help" emotional attack this morning from uBPDmom and enablers

[rise_up]

saturdays are my days to skype with my family who live far away. i got a thick guilt trip from them because i won't fly to see them in september... . because i can't just leave my responsibilities (im 27 and youngest of my siblings... . so they think its ok to treat me like im 7). they don't understand that and think that my work is more important than them.

i got words like, "you have to. tell your boss your father is sick and your mother is dying. you are going to come here in september".

i said this is not emergency.

they said "do you want it to become one?"

come on... .

after a lot of yelling and interruptions, i put a boundary down and said im feeling anxious and frustrated that im not being listened to. i'm signing off now. and hung up.

my mother texts me saying, "please come to me asap. i need you here with me. please. im going to have a mental breakdown. have some sympathy for your mother who loves you so much".

disgusting. i did not respond- i will not engage and reward that behavior.

my brother emails me (copying my parents) and says how disappointed he is in me. how im not making a better commitment to communicating. telling me i have to come in september other my parents will be very upset. what is stopping me from going. there are technical issues with visas and passports, etc. so the time frame to travel is limited. mom is hosting an event she wants you to be part of. you will miss her thing if you dont go.

i acknowledged the email and said i would respond in a few hours. but i dont know what to say because im seeing red.

help?

[GeekyGirl]

I'm glad that you're sticking up for yourself and being consistent. I know that this has to be hard, and I'm sure you were left very hurt and angry after yesterday's Skype session with your parents.

Is there a reason why they're so intent on having you visit in September rather than October? I know that they've pushed you to visit for an extended period, and that would be hard for you. Is there a family event, holiday or some other reason that makes September so important to them?

Your brother seems very enmeshed with your parents, and you did the right thing by not responding to his e-mail when you were really angry.  Sometimes all you can do is say something like, "I know you mean well and want to help, but this is between me and our parents, and I need you to respect that." Sometimes you have to say it repeatedly. That's yet one more boundary that you'll need to uphold.

My heart goes out to you, rise. You're a strong person, and yet I know how tough it is when your parents are pulling you in one direction, and your needs and desires pull you in the other.   

[Clearmind]

Yes not engaging is best and not responding to blanket emails to the family is also good practice.

We so want to jump and hit reply and post our thoughts.

Bro’s email: Ignore!

If you seeing red don’t reply. Your brother is taking on the guilt and projecting. Don’t buy into it.

Remind yourself Rise that your siblings grew up in the same house you did. There are limitations to effective communication through the lens of a BPD induced childhood.

[skinny13]

(im 27 and youngest of my siblings... . so they think its ok to treat me like im 7). they don't understand that and think that my work is more important than them.

I'm sorry you're getting this kind of treatment. Many of us can relate! I'm glad you stood up for yourself and also that you did not respond to your brother's guilt-trip email.

I spent many years flying to the other side of the country or driving 12 hours to see my parents (depending on where they lived) for many holidays because I felt guilty. Sometimes I wanted to see them, but the visits never stayed pleasant for very long. Yet because I felt duty-bound to go home for every holiday, I continued to do it into my early 30s, when I realized I would rather go see friends or even stay home alone then go see them!

It's never enough. You could go home in September and they'd be mad at you for not coming home again in October. Since it seems there is no special or drastic event happening (a wedding, or somebody truly dying), this is all about them trying to exert control over you. You've done a great job resisting that and I applaud you for it!

[rise_up]

Thank you all for your validation and support. I ended up waiting a few hours and then wrote a very short email back re-iterating my boundaries and not engaging in the guilt trip. I once again mentioned that the travel dates are not realistic, my work is my responsibility and is important and I even provided alternatives that would be realistic.

I ended the e-mail with something to the effect of: I am available on Skype every saturday morning to chat and catch up. I hope that next week we communicate without interruptions and raised voices, otherwise I will be signing off.

The e-mail I got back was everything I expected, unfortunately.

My brother said that he, too, is very busy with work but that family takes precedence.

I got told that communicating with family is not like some work meeting that needs to be scheduled rigidly.

They invalidated most of what i said and they hate my boundaries... . and I am not surprised at all.

GeekyGirl- there is no big family event happening in September. Only that my mother is putting together an event for the non-profit that she leads. I do speaking engagements now and then on leadership and she invited me to speak at this event (she did not even consult me on if the september date would work with my schedule... . figures). I very much do want to attend the event because I enjoy speaking... . but if larger things, like my actual income-generating job, take precedence and it is difficult logistically, there is not much I can do.

I hear you that my brother is incredibly enmeshed. THere seem to be layers of boundaries that need to be laid out at this point.

[Clearmind]

Very well done Rise! Commendable.

I am available on Skype every saturday morning to chat and catch up. I hope that next week we communicate without interruptions and raised voices, otherwise I will be signing off.

Awesome boundary and good to provide it up front.

Brother is deep in his FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and he wants you as an ally with the family.

[Bella Storm]

Hi Rise_up.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back. You did the right thing and your boundaries are good ones that need to be respected.    Oh the family dynamics of growing up with a BPD mom!

Family is important, but you have to take care of yourself first. It sounds like the event would be good, but not at the expense of your paying job, and not at the expense of your sanity. You get to decide how your time is spent and if your brother and parents don't like it, that is their problem.

Lots of hugs to you. 

~ Bella Storm