Well I know myself pretty well and like you perfidy I had one relationship after another. My reasons were I had small children and I did want to be alone... as I grew older my needs changed and this last relationship was definitely different than the rest. He reeled me in with guilt
![Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)](https://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/Smileys/default/bpdfamil-07.png)
right off the bat... telling me he felt insignificant, thus playing on my heart strings... I'm here don't feel insignificant .
Now, I'm in a whole new time of my life... grown kids, great career, doing pretty good so the neediness in me is less and the self realization heightened... a relationship bounce is no longer a need nor a want. I don't think I'm healthy enough to truly contribute to a loving relationship, so it would be unfair to him. I would be like scrutinizing his every word, every move... are you BPD? That sounded like BPD to me
![Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)](https://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/Smileys/default/bpdfamil-07.png)
... I'm outta here! Poor guy wouldn't even stand a chance.
However... I do believe I am still looking for validation, thus on these sights and reading anything I can download to my IPad. I think I am trying to still convince myself that somehow everything that went down was due to an illness... his MS, his personality disorder, his past... not by choices he made or myself... I still am protecting the abuser by trying to excuse his actions and behavior. Hope that made sense.