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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: the "relapse" after 2 months of NC and moving through the grief  (Read 327 times)
HealingSlowly

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 33


« on: August 10, 2013, 11:44:56 PM »

I'm having a bad day... . but trying to refocus and so thankful for this support group!

Two months of NC. I did not answer his last totally mind-boggling email two months ago and that seems to have "done the trick" ... . for now. There's still NC and, thankfully, I have no desire or crazy urge to make contact (did that I don't know how many times earlier on and regretted each and every time ... . though of course he could contact me whenever and I'd be ... . what I thought was normal, talking things out!)... .

But this evening, I was in an area of town in which we spent a lot of time (coffee shops, bookstores, restaurants) and ... . I am or rather was right back there.

The grief was so intense, so immediate, so raw. Just trying to feel through it and remember that I am missing the memories of what was - but THAT "what was" was not what I thought it was at all. If that were real or rather healthy and normal on ANY terms, none of this would be happening. I mean, the r/s, which ended well over 8 months ago (again - and he abruptly ended it this time without a conversation and OMG on the phone!) was then all about his push pull and no respect for my boundaries or consideration/compassion that I am a human being with a heart who did not want this to end. It was truly bizarre.

So I need to remember the bizarre. I am the one who still has compassion because none of it makes sense and if I had to choose, I'd rather be in my head/heart than his!

But a bad day nonetheless ... . It scares me to know/feel that I have worked through so much of this and then out of nowhere - something familiar - and I could be right back there. I know this too shall pass but sometimes I am so scared that I will never really get over this. ... .

Thanks for listening!

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Emelie Emelie
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 665


« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2013, 12:02:14 AM »

I'm scared I'll never get over this either.  That I'll never have another relationship with the kind of emotional intensity this one had.  But I know I have to be careful not to idealize this relationship either.  Yes it was wonderful in many ways.  But it was very not so wonderful in a lot of ways too. 

I need to remember the bizarre too. 

Good for you for the two months of NC.  I've only gone two days at this point.  And I regret it each and every time as well. 

Love what you said about rather be in your head/heart than his.  That is so true. 
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cylec

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 38


« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2013, 12:28:00 AM »

Thank you to both of you ladies for your words.  Healing, just reading what you typed is giving me the strength to stay away and continue my nc with my exgf at all costs... . even when I so want to go groveling back.

Emilie, good for you also, my friend... . we all know that if we do contact them we will just regret it.    Now if only I will just take my own advice... .

God bless you both... . you are not alone, either of you.

Cyle
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HealingSlowly

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 33


« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2013, 01:28:55 AM »

Hey Emilie and Cyle... . thanks for your posts!

I am FINALLY at the point of knowing on every level of my being that I cannot and will not make contact ... . and this after all the regrets and pain and crazy-making time each time I did over and over and over again... . but I honestly think I had to go through that too... . People have said to me: don't answer when the call comes in, do not listen to any message. Delete. Same with email. Just delete.

Are they joking? They obviously do not understand the situation. When I didn't respond earlier on, this just made my ex want more and more contact - though always bizarre, of course. And then I'd cave over and over again... . and I would feel HORRIBLE, worse than ever each and every time. So I knew I had to find a different way - to figure out how to deal with an undiagnosed BPD and my own shattered and yes, co-dependent heart/life with this person at the same time.

Anyway, I think the contact thing and back and forth is part of the process... . but a really hard part of the process! I mean, what person here can say they cut off all contact and went NC and were so clear? There would have been no issues for that person or none to make her/him be here or be in the relationship in the first place, right?

I'm not saying, though, I think it's a good idea to make/have contact. At least I know it's best to try not to ... . if it only keeps breaking your heart and keeps you spinning endlessly. Just trying to say that when you do make contact, as/when you know you shouldn't but cave, try at least to take it as part of the process and learn from each new wound and all the reopened wounds... . and that there ain't nothing and no one who can stop that bleeding but each of us finally. The ones we love are obviously not going to do this for us... .

All best!

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Octoberfest
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 717


« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2013, 01:39:41 AM »

There comes a step after knowing that you cannot and will not make contact where you don't even want to make contact 

I'll tell you what, you want to feel a sense of progress and accomplishment... .
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