I can't handle it, so much pain

[cska]

We first feel bad for them, want to be the ones that are different, to rescue them... .

I tried to save her, I tried to play god, and I ended up in hell, trying to crawl my way out. "Saving her" made me feel strong, validated, like I was finally doing something good, but it a sick twist of fate I ended up on my knees, in pain.

They are not as innocent or powerless as to the things that have happened to them as we initially thought.

Yes, as a matter of fact when it comes to a break up, they are at an advantage because they can paint you black and move right along, while we are in a lot of pain. But of course down the line, we are  at an advantage because we have the ability to heal and form a healthy relationship, while they will be stuck in their whirlpool.

[Octoberfest]

We first feel bad for them, want to be the ones that are different, to rescue them... .

I tried to save her, I tried to play god, and I ended up in hell, trying to crawl my way out. "Saving her" made me feel strong, validated, like I was finally doing something good, but it a sick twist of fate I ended up on my knees, in pain.

Ah, now this is interesting... . I found that when I was looking at the reasons that I stayed, why I was there in the first place, etc. that this EXACT same thing came up... .

This is where, if you want to, you begin a journey of self discovery that only an experience like you have had can provide you the opportunity for.

I would dig deeper into the bolded part and find out where that word "finally" came from, and why you feel you have not been doing good in your life before this.

[winston72]

Then I checked her social networking profile, and she posted ":)ear ex, if you're watching, suck it."

CSKA... . the comments on the various posts are terrific.  I am blessed by them and learning so much myself.  I trust you feel loved and, perhaps most importantly, heard and understood.  

I copied your text above because my two cents to throw in here is as follows:  She has acted like a colossal jerk!  What an awful thing to write.  :)ude, forget the BPD stuff, this is not the type of behavior that merits someone who cares as much as you do.  She and her abusive boyfriend will make each other miserable.  Her behavior should be called out... . it is awful.  Feel free to be hurt and angry about it... .

[Learning_curve74]

cska, I hope you are feeling some relief from your pain. It is a blessing to have people here online that can truly empathize since we all have shared similar experiences and similar pain.

You ARE a good person who truly cared and loved your ex, otherwise you would not feel the pain you have been feeling. The other guy is NOT any better than you. Nobody is "good enough" to "save" your ex except for herself -- she has to make the choice for herself to change her own life for the better, nobody else can do that for her. Believe you me, I would give anything to heal my ex but it wasn't fair to her or to myself to believe that I could do any such a thing.  :'(

Just like only your ex can take charge of her own healing, now is the time for you to take charge of your own healing. Be sad, feel the pain, be strong enough to endure it enough to get through the day. Truly take it one day at a time. You may want to consider going back to 100% NC because of how vulnerable you are at this moment in time. Be kind to yourself and avoid pouring salt in your own wounds by breaking NC or checking on her. Isn't NOW the time to be "selfish" and help yourself instead of trying to be selfless and trying to help somebody else who you are powerless to help?

[Perfidy]

I just took a deep breath and sighed. It was relief. Reading these posts and the horrible pain we all go through. We are the lucky ones. We feel. We love. We hurt. We heal. My daughter pointed this out to me right after I had my ex dump it on me about her new guy. She is a well grounded well centered person. She said there was nothing wrong with me. She said there would be something wrong with me if I wasn't destroyed. It means I'm a good caring person.

[willtimeheal]

Cska

You are good enough.Don't think for a second that you are not. Get those thoughts out of your head. You are a kind person who gave his heart to someone who didn't know what to do with it. She was never treated with the respect and kindness you gave her. She didn't know what to do with it or how to handle it. And she didn't know how to return that love and kindness to you. It has nothing to do with you. Remember that. She is mentally unstable and ill. She doesn't know how to function in the world without the constant chaos and disarray. She needs the instability in her life to function. This has nothing to do with you. You are good enough!  She is sick and she just can't take a pill to get better. It will be a lifetime of chaos and dysfunction in order for her just to survive.

[Bananas]

cska, i just wanted to give you a virtual hug.   

and say that i have a lot of the same feelings you do.  i have been going back and forth quite a bit between depression and anger lately, all of which my T says is completely normal. 

and my ex is married now, just after a few months so you can bet i am having those "i was not good enough" feelings too.

BUT... . i am proof that you are good enough.  your posts on this board have helped me tremendously.  not everyone has the strength and courage to post here.  not everyone takes time to reply in an effort to help others.  you are one of the few! enough said! 

[cska]

Winston, learning_curve, perfidy, WillTimeHeal, Bananas, thank you for your support, I feel so blessed, you're all so kind!

CSKA... . the comments on the various posts are terrific.  I am blessed by them and learning so much myself.  I trust you feel loved and, perhaps most importantly, heard and understood. 

Absolutely, I'm so lucky to be a part of BPD Family. I think I would have lost my marbles without you guys.

cska, i just wanted to give you a virtual hug.   

and my ex is married now, just after a few months so you can bet i am having those "i was not good enough" feelings too.

BUT... . i am proof that you are good enough.  your posts on this board have helped me tremendously. 

Bananas, thank you soo much, you're so kind  And I'm also so sorry that you're going through this pain, I wouldn't want this pain to happen to anyone...

Dude, forget the BPD stuff, this is not the type of behavior that merits someone who cares as much as you do.

You know I've thought about that. BPD aside, a lot of the posts talk about how their exes behave in such sadistic ways. Is that all a part of BPD, or are these people also plain mean on top of their condition?

My ex knew I checked her twitter, and a lot of times she would tweet things specifically to hurt me (including now). She knows how to hit me where it hurts, and she used it. One time I asked her to make her twitter private b/c her tweets hurt me and I can't help looking at it. She told me that she wasn't going to do it because she can do whatever she wants to.

[cska]

Before today, I used to say that if I had to do things all over, I would have changed nothing because I've learned a lot from the experience. After the pain I've felt today, I think I wouldn't be so quick to say that anymore.

But one thing I don't regret is becoming a part of BPD Family. I've met so many caring, king people here, I'm forever thankful 

[Octoberfest]

On the note of twitter... .

You cannot be upset or hold against your BPDex her being unwilling to make her twitter private.  It is on YOU to refrain from looking.  I think it is kind of like learning not to touch a hot stove; you will keep doing it until you are sure, without a doubt, that it is going to hurt every single time.

[cska]

I know, I know, me asking her to make it private was quite a long time ago. After that, I was so diligent about not checking it, but last night I slipped. And one you slip, its harder to regain balance.

The hot stove analogy certainty applies to social media, but I think its also appropriate for the entire relationship. She caused me a lot of pain and suffering, every time; and every time I kept coming back to  it.

[Octoberfest]

I know, I know, me asking her to make it private was quite a long time ago. After that, I was so diligent about not checking it, but last night I slipped. And one you slip, its harder to regain balance.

The hot stove analogy certainty applies to social media, but I think its also appropriate for the entire relationship. She caused me a lot of pain and suffering, every time; and every time I kept coming back to  it.

You are not the only one my friend.  Sometimes it feels like I was sleepwalking through life during the time I was with her.

[Perfidy]

Yes, this is the answer for me. BPD family. I was the most worthless piece of suicidal crap and had already set a date and picked a method. I was ready to end my suffering by ending my life. I had made plans for distributing my wealth and possessions. Not going to happen now. I am in such a better place just knowing that I am not alone and understanding about what I have lived through. For EVERYONE who is suffering. You are not alone! We know how to love! There is NOTHING wrong with us!

[cska]

Yes, this is the answer for me. BPD family. I was the most worthless piece of suicidal crap and had already set a date and picked a method. I was ready to end my suffering by ending my life. I had made plans for distributing my wealth and possessions. Not going to happen now. I am in such a better place just knowing that I am not alone and understanding about what I have lived through. For EVERYONE who is suffering. You are not alone! We know how to love! There is NOTHING wrong with us!

Perfidy, thank you for sharing! This is really inspiring! I'm so sorry you've gone through so much. And I just want to say, I'm so glad you're with us!

[Perfidy]

It still SUCKS I still HURT but I am getting better. I still cry. I have more hope now.

[Jonie]

I have to go to the office, so just a short word: the key to understanding things with a BPD-person, is so see that a lot of their behaviour is irrational.

I'll get back in the evening. Hope you have a good day!

[Perfidy]

I love music. I know how to compose. Anybody want to write a song with me? I'll start it. PAINT ME BLACK = A minor/G

A=440 4/4 time just to make it easy.

[Surnia]

cska

a big big   also from my side!

I hope you can find some good sleep - and we are here for you.

[peas]

It just got to the point one night where I couldn't deal with his verbal abuse and I left.  Leaving was a deal breaker.  He had told me that many times.  But I felt like he very ambivalent about the relationship in the weeks leading up to it.  So I keep asking myself why?  What changed?  Why was he feeling ambivalent about me?

Emelie, that's what happened to me. My last moment with my uBPDbf was him spewing blame and verbal abuse at me and I left his house after having heard enough -- he had been piling it on for weeks. I spent the night at a friend's house. Total dealbreaker. He threw out my things the next day, said for me to pick them up and to never contact him again.  

Like your expwBPD, mine became ambivalent about our r/s in the weeks before the final breakup. I became invisible to him. I could see it in his eyes, his body language, his priorities. My theory on this is he was just tired of maintaining a facade. During our r/s I challenged him on a lot of levels and I triggered all kinds of anxiety in him that I had to manage all the time. I think he was worn out from keeping up appearances and it took a lot of effort for him to be good. Sidenote: he is also an alcoholic, so there's that whole personality dysfunction. I got the feeling he thought his good was not good enough. He was worn down from always being anxious about me. As cocky and macho as he is, he is fundamentally insecure, unambitious, addicted, jealous, and scared.

I also had to compete with a lot of baggage he brought to the r/s from his failed marriage where his wife was the one to leave. I brought up all kinds of horrendous memories from that.  

Toward the end he began provoking me more. Our arguments usually ended with him telling me that if I didn't like it, leave. He just kept telling me to leave whenever he would blow up. In our fights in the early days, when he was allegedly in love with me and wanting to marry me, he would never use the "leave" card. But when he decided he didn't want me anymore, "leave" became his go-to response. Or he would leave for hours. He just stopped communicating and stopped wanting to be around me.

Interesting that his last words to me were "you left. you took your ___. we're over." He had been practically begging me to "leave" for weeks, yet we're done because I acted on it?

He never made sense.  

[Trick1004]

Cska,

Hang in there. I don't have a whole lot to add but just know we all the feel the pain. The past week for me has been horrible, I thought I was doing well but these feelings can just come flooding back. I spent the weekend hanging out with some very close old friends of mine and it helped a lot.

Everyday it helps me to remind myself that at this point it is a battle I am fighting with myself, it really has nothing to do with my ex anymore. I know she isn't good for me and I want nothing to do with her in the future. I know it takes time but the only thing keeping me from moving on is myself and everyday it does get easier especially if you are able to fight through the inevitable moments when the emotions come flooding in.

Trick

[cska]

Surnia, Jonie, Trick, thank you so much for your kind words, it means the world to me!

Perfidy, I love music, but I can't compose for the life of me, sorry 

Interesting that his last words to me were "you left. you took your ___. we're over." He had been practically begging me to "leave" for weeks, yet we're done because I acted on it?

He never made sense. 

Peas, I had sort of a similar experience. My ex would tell me "If you don't like it, leave, I want someone who will be there for me no matter what." And then when I left because I couldn't deal with the constant suicide threats, she e-mailed me blaming me for not leaving earlier, and misleading her.  Go figure, its like all of the times when I would spend hours trying to comfort her mean nothing... In her eyes, SHE is the victim, and I am the bad guy for misleading her... yeesh...

Everyday it helps me to remind myself that at this point it is a battle I am fighting with myself, it really has nothing to do with my ex anymore.

Trick, you're right. Now, I'm sort of like my own enemy. This emotional prison that I'm in is self imposed for the most part, and I have to break out of it by changing my way of thinking.

[Reg]

cska,

Just been reading a bit here, and BTW if you love music, you should listen to some good stuff, nothing melancholic, something that is uplifting and what you like.  Put it loud !

We have all been deep, and you have been a very understanding and caring person for each and everyone of us here.  Let us say first of all thank you for that !

Next to that, we are all people who are here for one another, and we really care about eachother, and let's be honest and face it, something our ex borderlines never did.  I prefer the company of this lot    instead of what we all had, it was not real.

I had done already much of my own struggle on the matter, when I arrived here, and this site has helped me to take big steps, one at the time.  Am I completely healed ? No I have to make steps for myself, understanding my own past a lot better now.  So each and everyone of us will get there !  I'm convinced of that, and so will you !

And although we all care for eachother here, the first person we have to care about after all what happened, is ourselves !

Put that chin up mate, you are a way better person and you know that you deserve a better person !  Don't go for anything less in life 

Reg

[cska]

Reg, thank you so much for your kind word, it means so much to me!

Next to that, we are all people who are here for one another, and we really care about each other, and let's be honest and face it, something our ex borderlines never did.  I prefer the company of this lot    instead of what we all had, it was not real.

Amen. I feel the same way, 100%. BPD Family is a blessing, I would have lost it without the support and information that I get here.

[Reg]

No need to thank me, we all are here for the same reason. 

BPD family is a blessing indeed, I discovered it a bit late, but still, it is amazing to see how many people found their way to this great site.

I hope there will be a site one day in my own language, as I discover how many people have the same problem over here in my country and think they were alone in this kind of situation.

[delusionalxox]

cska hope you're ok today. I'm worried that I'm falling back into the dark place of rejection and pain myself today after 3 months... . I feel bitter, resentful, stupid... . this place is the only place of understanding, everyone in RL just expects to me over it cos I am clearly better off without a wanker leeching off me and making me feel like cr*p 

Sending you a big virtual hug today

xx

[cska]

Delusional, thank you for your kind words   And I'm so sorry that you're in a dark place too. Its so painful, I know. We're here for you, were all family here 

I've just posted a reply on your thread.

[push pull]

I was on the verge of breaking NC a month after the split, until (and luckily for me) I saw her facebook page and discovered that she was in a rebound r/s with plenty of pics of them both together on a night out. Yes, no doubt she was hoping to hurt me (and it did), but at the same time it was a blessing in disguise that she rebounded, otherwise I might have been sucked back into the world of crazy again.

The first four months were the toughest for me, but beyond that point I slowly started to heal, and this was only achieved thanks to maintaining NC.

[cska]

Push pull, I know what you mean. When I saw my ex's cruel post, it reminded me of why I left. But that's a problem. Why do I have to have reminders of why I left? I knew I had to leave, I had no choice, why do I need to be reminded of that?

In my case, and in yours, seeing facebook kept us in NC mode. But I desperately wish that that determination would come from inside of me, not by looking at any social profiles.

[GreenMango]

":)ear ex, if you're watching, suck it."

Nothing quite like vindictiveness in digital media to make us miss a person.

Well she has a nasty little mean streak doesn't she?  And childish too.  You picked a winner Cska - I picked one too  .

Hang in there Cska.  There will come a time when you'll see these ridiculous, self indulgent things for what they are ... . So pointless.

It's like gum on your shoe my friend.  it'll shake loose eventually.

Ps social media needs to come with a warning.

[ucmeicu2]

  I got so agonizingly depressed that I saw no relief and was at the limit. I was planning suicide. Was going to hang myself. I'm better now. Over that. Gives me the creeps now when someone says "hang in there" ... . Lol. Laughing now. Feels way better than crying.

oh my goodness i have so been there and thought about that.  well i am very glad that you got over it ~ that ALL of us have not done that ~ and are still here to tell about it. 

but this makes me wonder about something:  stats say that approx 1 in 10 BPD's are successful at attempting suicide (it is tempting at this point in the sentence to referencing a possible wish that the number was a bit higher, but i won't!).  anyways, now i wonder, what the stats might look like for the ex's of the BPD's?  it almost wouldn't surprise me if the number is even higher.  such is the wake of devastation, depression and destruction they leave in our lives.

icu2