations to make me go away, even if it took orange jumpsuits.  Fortunately I avoided that, but during a 3 months period between orders she blocked all father-child contact until the court set a schedule again.

Generally, loss of parental rights has to be for fairly extreme reasons.  So unless your ex has proof and you have none to the contrary, the court ought to be reluctant to agree with her.  Another possible factor to consider is that since you weren't married the state may by default give her far more rights to custody and time than you - until a court rules otherwise.  So it's possible her move may turn out positive for you, getting the court to rule that her blocking is not warranted.  (Or force her to make false and increasingly shocking allegations about you.  My ex started with mild allegations and when those didn't work, she kept making more extreme ones.)

It is probably best to get legal consultations or even retain a qualified attorney since the courtroom rules and procedures can trip us regular people up, not always follow common sense.  Organize and bring with you your documentation of anything relevant to (1) your involvement in parenting and support and (2) her blocking, inconsistent behaviors, recent diagnosis if available, etc.

Is this an opportunity where you can petition the court to give you as much involvement in custody as possible and set a parenting time schedule?  Always being one the defense is not a good place to be.  Sometimes a good defense is a strong offense.  Discuss that with the lawyers you consult or hire.

Consider too that she surely has painted you back to her family and so of course they've sided with her thus far.  Be very careful not to give them any reason to think you misbehave.  Keep your cool, though you probably already are careful about that.

[duncanville1]

Her family, namely her mother is the root of all this. I am sure the family is holding money over her head and pushing. When the Ex announced she was pregnant to her family, her mother requested she abort our child. Thankfully this did not happen. I do feel in the end that I will not loose my rights. I am not looking to get full custody, as I feel our daughter needs her mother. From what I can tell my ex is good to her. I just cannot walk away. The ex is currently in a better financial position that me, for now I am going to accomplish as much as possible without representation and employ a attorney when needed. This madness has to stop, in no way is this situation warranted, nor is it in anyone's best interest.

[catnap]

Where I live, free representation would be available to you in a termination of parental rights hearing.  It would be worth your time, IMO, to check out if this is true for your area as well.  If you prefer to find your own attorney, some do offer a consultation for free or a small fee. 

Do you have a copy of the birth certificate naming you as father?  As well as copies of the paperwork you and your ex filed in May?  It appears you ex may have omitted some information to her attorney. 

When is the hearing? 

[duncanville1]

I do not have a copy of the birth certificate as of yet. The ex and I both contacted the state a couple of weeks ago who said it was in process. There was a form she could file within 60 days to stop the process of adding me. If that occurred then she had filed this long before we split and had not informed me. I do have the paperwork we submitted in May. No formal hearing date set, I just have to answer the petition in 20 days...

[ForeverDad]

I am not looking to get full custody, as I feel our daughter needs her mother.

This concerns me, but bear with me as I explain my concern.  After all, since you are being shut out of your child's life, someone needs to speak up that your daughter needs a father too!

Unless she is being abusive, neglectful or endangering to your child, the court will likely allow her to keep majority time.  But since she has recently been diagnosed with BPD, that may be a factor to your benefit.  People with BPD tend to have trouble regulating their emotions and moods, making interpersonal relationships very difficult for all those near them, often including the children.  Thus far she has focused the most of her conflict and demands on you, not your child.  But in the next 15-20 years, it is a real possibility - probability - she will rant and rage at least some of the time at the children too.  However, it's difficult for the court to make decisions based on probabilities, generally it requires 'incidents' tht demonstrate a need for change.

So on the one hand, I agree that it's practical not to expect to get custody.

On the other hand, I worry that sitting back and accepting a likely outcome without expressing your concerns to the court is not doing a service to your child.  Is there a way to express to the court that you feel you would be the more stable parent for the child and therefore need as much parental authority, involvement and time with the child as possible?

From what I can tell my ex is good to her.

Beware.  To an extent, yes, the child is being cared for.  But feeding and diapering is only the start.  It has been noted that as children get older and want progressively more decision-making in their lives, the Borderline parent can't let loose the need to control the child and dictate right and wrong according to the mother's moods of the moment.  Right now your child can't express herself to her mother.  As she gets older she will want expanding freedom, be forming the basics of values and realities and you know your exGF can't handle that.  You know how demanding she was of you.  You know how hard that was on you, an adult, imagine a child being influenced and pressured, a child who knows nothing else about how normal families function.  Right now, you're the ex's focus, but over time your daughter will get in her cross-hairs too.

This is one of the most expensive books we mention here, but just the title gives you an idea of the content... .

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.  That book review includes this sentence:  Dr. Lawson's recommendations for prevention include empathic understanding of the borderline mother and early intervention with her children to ground them in reality and counteract the often dangerous effects of living with a "make-believe" mother.

[duncanville1]

Spoke with the attorney I wanna use today, this was our second conversation. He was quite surprised the exgf filed with what she did. He was very optimistic about not having her petition granted. Of course now we counter sue for custody. I am unsure what her family thinks, this is simply wasting money on both sides not to mention about to drag all the BPD stuff into a public venue.

[Forward2free]

Unfortunately, and fortunately, it's not about the money. Early on in my custody issues I realised that it was about keeping the children safe and emotionally healthy and limiting the time with BPD/Nxh as much as reasonably possible - you can't value that with money.

You can make more money, but you don't often get a second chance at changing circumstances and giving your child the best start in life. Don't worry about what other's think. Just do what is fair and right and right for your child.

[ForeverDad]

Spoke with the attorney I wanna use today, this was our second conversation. He was quite surprised the exgf filed with what she did. He was very optimistic about not having her petition granted. Of course now we counter sue for custody. I am unsure what her family thinks... .

Beware if you think her having BPD makes this a simple case.  It doesn't.  Yes, hopefully BPD will be a factor.  But it may not be a big factor since courts generally prefer to rule on history and the behaviors and not a diagnosis.  Once the court recognizes the behaviors, then a diagnosis means more.

Also, courts give more weight to parenting behaviors versus adult behaviors.  There's not much history for parenting, well, except for her consistently blocking your parenting.  I think that's an important point to make when you file.  "Your honor, she has consistently blocked my parenting and my access to our child.  Clearly, she has demonstrated a history of blocking my parenting rather than sharing our child with me.  But I can share.  That's why I'm seeking custody, because I can share our child with her.  Otherwise I worry that we will be back to court here repeatedly due to her poor behaviors and that's not healthy for our child."

And do try to get it "on the record".  From my years in family court, it seems the court prefers to have as little on the record as possible, perhaps expecting that years later the parents will be thankful the past conflict disappeared in the past.  However with BPD and similar PDs, it is usually a persistent pattern that only goes away with long term therapy.

A psych eval may not be needed since she's already had a diagnosis, let's hope your lawyer can get it into evidence.  Very likely you will have to ask for a custody evaluation.  Custody evaluation may include a psych eval but goes beyond and looks for ways to accomplish parenting for the next 18 years.  But still, her past majority parenting will mean a lot, your goal needs to be demonstrating your low level of parenting was due to her blocking, obstruction and conflict.

[duncanville1]

Thanks for everyone's help. I am so lost in this, two weeks ago we were living together as a family. The ex finds out I was lying about money I didn't have, ran back to her mother and here we are... I am not dealing well at all. Even as we lived together I would wake up nightly in a panic that she was gone again. Through the course of 3.5 year relationship I would say we are running over 30 recycles... . Like always I completely blame myself... I am a horrible person, do I even need to fight for my little girl?

[ForeverDad]

Like always I completely blame myself... I am a horrible person, do I even need to fight for my little girl?

Has she trained you that well to accept the blame?

Your distress is situational.  You give every indication of being a reasonably normal, though stressed and distressed, person.  If she would have behaved reasonably normally, all would be well today.  Therefore you are NOT horrible!   However, you ARE in a horrible situation.  Can you see the distinction?

Stop feeling that, you couldn't do the impossible or manage the unattainable.  While you were bailing out the boat (read: relationship) she was busy carving more holes in the hull.

Ask yourself, if you were that baby girl, would you want your more stable parent to do all that was reasonably possible?

[duncanville1]

All I can say is I cannot stand a life without my daughter in it. She is the most important thing in my life. She has always shifted the blame to me, no matter how bad the dynamic was she set up. I have NEVER done the things I have in this relationship. My life was pretty stable before we reconciled, now I am back to where I was in 2010 when she left and went no contact while pregnant...